Chapter 14 – "I want to go out in public and hold your hand!"

Day 223

What the hell was she doing? That's what she kept thinking over and over as she stood outside of Holder's apartment door. She shouldn't be standing there. She shouldn't want to go to his apartment. They had called it off almost two weeks earlier. She needed to accept that. They couldn't be partners and have sex on the side. It just wasn't working. Even though he hadn't actually said it, she could tell that Holder wanted more from her and she had no more to give.

The only reason she was even standing at his door was because he told her he had information about the cold case they were working on. He mumbled something on the phone about seeing something in a photograph that neither of them had picked up on before. She asked him if it could wait until Monday, but he said it couldn't. That's why, even though she knew it was a bad idea, she was standing there, waiting for him to open the door. She could never deny looking over evidence of a case even if it hurt her emotionally.

Linden held her breath as the door opened. Holder was standing in front of her in a button down shirt and Jeans. It wasn't his usual attire and it made her wonder what was going on. She had to admit, he looked good.

"Hi," he said.

"What do you have to show me?" She asked, getting down to business.

"Can I take your coat?"

"Just show me the photograph," she said. She was determined to keep the meeting professional even if being in his apartment reminded her of all of the amazing times she had spent there.

"What's your hurry, Linden?"
She headed towards the living room, but stopped as something caught her eye in the kitchen. She glanced over at the table. It was set for two complete with two lit candlesticks in the middle. She suddenly could smell something savory in the air even though she couldn't put her finger on it.

She wheeled around, surprised to see how close he was standing to her. She took a step back, keeping the anger in her eyes. He had tricked her and she was not about to give in to his desires.

"What the hell is going on?"

"Figured you had to eat something. And vending machines don't count."

"You said you had something to show me that pertained to the case."
"You're a detective, Linden, you should know when someone's lying to you."

"I just never thought my partner would lie to me. I guess I was wrong."

She began to storm off towards the door, but Holder grabbed her arm.

"Just sit down and hear me out, Linden."

"Let go of me."

She could feel his fingertips burning into her skin. It was a good feeling. One she missed. He wasn't holding her hard enough to hurt her. If she wanted to, she knew she would be able to get out of his hold, but she didn't really want to.

"Jack came to see me," he stated.

She looked up at him, trying to read if he was telling the truth. She could tell immediately that he was. He would never use her son to get her to do what she wanted if it wasn't true.

"When?"

"Last week."

"Why?"

"Because he's worried about you. Because he wants to see you happy."

He finally let go of her arm, but she didn't move.

"Jack's a kid. He doesn't know what makes me happy."

"He's not a kid, Linden. You said it yourself. He's smart and observant, just like his mom. He told me how unhappy you've been recently. How happy you were before that."

"He doesn't know what he's talking about."
"I think he does."

"He can't know because he doesn't know about…"

"About us? Think again, Linden. He knows."

"What? You told him?!" She shouted, anger running through her. She would do anything to protect her son.

"I didn't tell him! He figured it out on his own! He sat there and thought about what the hell would be making his mom so happy. Finally came to the conclusion that it was me. It was us being together."
"We weren't together!"

"You can say that all you want, but I know you don't believe that. Maybe we said what we were doing was just sex, but it wasn't."

"That's all it can be."

"Why? Why can't we be more? Why can't it be more than about sex?" She didn't answer. She didn't know how to answer. "I know you're trying to protect yourself, Linden. It's what you've always done, right? Not let anyone get too close? Not even Sonoma?"

"Don't bring him into this."

"Oh right, because he was just collateral damage in Hurricane Linden!"

"You son of a bitch." She headed for the door once more, feeling the tears. But she would not cry. She wouldn't give him the satisfaction of knowing he had gotten to her. He managed to reach the door before she did, blocking her from reaching the door handle.

"You're right. I am a son of a bitch. I'm also an addict and I can be damn irritating when I want to be. But you are stubborn and bossy and are PMSing ninety-nine percent of the time, but that don't matter because neither of us are perfect! We both got shit to deal with! We're both messed up, but somehow we work! Somehow we make sense, Linden! Even though on paper we might not be right for each other, we are right for each other! And I ain't letting you run away! Not this time!"

"This won't work!" She shouted. "We tried. It didn't work!"

"No. We tried sex. We tried having fun without any emotions. Well, you know what, Linden, I can't do that. I can't not have emotions because I have feelings for you."

"Holder…"

"I want us to be together! I want to take you on a date! I want to cook you dinner without you jumping down my throat! I want to spend time with Little Man. I want to go out in public and hold your hand!"

"I have ruined every relationship I have ever had!" She shouted, not sure what else to say. How could she tell him that he was too good for her and deserved better? How could she tell him what she was really afraid of?

"Maybe you ruined every relationship because you haven't been with the right person."

She paused, thinking about what he said. She knew he was right. She had never been with the right person. Even Rick, the man she thought she was going to marry, wasn't right for her. She should never have dated her psychiatrist to begin with. Deep down she knew Holder was the right man. She trusted him more than anyone else she had ever met. She didn't know what she would do without him.

"I can't lose you," she finally said quietly.

"Linden…"

"I can't lose you," she repeated. "As a partner, as a friend. I can't lose you. I don't know what I would do."

"You won't lose me, Linden."

He took her hand.

"You don't know that."

"I do. Because I know us."

She let a tear fall down her cheek as she looked up at him. He wiped it away with the pad of his thumb. Suddenly it all made sense. He was right. She was tired of running. Being with him in every sense of the word was right.

"You really want to hold my hand in public?" She asked with a smile.

"I want to do everything with you, Linden."

"Ok."

"Ok as in you want to give us a shot?" She nodded. "And it won't be just sex?"

"No, although that part will be very nice to get back to."

"You can say that again."

"I'm all in, Holder."

"Good," he replied, leaning down to kiss her. His arms snaked around her waist while her arms looped around his neck. She sighed into his kiss, feeling happier than she had been in weeks. When they broke apart, she leaned her forehead against his.

"They won't let us work together anymore," she said.
"You'll always be my ride, Linden. No matter what happens."

He bent to kiss her once more, but she turned her head way from him. He gave her a quizzical look.

"I want to hear you say it," she said, mimicking what he had said to her the first time they had kissed.

"Say what?"

"Tell me how you feel. I need to hear it."

"You're such a girl," he joked.

"Please," she whispered, beginning to unbutton his shirt.

"I love you, Linden."

She smiled. "Good, because I love you too."

She turned back to him and kissed him hard, pouring all of her love into the kiss. She finished unbuttoning his shirt and shrugged it off his shoulders. She roamed her hands over his bare chest and started pushing him down the hall towards the bedroom.

"Food's gonna be ruined," he said as she started working on his belt buckle.

"You really going to worry about food at a time like this?"

"Just messing with you, Linden," he said, picking her up and throwing her over his shoulder. She squealed as he carried her off into the bedroom.

Author's Note: Well, that's it. I hope you liked this story. It was a lot of fun to write. I finally watched season 3 and went right into season 4. I don't want to spoil anything for those of you haven't seen the final season yet, but the series finale prompted me to start another Linden/Holder story immediately. I'm hoping to post it soon! Thanks to all of my readers, followers, and reviewers!