Summary: After losing his Ponds the Doctor is left alone torturing himself as a punishment until he doesn't get hit by a ball into the head. As always the smallest of the events are the greatest ones. Domestic AU, Clara and Doctor

Disclaimer: I don't own Doctor Who just this story

A.N: I am dedicating this to my granny who recently passed away

One Heart

By Olexandra

I supposed that when there is an incident and someone…

…people often come into this state of denial were they don't believe that the person is actually…

…They often argue that it must be a mistake and that the someone who…

…is actual okay somewhere completely else.

Even when people are with that someone as he or she is…

…they have a tendency to believe that it didn't happen. Call it shock or some breakdown but they still have this hope in them that the person is alright. That he will walk out from somewhere do something so typical for him and you can continue living your life like you did till that moment. Because nothing bad happened. Nothing's wrong.

But that state can't last forever. Not when you are a higher level specie at least. Because when you are you just can't be in denial, you can't ignore, lie. You have to accept it because you are something more. You have to do something more. You have a job a job that needs to be done by no one than you.

Because you are the Doctor.

'Raggedy man…goodbye.'

He opened his eyes finding himself on an old bed in an unfamiliar room. Despite that he didn't see the outside world behind the windows his delicate nose was immediately hit with the poisoned air that was so characteristic for the industrial revolution.

He couldn't tell how long was it he just left New York and ran toward some destination that was in need, careless toward the pain that was screaming from his inside, careless toward everything. He just went to catch himself again in the heat of his job so he wouldn't have to think about… them.

'Look who decided to return to the land of the living,' said the lizard woman in black dress as she walking inside closing the door behind her.

He sat up not paying much attention to the woman before he got up and walked to the window looking outside, some kids were playing on the street.

'Do you recall anything that happened?' she asked. He sensed the motherly undertone in her words. She was going to lecture him for sure. She was that type.

'Sure.'

He saved another planet that almost caused its own destruction by their pride and carelessness toward the nature. So sadly typical. He must have gotten hurt because he felt a sharp pain in his stomach and fainted. Oh, right, he didn't know how he ended up here. That must be what she is interested in.

'TARDIS?' he asked already knowing the answer his eyes on the laughing and running around kids.

'Yes, your ship must have brought you here so we could take care of you since you were unconsciousness lying in the console room with very low life functions.'

He frowned, anger boiling in him, his finger pressing into his palms so hard it almost hurt.

'Well pardon me for once in a while needing to be taken care of apparently my only job is to take care about others not vice versa.'

The lizard woman frowned as well, 'Don't be a child using my words like that. You know what I meant. We are worried about you. I understand that losing-'

'Don't say their names Vastra.'

She walked to him, 'But what if that is what you need, Doctor? To finally accept the fact that they are-'

'I know that they are,' he cut in all the anger gone replaced only with sorrow. 'No one knows it better than me.'

'And yet you stubbornly reject any sort of mention of them or avoid the words like dead, gone, lost when it comes to them. This isn't right, Doctor.'

He turned to her. She could see it all over him. The man once a great warrior a leader a savior was now nothing more than an old man with ache hearts and a broken soul. His eyes were tired beyond exhaustion that no one could experience and still be alive. Everything about his face expression called sadness but Vastra knew that it wasn't even half of the real sadness that was inside him.

'What isn't right is that a man who can save millions of civilizations with a screwdriver can't save two humans.'

'Doctor.'

'Oh, yes the Doctor. The Doctor, the name that makes even the mightiest monsters in the Universe shiver in fear. The name that belongs to the deadliest of the monsters that ruins every life it comes too close to.'

She abruptly careless toward the force she used took his shoulder and shook him, 'You need to stop this. This… state or phase that you are going through must end.'

He walked away from her anger returning to his face, 'Yes, because the Doctor doesn't have time to mourn for his dearest friends. He needs to run,' he brushed his face, 'Always run because that is what the Doctor does…That is the only thing he should ever do just run and never stop because once the Doctor dares to stop he will just make…someone suffer.'

Vastra watched him for a moment before she pressed herself against the window frame, 'Then maybe you should stop-'

'Agh! Vastra weren't you listening to what I just said-'

'Stop being the Doctor,' she said calmly. So calmly that for a moment he wasn't sure if she actually said those words. Sure that his mind wasn't starting to play tricks on him.

He blinked.

'You seem to be growing quite a beard there,' she pointed out which caused him to subconsciously reach his face and his fingers to start brushing the growing hairs.

'It appears so.'

'Perhaps a vacation is in place-'

He scoffed, bitterly.

'To help you solve out things. A work that isn't enjoyed cannot be done properly. And right now I would say that no one is less enjoying something than you being the Doctor right now. And the Universe despite how much it took from you doesn't deserve a Doctor like you.'

He made a grimace. She could see that he was biting back a comment about that matter. A not very nice one.

He started walking around a bit as he saw that she was standing behind her words as always and wasn't going to take them back. He was sad and furious and scared and numb and everything running around inside him like a tornado making him mad. Really mad.

'W-where? Where would I go?'

'Anywhere, stay here if you please or to the Moon but take a break because you can't go on like this. This is simple punishment for something you don't deserve.'

He shook his head feeling tears forming inside ready to burst out, 'How can you say that when it is my entire fault. If it wasn't for me they would…I wouldn't…,' he started sobbing falling to his knees.

Vastra quickly rushed toward him hugging him like a mother would a crying child at night when it was scared of the monster underneath the bed.

'I want to go to London 2014.'

There were several protests from each Vastra, Jenny and Strax but eventually all of his friends had to step back and let him do it. He wasn't sure what was he hoping to find there. Certainly not them.

But he felt…no it was nonsense he didn't feel anything.

Right after they found a flat for his 'vacation' all of them went for supplies. It was almost hysterical how Vastra and Strax were all in black like a gothic family coming from a funeral or a very weird concert but he didn't laugh.

'What the bloody hell?' aggravated Jenny once they were in the shop over the prize of the coffee.

'What is this? Does it taste like heaven or something?' she asked him as he was absently standing next to her.

'I doubt it even has a bean of coffee in it,' he said pulling out a few rolled together paper-money. He wasn't even sure how much until he didn't see Jenny's eyes widened in disbelief. Obviously, very much. He didn't even know. He just used his sonic on one of the cash machines on their way to have a look at the flat.

He was a vandal, rebel, he committed massive murders and surely a few burglaries and robberies so what was adding another one to the list?

'I do not see the point in buying coffee, Madam. The Sir doesn't even drink coffee. Or do you, Sir?'

He just passed through them to the cash register and put there several items he didn't even notice he was holding.

This was his new state as he briefly heard Jenny say. Numb. Although, the anger and self-blame were bad enough there was something really creepy about being numb.

He looked down at the things the young looking girl was counting.

'Do you have any Jammy Dodgers?' he asked blinking.

'Pardon?'

'Nothing,' he mumbled barely louder than a whisper and ran outside where he sat down on the street waiting for the others to join him.

As the door opened a few moments later he heard Strax shouting at the girl behind the cash register, 'Don't you know it's rude to stare, boy?!'

'Shall we go?' asked Vastra raising her hand. After a moment he took the hand and together he and all of his remaining friends walked to his new temporary place of staying.

'The TARDIS is set up to bring you back home and then return to wait if I will need her here later, hidden from the others,' he said as he watched Jenny and Strax filling up his refrigerator doubting he will even touch half of the food they were putting there.

'We spoke to your landlady, quite a nice older woman. She will be coming here for the payment every month. The first is paid. You don't have any neighbors, right now but that can change,' he silently listened to Jenny's explanations looking around the small flat. It was on the first floor with only one flat downstairs that belonged to his landlady and one opposite to his, empty. He waited with Strax in the TARDIS while the girls went to deal with getting the flat. It was a nice flat a small, comfy flat. They managed to bring some furniture before he came in and brought some clothes too. Not that he was planning to get out often.

'Will you be okay?' asked Jenny as she finished with her instructions and it was time to leave.

He managed a nod to which she quickly reacted with a hug. He held her a bit longer trying not to feel like he was losing another friend and gave farewells to the others as well.

Strax saying something about explosions being effective ways of getting rid of a few politics for their high prizes in the shops and Vastra with confident words of a mother assuring a child that it is going to be alright in the end.

'And what then? Return as the Doctor?'

She made a grimace, 'That's up to you, John Smith.'

Possibly right after they left he fell on the double size bed and woke up several days later. It startled him at first since he really had no idea where he was or what time it was. And just for about ninety-nine or so second he even forget about them and looked around desperate to find out or remember if they shouldn't be with him.

Then there were months when he didn't know what to do with his free time. Usually he just wanted to sleep or just be in bed and blankly watch the ceiling or the telly mainly it was like watching the ceiling though.

On the fifth month he went outside partly because he was out of money and partly because he decided to read some. Since he hadn't had much of that lately.

He even started going out to this nice looking library but once he spotted that one of the librarian's, a lovely looking girl with big blue eyes, was stealing glances at him and smiling toward him he never came there again and often change them picking the next one as randomly as he could.

It was seven months since he came when he heard a suspicious noise moving up the stairs and through the hall.

As quickly and quietly as possible he went to look through the eyelet to see what was going. He saw a few men carrying boxes to the opposite flat that was empty for so long. Someone was moving in. He waited a little while but only saw the men and his landlady coming in and out with boxes, bags and furniture.

The thought of who might be his new neighbor had filled his mind for the day but no one came. He wondered if it was going to be some family but since the flat was like his with one bedroom, living room, bathroom and a kitchen he doubted that. Maybe one person. He noticed the furniture looked a bit old, in a way used. Possibly an older person. He supposed it could be someone who didn't have anyone just like him. A pensioner who was living alone had no relatives and wasn't old enough or didn't want to go to some old person's home. Or possibly he got it all wrong.

At night he usually didn't dream. He suppressed every dream that was beginning to form in his head and so he had a dreamless sleep for the last few months. So his sleep wasn't as healthy or nice but it was a sleep and he never seems to have enough of it. He protected himself this way from the nightmares he feared that would come hunt him which was why he was so tired and at the same time couldn't sleep or even more tired once he woke up. He supposed that if Vastra was worried about him then because of his features she would be terrified now.

It was something like early morning when he heard the strange noise and since he wasn't fully sleeping he opened his eyes. The noise appearing again.

It took him a moment to realize that it was coming from behind the wall which he had suspected that was dividing his bedroom with some other room from the opposite flat.

He heard it again. As innocent as purity itself. Something that could delight every room yet bring thousands of dreadful memories. Still, doubtlessly the most beautiful sound in the whole…existence. A laugh of a child.

He sat up and pressed himself against the wall trying to listing to the noises hoping to hear the magnificent sound again wondering why would there be a child in the opposite room. The flat was too small for a family plus the used furniture.

But it was a laugh so whatever the reason was the child couldn't be harmed or anything bad happening to him or her.

Eventually the sleep came over him again and when he woke up again the sun was up high. He waited a bit wondering if he will hear any noises from behind the wall but everything was quiet like the day before someone moved in.

He decided to go out see if someone wouldn't come out greeting him. It was simple curiosity which always had a special part in his behavior. He couldn't stay away even from the smallest of the mysteries especially if those were the only owns he would allow himself as a part of his penance.

As he opened the door he was surprise to find a small plate with cookies behind them.

Surely, they couldn't be from his landlady. He doubt the woman even owned a kitchen of her own and even if he would be wrong and she could cook there was no point in sending him something now after all those months that they managed to minimalize their meetings to briefs payments every month.

So it must have been his new neighbors. Well, he already knew that there was a child which meant that it wasn't living alone but with a parent supposedly a mother.

He brought the plate inside and put it on the table. Despite the enormousness amount of food his fridge was keeping for him he didn't eat much which must have been seen on him because he even felt it a bit. He must have lost a lot of weight too.

Slowly, his finger acting very delicately with removing the clingfilm that was covering it, he then took the small brown goodies and ate them.

During his life he had eaten many different cookies, the best in America, the best in the world, the best in the Universe and the cookies of his new neighbor's weren't as good as neither of those.

Nevertheless, in that moment they felt amazing and he wouldn't enjoy even those best than he did enjoy these from his mysterious neighbor's right now.

After that he went out. He was planning to fill up his group of unread books since it was getting thinner and he didn't want to be left without anything to read if the state of not leaving the flat would come back.

His states were moody too. Once he could go outside other times he prefer to stay all locked up, hidden in the flat. Possibly depressions but he wasn't sure since he couldn't recall any TimeLord before to have a depression. Then again no TimeLord went through anything like him.

As he was out he noticed a few kids playing outside wondering if his new little neighbor wasn't one of them he walked to them. He watched them for a while until he noticed one of the mothers whispering something to the other one looking worried.

He realized once again that he forgot about the social matters of human and that it must have been very odd for a man who may have look terribly, he couldn't remember the last time he saw a mirror, to be watching a bunch of stranger kids like this.

Feeling as he was doing something bad he quickly tried to leave when he felt something hit him.

It wasn't too hard or anything. Yet, for a brief moment he lost balance and ended up on the ground a bit disoriented.

'Oh my stars, are you okay?' he heard a female voice coming from his side but his eyes stayed focused on the small red ball that must have hit him into the head.

'Sir?' asked the voice again clearly troubled by his lack of respond or trying to get out of the ground.

He looked at her.

A.N: Thoughts?