X. Calluses

(the pain in his voice whenever he spoke)

Shino was gathering different toxin samples from his new colony when Hinata arrives. He doesn't hear her, but knows immediately the minute she's near. He turns to her, setting down a basket of vials at his feet. Notices the mask she holds with her left hand, the black uniform that the ANBU wear underneath the metal guards.

"Congratulations," he says to her, whispers her name, "Hinata."

"Mmm," she hums in return, crouching down before outwardly inspecting the different substances he had previously collected. "… thank you, Shino-kun – I just got back."

She probably just did, Shino thinks, observing the thin cut right above her left eye. Her uniform is torn on one side, leaving a portion of her torso exposed; and there are cakes of mud and dried blood plastered all over her skin. Oddly enough – it suits her.

She returns the glass vials to the case. Turns to him. Says, "You… aren't ANBU anymore," then lowers her eyes.

Shino adjusts the black glasses perched on his face, moves to the porch to sit, knowing she would follow. He knew this would come, had known it for a while – but still it feels as if a delicate and unassuming edge had marked him with thin papercuts in a jagged curve down his spine.

"You're upset," he observes, placing his lone hand in his pocket after putting the basket of vials down on a table. The porch is wide and enclosed by a latticework of timber wood fencing the area in; the windows are broad and screened, a passageway made specifically for their insects. They sit themselves by the stairs off to the side.

"Perhaps…" she whispers next to him. "I always… worry. I never know if you're okay."

Her voice is as steady as the trajectory of a kunai when it's thrown; and Shino thinks something inside of him hurts at the ache that mminutely spills from it. Hinata always speaks with the hesitance of voicing out her opinion, but with the surety of the meaning behind them. He has seldom seen her for the past months and they have barely talked. Shino wonders absently, as he observes the way her eyes take in the afternoon sun, if Hinata knows the depth at which she has sprung back from, if she knows that the resolve she has forced herself to have after the sealing is slowly manifesting into something more.

Hinata didn't change drastically during the year she can't remember – the person she was during that year is the same person she recalls herself to be – and the person she is, right now. Though the past year had inevitably brought about changes, the changes that did occur weren't so much subtle as they were evident. Hinata's growth didn't involve different perceptions regarding life or a sudden boost in strength; it ran more along the thin lines of confidence, self-worth, and the hungry drive to protect, instead.

"Would you like to know why I quit ANBU?" He asks after a minute, facing the sky. "Because as I am now, I am nothing but a burden."

Hinata's eyebrows scrunch up. The expression doesn't suit her.

"Had I continued to be ANBU, I would have put my team into unnecessary risks; I would not function as I should," he tells her, expression so detached it almost bleeds, "A high percentage of my kikai are stored in my arms alone, and the chakra signals I send are primarily done through my hands. The probability of failure would exponentially increase, and my plans don't include myself as being a luggage to carry around."

Hinata doesn't reply, and Shino knows that it is because a part of her agrees and would have done the same thing, even though she doesn't want to.

"But I refuse to believe that my worth can be reduced to a single limb."

At his statement, she raises her head and stares at him, surprised and curious, perhaps, at the quiet tone of anger and… something else in his voice.

"I will never be Naruto – nor do I wish to be – but I plan to return, no matter how long it takes."

"Okay,"Hinata whispers, then bites her lip, says another hushed down "Okay" and her voice quivers at the end, and her eyes turn suspiciously glassy and Shino understands, but pretends he doesn't notice.

Stays quiet.

It seemed only yesterday when he had felt something along the same lines, with his own kunai held by his captain, blade poised at something more than just his throat.

When things have settled down and the sun is nearing the horizon, Shino asks, "How was the mission?"

"A success," Hinata reaches for a vial, runs her index finger along the glass, "Exhilirating and… almost familiar."

Her grip on the vial tightens for a second, then loosens up. Exchanges the vial in her hand for another one.

"Like… water," she expounds, voice soft but steady, "Gradual dissolution, and what remains is swept up by the tide."

Hinata pauses and doesn't say anything for a long time. Shino doesn't speak; waits for her to continue.

"Kiba-kun told me that I had moved up the ranks from being a reserve soldier." She turns her head to him and smiles. Turns away, gaze focusing solely on the liquid green extract. "It has almost been a year since then. And I thought to myself – if a year is all it really takes."

"All it takes for what?"

"For something to be ingrained deep under your skin."

Shino watches how her gaze shifts from the vial to her arm. Wonders if she imagines if there are things behind it that are not of the color red; wonders the same thing.

"The month of my sealing remains to be a haze, and for the longest time I only felt… lost." Hinata looks at him from the corner of her eye. "But Chichi-ue informed me the things I took part in during the time I can't remember. The things he said were the same as what you and Kiba-kun told me – that I was active in ANBU and that… I was training to become an heir."

Shino knows this, even remembers the day they informed her of what they could. Some things, after all, could not come from them. "You were always quite tired, back then."

The corner of her mouth lifts up. "… I asked if that was all that happened, if that was, somehow, everything."

Shino had been observing the way she was handling the vial, and at her statement he forces himself not to look at the expression on her face. Perhaps because it might be too heavy to see. Perhaps because he might give in.

He imagines, for a second, what Hinata had felt at that moment – what it was that made her question if that was all there was to it. If some part of her knew that nothing could ever prepare her for this, that no matter what her father said, it would still be a deep dive into pressurized water, cold and blue and frighteningly vast.

So instead, he asks "And what of his response?"

Hinata exhales out a laugh, the sound conveying a kind of familiarity between them. "Chichi-ue said two things. One, that there are… questions that people cannot answer. And two - "

Her eyes lock with his, and Shino is surprised at the expression he sees on her face; something gentle, something painfully accepting.

"Some things can never be conveyed through words."

Hinata leaves just after the sun has set, needing to submit her report, and in her absence Shino feels his tongue grow heavy with all the words unsaid.

They had tried. The days he and Kiba have spent with her ever since she got sealed were filled with words; trying to compress all the days in a year into hours, trying to suffuse her feelings of being lost until they disintegrate into the air. And with Hinata's resolve only growing stronger by the day, her reintegration into the current society continues to proceed as smoothly as possible, but this had never been the problem.

It's the way Hinata's eyes had stared off into the distance at some point during their conversation. And Shino, for all his pragmatism and natural inclination to move through logic, understood what it meant –

She is longing for something she can not name.

And for all the words that they could speak, Sasuke and Hinata's relationship was something both of them felt they were not in the position to tell, especially with Sasuke's apparent decision to act as if it had not transpired. And if not for their knowledge, it would be as if it never truly did; few people knew of the matter (he thinks not even all of the rookie nine know),and those who did could barely claim to understand all of it.

However, even ignoring this, they still could not tell her.

She made them promise not to.

Hinata doesn't fully comprehend it, but she's starting to become aware.

She knocks twice before Sasuke's voice calls her in. The doorway opens with barely a sound, and when she closes it behind her, only the soft scratching noise of pen on paper could be heard.

Sasuke is writing, back straight against his chair. The room is dim, with the study lamp on his desk providing the only source of electronic light. The curtains are drawn away from the large window behind him, the sky behind it almost giving way to night.

Hinata doesn't move to switch on the ceiling lights, just proceeds further into the room. She doesn't know if there is a reason to it, but her captain prefers to keep the overhead lights in his room off, even during the dark.

This close to him, with only a few steps forward and a desk separating them, Hinata could see the veins protruding from his hand as he writes. His nails are neatly trimmed, his fingers feminine; wrist almost as white as her own. She lowers her eyes to her feet.

Sasuke pauses in his writing. Reaches out his hand. "Your report."

Hinata turns it over. Carefully avoids brushing her hand against his.

She is the last of her squad to send in her report; the others having done so before her. The official records of missions needed only the formal report written by the captain, but it was a long established practice that the other members submit their observations too, either for comparison or clarification on details their captain might have missed.

Sasuke skims through her report and she bites her lip, conscious of her writing. His shoulders are tense as usual, and she is sure that like all the other days, he has barely left his desk to rest.

"Shiraishi surrendered?" He asks, coming across a particular paragraph she had debated on including.

"In a way," she replies quietly. "His posture changed, and I could be wrong but..."

Sasuke lifts his eyes to hers.

"... He smiled."

"Right before Lizard dealt the blow?"

"Mmm. His movements became more... lax," Her eyes lower of their own accord, "As if he was just going through the motions... and everything became... easier."

"I see."

"The mission would have still been a success, Taichou," She amends, "But if he really did change his mind halfway, the outcome could've been more... severe."

Sasuke makes a soft noise of assent, resting his elbow on the desk, palm cradling his cheek. He's still looking at her, eyes only made darker by the hint of moonlight against his back. The dark blue turtleneck he was wearing seems a bit loose around the shoulders, and Hinata belatedly realizes he has lost a bit of weight. Not much though, not enough to make a big difference. She looks away, bites the inside of her lip, lets Sasuke mull through his thoughts quietly. Whenever he was internally debating on something, his eyelids would flutter open and close slowly, almost as if he was falling asleep.

Sasuke picks up the pen again before he decides to speak.

"Shiraishi had a daughter who died just a few years back," he tells her, pen carefully turning in circles around his fingers. "It wasn't included in the debriefing, but the small organization he built was supposedly for the real purpose of finding her, although this wasn't known to most of the members. He thought if she caught wind of it, she would return."

Hinata turns to him again, knowing where this was heading.

"But she could never have done so, she was already dead; he saw it happening with his own eyes." Sasuke stretches out his neck, turns it sideways to get rid of the cramps, the angle of his jaw sharp as it turns. He closes his eyes for a moment,and she faintly take notes of the way his lashes form shadows on his cheeks. "For the longest time he refused to acknowledge it. But perhaps, subconsciously, he knew it all along."

Hinata shakes her head once, says, "Then his death – " and cuts herself off.

"... is perhaps the better alternative," Sasuke continues for her. Something in his voice gives her pause, and Hinata watches as he reads through her report again, the contrast in the colors of his features making her throat feel strangely dry.

In the quiet of the room, the sound of their breathing seems almost harsh. The moon outside the window already rests high in the sky, its reflected glow filtering through and making everything vivid in a way that aches. The room always seems a bit smaller, the mahogany desk a bit darker, and Sasuke's pale skin whiter than it really is, almost translucent. Under the light of the moon, with just the two of them, he looks worlds away from the man his reputation makes him to be. Ruthless. Untouchable.

Ruthless wouldn't be a word I'd use to describe him.

Sasuke exhales out, and Hinata remembers the way his voice almost got caught in his throat when he'd asked her to use his given name. The way his eyes had looked into hers immediately after, the slight tensing in his muscles, the way he seemed to want something that was never quite there.

He always looks... tired.

She remembers how the calluses on his fingertips had felt when they brushed against the skin of her shoulder, how warm his breath had been whenever he exhaled. She couldn't remember ever being in that kind of close proximity with a man other than her relatives and teammates.

It felt odd. It unsettled her.

"Is this everything?" Sasuke asks after a minute.

"Yes, Taichou."

"You're dismissed, then."

Hinata nods, heads for the door, then hesitates. Breathing in, she turns to face him again, forcing herself not to look away from his curious gaze.

"S-Sasuke-san. Would you like some tea?" she asks, biting her lip. "You look tired. I could... I could make you some."

Sasuke's eyebrows furrow, and he blinks slowly – once, twice, then mutters out a "... thank you." He's staring at her again, and she glances away, moving to retrieve the stash of teabags he keeps in a small cupboard by the wall.

Hinata doesn't fully comprehend it, but everytime his eyes meet hers and she looks away, she finds herself wanting to look back.

.

.

.

TBC

AN: My deepest gratitude to everyone who left a review. I read them all and appreciate them and I take not of everything you guys say, the constructive things you tell me and the things you liked about this and EVERYTHING. I'm hoping to reply to all of them but everything has just been so hectic for me and I'M SO SORRY FOR THE SUPER LATE UPDATE. My laptop basically crashed and I couldn't access the update I had prepared for weeks!

Anyway, HAPPY CHRISTMAS EVERYONE. ENJOY YOUR HOLIDAYS! Please don't forget to leave a review again!

THINGS ARE GOING TO GET ... IDK BUT WE'RE FINALLY MOVNG

EDIT: nidayn pointed out a really huge mistake and now it's edited!