Once upon a time, there was a cute little town called Peach Creek where there was a cute little neighborhood called the cul-de-sac where a cute boy named Double D lived. He was the absolute smartest guy on the block, and like, was totally adorable and perfect and awesome in every way, and most of the scams he used to partake in was mostly Ed's and Eddy's fault.

However, as time went on, he randomly began developing feelings for Kevin, a jock who was a total jerkface but something Double D found strangely arousing, especially the way he said 'dork' could make him stiffen up. Kevin wasn't as much a jerk as before, as he was more, you know, mature and stuff. Besides, he was sort of hawt, so it sort of excused his bad behaviour.

The thing was, wait for it, Kevin had feelings for Double D too, yay! There was just something attractive about his way of words, cute figure and sexy hat. Squee! But they both were shy on each front and didn't know how to tell each other how much they loved one another, because, shyness was the part of the story and it's soooo cuuuuutee! ~

Nazz knew about it and was so supportive of Kevin and Double D being together, because, you see, she wasn't a complete monster!

Speaking of which, Double D was right now laying in bed late at night, thinking about how much he wanted to be penetrated in the fundament by Kevin's electrifying rod or be covered all over his face by his juicy manmilk.

This was frustrating because his mom was an uncooperative bitch who told him not to touch himself since it left cum stains in the pipes of the shower (he cleaned everything else up though, he was a clean freak). She was totally out tune with his feelings that he wanted Kevin so bad and that was so horrible of her!

Double D didn't know what to do with himself. One part wanted to tell Kevin boldly and continue the confession with some hot action and the other was just stuttering and blushing. Of course, both parts were equally great and adorable so it was okay whichever he chose.

He heard the bell ring and he snapped up to get it. He hoped it was Kevin but probably it was just his homophobic friend Eddy who was a total bastard by the way he thought, cause, like, Ed said that being gay was totally not wrong because something so super sexy and sweet simply couldn't be wrong!

He opened the door, hoping hopelessly it was Kevin, but instead it was-

He didn't find out, the person knocked him out and it turned black.

Edd woke up tied up. He was confused at first but looked around and a blush darkened his face. His hands were tied up bondage style on a wooden bed! They were tied via bedsheets on the bed's headboard and this really made him blush because he was so timid and shy regarding anything sexual outside what was his own personal space, and something so kinky on top of that.

Worse, he was stripped down naked to his underwear, except for his hat. What kind of sick, stupid pervert that wasn't Kevin had done this to him?!

"Heeey, Double D!" ~ The boy felt like puking when he heard that, and panic surge through his fast-beating heart. To his horror, a turn-off feminine silhouette emitted from the shadows, and realized by default it was that stupid, horny bitch Marie! And of course, Edd was mad at this because he hated Marie's molestation through the years and the absolute disgusting implications of this situation. Though, needless to say, he wouldn't have minded if it had been Kevin who was preparing to make sweet, passionate love to him...

Marie was wearing a kinky leather suit, disgusting the captive further.

"Marie, you despicable streetwalker! Free me this instant!" Double D said angrily; he may be shy, but he wasn't showing mercy when it was needed! That's how perfect and amazing and breathtaking he was!

"No," she said in a slutty tone and shook her dumb head, "We are both old enough to have sex, and that means we will be deflowering each other tonight. Now, be my pet." She held a gag ball in her hand, and he got even angrier, wriggling in the bed.

"This is disrespectful to the property of my fragile, scrawny but petite body! I refuse to cope with your unwholesome desires!" He said passionately; if he hadn't been tied down, he would have stood proudly on the bed and shoved the whore away. But alas, he was too weak and the binds too strong, and it was so totally sad!

"No, you will cope and I will make you. I just hope you're big enough to handle me." She said in a seductive tone, but it just sounded stupid when she said it. Double D felt tears spring from his eyes, fearing what was to happen. "B-but you don't understand! I have saved my virgin tunnel to someone special, and that person is not you!" He exclaimed, slowly giving up resistance. No one was there to save him...

"I don't care! Tonight you WILL BE MINE!" She laughed evilly, sounding like one of those hyenas from Lion King, only more distorted, kind of the sound when a frog was croaking while smoking pot.

Suddenly, the door broke down, and they both stared at it with mixed emotions.

It was Kevin! Looking so manly and heroic where he stood, a sword in his hand and long flowing hair (ok I made that part up, but admit it would be so totally epic, right!) Double sighed dreamily and felt his fairly smaller zeppelin stiffen up down there. 'Oh my', he thought, shamefaced.

"Kevin, you came to save me!" Edd cried tears of joy in a girly voice.

"Of course, my love", Kevin said in a deep, masculine voice. He pointed his heroic finger to the selfish, demonic skank who now looked terrified and vulnerable and just plain defenceless against Kevin's powerful presence, that shone.

"And you!" He said threatingly, scaring Marie. "I wont let you have his cute little dork, it's for my eyes and touch only! Now, prepare yourself for a humiliating fall in the ashes, man-stealing hippie!" Now it just happened that Kevin was shirtless and his solid abs created a force field out of vacuum, as well as warmth equal to a million suns that was more powerful than anything else on this planet. Edd watched on in anticipation and he was soooo drooling over it, because, like, what was a boys love pairing without any lust, lol?

Marie's eyes began melting, and she began to scream. Kevin smirked and walked closer so he burned some of her flesh too.

"D-do not come any closer! Ahhh, the smexiness of his alfa-flinta like muscles is too much for me to handle! The Virginity Snatcher shall retreat, and come back to defeat thee, noble beast!" Marie chickened out like a yellow-belly as she jumped out the window and ran away for her life. What she didn't know was that she would never have the chance to have revenge, because, like, then Kevin would have already taken Edd's virginity and he would suddenly not mean much to Marie anymore. Air flew past his shoulder length hair (Kevin has this in this fanfic ok and if u don't like it then fuk off!), as he looked after the chicken in determination.

'Yes, indeed, we will meet again, Virginity Snatcher.'

But then he remembered he had a price. Smiling confidently, he turned to the totally submissive and cute Double Dork who were so ready for him since, like, an eternity ago and that made this night so perfect and the moment so brilliant and wonderful.

Kevin was respectable, however, so he cut off the bedsheets and they ran outside to a forest side of the cul-de-sac. If they were going to...do it, they were definitely not doing it nigh were Marie had been and probably tried to steal other virginities, because that was just too gross and not suitable for this essential moment at all.

"Eddward", Kevin said hungrily in his true name, "I want your Double D."

"Oh, Kevin!" He answered, throwing himself into his embrace. "I desire your dork more than anything!" He cried, feeling so totally safe in his arms.

Kevin pinned the other to a tree trunk and suddenly the captive wore a French Maid suit since, it would obviously make him much cuter. Kevin took off his hat, to reveal mid-back long blonde/black/pink/rainbow/whatever hair that glistened all Bishounen-like.

"Please, be gentle..." Double D breathed with big puppy dog eyes.

It didn't make make Kevin's stick of essence any softer and soon he had the little sex kitten in his embrace and began to fiercely make out. He took him against the tree with DD's back to it, cuz, the bed was boring a cliche and the tree was a much hotter and rougher position, everyone knows that! Rawrrrr ~ Heheeee nosebleed ~~ Kawaiikawaiikawaiii *shot*

Soon their passionate yells could be heard, and of course Double D was the loudest because he was the uke :3

Jimmy and Sarah were watching TV when their ears perked at the sudden screams.

"Ghaah, haa~! Keviiiiiin!~ I beseech you, increase you pace!"

"Hnnnhh, fuck, Double Dweeb, you're so much tighter than my bike in a rubber case."

"Ahhh...Kevin, don't curse-! Mmmph!" It sounded like he was interrupted by a kiss or something.

Sarah stared at him Jimmy horror, and he answered her gaze.

"I...I think that's enough soap operas for one day." Sarah said in shock and left the room. When Jimmy was sure that she had left his home, he dug up a hearing device from the attic and quickly went back to the window to listen more to this music.

"Gah! So beautiful!" He sighed dreamily, being such a closet shipper on deck.

They yelled some more, and absolutely it was certain that everyone could hear their primal activities but they didn't really care.

"Nghh, Kevin, take me hard! Oh, yes!"

"Quiet down, dork!"

"Ah, say it again, say it again!"

"Shut up, Double Dork!"

"Yes yes, again!"

"You're the dorkiest dork on this dorky planet."

"Ah, so good! You animal you!"

Soon everyone had mixed emotions about the ordeal. Nazz was giggling like a school girl being so supportive and fangirly, yay! Ed thought they were playing scrabble, Eddy was puking his guts out, Rolf was mad because it woke up his Nana and he had to make soy milk and turnip stew for her in the middle of the night and Jonny striked up a weird conversation with Plank.

"Gee, Plank, they sure are loud. Wow."

"Faggots." Plank said.

Jonny gasped.

"Plank, how can you say such a thing! You're getting burned at the stake first thing tomorrow if you say that out loud!"

"Well, shit." Plank said casually. "They are more gay than a bouquet of rainbow-colored daffodils."

Although everyone was a little shocked at first, they soon were soo happy for them because being gay was so right in every which way cuz it's the best thing there is! Plank just had to make sure to keep his mouth shut because if he says anything like that again everyone will totally saw his neck off and so will I!

Soon Kevin finished and he shot his masculine man chowder inside of DD, in which the other responded by squirting his more feminine man honey like milk squirting from a cow's teat.

"Wow, that was amazing!~ You're such a stallion; I don't think you stopped even once~!" Edd squealed, red like a spanked tomato. Normally he would be freaked out over the mess and would repeat 'messy, messy, messy' when he cleaned up after himself but was reminded that it was Kevin's milk and that was a total different thing and it was far from something dirty, in fact, it was cleansing!

"I'm glad I could please you, my little sex kitty." Kevin said and Double D gave him such a cute, sleepy smile, ready to fall asleep.

"Hey, Double Dweeb?"

"Hmm?" He yawned.

"I...I love u, okay!" He said all tsundere-like, which made him even hotter.

Edd smiled lovingly. "I reciprocate your feelings, my dearest Kevin. Do not fear." He stroked him over his chest and was so cute and adorable and sweet when they lay there like two rabbits; first sexing like them, and then sleeping cutely like them! Heeeeee~ *head explodes*

"By the way," Kevin said, stroking his partner's lustrous rapunzel hair. "Why are you so aroused by the word 'dork'?"

"Cuz it's a synonym for 'whale dong'."

"Ooooh..."

"Yeah." He faced away, blushing deeply. "G-goodnight." And he quickly fell asleep.

Kevin thought to himself.

"That explains why Nazz slapped me when I said it."

The next day, everyone were soo happy for them cause they were such a fitting cute couple and they celebrated by burning Plank on a stake (because he had blurted out the forbidden word). Jonny was of course sad but he knew what was right. Sexual orientation was more important than life itself!

After that, Edd and Kevin flew away on a unicorn, that randomly appeared, to the moon where they could be together forever and ever and have even more intercourse and make Double D pregnant what defies male physical logic and have kid-look a likes that were just as cute as them! They eventually became furries and soon they had so many kids that they rained and got adopted to those who needed babies, because both of them were so generous and kind-hearted. This could lead them to have even more sex in more detailed story-telling that takes up more than three whole chapters...

And they lived happily for all eternity, kyaa~squeesqueesquee I'mapervertlookatme! Nosebleednosebleednosebleed.

THE END!

A/N: Before you flame the story, hear me out, okay.

This was making fun of Kevedd, in case I lost you, as well as elements common in such fanfics (Eddy being a homophobe, Double D turned into a Marty Stu, yaoi fangirls demonizing those who don't like yaoi etc.)

I wasn't making fun of the shippers, just the pairing, fanfics and rabid yaoi fangirls (I dislike them so much.)

Believe it or not, I wrote this out of spite. Now, I'm normally not raged at the shipping, just annoyed. But you see, I had the time of the month, this is my last summer holiday of school although much shorter because I must work at a farm, and it's really tiring and I end up smelling like cow shit as well as being covered in it from head to toe when I get home.

So, I thought some fanfics could cheer me up. Some Ed Edd n Eddy always make me smile.

...BUT ALL I CAN FREAKING FIND IS STUPID KEVEDD, KEVEDD, KEVEDD.

I was so pissy to say the least, so I wrote this in half an hour and now I can't believe I'm posting it. I was really hesitant at first, but I decided I should in the end. The story was originally much more explicit but I changed it because 1) I don't want to scare away my followers, 2) I have a conscious and 3) I don't write explicit content anymore. Yes, I did before, but I have deleted every single trace of it. This is more like an erotica and since I'm making fun of stuff, I thought it wasn't as horrible n' yeah...that's my excuse. Please forgive me for writing this.

I just felt like doing a statement.

Before you say 'DON'T LIKE DON'T LOOK' I'm the type of person who looks at stuff she hates. Yes, I'm weird, and yes, I do exactly that. There's a reason I have watched the entire Twilight series, y'know.

You're welcome to review. Again: This was written for mostly my own entertainment and I did grow up with this show; so I'm sort of ruining my own childhood here. Normally I don't strive for this sort of crude humor (this is more vulgar than I usually write) so don't judge me out of this fanfic. I swear I don't always write like this.

Oh yeah, and the "Don't touch yourself" note? It's cannon. Cannon as in real. Look at any episode where you see the bathroom door in Edd's house, there's a note saying exactly that. No I'm not looking too much into it. See it yourself. I'm not joking.

Well, I should shut up now. I hope this wont give you any nightmares, and probably I will edit in the future so it will be either funnier or less vulgar or blahblahblah, good evening everyone.

Bye. Signing off. Wait a second I want to say- *headshot*