BOO! Bet you didn't expect this lunatic to return with another questionably readable piece of supposed work. Here's the first chapter.

Prompt: The boys have girl problems, so they go to Kaldur for help. Kaldur is 16. Robin and Zatanna are 13. Wally and Artemis are 15. Conner and M'gann are 16, by earth years, at least. Takes place during Team Year 1.

Submitted By: Me, the unbelievable awesome gender-nuetral, age-nuetral, species-nuetral, race-neutral Frozencake!

Kaldur'ahm The Matchmaker

Kaldur sat at the desk in his room, seemingly infatutated with the book he was reading. He had fallen behind in his studies from Atlantis, and has brought some lessons with him to rediscover some of his old passion.

"Hey Kaldur."

Kaldur jumped in reflexive shock at the voice, but due to the seated nature of his body, he ended up tossing his lamp over the desk and falling backwards in his chair, shattering the light bulb and bumping his head against the floor.

Groaning, it took a few moments before his vision cleared, and the familiar frame of a sunglasses-wearing thirteen year old boy came into view.

"Wow. I didn't think you would scare that easily. I mean, geez, you broke the lamp!" gestured Robin

Kaldur rolled off the chair and got onto his feet.

"Robin, I have discussed the matter of privacy and manners with you before. I would appreciate it if you knocked on my door rather than entering silently."

"Fine. But sneaking into your room helps sharpen your observational skills, which, you obviously need to work on."

"Robin."

"But-"

"Please. I need to study."

"But I need your help!" pouted the younger teen.

"With what?"

"Well...it's...you know.." mumbled Robin, twisting his hands around.

"It's what? Is this some sort of observational test?" asked Kaldur, growing irritated. In his defense, it was past 10 P.M, and he'd been studying for the last three hours.

"No, no. I-my friend, is just having trouble, with you know...girls and stuff." answered Robin, barely whispering the last part.

Kaldur blinked for a moment, causing Robin's cheeks to blush.

"You know what, never mind. I can just-"

"No, no. I am honored you thought me wise enough to consult on such important matters."

"Well, really, the only other alternatives are Conner and Wally, and both are utterly horrible when it comes to women. And I'm not having another talk with Batman about women and stuff." replied Robin, shuddering at the memory of the last part.

"Well, I am still honored nonetheless. Out of the entire hero community, and even those you know personally-"

"Hero community? Please. Anyone other than Black Canary would rat me out sooner or later to Batman, and I'm not speaking about women to Black Canary. God knows what she might pass on to Green Arrow, and boy does he have a mouth on him. I mean, the guy will spill his guts-"

"Robin." said Kaldur, interrupting another one of Robin's analytical rants.

"Right. Well, anyway...say there's this girl...and let's just say I, my friend, happens to like her. Or at least, I think she likes m-my friend. The problem is, they kind of have trust issues over my ah secret id,err, ex-girlfriend. She doesn't say it but she thinks he don't trust her enough, and that's kind of putting a hamper in their relationship. Which isn't even a relationship. Because those trust issues just keep getting in the way, and it's just so-ugh!"

Kaldur put his seat back up, and sat down in it once more as his friend spoke. When Robin stopped, Kaldur scrunched his brows in deep thought, remaining like this for nearly a minute before speaking. He needed to answer this delicately, without revealing he knew exactly whom and what he knew Robin was speaking off.

"Trust is an important part of every relationship, but at such young ages, we cannot overthink everything too much. Has your friend actually asked her about her opinion?"

Robin blinked.

"Oh...he ah..no, I don't think he did."

"Then that's where he should start."

Suddenly, Robin's dopey grin was back on his face as the cogs started to spin his brain.

"Thanks Kaldur! This helps a lot. With my friend, of course."

"Of course." replied Kaldur as Robin exited the room.

Shaking his head, Kaldur knelt down to start fixing his broken lamp.

Kaldur awoke the next morning to the sound of his lamp falling over, and it's replacement light bulb breaking. Again.

Immediately alert, he jumped off the bed into fighting pose, inadvertently tripping over the speedster that was literally zig sagging across the room.

Wally tripped and skidded right into the wall, less than a foot away from the sliding doors that would have opened up for him, and saved his face and ego.

"Oooowww." he moaned, rubbing his chin as he got up.

"I apologize Wally, but you had startled me. I would appreciate it if you knocked before running haphazardly around my room."

"Right. Sorry." mumbled the speedster.

"Is there any particular reason you were running haphazardly in my room, at an hour at which you are usually asleep?" asked Kaldur, noticing the time was 6:30. Wally was almost never up until 8:15, at least, not when school was out.

"Sorry, but I needed to speak to you before everyone else was up and about, their prying ears listening in to our conversation."

Sighing, Kaldur mentally pushed himself to forget about his sleepiness and help his teammate with whatever trouble he had gotten himself into.

"And what, exactly, would require such secrecy?"

"Artemis. Ar-te-friggin'-mis. Artie Warty. That's what!" exclaimed Wally

Kaldur mentally facepalmed. There was no way this wasn't related to last night's conversation with Robin.

"What about her?"

"She's so annoying! She's always in my face, and saying stuff, and just being there! I mean, she just has to contradict everything I say and fight me every step of the way, -hey that rhymed-, and she's always got to try and beat me at stuff. Beat me at training, beat me at food eating contests, although I won that one, beat me at cart racing, beat me at video games, I mean really? And she just get's under my skin! I mean, I can't stop thinking about her!"

"I see."

Silence followed as Wally panted form his rant and slumped against the floor, while Kaldur stood their with a raised eyebrow.

"What?"

"You admitted that you cannot keep Artemis out of your thoughts."

"So? She's an annoying harpy."

"Ah, but Robin also tries to beat you at all those things, and has at many. Robin has also often contradicted you, and he is always, as you say, 'saying stuff, and just being there', is he not?"

"Yeah, but he's a guy! It's different!"

"How so?"

"Robin doesn't have flaxen blonde hair, and steely grey orbs for eyes, and a perfect girl stomach, and boobs!" exclaimed Wally

"Mhmm." said Kaldur, ignoring the last comment for the sake of the conversation.

"What? Why do you keep looking at me like that?!"

"Wally, think back about what you just said. About this entire conversation. And then go to Artemis. For the sake of your sanity and hers."

"Why would I go to Artemis? What does that have to do with-..."

Wally's eyes widened as his brain finally caught up with the turn of the conversation.

"What! No. No! I won't believe it! I can't believe it!" he protested, seemingly to himself.

"It just..no. I cant...argh! What the hell was I thinking, listening to Robin! How you're responsible for him planning a breakfast picnic with Zatanna on the beach eludes me! It eludes me I say!" said the speedster, already storming out of the room, but sub-consciously headed for Artemis's room.

The heart wants what the heart wants.

Kaldur just shook his head as the doors shut behind Wally. Turning back to his once again smashed lamp, he seriously pondered throwing it. Why make it suffer?

The rest of the day was eerily quiet all the way into the afternoon, as with Zatanna and Robin apparently hanging out somewhere, and Wally and Artemis mysteriously disappearing after a rather large shouting match over something involving "crazy hormones" and "exploding bees". Frankly, Kaldur did not mind the peaceful quiet that had dawned on the cave. M'gann was in the kitchen making what she called "about a tenth of a metric ton of cookies, shaped like Batman!"

Conner was no doubt watching his favorite channel, which had now been dubbed, "The Static Program" by the rest of the team. Aside from Kaldur, of course. He was far too respectable for that.

Kaldur himself was planning on catching up on his studies. Or at least he was, until he found himself face to face with Superboy. Holding the remnants of what was his door.

"Conner?"

"The door wouldn't open." he grunted in reply

"It was locked."

"It isn't anymore."

Yes, Conner was still working on "expressing his emotions", as Black Canary called it.

"Is there a reason you needed to open it?"

"I was looking for you."

"Because?"

"I needed help."

Yes, Conner was also working on dialogue, as well.

"I assume this is about M'gann." replied Kaldur, his statement causing Conner's eyes to widen a little.

"Yes, how did you-"

"Flowers. Flowers and maybe some episodes of Hello Megan. In fact, she'd probably love to watch it with you and eat some of those cookies she makes."

"Wha-"

"Or candy. Or a stroll on the beach. Or anything sweet really. M'gann is easy to please."

"Um, thanks?" replied Conner, confused.

"You are welcome, friend. Enjoy."

With that, Kaldur picked up the bent and twisted remnants of his door, and placed it so that it would obstruct his doorway. Mostly.

He was going to need to ask Batman for a replacement door. And a better lock.

Aww. Poor Kaldur. Anyway, R&R people, it makes my day, and I can make yours if you leave a prompt. Rating appropriate, of course.