This is just a quick story I wrote while I was supposed to be editing an update for a different one. Anything familiar belongs to Janet. The mistakes are mine.
"You're doing the right thing, Stephanie," I told myself, softly.
That isn't the first time those words came out of my mouth. In the last twenty minutes, as I was trying to get my tears and nerves under control, I told myself that repeatedly. It didn't help, though. And it didn't hurt any less. If Ranger doesn't care about what I'm going to tell him, I'll have to walk away. But the thought of never seeing Ranger again, or seeing him and his eyes no longer warming when they land on me, is making me beyond sick.
I blinked quickly, trying to dry out the new moisture in my eyes. I get that I can't make our relationship different if Ranger doesn't want it to change, but I can make my life better. I'm hoping that my new life will include Ranger, but it could just as easily not. Ranger is a fucking expert at keeping me guessing, but that stops today. Looks like it stops right now, I thought, as I pulled up to the Rangeman gate.
I'd called the control room before leaving my apartment to see if Ranger was still working, and Vince had told me that Ranger had gone up to seven already. I debated letting Ranger know I was on my way over, but I thought if I walked in unexpectedly, using the key he gave me, might remind Ranger just how much I'm supposed to mean to him. What I hope I mean to him.
I parked next to Ranger's F-150, and sat there shaking until I caught myself putting my key back in the ignition, ready to get the hell out of here before I make a fool of myself, or ruin a perfectly good friendship.
But that's exactly why I'm here. I don't want just a flirtation with Ranger, or a hot night of sex when we both stopped thinking about who it would hurt, and thought only of what we do to each other. I want both the friendship and the sex on a daily basis, and not need an excuse, permission, or a bottle of wine in my system, to be able to touch him.
I dragged my reluctant ass out of my car, which thankfully was not one Ranger had given me since that would only complicate things. I took the elevator up to Ranger's apartment, trying to avoid looking straight into the camera so Vince, and probably Hal, wouldn't see my red-rimmed eyes or notice the missing smile I usually give the camera.
Way too soon, the doors opened up to the little entryway that led to Ranger's front door.
"You can do this, Stephanie," I said out loud. "You can do this!"
I wish I believed me.
I unlocked his door and went inside, praying like hell that Ranger wasn't in the shower. I can't leave a naked Ranger, and he knows that. And would no doubt use it, too.
I walked down the hall, through the kitchen, and found Ranger in his little office off the bedroom. Still too close to a bed for my sanity, but this is much better than a steamy bathroom ... for an uncomfortable conversation anyway.
Ranger's eyes flicked from his computer monitor to me. "Babe," he said, a small smile tilting up one side of his mouth.
I tried not to let that grin, and the warm feelings that particular tone caused, sway me.
"We need to talk," I spit out, immediately wanting to take those four little words back.
But seeing Ranger sitting there in front of me, knowing that he's the man I want to be with, catch skips with, and spend every night with, made my back straighten and my chin go up. Ranger's the only one standing in our way now, and I have to make him see that. I will fight for us, but I'll also say goodbye if Ranger doesn't think we're worth fighting for.
"What do you need?" Ranger asked me, his smile now gone.
Ranger had picked up on my body language, and I could almost hear him reassessing the situation.
"I need you to either give us a shot or leave me alone," I got out, but each word burned the back of my throat as I was saying them. "I can't do the friends sometimes lover thing anymore. I want more from you because I realize I need more."
Ranger's body went absolutely still, his face not registering surprise, happiness, or panic. No, he isn't giving me anything at fucking all. I'm not shocked really, but I was looking for some type of reaction. Ranger isn't a man who'd fall to his knees and beg me not to walk out of here, but damn it, I want something. Why can't Ranger see the two of us the way I do? Can't our timing be right for once? When Ranger still didn't appear ready to make me happy or incredibly sad, my temper took over my mouth.
"Say something, Ranger," I told him. "You've hinted multiple times that one day we could have an actual grown up relationship, but maybe you never wanted one with me. Is that it? You really need to tell me if it is, because I'm saying that I want everything that you ever eluded to ... more than a kiss, more than a night, and more than I've ever had with Joe."
I took a deep breath and Ranger didn't try to interrupt the words flying out of my mouth. Fine, I have more to say before I leave anyway.
"Now that I've told you all that," I continued, probably destroying whatever was left of my friendship with him, "are you going to say 'so long, Stephanie' and hot foot it to Miami or Boston or wherever the hell you disappear to every time I push too hard? If you don't want forever with me, then I'm damn sure not waiting forever for you."
My words caught on the sob I didn't want to escape, and I turned away so Ranger wouldn't see me cry, yet again. I took a step away from his desk, intending to leave the seventh floor, most likely for the last time. Even if Ranger doesn't fire me, I know I can't keep working here where I'll see him every day and have to face every day that Ranger doesn't want me ... not the way I need him to.
"You walk out that door, Stephanie," Ranger said finally, using the scary Stark Street voice that always causes shivers of both pleasure and fear along my spine, "and I won't be responsible for my actions."
"Oh yeah?" I said, not exactly in a friendly tone, either. "What are you going to do to stop me? Stun me?"
"If I have to, Babe," he told me. "I could also cuff you to my shower rod until you listen to me, or I can call Hal on five and have him go toe-to-toe with you again before your ass clears the stairs. You are not leaving my apartment like this."
"You mean leaving angry?" I asked, once again pissed because I still don't know what Ranger's thinking.
Half of me honestly thought Ranger would just say 'see ya' and then lock the door behind me.
"No, Stephanie," Ranger said, getting out of his chair and crossing the room to block my only way out with his big body. "You're not leaving this apartment alone. If I 'disappear' like you said, your perfectly-shaped ass will be in the seat next to me."
"Wha ...?" I started to say, but this time Ranger quickly cut me off.
"Were you expecting me to ask for my key fob back and ban you from the building?" Ranger asked, a little angry now himself.
"Umm ... sort of."
"That's not gonna happen, Babe. It's true that you've fucked with my head, but I did let you, so it wouldn't be right to punish you for it."
"And that means what exactly?" I asked, mildly insulted now.
Another feeling to add to the list of all the emotions I've gone through in the last hour.
I've fucked with his head? I'm pretty sure my brain ends up looking like scrambled eggs every time Ranger gets within five feet of me.
"It means that I'm tired of fighting what's been growing between us, tired of fighting you," Ranger told me, less pissed off and more resigned now. "I was waiting for a good time to discuss the obvious shift in our relationship, maybe over dinner or a glass of wine, but you storming in here will work, too. It opened up communication between us at least."
I snorted at that. "Barely," I said to him. "I've been the one bitching here. You were a friggin' statue ... as usual."
"Trust me, Steph, you want me silent right now."
"Why?"
"You assuming that I'd erase you from my life, and that you were ready to erase me from yours, makes me angrier than I've ever been over something you've done. Besides that, I'd point out what that ready for combat look in your eyes is making me want to do to you. And the angry flush lingering on your face reminds me of how you look right after I've made very thorough love to you."
I snorted again. "Yeah ... made love to me."
Ranger's eyes narrowed to angry slits, and he cupped my face in his hands, forcing me to meet them.
"Yes, Stephanie. Love. It isn't just sex with us. It never was. If I can admit it, then it's about fucking time you do, too."
I sighed. Apparently I wasn't very good at hiding my feelings if Ranger had been able to see right through my 'just friends' bullshit.
"So ... maybe I do love you," I told him. "What am I suppose to do about it?"
"Let me love you back, Babe, without you putting the brakes on it," Ranger said, quietly. "No doubts, no Morelli, and no more regrets. Got it?"
My face felt like it was going to crack in Ranger's hands, but I finally managed to give him a small smile.
"You're never going to give up the whole 'alpha male' thing, are you?"
"No. And you don't want me to."
"I don't," I said, "but, Ranger, you are going to have to talk to me sometimes, so I know where the hell we are."
"Right now we're in love with each other. And that's enough."
"Is it?" I asked Ranger.
"Yes, Babe," Ranger told me, before ending the conversation and using his tongue and my mouth to demonstrate what he'll be doing as soon as we no longer have clothes between us.
My fingers dug into the solid muscle of Ranger's shoulders as I opened my mouth - and myself - up to him even more. What Ranger just said is what I've known all along. Being loved by this man will always be enough for me.