He's a 17 Guy... in Space!

Space year 0017.17171717...18, 17.

Captain's log 00...16,

I am the brave, charismatic Alien hunter, Captain 17! Aboard my impressive ship, the Android Aloha, my brave space crew and I have been in desperate search for quite some time now... combing deep space for the illusive alien, known only as the 'Saiyan'... and in some odd circles, as the 'Saiya-jin'... for money... working tirelessly-

"I think what you mean to say is we've been dickin' around uselessly for the last seven months while we were supposed to be working.."

Alas, nothing has come from our... read: my... tireless work, mostly thanks to our idiot navigator, Android 15, who is an outdated robot from a non canon movie...

"For the last time, I am not a robot!"

But now, thanks to my due diligence, we've finally got a lead on our enigmatic subject! According to a rumor I cleverly dug up... we can find the 'Saiyan'...

... on planet Plant!

"... Sometimes I really worry you actually believe this crap yourself." 15 sighed, as he desperately attempted to massage away the frustration migraine building in his temples.

Android 15, briefly, for the sake of his own sanity, recalled the events that actually led to this point...

- Last week,

"Yo 18, I can't find any aliens to turn in," 17 whined.

18, adjusting her glasses from behind her desk at the Alien Registration Center, glared at her brother angrily.

"... Like I told you... seven god damn months ago..." she said, gritting her teeth, "A Saiyan was spotted on Planet Plant... maybe you should get off your ass and check it out? You know, work for once in your life?"

17 thumbed his nose, dumbly.

"That's kinda far... could you spot me some gas money... baby?"

One black eye and swift kick to the ass later... and they were finally on their way... god help them all...

"15... you wouldn't be doing any extra, unnecessary narration for this mission... would you?" 17 asked.

"That would go against my programming sir... beep... boop...?..."

"Indeed indeed..." 17 grinned lazing back and breaking out his comb, "I suppose so. Sorry I doubted you."

15 frowned... that was kinda easy... 17 was a strange kind of idiot. He made absolutely baffling, idiotic mistakes... but his instincts were usually keen to an extent... he wondered if 17 was losing his touch, as he watched him continuously... and uselessly... attempt to comb his hair into a pompadour style...

Say... instead of his touch... might he have lost his mind instead?

"By the way 15..." 17 smiled, "Why don't you drink your coffee? It's getting cold."

15 blinked in response... what coffee?

He looked, and sure enough, a large mug of coffee was occupying the cup holder of his seat.

"Drink up, why don't you?"

"... I don't like coffee."

"What are you talking about? It's premium stuff, full of caffiene to help keep an alien hunter alert and ready. Only a robot would turn down a cup of coffee... you're not a robot... are you?"

"Why are you getting on my case?" 15 growled, "I just don't like coffee, alright! ?"

"Alright," 17 shrugged, "I wouldn't like coffee either... if I was a robot."

"You are a robot!"

"I am a cyborg. That's a human with benefits."

"More like an idiot with an operating system."

"Dwarf!"

"Refuge from an Asian boy band!"

"… Damn that's pretty good..." 17 blinked.

"Hey, uh, sorry to interrupt your... discussion... but why did you guy's drag me along for this again?"

The third got two dirty looks for his trouble.

"Shut up Meow."

"It's Krillin... and can I take off this stupid cat suit yet?"

"Meow, I'll buy you some fish sticks later if you just be quiet right now, okay?"

"I feel like I'm missing the joke here guys... can I just go home?"

"Shutup Meow!"

"... Kuh-ril-lin... it's Krillin."

Meow blathered on in an annoying manner, so we decided to ignore him.

Anyways... we were coming upon the alien's hideout, the despicable planet Plant! A disgusting planet, filled with lots of green... stuff. And water. Also, some mountains. From here, it was hard/ easy to imagine a creature as downright insane as the rumored were-monkey [otherwise known as a Saiyan, otherwise known as a monkey man] could inhabit it. It was the perfect/last place to ever find one... that was for sure/peanuts.

"I realize 15 is the robot here... but did you short circuit or something 17?"

"You're calling me a robot now too, Meow?" 15 cried, rising in his chair, "I thought short guy were supposed to stick together!"

"I-I... I'm sorry?" Krillin shrugged, "But... you're calling me 'Meow' anyways!"

"Enough!" 17 cried, leaping from his captain's chair, "Stop your bickering, it's time to explore the planet!"

"Sure... guess I'll just wait here and watch the ship then, since you guys are the super powered androids. You guys just give me a holler when you want me to beam you back up, Star Trek style... yep, just gonna wait here... since, you know, I have a wife and kid... so I can't really just throw myself into danger all willy-nilly like... after all, wouldn't want to make your sister a widow right, 17? Have your neice grow up without a da … Where are you dragging me?"

"Shutup Meow... be a loyal dog and follow your master.

"I'm in a god damn cat suit! At least stay consistent with your own stupid joke!"

Ignoring his protests, I gave 15 a thumbs up as I dragged Bark... I mean Krillin... Kuririn? Dude into the teleporter and the two of us were promptly phased down to the planet... Catman screaming the entire way...

And he still continued, even as we touched down on the planet.

"17, you son of a bitch," Krillin cried, "How the hell did you even talk me into coming on this trip! And for that matter, why are we hunting a Saiyan in the first place, couldn't we just ask Goku... WAIT A MINUTE-"

17 promptly clasped a hand over his compatriot's mouth.

"Shut up, Moo, and quit breaking the fourth wall!" 17 growled with murderous intent, "We're alien hunters, remember?"

"No we're not! We're earthlings, who live on earth... what are we doing out here! ?"

"Burying the family pet, if he doesn't shut up and play along! This is a crossover, damn it!"

Krillin stared on... slowly picking up the hint...

"... But what good does that do me, if we just die here fighting some alien!"

"Don't worry," 17 said reassuringly, finally lifting his hand from the man's... ?... mouth, "If we hit any kind of trouble, 15 will just beam us up, and everything will be hunky dory, alright?"

Krillin thought long and hard about that... and had to admit 17 was probably right. They were both skilled enough that even the worst threat should still give them enough time to retreat... 15 had beamed them out fast enough after all... so it seemed they weren't using the 'slow teleporter' schtick at least... so as long as 15 was reliable...

"Take me back to Earth, ship." 15 said, as kicked up his feet, reclining in the captain's chair.

"-Scans show crew mates still disembarked on Planet Plant-"

"Leave 'em!" he yelled back, lifting a mug of coffee to his lips.

He'd show them for mocking him. Calling him robot, indeed! Treating him like a slave? Well who was the at the mercy of the user nowwwwwwwwwooooooooo-isdhaskfkflkadfjiiijcnodhiefh...0100001101101111011001100110011001100101011001010010000001000010010000010100010000100001...-

… then... they should be alright, Krillin figured...

"Alright then. First thing we got to do, is call as much attention to ourselves as possible. Let the Saiyans know we're here, and that we mean business!" 17 declared, as he began to put together a huge pile of wood and debris.

"Aren't Saiyans supposed to be supremely territorial, aggressive, and dangerous?" Krillin tried.

"Oh, come on, how dangerous can a bunch of dumb monkey people be?" 17 laughed derisively, building his massive pyre.

"... about as dangerous as following the lead of your wife's idiot brother..."

"What?"

"What?" Krillin asked, blank faced.

The two stared each other down for a long moment... before 17 shrugged and went back to work.

"... Hey 17... why don't I just scout ahead... okay?" Krillin asked, trying to hide his sly demeanor.

"... For what?" 17 asked absently, as he continued piling the burnable wood to a ridiculous height.

"For... space things... besides, you don't want me here to screw up your great plan, right?"

"I guess not... good luck-?"

No one was there...

17 had to pause, as he noticed his associate hadn't even waited for his response to leave, and was already long gone. He stared around for a bit, and then just shrugged it off.

"Oh well, time to attract some Saiyans!" 17 said greedily, as he jumped down and flung a fiery blast into stack. As he did, the sound of whooping and hollering went up immediately, telling him those millions and millions of woolongs in reward money were as good as in his pocket! As the large stomping noises from giant beasts echoed towards him from all directions, 17 could practically feel the enormous weight of the gold bound for his bank account... all over his body! Practically feel it...

…

Many hours later;

Darkness had fallen on planet Plant. Cold and alone, Krillin, even stuffed inside his usually suffocatingly warm dog suit... I mean cat suit... Bark, I mean Krillin was freezing his tail off...

Not literally though. The suit's tail was actually in fine condition, as Krillin had taken care of it diligently so as not to have to pay the exorbitant damage fee that came attached when he rented the thing, which, he was reminded, he was rushed into some unfavorable terms for it thanks to 17 rushing him, not letting him shop around for better deals...

Krillin suddenly looked up at the sky then with a look that absolutely screamed, 'WTF?'.

Possibly, the cold, cold, fear of funding mismanagement was playing with his mind. And who could blame him? You had to know that kind of crap was going to play hell on your credit... one misstep, and there went your kid's college. Or maybe that home you always wanted- the beautiful beach side mansion you and 18 always wanted? Oops, now it's a trailer in the woods!

"Narrator," Krillin sighed, "What the hell are you even talking about? We found this suit in a dumpster at Boobies! Remember?"

…

"Narrator?"

… But that was beside the point.. the point was... it was cold... much colder than you'd expect from nightfall on such a tropical planet for that matter. In fact, Krillin was starting to feel drawn... drawn to the booming fire of 17's supposed 'Saiyan Trap' he could still see in the distance... which had somehow managed to survive. The noises of angry giant monkeys had died off hours ago... Krillin had to assume 17 had been murdered, possibly cooked, and eaten ages ago by now, judging from when the noise had died off...

Surely, it wouldn't be insane to think the fire wasn't vacant by now right? … At least, who would care, even amongst the Saiyans, if a man in an animal suit popped over for just a second to warm his buns... right?

Krillin frowned... he didn't have much option... since that damnable 15 wouldn't answer his calls for a pick up... he really had no other choice but to sneak over and warm himself by the fire... well, other than freezing to death, anyway. And that was enough to make up his mind... after another couple hours of pondering, anyway...

Eventually... he did make it over though...

It was hell of a surprise waiting for him. Krillin expected to find tons of giant footprints, maybe some blood... a horrified 17 head stuck on a pike maybe[hopefully]. Instead... Krillin found a bunch of the enormous beasts doing exactly what he himself had hoped to... lazing in deep sleep around the fire.

It initially horrified him... but he soon found their deep snoring kind of reassuring... surely these beasts were sleeping too soundly to bother with him. Full up on 17 burgers, 17 steaks, 17 shishkabob, hell, 17 barbeque too, they probably couldn't even move! He'd never known a Saiyan to waste such a beautiful fire after all. And if 17 was half as snore inducing as food, as he was as a captain... Krillin had to assume these beasts would be quite out of it, for the better part of a decade at least.

Krillin laughed to himself... as he realized how much he let his brother inlaw get to him over the last few months... he was really ecstatic he was finally rid of him!... Not so much he let himself make any noise... lest he be torn to bits in the same fashion 17 probably was... but enough that he only felt mild happiness... instead of crippling terror... as he tiptoed between the enormous sleeping forms of the mighty Oozaru.

Slowly but surely, he finally made his way near enough to the fire to warm his weary bones. And it was a change comparable to night and day. The heat melted away all his pains and aches... but also, brought back his sanity and forethought... and he realized how dangerous a situation he was in. 17 was a dumbass... but he was a tough dumbass. If these Saiyans had ripped him apart so easily, he would be like scraps of paper to them. If 15 hadn't just lost them in the confusion... and really had abandoned them... then certainly Krillin's life expectancy would be not much longer than his captain's.

Krillin frowned, he should have known this would happen. The info on the Saiyans was dropped months ago... how the hell in all that time hadn't even one been registered? The entire Alien hunter organization would have had to have been asleep at the wheel to drop the ball this hard... unless, of course, Saiyans were just murdering anyone who even tried to come here!

…. How could his dear wife send him on such a suicide mission though... it didn't make sense... unless, 17 had lied about taking him along... but that brought so many other questions... like why the hell was 18 working at an 'Alien Registration Center'... and why the hell had he agreed to help 17 hunt aliens... and why the hell was 17 hunting aliens... and why the hell did he have his own Hawaiian themed space ship! ?

This didn't make any sense... things were happening that clearly had no reason to happen to them... it was as if they were caught in a time warp-no! … More like an alternate dimension...! It was as if... two different realities were crossing ove-

"Stop breaking the god damn fourth wall, you stupid... Otter?..."

In a frozen shocked stupor... Krillin slowly rose his head to see the idiot that would dare make a sound above a whisper in this situation... Of course it was 17, who else could possibly have this level of audacity without the substance to back it up?

… If he wasn't so outraged... he might wonder how 17 had reacted to things that he was only thinking about... but that was beside the point!

Krillin stared helplessly as the many Oozaru began to stir from the disturbance... Krillin could literally sense his end creeping up upon him... and yet, 17...

"Shut up you dumb monkeys, we're trying to have a conversation here!" the moron said, actually punching one of the apes in the side.

Krillin about coughed up every organ in his body in shock and horror, as the giant ape suddenly sat up with a start.

"Sorry about that," it said, as it rolled over and went back to sleep.

…

Krillin, in some combination of relief and complete flabbergast, collapsed into himself and began gurgling on his own spittle...

"... Boy, to quote my redneck uncle, you ain't right."

17 shook his head dismissively at the display... in obvious ignorance to the purpose of such a reaction in the first place... it made Krillin angry enough to nearly completely lose it.

"What the hell is the matter with you!" Krillin screamed the lowest volume scream ever uttered by a man, a cry born out of some mix of terror of the Saiyans and rage at 17, "Don't you realize they could kill us at any moment! ?"

"What? No, the Saiyans are super chill man. Wouldn't hurt a fly." 17 grinned.

At that, one of the sleeping giants suddenly lazily reached out, roughly grabbed up some alien creature from the surrounding woods, and munched it to death as it screamed to it's last breath.

"Super, super chill." 17 nodded reassuringly.

Krillin seethed in impotent terror.

"Actually, if anything, they're a little too friendly, if you get my drift." 17 sighed, "Ever since these dudes went to sleep, their women have been bugging me non stop... it's making it really hard to capture any of them."

Krillin blinked in confusion at the ridiculousness of that statement... and then, what could only be described as a female 'Vegeta' suddenly appeared before him.

"Oh, look at the cute rabbit!" she said, in a deep brown voice.

"BTW," 17 suddenly whispered in his ear, "Saiyan women are a ... a handsome lot... you might say!"

As if on cue, what might be described as a 'female Goku', a 'female Gohan', and a 'female Trunks' suddenly appeared from out of no where.

"Wow! Two such cute alien boys visiting our planet on the same night! How exciting! And this one likes to play dress up too, how daring!"

… Krillin shuddered, as the 'Vegeta' girl patted his head then, and quickly retreated to hide behind 17...

"What the hell is going on!" he whispered... "And... why aren't they transformed like the others?"

"I'd like to believe they are transformed right now," 17 whispered back, "That's a lot of body hair, after all."

"Oh come on, quit being shy boys! It's warm over here by the fire... Keep us company!"

"I-I-I'm warning you, I'm a married man!" Krillin whimpered, still hiding behind 17.

"What happens on Planet Plant... stays on Planet Plant!"

"Oh god!" Krillin seethed in horror.

They needed to escape right now... in some ways, they were in even more danger than they had been before! If only they could think of a plan!

And that's when Krillin realized it. 17! He was always wriggling his way out of... hairy… situations! He must have something up his sleeve, to survive all these close calls right?
"Psst, Krillin!" 17 whispered.

"Got a plan, captain! ?" Krillin whispered back hopefully.

"Yeah, I think I like the gray haired one... which one you want?"

Krillin suddenly grabbed him by the collar and dragged him down to eye level.

"Are you f#c%ing kidding me right now?"

They stared each other down for a moment... before the arrival of yet another lovely interrupted them.

"Hey ya'll," a... 'Nappa girl'... suddenly yelled out, passing out mixed drinks, "Are we here to party or what?"

"Oh hell yeah!" 17 said... out of the side of his face, as he threw Krillin forward.

"Oh god, oh god," Krillin cried.

….?

But just before he could feel the embrace of She-Nappa, Krillin was instead greeted with a blazing purple aura that snatched him out of time and space. He was broken down on the atomic level, discombobulated, filtered... shaken, but not stirred... and finally, rearranged. Back where this whole mess started.

"Oh what the hell, Krillin was 5 seconds away from capturing a Saiyan for registration you moron, We were about to be rich! Why'd you bring us back for?" 17 roared, beside Krillin in the teleporter, "15, you've got some explaining to do!"

The captain's chair suddenly swiveled around to face them, revealing android 15... shooting sparks out of his mouth and with his head engulfed in flame...

"15!" 17 growled in horror, "You've.."

15 preceded to bellow a sharp metal screech that immediately caused Krillin's ears to bleed.

"He's malfunctioning!" Krillin yelled, "We have to help him-"

"15! You've become... a super android!" 17 pouted, "... I'm so jealous, you lucky bastard!"

"... 17." Krillin began to seeth.

"15." he continued, humbled, "... Please train me to do it too! Master!"

Krillin grabbed his collar at that.

"... Why... Why do you insist on screwing around even when the shit is hitting the fan! ? !" Krillin screamed, "Please, I only wish to somehow understand at this point! Could you please enlighten me, you freaking idiot!"

17 blinked and stared back blankly.

"... You're asking rhetorically right?" 17 asked, and then sighed, "It should be obvious."

17 pushed him aside, and walked up to the large, space view window of the ship. Tightening his fist with remorse, he stared hatefully into the darkness...

The change in mood was enough to even take Krillin aback in that moment.

"I'm a super powered android, yeah? Well, that wasn't always the case... it wasn't too long ago, I was just a scared little boy, with no one and nothing, but my sick little sister... Living on the streets-"

"Oh, don't drag her into this-"

"We had to eat found food... just to sustain ourselves. And desperately search on a nightly basis... just for a warm place to lay our heads... even for one day at a time... that went on for long... hard while..."

Krillin frowned... scratching his head awkwardly...

"But one day, we saw a light at the end of the tunnel... when an old... strange... man offered us shelter... We thought... you could trust a doctor right? Doctors are supposed to help... Right?"

He stared back, horrified.

"But before we knew it... that madman stripped us of our everything... our dignity... our meekly possessions... our free wills... and finally, even our humanity... until there was nothing left, and we were left... just empty inside."

"I don't expect you to understand," 17 sighed, regretfully, "Frankly, sometimes I don't either. But... even to just make it day to day... I have to comfort myself with this fantasy... this fantasy that everything is somehow 'right'... that, that all had to be a nightmare, some horrible dream... that it can not be true! That this world could never be that horribly serious... you know?"

Krillin noticed... a drop of liquid hit the floor beside 17...

"So I'm sorry... if I sometimes I play off important things a bit... I'm sorry I don't take things more serious... it's just that... sometimes... when things get too real for me... those old nightmares... start to feel real too..."

Suddenly, he made eye contact with Krillin... and he noticed how red... and moist his captain's eyes were...

"I can't let things be too real... I can't ever let 'that' be real... so, sometimes, I guess I'm a little flaky... but I'm sorry, alright? More sorry than you could ever know..."

"1...17... I..." Krillin frowned... "... I didn't..."

He had to stop to wipe his eyes, bitterly.

"... 18 plays it so cool... I never thought about how... horrible it must have been... what happened to you two..."

"Well, it was mostly my fault," 17 sighed, "I should have known that asshole would call the cops."

"..." Krillin furrowed his brow...

"We were just taking his tv... you'd think the old bastard could have given some cute teens like us a pass right? Nope, got sent up to juvenile court, he actually pressed charges! Our parents were already so pissed at us for running away. This put them over the moon! You never saw such an overreaction!"

17 laughed as Krillin began grinding his teeth into a fine paste.

"Courts ended up giving us community service, but then our parents made us actually work off the money for the stupid tv set on top of that! The one we didn't even get to take... though I guess we did break it in the confusion... we threw at the old guy when he caught us... what, he scared us! But can you believe that? With our allowances cut off, too, we were forced to work all the time and still go penniless the entire summer... worst summer ever... I will never forgive that lame asshole Dr. Slump and his idiot, tell tale daughter! And I'll never get those two months back."

Krillin began to shake with rage.

"Well, more like three weeks to be exact. We duped our probation officer into letting us skip with a little blackmail, but that's a whole 'nother story."

"I'm going to kill you!" Krillin screamed, leaping for his neck.

"Woah, man, what's your problem?" 17 yelled, wrestling the little guy from off his back.

Another loud, metallic screech suddenly grabbed their attentions and stopped their squabble, as they both suddenly remembered their currently set aflame companion... and the hula doll he was palming...

"Forgive me, but I gotta ask... is it just me..." 17 pondered, breaking out his comb again, "Or does that doll look familiar in a very ominous sort of way?"

15 raised his hand over it's head.

"No, don't do it, NO NOOOO!" Krillin screamed leaping towards the other android... right as the dysfunctional robot pressed the head of the doll in...

"Oh well, at least I die with perfect hair!" 17 said, grinning, as at some point he finally managed to get his hair to finally stick in the pompadour style.

The explosion that followed... could only be described as 'large, and in charge'... Fortunately, though, there were no survivors.

…

"Dang it," She-Nappa sighed, back on Planet Plant and staring up at the gigantic explosion in the night sky, "How come they all blow themselves up the second I take out the margaritas?"

"Some people just don't like alcohol, you know?" She-Goku shrugged.

"I suppose so," she sighed, "I need to learn to be more understanding."

"That's the right way to take it," She-Trunks grinned, "Just try harder next time!"

Krillin suddenly slammed into the ground in front of this group.

"... Owww..."

He slowly raised himself from the earth... and wondered how he could have possibly survived... when he noticed, his cat suit was in ruins... the big foam suit... it must have saved him somehow? How lucky was that?

"Well the cute lil guy is back at least," She-Vegeta smiled, "So why don't we just party now?"

"Hell yeah!" She-Gohan exclaimed.

Krillin seethed in horror... as they came for him, he was too beat up to resist...

"No, NO, NOOOO!"

...

Well, my friends, the time has come
To raise the roof and have some fun
Throw away the work to be done
Let the music play on
(play on, play on)

Everbody sing, everybody dance
Lose yourself in wild romance
We're going to party
Come on and sing along!

All night long! All night~!

All night Long! All night~!

All Night~

…

With a start, Krillin awoke in his bed with a horrified scream. Though, after a moment's pause, he suddenly caught himself... it was all... just a dream wasn't it?

He couldn't help but laugh a little at that realization. What a relief... it had felt so... real, after all. What a lucid dream... and what a horrifying nightmare...

He suddenly caught sight of 18, eying him with wide eyed wonder, and annoyance.

"Aha... sorry, did I wake you?"

"With the blood curdling scream, or the goofy laughter you mean?" she asked, "... You'd tell me if you were losing your mind... right?"

"A-ah- It's nothing like that," Krillin laughed, a bit ashamed of himself, "... I just had an... awful, awful dream... sorry for waking you."

18 glanced back softly... and decided to throw him a bone.

"It's alright... honestly, you woke me from a really weird dream too, so it's cool." she said, giving him a reassuring rub of the shoulder.

"Heh, no kidding?" he smiled, as he settled back down, "Well I can promise you mine was worse, believe me on that."

"I don't know about that," she sighed smiling, as she turning over to go back to sleep, "I dreamed you made it with a bunch of dudes."

Krillin eyes began to twitch in their sockets as foam began to rise in the back of his throat.

...

Elsewhere... someone else awoke...

Up, up and up, in the highest chamber of a ridiculously shaped building,

A man with a prime number for a name was gently roused awake,

Rubbing the sleep from his eyes, he grabbed at the water glass on his night stand.

He took a single slug, and then uttered a single phrase,

"See you later, Baby."

The End... ?