Title: Preconceptions Torn Apart
Author: Marian of the Faeries
Author e-mail: [email protected]
Author homepage: http://fly.to/marianfaerie
Rating: R
Categories: Romance, Angst.
Pairing: Remus Lupin/Severus Snape
Disclaimer: J.K. Rowlings created and owns all characters and their surroundings.
Warnings: Slash.
Summary: The love of a werewolf is a rare gift, but will Snape appreciate it? Snape/Lupin *slash*.
~~ Prologue: Dies Irae, Dies Illa ~~
(Day of Wrath, Day of Anger*)
Remus Lupin quickly dodged another curse and winced as his leg almost gave way under him. He wasn't certain if the wound was serious or not; either way, he intended to carry on as long as possible. His golden eyes quickly scanned the chaos around him for a target, but thick smoke, bright flashes from different curses and shadowy figures were limiting his view. Suddenly a masked Death Eater apparated in front of him. The man had not seen him yet, he had his back turned, and Remus quickly stunned him. It was impossible to have any pretence of morals in this battle; the wound on his leg was a reminder of that. Something burst into flames a couple of feet to his left, and he tried to move out of the way, nearly stumbling on a young witch who lay motionless on the ground, stunned — or worse. His eyes were stinging from the smoke, and the smell of burning flesh and other unmentionable things made his stomach want to turn inside out. This is not a time to be squeamish, he reminded himself. This was the biggest Death Eater attack so far, and with a bit of luck they could defeat the followers of the Dark Lord and end the war. Dumbledore had the numbers on his side, but The Dark Lord's weapons were so much more terrible than anything they could muster. He heard a hoarse, drawn-out scream somewhere in front of him, and a man ran past him, still screaming at the top of his lungs, his body on fire. It was too late to save him, Remus knew. Voldemort's supporters seemed to take pleasure in the multitude of painful ways they could kill people.
Ahead of him he saw a group of Death Eaters trying to surround a young boy, and ignoring the pain in his leg, Remus carefully approached them. The boy was trying to fight the Death Eaters off, but Remus knew that he couldn't offer resistance against four grown men for very long. One of the men collapsed, and Remus winced. That was a nasty curse, wonder where in the world the boy learnt that. He was close enough to see the boy's face now, and discovered who it was: Draco Malfoy. That explains where he learnt that curse. Remus stunned two of the Death Eaters and Malfoy quickly disposed of the last one.
"Thanks," said Draco.
"You're welcome," said Remus.
The pale boy walked up to one of the Death Eaters, whose mask was different than the others'. It was golden instead of silver and it looked more ornate. Draco levitated the mask off the man's face and regarded him.
"Avery," he said emotionlessly. "I used to play at his house when I was little."
Remus looked sharply at the boy. He had been a great asset in this war, with his knowledge of Dark Arts and the weapons of the Dark Lord. He had willingly given them this, at the same time betraying all that he was raised to be, losing all that he had. They had used him, but at what cost? How much harm had they inflicted on the boy, and would he ever heal from the wounds? Only time could answer those questions.
Suddenly, Remus realised that he had lost the boy somewhere in all the commotion. He looked around quickly, but he was gone. Then Remus spotted Harry and drew in a sharp breath. He had fallen to his knees in the mud, wand slipping from his fingers, and he stared unseeing at the scene before him. Harry had been so strong, and he had been so much braver than they ever could have expected of him, but nothing could have prepared him for this. A full-scaled battle, with all the death, pain, violence, and yes, carnage. It was easy to forget that he was still so young, hero or not.
Remus tried to run in his direction, but his injured leg failed him, and he collapsed on the ground, almost passing out from the pain. He believed then that his last moment had come. Surely a Death Eater wouldn't spare a defenceless man on the battlefield.
His field of vision was suddenly filled with a pair of black boots and the muddy hem of a black robe.
"Lupin," a familiar, deep voice said. "Can you stand?"
"I don't know," Remus answered, at the same time as he was hauled to his feet and stood face to face with Severus Snape. He swayed, and Severus steadied him with an arm around his waist.
"Let's get you out of harm's way," Severus ordered.
"But Harry" Remus protested weakly.
"Don't be ridiculous, Lupin," said Severus sternly, "You are injured, and in no fit condition for a battle, and the boy is quite capable of taking care of himself."
Remus looked in Harry's direction, and indeed, the boy was standing again with a grim and determined look on his face. He sighed and nodded at Severus.
"Here, this way," the other man commanded, half leading, half carrying Remus towards the walls of the castle. Remus wondered where on earth he thought he was going, the gates had been barred to keep the Death Eaters out and no one could get in. It turned out that Severus led him to a sheltered alcove where several others also were hiding.
Remus could discern several familiar faces, the Weasley twins, among others. One of them, which one he couldn't tell, was unconscious and had several nasty-looking wounds and burns visible beneath the torn robes. The other twin supported his brother's head in his lap, keeping his eyes intently on his him as if expecting him to rise again with the usual mischief twinkling in his eyes, and say "I'm not hurt, I was only joking!" Remus couldn't bear to watch them any longer. He sank to the ground, relieving the pressure on his wounded leg.
Suddenly, he heard a muffled gasp, and turned around to see Severus on his knees, his face contorted in pain, clutching his left wrist.
"Severus! What's the matter?"
Severus choked a couple of times, and finally managed to grind out:
"The Dark Lord."
Remus squinted at the battlefield and finally spotted Voldemort, surrounded by a circle of wizards and witches. He could see Dumbledore, Harry and a flash of bright red Weasley hair; which one he couldn't tell from this distance. Suddenly, he saw a blinding flash of green light, and rubbed his eyes to get rid of the spots dancing before them. When Remus looked up again he saw Voldemort lying dead on the ground, and next to Remus, Severus lay unconscious. On a survey of the battlefield, all the Death Eaters had fallen unconscious, and were easy to capture.
All around him, people erupted in cheers and laughter, rejoicing in the fact that Voldemort finally was dead, but Remus didn't join in. He had seen too much death and suffering that day to be able to laugh for a long time. He stared up at the clouded sky, and waited for rain to fall.
And on the abandoned battlefield, filled by the bodies of the fallen soldiers of a pointless war, stood an old man; he seemed to be at least a hundred years old. His white hair reached down to his waist, as did his beard. His pointed hat was askew, and he wore a sorrowful expression on his ancient face. As he watched this place of sacrifice above his half-moon spectacles, he silently mourned those who lost their lives to save those of others. Still silent, he turned around, bent as if he carried a heavy burden, and walked towards the castle.
*) "Dies irae, dies illa" could also possibly mean "Day of Wrath, this day". I've found different translations. I like "Day of Wrath, Day of Anger" much better, so I used that one, but if someone proves me wrong I'll change it.
Severus Snape was a man that never had been particularly fond of aesthetics. Recently, though, he found his chilly, austere quarters and barren office strangely discomforting. He had always hid in the damp darkness of the dungeons, unwilling to face the rest of the world more often than necessary. It was one thing to know that one was disliked, and another entirely to experience it. To his own great surprise he had given in to an urge to venture outside in the sun, this evening in July.
Once seated here, at the top of the hill, he found the view breathtaking. Beneath him he could see the lake reflecting the pale blue colour of the sky, the giant squid moving lazily somewhere in it's depths, occasionally causing the surface to ripple with a playful movement of a tentacle. The Hogwarts castle lay on its hill, standing erect and proud even after all these trials; the marks of fire and destruction weren't visible from this angle. On the opposite side of the lake, the tiled roofs of the village of Hogsmeade were just visible behind the lush crowns of the trees. The setting sun bathed the scenery in a warm, friendly light. Severus absently picked one of the tiny, blue flowers that grew on the ground where he had spread his cloak. One would think, he mused, that such a small flower would have more flaws than a similar, but bigger, flower, simply because of it's diminutive size; but it was perfection, down to every miniature detail. He toyed with the little blossom, lost in thoughts.
The serenity of the evening gave him room to breathe, a welcome rest after the stress of the last months. His role as a spy in the war against Voldemort had been highly dangerous, and it had taken its toll out of him, living constantly on edge. But even after the final battle, which he miraculously managed to survive, his task wasn't over. As Hogwarts' resident Potions Master, he was the one who had to brew different Healing Potions for all the wounded wizards and witches who were given a place to recover at the school. Some had been hit by really nasty curses, and were still being treated, but most had been healed by now, and Severus' workload was slowly diminishing.
The world looked new and fresh tonight, as if the war had never happened, as if all the pain and suffering had been washed away by time, like footprints in the sand, and by the knowledge that Voldemort could never, ever come back.
Voldemort.
The Dark Lord had been like a shadow looming over Severus for as long as he could remember. In his own golden schooldays, the older Slytherins, Lucius Malfoy among others, had put pressure on the younger to join the Dark Lord. It took enormous strength of character to resist those days, if you were sorted into Slytherin. Even after Severus joined Dumbledore he lived in fear of discovery, and the Dark Mark had blemished his pale skin since those reckless days of his youth. Severus realised that since Voldemort had influenced, yes, even dictated so many of his decisions in life, there was almost nothing left now that he was gone. He was finally free. Just look at him now. Sitting outside on a summer evening with the sun warming the dark fabric of his robes, enjoying the view and pondering his choices in life and his new freedom. Severus Snape, you silly old fool, he told himself. Everything will be exactly the same. But he knew that it wasn't true. Winds of change were blowing, and he didn't like it. He didn't like it at all.
Remus pondered Severus' character. He was probably the most fascinating man he'd ever met. Where Remus was order he was chaos. This time he had totally surprised him.
He'd saved Remus life out there on the battlefield. They had agreed to put their differences aside, of course, on Dumbledore's request, but this was another thing entirely, and completely unexpected.
Something must have changed. Severus had always hated him intensely, or rather since their sixth year, which had caused him quite a lot of sorrow over the years. Remus had been attracted to him since their schooldays, and he was fairly sure it was returned, but there were too many barriers between them for it to develop into anything more. Their relationship over the years had undeniably been very passionate, though admittedly not very amicable.
Severus was a very sensual man. Remus supposed that few people noticed because they were too afraid of him. He had never been afraid of Severus. Not even when his life was in the hands of a Severus maddened with rage.
In Remus opinion, Severus took himself far too seriously. This made him an ideal object for mischief and that sometimes brought out the old Marauder in Remus. In fact, it had got him into trouble quite a few times, for example that episode with the boggart. Severus was fuming for months
The darkness inside Severus didn't frighten Remus. He was a creature of the dark himself, and was not unfamiliar with dark and forbidden magic. The fact that the rest of the world shunned Severus didn't affect Remus' view on him either. He knew what it was like to be shut out, despised and feared. What a thing to have in common. To them both, Hogwarts was a safe haven, a shelter from the condemnation of the world outside.
But still, Remus knew that he had it easier than Severus did in some ways. He, at least, had his friends who supported him. He did not want to remember all those years when James, and supposedly Peter, were dead and Sirius in Azkaban. His monthly transformations had been even more painful with the memories of their adventures and escapades, which were forever lost to him, not to mention their friendship. Today, everything looked brighter. Sirius would be freed soon, and until then Remus could visit him in London without risking either his or Sirius' lives.
Severus had no friends; he had no one to confide in. Remus knew that life had hurt him in many ways, and the wounds were still infected. He was still lashing out, to keep the world from hurting him first.
Remus thought that perhaps, yes just perhaps it was time for some healing.
When Remus made his way towards the dungeons he thought about what he was going to say. Severus was very unpredictable; there was no way of telling how he would act, so there was no idea to prepare a speech.
He knocked at the door to Severus' office, and when he got no answer he stepped inside. The room was empty, and in the darkness Remus could barely discern the shelves with jars filled with strange magical components. Well, Severus wasn't there; he must have retired to his rooms for the night. Remus walked up to the door at the other end of the office and knocked.
"Enter."
Remus opened the door and stepped into Severus Snape's private quarters. They were sparsely furnished, and Remus got a feeling that they lacked something, something vital. Suddenly it struck him. Severus had no personal belongings to make his rooms homelike, there were no paintings or tapestries on the walls, no pictures of his smiling and waving family on the mantelpiece, no souvenirs from holidays many years ago, no potted plants or embroidered cushions. Not that Remus had any embroidered cushions, but he thought that it should be difficult for a man to live in the same place for such a long time and never, ever make it into a home. Severus himself sat in a low armchair by the fireplace, reading. A fire was lit, and its light spilled over his face and the pages of the book in his lap.
Snape hadn't looked up when Remus entered, subtly hinting something similar to "you're not welcome, and surely not worthy of my attention".
"Good evening, Severus. I hope I am not disturbing you?"
Severus did look up then, and Remus thought that he saw a gleam of curiosity in his eyes.
"Lupin. What a pleasure. Come here for a little chat, have you?"
The man spoke in a mocking tone, but Remus sensed something behind his words that suggested that Severus didn't entirely object to his visit. He was in one of his better moods, then.
"Maybe, maybe not. May I sit down?" Remus asked, and indicated the chair opposite Severus.
The man gave him a look full of both surprise and suspicion. Reluctantly, as his curiosity took overhand, he said:
"Be my guest."
Remus nodded and sat down.
"I came to thank you," he said, and ignored Severus' incredulous snort, "but I also have a question."
"What is it?" Severus asked, though he looked like he neither wanted to know the question, nor answer it.
"Why? Why did you save me?"
Snape regarded him for a while with an unreadable look in his black eyes.
"I don't know," he said dryly. "Maybe not even I can stand to watch a man that's actually on my side die, when I could have prevented it."
Remus looked at him closely.
"Something has changed, hasn't it, Severus?"
His voice rang through the silence, but none of them was prepared to answer the question. They stared for a long time into the fire without talking, and without looking at each other. Finally, Remus stirred, and seemingly out of nowhere he said:
"I'm not Sirius, you know."
Snape still didn't answer, but he turned his gaze towards Remus with a look of surprise. Remus stood up from his chair.
"You saved me, Severus, and I owe my life to you."
Severus looked faintly amused.
"And how were you thinking of repaying me?"
"I don't know, but I'm open to suggestions," said Remus and winked. "Good evening."
Before Severus could react he had left and closed the door behind him.
Severus gazed at the closed door. Annoying git. Had Lupin been flirting with him? No, he must have imagined it. Remus had never had a high opinion of him, and to be honest an expression of gratitude was the last thing Severus had expected from the man.
Something has changed, hasn't it?
With those very words, mirroring Severus' own thoughts, Lupin had substantiated this thing that was happening, and thus proving himself right without any need for Severus to say anything. Yes, something had changed, but what, and what was really happening?
Why had he saved Lupin?
They were enemies, for Merlin's sake! Or were they? The hatred dated back to that incident in their sixth year, when Lupin and Black tried to kill him. It was painfully humiliating to be saved by James Potter, and for Sirius Black he held nothing else than a deep contempt and anger that never seemed to fade. But Remus For some reason it hurt, but Severus was not going to dig too deep into that. Remus had been right; he was not Black, and Severus was all too aware of that.
He must have imagined that Remus was flirting with him. Pity, though, he was a very attractive man. Those penetrating, golden eyes, his light brown hair with streaks of premature grey that always fell into his eyes, and the serenity and calm he radiated Be that as it may, Severus cherished no illusions about his own attractiveness, and so it was merely ridiculous, not to mention futile, to think of Lupin in that way.
Yes, they were supposed to be enemies, but Severus found it quite difficult to entertain the proper animosity when Lupin didn't return it. Maybe the werewolf wasn't responsible for that prank back then. Maybe it was time to forgive and forget? Severus sighed deeply. Maybe the bitterness and hostility weren't justified anymore?
There was a reason Severus had disapproved of Lupin's appointment as the Defence Against The Dark Arts teacher for the second time, even if Dumbledore had no choice but to appoint him since there weren't that many to choose from. Remus Lupin stirred too much inside him, too many questions, too many doubts, too many emotions that should remain buried, preferably as deep as possible.
Next chapter: Remus has a revelation and acts upon it.