A/N: This is partly inspired by this: . and partly just because I don't understand my brain sometimes. I regret nothing.

Minor trigger warnings for recreational drug use and horrible metaphors.

"When I find whoever did this, I will hurt them more than you hurt Snow's toaster!" Regina was furiously pacing outside the pawn shop, waiting for Gold to show up.

"Regina, babe–"

"Emma, that word makes me feel like a cuddly panda," Regina snapped. "I'm not a cuddly panda. I'm vicious. Like..." she pursed her lips, trying to come up with an apt comparison.

"Like your heels?" her wife helpfully supplied.

Regina huffed. "Where is that imp? He's even slower than your mother's thought processes." At Emma's reproachful glare, she sniffed. "What? You know it's true. Just like our love." She flinched when she heard what she'd just said, looking vaguely nauseous. "Oh god, I'm beginning to sound like your insipid parents. This spell is driving me insane," she gritted out.

"Don't worry," Emma murmured and pulled her into an embrace, patting her back, "we'll get to the bottom of this. Just like last night with the new dildo and your–" She stopped herself when she saw the wide-eyed looks she got from the couple that just walked past them. "Never mind."

"I can assure you, I had nothing to do with this."

"Then why aren't you affected?" Regina narrowed her eyes, noticing Mr. Gold's badly hidden discomfort. Something was off.

He ground his teeth for a moment. "I am affected, I'm just doing my best to avoid it. It's quite annoying." His lips turned down in disgust as he looked out the window and mumbled, "like mismatching socks."

"Ah." Regina paused, an eyebrow raised. "So you're actually innocent. As innocent as a newborn sloth."

"Do not compare me with a sloth," he snarled.

"You walk like one," Regina quipped with a smug smirk.

"Hey!" Emma interrupted. "Let's just get along... like old knitting buddies, okay?"

She was met with two confused stares.

"Shit." She winced. "Don't tell anyone, especially not my mother. Please?"

"Knitting, Miss Swan?" Regina's eyebrow was almost at her hairline.

Emma shrugged, a faint blush tinting her cheeks. "I had to do something in prison. Besides, knitting is kind of fun. Like make Grumpy believe his hair was on fire." She sighed happily, smiling wistfully. "Took me half an hour to convince him that he didn't have hair in the first place. He was so drunk."

"In any case," Mr. Gold said, "the spell. It's sloppy–"

"Like Hook's mascara," Emma provided, nodding sagely. "Seriously, he should take classes or something."

"I'm sure. If this spell would have been cast correctly, it would have been much more restrictive. It leads me to believe that someone completely without skill cast it."

"Sounds like a prank."

Mr. Gold nodded. "It may just be. Someone might have found a spellbook and wanted to try out their newfound power. Magic is quite addictive." He paused, a forlorn look in his eyes. "Like bubble wrap."

"So you're not affected?" Regina eyed the Charmings skeptically.

Snow gave David a quick glance before turning back to Regina. "I... don't think so? You still haven't explained what the spell does."

"It forces us to talk in metaphors, like an abusive thesaurus," Emma explained.

"An abusive–" David repeated, eyeing Emma incredulously.

"Don't mind her," Regina said with a dismissive wave of her hand. "Her metaphors are worse than a broken umbrella." She turned her lips down in obvious displeasure. "Useless."

Emma pouted.

"Well, we haven't noticed anything like that all day. Wait," David turned to Snow. "Wasn't Ruby acting a little weird too? Talking about cute beavers and comparing Tink to a forest fire?"

"Oh, right, she did." Snow chewed on her lip, brows furrowed. "I thought it was a wolf-thing."

"The spell must only affects magic users," Regina decided after a few moments of thoughtful silence. "And that leaves the fairies."

The fairies were stoned.

"Even more hammered than your pussy last night," Emma mumbled, earning her a scathing glare from Regina.

Blue wandered up to them, leaning on another fairy who seemed awfully interested in how Blue's neck tasted. "Regina, how nice to see you. And you, Save– Sa– Say–" She hiccuped and gave Emma a stern look for having such a difficult title. "Emma. What can I do for you."

"Just as long as you don't do them like you do me," the other fairy murmured, nibbling on Blue's ear.

"Oh... no, I, uh, no." She licked her lips and groped the fairies butt possessively. "Definitely not. That wouldn't be ap– apporpir– arr– good. And we're good. But not as good as your tongue, you little minx," she purred into the fairy's ruffled hair.

Regina cleared her throat loudly. "We believe someone here cast a spell. We need to find her to revert it."

"Of course, your maj'sty, look w'rever you like," Blue slurred, swiping out her free hand in a gesture that probably was meant to be inviting. "What's mine is yours." Her face turned hostile in an instant, eyes narrow and calculating. "Except this one. She's mine," she hissed, pulling the other fairy closer.

"Gina!"

They found Nova snorting fairy dust a bit further into the convent. She stumbled towards them, all sparkly around her lips, catching Regina in a clumsy embrace.

"You've always been, like, my favorite monarch, you know? And you're so pretty," she gushed. "Are you sure you're not a fairy? You're as pretty as," she hiccuped, "as a fairy larvae."

Emma made a face. "Fairy larvae? Are you guys like magical insects?"

"Don't be silly," Nova giggled. "Insects are scary. Like scissors," she whispered, her eyes round and afraid as she threw a few nervous glances around her. "Do you know how fragile our wings are?"

"As delightful as this is, there is a point to our visit," Regina explained, having untangled herself from the fairy. "Did you happen to cast a spell forcing people to talk in metaphors and comparisons earlier today?"

Nova blinked, staring at them dumbly.

"Did you make magic today?" Regina tried again. "Sparkles? Clouds of smoke? Fancy lights and sounds?" She was using her you're-an-idiot-voice, for once not directed at her wife.

"Ooh!" Nova's entire face lit up in a wide smile. "It was so sparkly! It covered, like, everywhere. So pretty... like you." She was ogling Regina again, her eyes practically heart shaped. "Are you sure you're not–"

"Can you revert it?" Emma cut off. "Like giving Regina head after being an idiot – ow!" She rubbed the back of her head and shot her wife a sullen look. "Not my fault my metaphors are all about you."

Regina rolled her eyes and turned to Nova. "Well?"

"Oh, that, uh... no." She scrunched her face up in thought, pouting slightly. "I'm not sure what I did. But anyway, I can't do spells that last longer than a day so it'll prob– prol– prolaby wear off tomorrow."

"You're sure about that?"

"Hm?" Nova mumbled, momentarily distracted by two fairies wrestling in fairy dust. "Oh, that! Yes. Positively a hundred percent sure. As sure as I am that fairy dust is completely safe to inhale." She giggled hysterically and scratched the back of her hand frantically before mumbling something about Grumpy and running off.

"I swear, Emma, one more word–" Regina bit out, one hand tangled in Emma's hair and one clawing at the sheets.

"But you're so wet," Emma panted and added another finger, grinning at how Regina's mouth formed a perfect 'o' and her hips flew up to meet Emma's hand. "Like a newly showered puppy."

"That was the worst– fuck!" she screamed as Emma ground her palm into Regina's clit.

"Why doesn't that turn me off," Regina groaned. "I don't want to get off on it but I do. Like your horrible leather jacket."

Emma grinned, feeling how close Regina was. "Maybe I'll wear it next time."

Regina's eyes widened first, only to narrow dangerously moments later. "Don't you dare–" she warned before her body tensed and trembled and she came hard, screaming Emma's name.

This day was pretty good after all, Emma thought and licked her fingers as Regina curled up to her. Like a half-eaten bear claw.