Chpt. XLIII: Something Else

Richard Grayson leaped across the the gap between the two apartment buildings & rolled across the rooftop, breaking his fall against the concrete. He rolled up onto his feet & continued to run, keeping his momentum up. He ran across the rooftop, making another leap across. He grabbed onto a windowsill on the building across & began to swiftly climb his way up. He breathed deeply as he paced himself during his climb. He brought up his right foot, then his left hand, then his left foot, then his right hand. As soon as he could reach the edge of the rooftop, he hoisted himself up with one heavy heave, landing feet first on the edge of the building.

Richard sighed. It had been a really long time since he traversed the rooftops of Metropolis. Richard shook the thought from his head & surveyed the buildings around him. He knew the apartment was nearby…

Suddenly, Richard caught sight of an open balcony a block away from where he stood. Richard remembered he had a balcony. He was almost sure that it was his apartment.

Richard leaped & glided across the buildings, feeling himself move with instinctive precision. He made his way down the city blocks until he managed to get on top of the building he was looking for. He stood on the edge of the building & dropped down, latching onto the edge with his hands. He dropped down one story, then another, then another, until he landed smoothly on the balcony.

Richard stood up & examined the apartment through the glass balcony doors. The apartment looked the same. The living room was the same, small, cozy apartment with the dimly lit lights. The kitchen was the same, with groceries fresh from the supermarket laid out across the kitchen counter. Suddenly, Richard saw him, walking across the living room with a have eaten apple in one hand & a newspaper in the other. He was looking down, reading the newspaper while eating the apple. Richard knocked against the glass door, getting his attention.

Clark spun around, startled at the sight of a strange man standing outside of his apartment. Clark's big eyes stared back at Richard through the thick glasses, but a smile slowly washed over his face. Clark set the apple on the table nearby & walked over to the balcony & opened the door. "Dick," Clark said. "What a great surprise!"

Richard smiled. "Hey, Clark," he started. "It's nice to see you too."

The two embraced in a friendly, brotherly hug. "Yeah, of course!" Clark exclaimed. Clark pulled back to get a good look at Richard. "Wow, look at you! All grown up! I remember when you were still a scrawny little pipsqueak."

Richard scoffed. "Yeah, but I could still take you on."

Clark let out a soft laugh as he walked Richard to their table. "Maybe one day, kid." The two sat down across from one another. Clark picked up his apple, then took a juicy bite from it. He swallowed his bit, then continued. "It's been way too long, Dick. How are you?"

Richard shrugged. "I'm alright, I guess," he said shyly. He cleared his throat. "And...I'm sort of going by Richard now."

Clark stared at Richard. "Richard?" he asked. "Richard Grayson…" Clark sat there, attempting to roll the words off his tongue. He shook his head. "No, I like Dick Grayson better."

Richard shook his head. "I don't know," he said softly. "I think I'm growing out of that."

Clark eyed Richard carefully, almost studying him. Clark nodded softly. "Right," he said. "I guess I can understand that. Sure."

Richard nodded softly. He struggled to find the words to say what he had come there to say. The problem was, Richard honestly had no idea what he wanted to say. He just knew that he needed to talk to somebody. "Clark," he started. "Would you say that we're friends?"

Clark stared at Richard. "Um...well, sure. Why wouldn't we be?"

Richard shrugged. "I mean...when we first met, I wasn't exactly honest with you. I lied-"

"Water under the bridge," Clark said, waving Richard off. "I completely understand why you lied that night. I don't blame you one bit."

Richard nodded. He sighed. "That night feels like a whole lifetime ago, doesn't it?" Richard said. "Like...it was so long ago. Things were so different then. All I wanted to do that night was just go somewhere, far away. Away from everything, you know?"

Clark smiled softly. "Yeah. You had just escaped the Underground, went on the run for a bit after everything that went on down there."

Richard nodded. "I didn't even think to consider much else. I just wanted to run away. I...I dunno, I wanted to start a new life."

"Who could blame you?" Clark said. "Things were tough. You were afraid. You had the means to get away with it."

"Yeah," Richard said, his voice trailing off as he sat in thought. "I...I ended up going with Bruce, but...I was gonna leave him too. I still wanted to leave. But I wanted to find someone."

Clark nodded. "Cheyenne Freemont," he said softly. "I'm very sorry about what happened."

Richard gave Clark a faint smile. "It's fine. It's whatever." Richard began to think about Cheyenne. "It's like...she was the only thing that mattered to me at the time. Part of me just wanted to whisk her away & be happy with her. But...things changed, you know?"

Clark watched Richard with a heavy intensity. Richard felt unsure whether Clark was just very engaged in what Richard was saying, or if he was attempting to see him with his x-ray vision. Richard looked away from Clark's gaze, continuing. "Things always change. Suddenly, I was dropped with this heavy load of responsibility. I felt like I had to do something. Cheyenne was dead, & then I got kidnapped by Russians, fought demons & met aliens, & people just kept dying. I was trying to help everyone. I was trying to stop Nolan Drake, but a lot of people just kept dying."

Clark nodded. "You did what you could at the time. You DID save a lot of people." Richard began shaking his head, but Clark continued. "No, don't you do that. Don't you put yourself down. At a time of great fear & distress, you managed to find the courage within yourself & do what no one else was willing nor capable of doing. You saved so many people's lives, Dick."

Richard held back the tears. "No, man, no."

Clark shook his head. "Rachel Roth once told you that nobody can be super all of the time. It's true, nobody can be super all the time. Not even me. Especially not me. Look at me, kid. Extraterrestrial strength & super sight & the ability to fly, but, that doesn't make me perfect. There's not a day I don't think about the lives I let slip out of my fingertips. There's not a day I don't think about all of the wrongs I've done, & the times that it's made me question everything I believe about what we're doing." Clark sat forward, resting himself over his elbows. He sighed. "Superpowers doesn't make us superheroes. No. A hero is a person who finds the strength to persevere and endure, in spite of the overwhelming consequences. You may not believe you're strong, Dick, but you're stronger than you think. Trust me."

Richard shook his head. "No, Clark...I've let way too many people slip out of my hands. Like...it's not like you, who can't save one person from a burning building. No, it's not that. It's EVERYONE."

Clark raised an eyebrow. "What do you mean?"

Richard felt his eyes fill with water. He blinked hard once, feeling the tears drip from both eyes. He looked back up at Clark. "Haven't you ever wondered why Bruce & I haven't been up to the Watchtower in so long?"

Clark shook his head. "Bruce said that he was having big problems in Gotham that he needed to handle alone."

Richard scoffed. "Hah, wow, alone. Yeah, that sure sounds like Bruce, alright." Richard felt his fists clench tight. "That son of a bitch," he grumbled.

Clark leaned close towards Richard with a genuine look of concern over his face. "Dick...what the hell happened between you two?"

Richard looked up at Clark, feeling the tears continue to roll down. "The Joker. The Joker happened, & he ruined everything for Bruce & I."

Clark nodded. "Yeah, I've heard the news reports."

Richard shook his head. "They didn't say anything about how he shot the Batgirl, leaving her a paraplegic?"

Clark gasped. "What?"

Richard let out a frustrated groan. "I knew I shouldn't have let Barbara work with Bruce! She had this fucking fantasy about doing what Robin did for Gotham after Nolan, & that she should also help save the city. She was all, 'oh, Dad would NEVER let me join the force. He's too overprotective, Dick. Let me help you, Dick!' Well, Gordon had a fucking reason to want to protect her, am I right? First his wife, then his daughter? And the worst part is that I couldn't save her!"

"Dick," Clark whispered.

"Now she will hardly look me in the eye anymore. I can't live with myself, knowing she sees me like that. So, I thought I would take a break from all of it & work alongside the Titans."

Clark nodded. "Right. I remember, you asked for permission to organize your own special unit."

Richard scoffed. "It worked. For a bit. Things got out of hand, though. Fucking jealousies ensued, & none of us could fucking stand each other. Logan got the hots for Rachel, while Rachel was in love with Kori, & Kori was fascinated with my dumbass self. M'gann was, like, all over Conner, but the poor guy was too naive to realize a damn thing. Roy dipped, Victor dipped. Then...I don't know, it just felt like babysitting after a while."

Clark nodded softly. "They WERE just kids, you know."

Richard shook his head. "Right. But, you know, I figured that I could at least get them to band together for a bit as Robin. And it worked, for a while. I did good for them as Robin. But...by the time I got back to Gotham, I found out that someone else had taken on the mantel as the Boy Wonder."

"Wait, there were two of you?" Clark asked in confusion.

Richard shrugged. "Yeah, apparently! Bruce managed to recruit another poor kid to don the mask & cape!" Richard sighed. "The sad part is...I knew him."

Clark raised an eyebrow. "Knew him?"

Richard nodded. "Jason Todd. He was in the Underground with Nolan Drake. I met him the night we arrested him."

"Oh," Clark said. "Was he a good Robin?"

Richard shrugged. "I really don't know. Bruce never liked to talk to me about him. I would watch them train…& Jason was hard working. He always appreciated meeting me that night, saying I inspired him to find the Batman & train with him after I had left. I guess it was good...part of me thinks it was all just pushed too hard."

"Pushed?" Clark asked.

Richard shook his head. "Bruce seemed to have way too high of expectations for Jason. Jason had a short fuse. Sort of like me, but, way worse. I don't know...I think Jason hated me, sort of. Like...I think he hated Bruce pushing Jason to basically be me, replace me. It was weird, you know?"

Clark nodded. "Right, but, what makes you think that's how Jason felt?"

Richard shook his head. "The way he would look at me when he thought I wasn't paying attention. It was the look you'd give when you want to punch someone in the face, & don't."

Clark rolled his eyes. "I've been there."

Richard sighed. He felt his voice trembling again. "I think that envy & rage is what fucked things up. His desire to please Bruce so badly is what made him go after the Joker alone that night."

"The Joker?" Clark asked, a sudden raise in his voice.

RIchard nodded. "I guess...Jason thought that if he finally killed the Joker for Batman, then maybe he'd finally be truly accepted again."

Clark bit his lip & swallowed. "Wow...just pleasing daddy, huh?"

Richard nodded slowly. He shut his eyes tight, forcing himself not to let anymore tears fall from his face. "The Joker beat Jason to death that night," he said in a low voice. "The Joker killed Jason Todd."

Clark stayed silent. Richard continued. "At least, that's what Alfred told me. 'Oh, Master Grayson, don't blame Bruce. Don't blame Jason. It was the Joker. He did this to us!' Oh, bull-fucking-shit. The way the two clawed at each other's throats. The way Jason practically groveled & begged Bruce to give him the love & respect that he wanted from him caused Bruce to shun him. Bruce's emotional abuse is what drove Jason to be so reckless. He sent Jason to his death. It was Bruce's fault, & no one has the balls to fucking admit it."

Clark watched Richard. Richard sighed, feeling his anger continue to boil. "And you'd think that Jason's death would be a wake up call for the guy, right? Hell, you'd think that a bullet through the Commissioner's daughter fucking spine would wake Bruce up! But no. Bruce's sick obsession with the dynamic duo got him to track down the next worse person to train."

Clark leaned back. "Who?"

Richard took a deep breath & wiped his eyes. "Tim Drake. Nolan Drake's younger brother."

Clark's mouth dropped open. "What the hell?" he said softly. "Bruce...got his brother?"

Richard nodded. "Yeah, Nolan Drake's little goon to Drake's fucking flesh & blood. It was almost like he did it to punish me for leaving him. Like he WANTED these new Robins to get under my skin. Like it was supposed to be poetic." Richard looked down at his hands & twiddled his fingers together awkwardly. "I guess he was good. Tim was smart. He honestly didn't really seem too messed up. After what happened with Nolan, I thought that Tim would grow up to be damaged, but, I think his father did good for him after seeing Nolan. Tim was super smart. He pretty much managed to already figure out that Bruce was the Batman before he even confessed. It was a little funny."

Clark nodded, a soft smile rising over his face. "He was good, then?"

Richard nodded back. "Sure. I mean, for a bit. But Bruce wasn't the same, still. Not after Barbara got shot, & Jason died. Like I said, everything changed. Bruce started drinking. Like, really drinking. After Barbara, he would get drunk & yell at Jason a lot. He hit him a lot. Once Jason died, & Tim came around, he would do the same to him. I caught him, once. I saw him grab the staff that was by Jason's suit in the Cave, the one that he died holding, & I saw Bruce strike Tim with it."

"And you stepped in."

"You're damn right, I did. I ran up & kicked Bruce's ass. He was drunk, & I had the upperhand at first, but, after a while, I realized who it was that I was fighting. He started really getting on me. He really did. He ended up pinning me to the ground, & shoving a blade up my neck." Richard rubbed his neck where he could feel the soft scar where he was cut. "I had never been so afraid in my life. Like, there were times when I thought, "shit, this is it. I could die." It was always like that. Whenever I first ran away from the orphanage, when I fought Nolan in the Undergound, when I found Cheyenne & she threw me through a fucking wall, when that toxin got in my lungs at the Iceberg Lounge, & when the Batman chased me down from Wayne Manor all the way out into the city. Like, I was genuinely afraid for my life. But...when Bruce Wayne shoved that blade near me...I actually believed he was going to kill me."

Richard could see tears welling up in Clark's eyes. He wasn't asking the Man of Steel for pity. He just needed to let it out to somebody. "Alfred stopped Bruce," Richard finished. "I was pulled back by Tim, & the two of us left Wayne Manor that night. I checked back in, offering Tim to stay with me somewhere. He decided that it'd be best for him to wait on Bruce to calm down, so he could take care of him. To be honest, Clark, I regret not taking him with me, because as I'm sitting here, crying on your dining table, I can't help but wonder if Bruce has already killed Tim tonight or not."

"Dick," Clark said over Richard's sobbings. "Listen to me. Tim is a strong boy. I knew exactly what he was doing when he became the new Robin. He knew that there would be complications. He's strong. He'll be okay. So will you. You have to be. You never know how strong you really are until being strong is the only choice you have."

Richard took a deep breath, attempting to stop his heavy crying. "Things were different, you know? Like...when we worked together, everything was in sync. I knew his moves, he knew mine. We were like clockwork. It worked. Everything worked. We worked. And he wasn't always that dark. Like, at first, when I met him, he was just the playboy billionaire. Then I met the darker side of him. I met him as the Batman. I...I managed to get him to be both of them, you know? I'd like to think that I rubbed off some good stuff onto him, & maybe made him a little happy. But...I wasn't without fault either. I was dark too. I was broken, like him. And...I don't know. I think while we were helping each other be better, both as heroes & as humans, I think we also broke each other. I became...I don't know, something I don't like."

Clark stared at Richard, unsure of how to respond. Richard sighed, continuing to let his thoughts flow. "I don't want to end up like him. So cold & dark. He had this...way of doing things. I hadn't really noticed it at first. At first, he inspired me. He made me want to do what he did. He made me want to do something for our city, like he was doing. I always wanted - expected to grow up & become him. And the hero bit...I'm still all in. But that thing inside him, the thing that drives him to sacrifice everything for the sake of the mission, that's not for me. I don't want to be 'the' Batman anymore."

"What do you mean, 'sacrifice?'" Clark asked.

Richard shook his head. "He was willing to let a building blow up to save one person."

Clark furrowed his eyebrows. "What?"

"Yeah. The crime lord Two-Face had kidnapped some woman that Bruce knew, I guess. He had her on one end of the city, & an office building set to blow up with hostages. I offered to split with him, & go after the hostages, but he wouldn't let me. All of those people...just because he needed to save one woman."

Clark stayed quiet. Richard continued. "There was a moment where I was like that, actually...where the Batman in him rubbed off on me. With the Titans in Jump City, we were going after a guy. We called him Red X. He was torturing all of us, like he knew something that we didn't know. We tried to stop him...I tried to stop him. He wanted my name, my suit, my life…& in return, he would leave the Titans alone."

"You didn't!" Clark cried.

"I almost did. I went behind the group's back, thinking I'd give everything up & sacrifice it all, just for the mission. He would stop terrorizing us, just like we wanted. But Raven was onto me. She brought the team to take him down anyway. We lost him. From there, things went south with the team." Richard took a deep breath. "In the end, I was so sick of it. I never wanted to see that stupid Robin suit again."

Clark opened his mouth to speak, but Richard cut him off. "The frustration, the complications! The responsibilities to, like, everyone. Your friends, your family, your team, & your city? Your home? Doing everything right for them is just so damn hard. There are days where I think back to stuff that Jason told me. He always wondered why Bruce had such a shitshow for killing. It made sense, but, sometimes Jason had a point. I was like that too. I didn't believe in what we were doing for a while. I didn't have faith in our cause. As Robin, that changed, but...bad things happened to good people who didn't deserve it. And I think about it. It should be alright, you know? We SHOULD be helping make the city safer...right? Right?" Richard rubbed his face with his hands. "There is good & there is evil. There are those who commit crime, & those who stop them. These two sides are opposite. As different as day & night. And the line between them is clear. At least, it's supposed to be."

"Do you think you're a criminal?" Clark asked. "Because you're not. You have a duty to Gotham City, & you kn-"

"The only difference between us & them is the mask & cape," Richard said. "It's something I once told Bruce. I stopped thinking that way, but...now, I'm not so sure. I mean, I get that he's damaged. I guess I have that burden too. Because changing is always harder than staying the same. It takes courage to face yourself in the mirror & look beyond the reflection. To find the you that you should have been. The you who got derailed by cruel childhood events. Events that took your life's natural trajectory & twisted it. Changing into something unimaginable...or even incredible...giving you the courage to embrace your birthright, your destiny, & you finally realize...you're Batman."

Clark eyed Richard. "You're not talking about Bruce anymore, are you?"

Richard looked up at Clark. He sighed, not even attempting to deny it anymore. "That's what I mean. I'm seeing myself now & I've changed. I've become so many things in my life, & the place where I'm at right now is the scariest. I don't like change. I don't like becoming something I don't recognize. There's a part of me that wants to be the same person who will do what he can to protect those he loves, but, I can't keep them around while being Robin, you know? Working alongside Bruce...it changed me in the long run. I realized that I have to continue to let my emotions be cut off. Having no sense of humanity is good, because everyone around me keeps dying, you know?"

The two sat in a moment of silence. Richard spoke. "Long ago, we realized we can't possibly solve all the world's problems. And maybe we shouldn't even try. We understood that we needed to develop our hearts & minds & not just our fighting skills. With all the good that needs to be done, it's impossible to accept that nobody should ever do what we do 24/7. Trust me, I know. If you come to believe that you're a god & fail, where does that leave you?"

Clark shook his head. "Hopeless. It challenges everything you believe in."

Richard nodded. "Yeah...it left me with that realization that in order to do what I'm doing, & be the man that I need to be, I need to strictly be Robin. There is nothing in between. I am no longer Dick Grayson. I am...just Robin." Richard let out a soft laugh. "There was a time where that would've made me happy. I wish it made me feel better. Funny thing is just as I'm getting good at this...I know I have to give it up."

"So that's what this is about?" Clark asked. "You want to give up the cape?"

Richard shrugged, & Clark rubbed his temples with his hands. Clark spoke. "What we do isn't something that just anybody can do. You said that yourself. It's true, there's not a lot of people who are willing to do what we do. But...we get burned out, sometimes. I don't blame you." Clark sighed. He tapped his fingers against his table counter & glanced away. Richard knew he was trying to tell him something. "But there's no one like you. The way you came into this life is something that makes you stronger. It makes you who you are, & you're NOT Bruce. You don't have to sink into that darkness. Not yet, anyway."

Richard shook his head. "Clark, no, Bruce is-"

"You're the Boy Wonder, Dick," Clark interrupted. "You're not Bruce's son. You were your own man, & you lived by your one values. You're your own hero."

"No!" Richard cried. "Robin was born from Batman…& from there, I became Bruce's son, I think."

Clark eyed Richard. "You...you care about him still, don't you?"

Richard looked up at Clark with rage in his teary eyes, but took a deep breath to calm himself. "I guess. Jason felt like I was Bruce's prodigal son, but...sometimes I wasn't sure if I was. It didn't always feel like that, but sometimes it did. I really don't know. I just...I don't know what to do with myself, anymore."

Clark nodded. He bit his lips, considering what he was going to say. "You don't need to be like the Batman," Clark started. "And yeah, there is too much death that comes with being the Batman's Robin. If you need a break from the Titans, & from Bruce, & from Gotham...then do what you wanted to do when you first showed up here. Get out of here. Start a new life, Dick."

Richard looked down at his fingers. "A new life?"

Clark smiled softly. "I once heard stories about a vigilante in Krypton. He was originally a law enforcer in Krypton, but, just like any other society, there were some problems in how they worked. There was corruption, just like in Gotham. But this Kryptonian decided to drop his uniform & go about his own values. He took the law into his own hands & became his own man, instead of obeying the Big Man. I always admired that kind of hero, because I knew that I could never be that kind of man."

Richard eyed Clark. "Who was this guy?"

Clark's soft smile rose into a larger smile. "Van-Zee. He became a vigilante with a name that, from Kryptonian, translates to Nightwing."

"Nightwing," Richard whispered in awe. He nodded. "Nightwing…"

Clark nodded. He sat back in his seat & placed his hands behind his back. "You're your own man, now. You don't owe Bruce anything at this point. You don't have any responsibilities to anyone except you & what you believe in."

Richard nodded. He had nothing left in Gotham. No father...no family...no friends...he had to leave.

"Thanks, Clark," Richard said softly. "This actually kind of helps."

Clark nodded. He sighed, then stood up from the table. "I'll do what I can to keep the League off of your radar. We don't have a lot of coverage in Blüdhaven, so that would be a good place to start."

Richard nodded. "Blüdhaven," he whispered.

"Yeah, I'll keep our priorities on recruiting the Green Arrow & Arsenal," Clark said. "The League will have a field day, trying to get those guys after what went down in Star City."

Richard bit his lip. He knew very well what happened over the past few years in Star City. He knew why Roy Harper had disappeared after the attack on City Hall. With what happened there, & the havoc in his hometown, the Justice League was dying to figure out who the Green Arrow & Arsenal were. Richard understood the tragedy of wanting to stay hidden from the world. Now, it was Richard's turn to hide from the rest of the League.

Richard stood up from his seat. "I'll see you around, Clark."

As Clark approached Richard to shake his hand, but before he could, Richard was already sprinting across the kitchen towards the balcony. Richard raced out of the apartment, onto the balcony, & leaped over the railing. "Richard!" Clark called from within the apartment, but Richard was already over the edge, leaping out into the city.

END