"I... I should have kissed her."

"Who?"

"Rei. I should have kissed Rei."

"Who's Rei?"

"Rei… Ayanami."

"That name doesn't ring any bells."

I was in therapy again. The fourth doctor in the last six years. I was on my back, staring at another unfamiliar ceiling. I was lying there telling my life's story to a woman whom I had never before met, who I expected to listen to me.

"Tell me more about this… Rei."

Rei… I hadn't thought of her much before this session. Misato? Sure. Asuka? More so than I cared. But Rei didn't seem to be on my mind much anymore.

"Rei was… she was…"

And suddenly, I didn't know how to begin to tell this person about Rei. Oh, I could tell her that she'd been a fellow Eva pilot, this woman definitely had the security clearance to hear about that. I often believed that these psychologists had been hired by S.E.E.L.E. to get me out of this rut, and back into the seat of the Eva, so that I could fight their wars for them.

"Rei… Ayanami." I said her name out loud, to myself mostly. "Rei Ayanami. She was a fellow pilot, but more than that. And less. A specter who, incapable of dreaming her own dreams, readily invaded mine. And I, unable to stop myself from dreaming, readily awaited her every visit."

"… sounds to me like you were in love with this girl."

Was… was I ever in love with Rei? I had never stopped to think about that possibility before now! I… I could have been in love.

"Rei wasn't your normal girl. She was… different."

"Different? How so?"

Great… I dug myself into another hole. The fact that Rei was created? That was beyond classification. That would put me in the loony bin for sure.

"Inside the empty shell of each Eva is a human soul. But the only vessel that can hold a soul is Rei! These things are empty husks. They have no souls, no right to live."

That night… that night that I learned what Rei really was… I didn't know what to do after that. I couldn't face her; I was too afraid. Knowing what she was, I wouldn't know how to face her, how to act around her.

"I… can't really say how she was different. It was beyond the scope of personality. It was deeper… to her very being she was different."

"Oh, c'mon, Shinji. You can tell me. I'm your doctor."

"Don't give me that… you're my doctor, sure. You're the fourth 'psych' I've had since the incident with Kaworu! You're the fourth to hear my story, and the fourth to ACT like you care, but you forget that I, still being young, can better perceive what's going on here. You're here because you're PAID to be here! You don't really care!"

I was no longer on my back. Rather, I was sitting up, putting on my shoes and looking for my jacket. I was getting ready to leave. I was tired of this bull… I was tired of relating everything that was my history, and getting nothing but rehearsed answers and expensive prescriptions in return.

"Shinji."

THAT caused me to stop. My other psychologists… the others that I had exploded at… they had gotten mad. They had stomped and swore, hastily scribbled out their prescriptions and all but shoved me out the door. But this woman was calm. Centered. Controlled.

"Shinji."

"What."

"You're right. I'm paid to be here. But I am interested in what you have to say. I am interested in getting to the bottom of the things going through your head."

"If you were interested, you wouldn't pretend like you didn't know what the hell I was talking about. You already know about Rei. The spark in your eye whenever I say her name gives it away."

"Okay, Shinji. You're right, I do know who Rei Ayanami is. What I don't know is how she was different from you. So lay back down and tell me everything I need to know, and maybe we can get to the bottom of this… and determine whether or not you really were in love with this girl."

Love… what did I know about love? The first time I ever really talked with Rei, she slapped me. I said one bad thing about my father and she slapped me as hard as she could across my face, saying I should have faith in the very man that never wanted to have anything to do with me until he 'found a use for me.' And I very nearly hated her for that, but as I got to know her…

"Rei… Ayanami." I said the name again, to familiarize myself.

"Rei Ayanami. Tell me about her."

Deep breath… in through the nose, out through the mouth.

"Rei Ayanami. I was 14 when I met her first… when the first angel since the Second Impact appeared and waged war on Tokyo-3. I… had been summoned to the Geo Front by Genji Ikari, my… my father. To this day I really, really don't know why I came here. I could have ignored the order and stayed with my old teacher. I really hated that man…

"I was standing in front of Evangelion Unit 01... The angel was waging war on the city… I was apparently taking too long to decide whether I would pilot Eva or not. My father… my father rendered me 'no good' and called for Rei. I heard him make the order for her to 'do it again,' which I assumed meant pilot the Eva.

"They rolled her out onto the platform in front of the Eva… she was injured. Some kind of accident less than a week prior to my arrival. I felt so much hatred for my father, and so much sympathy for this girl… and then the angel struck the Geo Front with its weapon, and the stretcher she was on tipped over in the resulting shaking.

"The Eva activated itself to protect me, but that wasn't on my mind… the first thing I did when the shaking stopped was run over to where this Rei was lying on the ground. I helped her up… and my hand… my hand was all… bloody. It was her blood. She was lying there, bleeding and injured, and HE wanted her to pilot it?

"I made up my mind to pilot the Eva right then and there… made up my mind because of her… because of Rei."

It had been years since I thought about that incident. The first time I had ever met the Eva. The first time I had ever met Misato. The first meeting with my father since I had run away. And the first time I ever laid eyes on the girl named… Rei.

"So, you piloted Eva to protect her."

"Yes."

"Did she ever thank you for that?"

"I never told her. I wasn't looking for thanks or recognition. In fact, by the time I had recovered enough to tell her… it never really came to my mind."

That was pretty much the truth… she stayed in the hospital recovering from her injury for a good couple more weeks before I was ever able to talk to her anyway.

"Did you two ever talk about anything privately?"

"Privately?"

"Yes. Were you ever alone together?"

That incident… giving Rei her upgraded ID card… I think I'll avoid that one.

"Well… I talked to her once while headed into a training session… I told her how much I hated and distrusted my father, and she slapped me. I don't think she liked me very much after that."

"And how did you feel about her after that incident?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know, or you don't want to tell me?"

"I don't know."

I don't know. I don't know, I don't know, I don't know! I should have left already!

"I think we'll end this session and continue tomorrow evening. Thank you, Shinji."

Thank you? Why…

"Why…"