suspiria de profundis

She's staring at her shoes on the black tiles long after the words have dissipated. Tears still escape her eyes, cascade down her cheeks until eventually they drop into her lap. Her vision is blurred, the floor an indistinct scheme of lines and blackness, the edges of the room only occasionally manifesting into solid formations before they start to dislimn again.

She still hears her words echoing through the silence, those empty words that mean so little when she knows that she has failed her girlfriend once again. She still hears the quiver in her voice, the inevitable break when she got to the part about Kira, and finds that her lip is still trembling with restrained sobs, even though she has long stopped speaking.

She still hasn't dared to look up at Cosima, isn't ready for the way she is sure she'll look at her. The look of love and adoration she now finds so naturally in her girlfriend's dark eyes surely replaced with disappointment and disgust, and she hates herself for not being better, for not being the person she wants to be for Cosima and even though she knows that she has failed her she is not ready to see that knowledge reflected in her girlfriend's eyes. And so she keeps staring at the floor until her eyes hurt.

The silence is almost unbearable, the sheer weight of it drowning her with numbness and fear; strings of darkness constrict around her throat, tighter and tighter until breathing becomes almost impossibly hard and she hears the painfully loud gasp for breath falling from her lips and carry through the room.

"Do you hate me?" she is staring at her fingers in her lap, at the way her nails press into the skin of her palm and leave painful half- moons in their way. She doesn't notice the words leaving her lips until she hears them carrying through the air, silent and wavering and sounding like they were spoken by a frightened little child instead of her usually composed and confident self.

"What?" the nasal cannula as well as the fact that she has just slept for several hours cause Cosima's voice to sound flat, lacking the usual depth and gravity and yet the incredulity resonates from that singular syllable.

Delphine feels the trembling in her shoulders again, the remnants of sobs tearing at her body, wrenching at her bone and skin with tremulous strength and she feels the fiery burn of tears threatening to break free.

"Delphine" she feels Cosima's hand on her thighs, feels the way she lets it wander along until she reaches her hand and her index finger starts tracing its contours before she lets her palm slip into Delphine's and interweaves their fingers with each other. Her hold is gentle, yet solid and Delphine glances at the woman next to her, her eyes still held low with caution, her lips quivering as fresh tears start cascading down her cheeks in long streaks.

She finally meets Cosima's eyes then. The eyes she has fallen so deeply in love with, and she is astounded by what she finds. Cosima's dark orbs speak of nothing but love and a kind of understanding she doesn't think she deserves.

She takes a deep breath and feels the way the air actually fills her up again. She feels Cosima's thumb starting to draw circles on the back of her hand, slow and soothing, infinitely gentle and sighs at the feeling of some of the weight being lifted from her chest. She breathes in deeply once again and relishes the way her girlfriend's touch seems to loosen the claws around her throat and wash the numbing fear away.

"It's not your fault" Cosima's voice is silent and Delphine hears the effort it takes her girlfriend to even speak, hears the edge in her voice that announces the menacing coughs scratching at her throat and sees the firm determination sparkling in her eyes as she fights to suppress them from spilling free.

"Rachel took Kira, it is not your fault" the bed sheets rustle as Cosima moves to sit up and pull her legs underneath her so that she is sitting cross legged in front of Delphine, her head tilted so that their eyes meet.

She reaches out to bring her palm to Delphine's cheek, her touch infinitely soft on her girlfriend's skin and she is relieved to find her lean into her touch her eyes fall shut.

It hurts to see her like this, full of self- loathing and misplaced blame and especially now, where every second of life is a gift, she wants Delphine to be okay and able to spend her time with her instead of putting herself down for something that wasn't her mistake. She still hears the sobs repeated in her mind, cutting her heart like glass and she wants, no she needs to prove to her girlfriend that this situation hasn't been her fault and show her just how much she loves her.

When the tears start falling less frequently she starts catching the singular drops with her thumb and traces the soft skin underneath her girlfriend's eyes until at last, they stop.

"I should have known" Delphine's whisper is directed more at herself than at Cosima as she finally voices what little voices have been whispering inside her mind for the past couple hours.

"No" Cosima shakes her head and stills her palm on Delphine's cheek, watches as her eyes flutter open once again and lets her palm travel down to her chin, where she tilts it upwards so that their eyes meet across the small distance.

"Rachel could have fooled any of us. She is very intelligent and has probably been planning this for weeks, if not months. You were just a tool in her twisted game and it is not your fault"

Delphine feels the drying moisture on her cheeks and bites down on her still trembling lips, her teeth cutting onto the soft flesh until she tastes the nauseating taste of metal on her lips and feels Cosima's thumb right underneath her lip, soothing the arising pain and she leans down ever so slightly so that she is able to press the softest of kisses onto it.

"We'll get Kira back" Cosima coughs, and although her lips are closed the sound is violent, like a gun shot in the silent room and Delphine's eyes light up in alarm, her arm reaching out to steady her girlfriend in case of an escalation, but Cosima just shakes her head, closes her eyes for a second and looks back up at her with an unsteady, yet determined smile.

"It's going to be okay, it will all be okay" Neither of them is quite sure which situation she is talking about anymore, but both of them hope it applies to all of them.

Delphine knows that her girlfriend is still struggling to breathe, that even staying awake is difficult for her and so she scoots closer and pulls her legs up onto the bed as well. The bed is small, designed to fit one person only and yet she somehow finds a way to lower Cosima's body back down onto the mattress and arrange herself so that she is lying next to her, face to face, close enough to have their noses brushing and their legs a tangled mess.

She moves her arm around Cosima's waist; pulls herself even closer into her and rests her forehead against her girlfriend's so that their eyes meet and she can feel her warm breath on her lips. Her other hand moves up to cover Cosima's chest, right where she can feel the steady heart beat that is echoed from the machine next to the bed. Steady and solid beats and she lets them soothe the turmoil in her mind and relishes every single one like the most precious treasure until she feels Cosima's lips on hers. They are soft and they are tender and she feels the words more than she actually hears them. Repeated over and over again and she hopes that they will be imprinted on her very soul.

"I love you"

AN: Ema asked me to write this and I was thrilled to do so. I hope you enjoyed it and I would love to hear your thoughts:)