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Chapter Four - Breaking Boundaries

I love my shower. It doesn't matter how late I get home, or how tired I am, I always manage to enjoy some time under the spray before going to bed. I have a ritual. I fold back the covers, and lay out my sleep shorts and tank before throwing the decorative pillows that mom insists on, down beside the bed. I comb my hair and arrange it in a single braid, before stripping off and dropping my clothes on the floor by the shower. This part is important. It makes me feel like I'm shedding all the traumas of the day and leaving them there, not to be touched until the following morning. It may be silly, but it helps.

The pounding water is incredible and I can feel the tension in my shoulders ebbing away. Mom may not be very good at being there for me in person, but she never fails to find ways to show me that she cares. The sumptuous new bed and this AMAZING shower unit that she has had installed for my return are enough to convince me that she's glad to have me home.

I'm desperate for sleep, but I know that the events of today are going to plague my mind for hours to come. I don't want to think about Danny, but as always, he creeps into my head and distracts me from everything else. I was prepared for him to react to my return in one of two ways. Either he would be polite but distant, as he had been in the weeks before and after our break up, or he would be cockily confident, trying to reset the counter on our friendship, and ignoring the fact that he had broken my heart.

His behaviour today didn't fit into either of those categories. He was nervous, unsure of himself, and dare I say it, sincere? When he first arrived at the diner he seemed to be the Danny I remembered. Playful, charming and interested in everything and everyone around him. His mood seemed to sour as the evening went on though, and I watched as he extricated himself from the conversation, fidgeting compulsively and staring off into space. When he dropped the salt shaker and practically ran outside, I could see that something was really wrong. I expected Jo to go after him, but she purposely launched into conversation with Phoebe, ignoring the interruption completely. I was debating following him myself with Rico along for back up when Cole leaned over and whispered, "I really think you should check on him Lacey."

Rico looked concerned, but didn't say anything when I stood to go.

Danny told me that he isn't, and never was, in a relationship with Jo. That was a surprise. I thought that they were a foregone conclusion and I'll admit that was a key part of the reason why I didn't get in touch with either of them while I was living in Seattle. I almost wish that he hadn't told me. The last thing I need is for Danny to become a possibility again. I have to remind myself that the fact that he didn't actually go through with things doesn't erase the pain of just how little our break up seemed to affect him. He just seemed to carry on as normal, ignoring my attempts to reach out to him and treating me like an acquaintance.

I didn't know what to say. He was finally trying to open up to me and it wasn't the polished, practised wordplay that I had come to expect from him. It was rushed and jumbled and real. I couldn't help but think that this breakthrough was just too tragically late to make a difference. My lack of reaction to his admission clearly disappointed him, and I did my best to explain that I have to protect myself right now, and that involves avoiding being swept up in past dramas. As he told me when he first returned to Green Grove, the past is in the past. I'm determined to leave it there.

I turn off the spray and take my time drying off, brushing my teeth and applying body lotion before throwing on my robe and wandering back to my room.

I know instantly that something's off when I see the light on. I never use the harsh overhead light, preferring to rely on the bedside lamp. In fact, the only time that light was ever used with any regularity was when we were kids. Danny would sneak through my window, flipping the lightswitch to signal that he was there.

I take a deep breath, and run my hands over my hair smoothing down non-existent strays. I must have turned on the light without realising. There is no way in hell that Danny would invade my space like this after everything that's happened between us. I pause as I reach the door. Who am I kidding? Danny is an expert at pushing himself into my space, my life and my relationships. He just doesn't let me do the same in return.

I step inside to see him sitting quietly on my window seat, just as expected. He jumps up when he sees me, smiling sheepishly.

"I thought I better leave the light on." He gestures to the bed where my sleep clothes are neatly laid out. "I didn't want to risk you coming in here naked."

His lopsided grin is tentative and his hands shake as he plunges them into his pockets. I feel my indignation wane. I told him once that the friendship came first, and I meant it. If Danny needs a friend, I won't turn him away. But I have to stay strong.

"What do you need Danny?" I switch the overhead light off, leaving us in the delicate glow of the lamp, and flop down on the bed. Danny seems unsure about where to put himself, but then slowly moves to perch beside me.

"You're never asleep at this time, so I took a chance that you wouldn't mind hanging out with me."

Danny was well aware of my insomnia. I'd always had trouble sleeping, but it became chronic when we were about nine years old and my parents marital problems escalated. Where before there was the occasional argument, there was now near constant yelling interspersed with periods of tense, miserable silence. My mom dealt with it by trying to spend as much time outside of the house as possible, throwing herself into nurturing Clara's various extra-curricular activities, ferrying her back and forth to swim meets and gymnastic practice. Clara blossomed under the extra attention, and the trips across town became trips across the State for regional tournaments. Dad would retreat into his study for what felt like days at a time, leaving me in the care of the TV. Eventually I realised that he must have been escaping too, because the few times I tentatively pushed the door open to talk to him I found the room empty. That was the point at which I pretty much stopped being able to sleep through the night at all, terrified of being in the house alone, scared that my family wouldn't come back.

Danny used to find comic books for me to read at night to pass the lonely hours. He'd even promise to stay up as well so that I knew that there was someone else awake with me even if we were on opposite sides of town. I don't know if he actually did it, but I remember being comforted by the thought.

"Ok Danny," I turn towards him, propping myself up on my elbow, "talk to me. How did you manage to sneak out? Don't tell me Masterson is letting you miss curfew?"

"Wow Lacey," He says smiling, "your information is severely out of date. I don't live with them anymore. I only stayed there temporarily." He chuckles ruefully, "very temporarily. I have my own place, about four blocks from here actually."

An unexpected pang of sadness hits me. I know that Danny's effectively been on his own since he was eleven, but that doesn't stop the worry I feel at the thought of him living alone in some apartment.

"But how Danny? You're seventeen." I hope that he's not breaking any laws. The last thing he needs is to be taken away from Green Grove and shipped off to some kind of care home. It would be like Juvie all over again.

"Well Lacey, I am officially emancipated." He shuffles from his seated position to lie flat on his back, head close to mine.

"A few months after you left, my mother had a nervous breakdown. It seemed like it came out of nowhere, but it was probably building steadily since my dad died. The first time." He smiles halfheartedly. "The state wanted to send me to live with my grandmother in Arizona, but there was no way that I was going to let that happen. Luckily I had the resources to get a great lawyer and launch a claim to have myself declared an emancipated minor. Since there was nobody to contest it the whole process only took about six weeks. Once that was done I set myself up with a place."

I'm glad that he's in a position to take control. Danny has lost years of his life because of the actions of the people that were supposed to take care of him. Maybe it's best that he is officially allowed to take on that mantle himself.

"And you chose to set yourself up a few blocks from where I live?"

He swallows. "Well, I won't lie. It did cross my mind that when…or if you came back, I might get to see more of you if we were only walking distance apart."

I nod slowly. I try not to be, but I'm touched. He was thinking of me when he decided where to start his new life.

"What's it like?"

His look is questioning, prompting me to explain, "Having your own place I mean? Are you lonely?"

"Yes," he says without hesitation. "Aren't you?"

When we were kids, we used to talk about this al lot. About not wanting to go home. We used to say that the fort was our real home, and the three of us were the real family. Almost ten years later and I think he still feels the same way.

"I'd love you to see the place actually, I did my best to keep the décor Lacey friendly."

"Lacey friendly?"

"You know, lots of warm colours and soft surfaces. Places for you to flop around on." His grin is infectious, and I feel a matching one spread over my face.

"I do not flop around!"

His mouth curls in amusement. "Oh you do. Every chance you get you kick off your shoes and flop down onto couches, cushions, beds, the floor… you're a flopper."

It's not the description of myself that I'd like, but I can't honestly disagree with him, especially given my current position.

"And just to clarify, I love that." His eyes are heavy with affection, and I'm suddenly very glad that he came here tonight. I reach out to stroke his chin, "I like the facial hair. Very Johnny Depp."

He looks embarrassed, "Uh, thanks," he says, blinking rapidly.

"So what else? Still playing soccer?"

His eyes light up, revelling at the opportunity to talk about one of his favourite subjects.

"Most definitely, the team is flourishing under Coles esteemed leadership. We made regionals again this year."

I know how pleased he must be to be able to play again. He was devastated to be kicked off that team, especially for something that he didn't do, would never do.

"Wow, Danny you're a joiner." I tickle his chin again, "I'm proud of you."

"Didn't Green Grove Academy make it to regionals too?" He nods in reply.

"In that case I think you'll have stiff competition from our old friend."

His brow furrows in confusion, "Old friend?"

"Archie. He's centre forward over there."

Danny's head falls into his palms dramatically. "You mean I have to deal with his adolescent bullying tactics again?"

I chuckle, "I doubt it, Archie's really not –"

I'm interrupted by the insistent buzz of my phone on my bedside table. I reach over and grab it, shuffling up to sit against the headboard as I answer the call.

"Hey Partner," I should have known that Rico would call. Skype, email and text have always been our go to methods of communication, but now that we're a mile apart I guess video calling might seem weird.

He asks how I am holding up, and wants to know what happened with Danny outside the diner. I want to tell him everything but I can't with the man himself staring at me from the bottom of the bed.

"Yeah, I'm good. Danny's here."

The answering silence tells me that Rico has some negative feelings about this, probably about the possibility of me slipping back into old habits. I'm just about to say something when he speaks.

"Ok. You know what you're doing."

I can't help but smile at that. Rico disapproves, but he trusts my judgment and will be there for me no matter what happens here.

I look up at Danny. "I don't know that I do… but thanks."

I clear my throat. "I better go. Breakfast tomorrow? We need to talk."

I didn't get a chance to speak to Rico alone after our very informative chat with Patterson, and we have some serious catching up to do about this case.

"Sure, see you at 7. Be careful."

He disconnects, and I stare at the phone for a few seconds.

"Rico." Danny says, a statement rather than a question.

"Yeah. He's just checking in. Probably just wants to see if I'm planning on taking a sleeping pill." He raises an eyebrow, silently urging me to continue.

"I was taking them more regularly than I probably should have back in Seattle, so I've been trying to keep them for really bad nights. But sometimes I get so exhausted I slip."

He levels me with an assessing look. "I can tell that you don't want to talk about it so I'm not going to ask you for any details about your time in Seattle…" He swallows, "But… you'd tell me if there was something serious going on with you? Something I should know about?"

I look him in the eye and the lie slips out easily. "Of course Danny."

"Ok." I'm impressed at his restraint. He's never been good at letting things go.

"You two are pretty close huh?" he asks.

"Yeah, I guess we are. We have similar boundaries though, and we respect them. So it works."

For a split second I think that he's going to do something normal, like act jealous. But Danny Desai doesn't do normal, so he just smiles at me.

To be fair the only person that Danny had a reason to be jealous of was Archie, and he never showed any sign of it, not overtly anyway. He just seemed to dismiss him outright, never mentioning him when we were together. Against my wishes, my mind flashes back to a moment in time when Danny was jealous. It wasn't about me though, and I forcibly cast the thought away.

"I'm glad that you've had someone." He says, rubbing his forehead, "I'm sorry it wasn't me."

"That's ok Danny," I say with a shrug, "it's not like we were really friends."

I realise what I've said immediately and would do anything to take it back. The flash of pain that I see on his face cuts through me.

"God, that came out completely wrong. Of course we were friends. When we were kids you were my best friend. I just meant that when you came back we had this… attraction thing…and between me avoiding you, our secret relationship and all the revelations going on in this crazy town we didn't actually get around to reconnecting properly as friends. There was always an undercurrent of something else."

He's lying on his back now, staring up at the ceiling with his hands clasped over his stomach. "Do you think that's why it didn't work out?"

I'm silent. We both know exactly why it didn't work out between us. He lied over and over again. He didn't trust me enough to confide in me, and I couldn't handle that.

He turns over onto his front and scoots towards me.

"I mean, I know why you ended things, and I completely understand under the circumstances... but I guess what I'm asking is, do you think we could have worked out in the long term if I hadn't pushed the romance thing, and had just concentrated on getting to know my friend again?"

He looks at me pleadingly, and it's obvious that he's given this some thought.

"I honestly don't know Danny. I take responsibility for what happened too. I kissed you first. I'm the one that decided to keep us a secret. Do I honestly think that given time, you and Archie would have made friends and Sarita would have welcomed you into our group with open arms? No, I really don't believe that ever would have happened."

I don't know whether that is what he wanted or expected to hear. He sighs, and looks down at his hands.

"We didn't fail Danny, we just evolved. We went from childhood friends to teen lovers, to exes and now hopefully back to friends with a couple long absences thrown in. I don't think many relationships formed at four years old could survive what ours has. We should be proud of ourselves."

I try to give him a lighthearted smile but he's still staring down at his hands which are now toying nervously with the bedspread. I don't know what else to say, so I drop my palm to cup the back of his neck softly, dragging my thumb along his nape.

His answering shiver sends a familiar thrill through me, and his eyes snap up to meet mine.

"I'm glad you came over Danny. You said earlier that you want me back in your life. Well I want that too. I want us to be friends."

My hand is still moving along his neck, fingers running through the hair at the back of his head. His gaze is soft and liquid.

"Friends." He whispers, leaning forward to give me greater access to his neck.

I didn't really consider this as a possibility, but in this moment, I can't really think of any reason not to. I haven't had the chance to choose anything in so long. Why shouldn't I have a just a taste of something that I really want?

I lean towards him, invading his space until our lips are millimetres apart. He swallows hard, eyes flicking down to rest on my mouth. I lick my lips slowly, and his breath catches in his throat. His hands clutch at me, fingers flexing as he waits for my next move. In this, he always lets me take the lead.

I let my lips melt into his and he pushes forward eagerly. His lips are soft, nipping at me as he presses his body flush against mine. His tongue makes it's first foray inside as his arms surround me.

I drag my fingertips across his shoulder blade with my left hand and clutch his hip with my right, an action that causes him to deepen the kiss further. I feel his hesitation before he pulls back, watching me, a question in his eyes.

I stare at him steadily, willing him to understand. Please don't spoil this Danny. Don't ask me for anything more than this. He must sense my thoughts because he casts his eyes downwards, and swallows deeply before capturing my mouth again without saying a word.

I can feel that he's nervous. He always is when we're together. I on the other hand, am not. This is when I'm at my most confident. It doesn't require anything from me but to touch, feel, respond, let go.

This is the only thing that those five long years in Juvie didn't prepare him for. He said once that every time I touch him, he feels it down to his toes, like he's never been touched before. I said that would wear off, but we weren't together long enough for him to find that out for himself.

The first time we were together he was eager, and a little scared. I thought that it was because it was his first time, but afterwards he confessed that he had expected me to change my mind, to decide that being that close to him was too much of a risk for me. I remember his eyes more than anything else. The way they wouldn't leave my face, gauging my reactions to his every movement and filing the data away for later use.

He is incapable of schooling his expressions when we are like this. If he had any idea how open he is when we kiss, how readable, he would hide away. Instead he looks at me with his heart in his eyes. It's in these moments that I feel closest to him.

"Lace, I…" he falters, breathes deep and tries again, "I want you so badly." His hand sweeps over my leg languidly, then pauses suddenly, his hands still and his shoulders tense. I shift my leg away but it's too late. He grips me tighter. "What's that?" he asks.

"Nothing… c'mere Danny." He ignores me, scooting down to get a better look. His eyes peruse the small collection of raised razor thin scars on my inner thigh, ranging from light brown to angry red.

"Oh Lacey..." His eyes are impossibly sad when he looks up at me, his hand closing over my thigh protectively.

"What happened? Who did this to you?" I can see the wheels turning in his head, and I remain silent as the realisation hits him.

"Did you do it to yourself?"

He's not going to stop asking questions. I concentrate on taking deep steady breaths, and fix my eyes over his head looking towards the window. He's staring at me with a mixture of compassion and fear, and I have to avoid his gaze if I'm going to maintain my cool.

"I don't want to talk about it right now." I say evenly.

He looks down again and takes a deep breath. "Lacey, baby, some of these are still raw..." He buries his face in my stomach, "Oh god..." His voice is muffled but I can hear the strain.

"I'm fine Danny, really." I say, staring up at the ceiling.

He grabs my face softly and forces me to look at him. "This isn't what fine looks like Lacey."

I can't talk about this. Not with him. I just need time to acclimatise myself to being back, to having him in my life again.

"If I promise to tell you...soon, will you leave it for now?" He looks upset, his eyes wide and glistening. I swallow around the lump in my throat and continue.

"I only just got back Danny, and we haven't seen each other in so long. I just want to ease back into things."

"But-"

"Talking about this isn't easing in Danny. It's going straight into some intense stuff."

"I promise you that I've got everything under control, and that I'm ok."

He still looks unsure, but he indicates his agreement with an almost imperceptible nod.

I sit up, and draw him into a long, lingering kiss.

Afterwards, he seems reluctant to let go, stroking my back and kissing my forehead.

I don't know how to describe the look on his face, and a familiar curl of panic has started to unfurl in my abdomen.

"What?" I ask.

"Nothing, I just..." he strokes my cheek, "this morning when I woke up, I didn't have a hope of seeing you. And now, I have you in my arms…" He kisses my cheek, my chin, my neck, anywhere he can reach.

"Get some sleep Danny." I say, pressing a kiss to his shoulder.

I close my eyes against his probing stare, and wait for sleep to take me.

A/N Hope you liked it! Please let me know what you think by reviewing. A more graphic version of this chapter is up on AO3 (Archive of Our Own) under the same username, so check that out if you're interested. The next chapter will delve more deeply into the mystery element of the plot.