The T on Tobias' back keeps halting me. I circle it with airy fingers, then with my nose. When I try hard enough, maybe I can feel him. Once again. That is all I need, at least that's what I tell myself. That I could let go of him, of all… if I just can be with him one more time.
But deep inside I feel that it wouldn't be like that – I won't be able to let go. What is one last touch?
I need more. It was a long way for me to get ready for life, for living with what I have done, and I know I wouldn't have made it so far without him, or without Christina.
Christina, whose name at once guides me to another name, another face, another one to torture me.
Will.
Beyond the horizon, in the world of death I belong to now, he is waiting for me. What can I tell him? How can I ask him for forgiveness?
I try to imagine how it would be if I had died in his place, how his and Christina's lives would have gone on. Would they still be alive now? Would they have left Chicago with Tobias?

And where would he be? My thoughts fly back to him, as if he really is an anchor, strong enough to keep me in between. I know my parents wait for me, and I… I long to see them. I already miss my mother, though it can't be long since she left me to say goodbye.
Will it never end? I thought that death, at least, would be the end of grief and longing, but it is not. I miss my parents, and Will, and Marlene and Uriah, I want to see them again.
But I know that once I see them, I will have to wait decades to see Tobias again. I hope, for his sake, that it will be decades.

Memories fill me, and too many beloved faces, people I can't be near to anymore, people that wait for me… I have to go. I know it. Nothing can be worse than this in between, this seeing Tobias, feeling his grief but being unable to help him, It is my fault that he suffers that way, and that is the worst torture I have ever been under. It is my fault.

Will it be better once I'm gone? My mother said yes, and I want to believer her. I have to believe her, or I will never bring myself to leaving him.

I concentrate on the T again, stare at it till it drowns out every other picture, every other face…

T for the touch I crave, for the thrill to be alone with him, finally. T for talk, even though we talked mostly about dark things. For the tests our love had to go through, and won, in the end. T for trust because I now know Tobias trusted me, even when he didn't tell me everything.

I close my eyes and try again to shut out everything, even him, but I can't. The small T is burning through my eyelids, torturing me with stories of the past and promises of a future I will never have.
I have to go.
I have to, or I will lose my mind.

"Tobias." I say his name into the fog around me, and it shivers, takes up the word and sends it all over the place, vibrating with life. His name shatters the muddy streets of my imagination, whirling the grey around away. My in between world collapses, turning my sad little waiting room to dust. Only the horizon remains, pearly and beautiful and, though there is no door to be seen, definite. I know that when I allow my feet to carry me there, away from Tobias, I will never come back. Never. All the freedom I had in Dauntless… gone. Forever.

But I can't think about myself now, I have to think of our world. I died, but I died doing what I had to do. I did not fail my friends. The compound is like filled with new people. They know nothing about purity, or damaged genes as far as I heard. It is alright. Our city can heal one day.

I have to believe that Christina, Cara, George, Caleb and Tobias can, too. They have to.

Tobias. I close my eyes and try to breathe him in once again, I want to keep him, every part of him, close to my heart. I need him to stay a part of me, or I will no longer be the person I came to stand up for.

Tobias. He, too, starts with a T.
Just like me.

In the bright, pearly light that is no longer dimmed by fog I open my eyes again and watch the T on his shoulder glow softly. Out there, the sun rises again, it is the seventh day since I died.
I feel the rays of sunlight dance with the horizon, see their invitation for me to join them. We are both bathed by the same light now, him from outside, I from inside.

I still don't want to leave him, but suddenly I feel dragged away, slowly but steadily, and as I throw myself forward to reach for him, hold him, kiss him one last time, just one last time, my fingers float right through him again. I cry without tears, without a voice, I cry till my head seems to burst. Not now. Not now, I'm not ready, I promised I would come and I will, but later, later…

I get numb when death pulls me so far away that I can't recognize his face anymore. Tobias, I think, hoping his name will pulsate through my world again, strong enough to make me lose my fear. But the world remains quiet, and Tobias disappears as I am pulled on by death, to the pearly horizon I thought to be so close.

Tobias.

I hold on to thinking his name long after the light closes around me, but it somehow loses its pain. All I can think of is how beautiful a name it is, gentle and elegant and strong, and funny.

The T on his shoulder is for both of us, I realize, for Tobias and Tris, and for Together. Together, as we always will be. The light around me gets warmer, and I remember our bodies, entwined at night, moving together as one. We were immortal then, and somehow now I know that we still are. We will always be immortal, and together.

"Tris."
I turn around and see my mother standing at what looks like a gap in the light. Behind it is even more light, so bright that I have to close my eyes, but I still hear her voice, close around me. I feel it is a good sign she called me "Tris" – as if she approves of the woman I chose to be.
"Come" she says, and blindly, I take a step to follow her, then another… and then I can't go on.

Tobias Christina Caleb Tobias Cara George Tobias Amar Tobias Tobias Tobias…

I whisper their names, a question and a plea. I want to be ready, I want to. But how can I go when my friends are still suffering? I think of all we've been through.
T for team, for training and trouble and tension and trust, once more.

I can feel my mother's smile warming the nothing around me. "They will be alright" she promises, "they will be changed, but they will mend. Come now."

I finally open my eyes though they burn with what feels like tears, but I couldn't say if they are from grief or relief, or from joy as I see a familiar silhouette moving out of the light. My father.

"Dad…" I stand there until he reaches us, and wraps his arms around us. "I am proud of you, Tris", he says, and that is when I know it was right. It was right to refuse to believe in damage and purity, it was right to break up the factions. No Abnegation father would ever say what my father just told me. He is so much more than just one slide of humanity.

"Thank you", I say, and smile because it makes another T, another word printed onto Tobias, whether he realizes it already or not. One day, when he joins me here, I will tell him.

"Come." He takes a hand of each of us and walks towards the blinding light, and I turn around to see him one last time for now…

Tobias, this is Tris. Thank you for everything, and trust us to be together again, forever…

White light floats around me, into me, lifts me up. I can't see my parents anymore but I know they are near, I know I will never lose them again…

I will wait for you, so don't hurry. I always jump first, remember? It is alright…

- T is for us. –