Thank you once again to all of you who have been following this guide. And an extra special thanks to those of you who have left comments. I've very much enjoyed reading them, especially the various parody reviews (liek updat so0n 4realz ur fic is so gud!1one). I appreciate you people.

So, you wanna write a badfic…

Part 4

Hello, my beauties! You've waited patiently for four long years and at last I have returned with another extension of the guide. Find a comfy chair, blow the dust off your keyboard, and let's jump right back in!

Many of you have noticed that up until this point I've been mostly focusing on the content of bad fanfiction and ignoring, for the most part, the points of spelling, grammar, and word choice. I know that you are concerned about this, so I've dedicated the first half of today's chapter exclusively to these three points.

Step 15: Including sensory details is a waste of time. To illustrate, compare the passages below.

Goodfic Example:

Katara's eyes widened in wonder as she entered Zuko's enormous house. She looked around in awe. Zuko's family had to be seriously loaded to afford a place like this; three stories, cherry wood floors, modern glass coffee tables, walls decked out in tasteful artwork by well-known contemporary painters… It was a vision of grandeur more splendid than any Katara had encountered in her humble life. She almost felt like she was intruding onto a holy ground. Or perhaps she was experiencing the feelings of a peasant stepping into a palace.

As Zuko led her through the spacious foyer, her nose was tickled with the breezy, fresh scent of high quality cleaning products. Judging by the spotless shine of the marble floor as well as of the protective glass coverings on the paintings, Katara could only assume that the place was upkept by a maid. To think that a person hailing from a family of such apparent wealth would be attending a school like Avatar High. Katara would definitely have to ask Zuko about that later.

Whew, that was exhausting. Obviously, the take-away here is that Zuko is rich. We don't need two full paragraphs to tell us that. Our readers are very busy people and so are we. We don't have the time to waste giving our reader a colorful picture of each and every scene. Your prerogative as a badfic writer is to provide the barest minimum of details in order to keep your sexy plot moving right along.

Badfic Example:

Katara gasped (teehee) when she entered Zuko's house. It was huge! She didn't know Zuko was so rich. What was a richboy doing at her school?

Much better. Put all that superfluous verbiage in the trash where it belongs. See how much cleaner and simpler our passage is now? Your readers will thank you for not bogging them down with good writing.

Step 16: Sometimes words are spelled similarly to other words. This can be difficult to keep track of, and honestly, trying to verify the spelling of every single word is a huge bother so don't even try.

Zuko lead Katara up the stares to his room. On the way, they past a picture of a beautiful women on the wall. She had dark hare and pretty golden eyes just like Zuko.

"Is that your mom?" Katara asked, stopping to stair at it.

Zuko nodded. "Ya. Her name is Ursa. She doesn't live with us anymore. Not since Dad cheated on her."

Katara was sad to here that. "Oh. I'm sorry. Do you still get to sea her sometimes?"

Zuko smiled and nodded again. "My sister and I visit her once a month. At first it was hard to except our parents' divorce, but we've settled into life without her. Things are defiantly better now that they aren't fighting all the thyme."

Zuko motioned for her to fallow again and they preceded to Zuko's room.

Step 17: Sometimes your readers will complain that you use certain words too much. Or maybe you think your word choice is boring. When this happens, don't be afraid to grab the nearest thesaurus and go nuts. Not totally sure what a word means? No problem. Use it anyway. You're probably right.

Katara was mesmerized as Zuko's hands flew over his computer's keyboard. He was inditing code at the celerity of light. Katara literally couldn't believe her ocular perceivers. She cerebrated she was a pro, but Zuko was astounding.

The two programmers spent the whole afternoon dissertating their work and exhibiting each other cool tricks they'd come up with. Katara was having the time of her existence. Never afore had she met a personage who she clicked with so facilely. Zuko wasn't just pulchritudinous, he was keenly intellective and comical and he seemed to relish all the same things she did. They rejoiced in the same music and visually examined the same TV shows and even commerced at the same stores.

When Katara conclusively left to return to her own abode, she and Zuko promised to ambulate to school together the next morning. Their houses weren't too far away from each other so they could facilely meet up every morning. Katara was exhilarated to have an ambulating buddy and it would give her a chance to verbalize code with him in privacy.

Riveting. This concludes the spelling and grammar portion of the chapter. We shall now return to story mode.

Step 18: There will be times when your character will be alone or otherwise not in the company of the individual we want them to bang. These parts are generally boring and your reader will want you to hurry them along. Unfortunately, these parts are necessary. But fear not, even the dull, tedious bits can be spiced up with a healthy dose of pining.

Later that evening, Katara fell onto her bed and stretched her arms over her head. She couldn't wait for tomorrow. She wanted to see Zuko right now. Not even her precious code could keep her mind engaged. Her heart pounded in her chest as she thought of Zuko's gorgeous eyes and well-muscled arms. A part of her wanted to grab her phone and call Lynn just to gush about him. Katara had never been the type to go crazy about a boy, but Zuko was… there was just something about him. She'd never met somebody so mysterious and alluring. (There is still nothing mysterious about Zuko but I am obligated to describe him this way.)

She was so caught up in her fantasies of gold eyes and shaggy black hair that she completely forgot to work on the program that was due in just a few weeks.

Step 19: We all know Katara is already smitten with Zuko, but our story wouldn't be fun unless she was a little wishy washy. Time to solidify our love triangle.

The next morning, as Katara was walking to the street corner where she would meet Zuko, her good mood abruptly plummeted when she found another man waiting for her. He certainly wasn't Zuko and he was the last person Katara wanted to see on such a beautiful morning.

"Hey, babe," Jet called with a wave. "What a coincidence. We don't normally run into each other before school."

Katara scowled. "That's because you don't live in this neighborhood. Why are you here, Jet?"

Jet loped toward her like an overconfident wolf who'd just sniffed out an injured rabbit. He shrugged as he stood before her. "Just thought I'd take a different route today. Y'know, enjoy the sunshine." He smirked down at her with sly, beady eyes.

Katara's scowl grew. "I thought I made it clear yesterday that I don't want anything to do with you," she reminded him. "You broke my trust. Once my trust is broken, it can't be fixed. Get lost."

(This statement goes completely against Katara's character in canon because she's shown time and again to give second chances to those who have wronged her, but we're going to ignore that for the sake of our more edgy Katara.)

Jet ignored her. Instead of getting lost as directed, he reached out and grabbed her upper arm. "Listen, babe. I really want to make things right between us. I know I did you wrong, but I'm a changed man. I won't ever cheat on you again, so give me another chance. Come to the concert with me on Saturday."

Katara's eyes narrowed and she appraised the boy in front of her. The last thing she wanted was to have her heart broken again. Jet was a scoundrel and he wasn't worth her time. But… he was an excellent kisser. The two of them had been an amazing couple before he'd made the decision to go behind her back. If he was really serious about changing, maybe it wouldn't be so bad to consider giving him a second chance.

(For some reason, being a great kisser is a legitimate reason to forgive someone and consider getting back together with them even after they were unfaithful to you and even though there's another boy in your life now who is clearly shown to be a much better match for you and who you legitimately like and fantasize about romantically.)

Jet's grip on her arm was warm and familiar and brought back fond memories of making out behind the gym and holding him close as he drove her around on his Harley Davidson. Her cheeks pinkened and she pulled gently out of his grip. "I'll think about it," she relented. Her eyes hardened again and she added, "But I won't make any promises. You have to show me that you've changed."

Jet's smirk returned. "Of course. I swear on my position as captain of the basketball team. Speaking of which, I gotta get going. Morning practice starts in ten and I need to be there." He waved and took off running in the direction of the school, tossing a, "See ya, Katara!" over his shoulder as he left.

Step 20: Love triangles thrive on dishonesty and poor communication. Use lots of this.

Just then, Zuko rounded the corner. Katara blushed and nervously fixed her hair as he approached. "Morning, Katara," he called to her pleasantly. "Were you talking to someone just now?" He looked around curiously.

Katara waved a hand dismissively. "Oh, that was just a friend from Trig. He wanted to borrow my notes because he missed class on Monday." (Katara didn't have to lie about this. She could have just been frank with Zuko about Jet wanting to reestablish their former relationship but she's lying to keep her options open. This is the only legitimate way to write a love triangle in a badfic.)

Katara felt a little bad about lying, but it wasn't like it was Zuko's business who she hung out with or which boys she dated. It was just easier to pretend she'd been talking with an acquaintance from her math class, especially considering Zuko and Jet had already gotten off on the wrong foot.

Besides, she assured herself, it wasn't like she was going to get back together with Jet. She was done with him. She'd decided that months ago. Even if she ended up going to the concert with him, that didn't mean anything. They would just be going as friends. (Denial makes Katara's poor behavior seem justified. Your readers will accept it more easily this way.)

Zuko smiled and nodded in the direction of the school. "Well, anyway, shall we?"

Katara nodded and they left for school.

Fantastic work! That may have been your best chapter yet. You've advanced the plot and set the stage for a dramatic love triangle. Everything is going swimmingly and your readers are begging you for more. You feel like a celebrity and you should. In fact, you're so popular now that you don't feel bad about acting just an eency bit more entitled in your ransom note.

OMG! You guys are SO rad. I can't believe I already have 99 reviews on this story after just three chapters. But I'm a little disappointed that I didn't reach that 100-review milestone. SO CLOSE. I understand you're all busy people but PLEASE take some time to review. It's not that hard. I've looked at my traffic stats and honestly there are so many more people reading than the reviews I've gotten so I won't continue until I reach 150 reviews. Thanx! :) :) :) ;) ;D ;P

Stellar. Now sit back, relax, and wait for the praise to come pouring in.

Real Authors Note:

Oh my god. I'm actually getting kind of attached to the plot. I wasn't going to continue this travesty. I told myself I was done. I even marked the story as complete. And yet, here I am after four years not only adding another chapter but actually having to stop and remind myself that I'm trying to write a parody and not a legitimate story. I'm weeping.

A super special thanks to all the people who have stuck with me through the years. You're made of stardust and donuts. See you again next time! (Possibly)