Title: Backwards
Author: clhardi1
Rating: K+
Warnings: Mentions of torture (not too graphic)
Pairing: Olicity (Oliver and Felicity)
Genre: Extreme angst!
Word Count: 4923 (I actually can't believe this. Longest fic I've written ever!)
Fandom: Arrow (CW)
Summary: Felicity Smoke went out of their lives, almost as suddenly and surprisingly as she came.
Disclaimer: Oliver and Felicity do not belong to me, but they do belong with each other. Just making that happen on paper...or my computer, actually.

AN: I'm new to this ship and to fic writing, but I've learned two things from writing for the Arrow fandom. I love Olicity and all my fellow shippers. And... I am incapable of writing happy ending, fluffy pieces. Be warned. Check out my other one shot "Don't Come" If you don't know what I'm talking about. As far as the time line goes, I see this story as a season 3 or 4 ending episode. Thanks so much for reading and reviewing. No Beta, so all mistakes are mine. Enjoy!

AN: Update: Companion piece to this has been added of you need a better ending. Its called "Forward". Check out my profile for the link.

Felicity Smoke went out of their lives, almost as suddenly and surprisingly as she came.

It had taken time.

But after months of hard work, long nights and wiping out and starting all over again more than once, they had finally recovered most of what was lost during that final confrontation with Slade Wilson.

The city had been restored. It was more or less back to its normal needy self. A new mayor was elected and Officer Lance, who recovered quickly, had been promoted for his services in the recovery effort.

Eventually, Oliver had gotten back his family company and miraculously revived the failing business from the dead. It may never be what it once was, but it was enough to fund their nightly activities. And Felicity and Diggle had their day jobs back.

Roy was running Verdant and living in the space above. He had also become a vital part of Team Arrow. He trained with Digg and Oliver daily and went out with them on most missions. He no longer had super strength, but he had a retribution to pay to the city and this was the best way to do it.

Bruises had healed, scars were faded and almost all the signs of their struggle had seemed to slowly melt away.

Team Arrow, though warn and weary for a while, had grown together even tighter than before. Much had changed over the last two years.

Some things were kept - the Salmon bar for one. It seemed to follow them wherever they went. Their mission was also the same. Help the people. Save the city.

Some things were added, like a brand new layer with updated systems that Felicity thought reviled even Amanda Wallers set up. And Laurel, now an important part of the team, trained with them at times, but mostly offered other protections as the cities new DA.

And then there was their little Diglett. Well, technically, by birth he was Diggles' and Lylas', but they all loved him as if he were their own. To everyones shock and entertainment, Oliver and the hyper little boy had become fast friends. Diggle joked that his first words were going to be "Ollie".

But even with all the good new things, some things had been painfully left behind. They could find no record of Thea anywhere. No plane ticket purchase, no apartment lease, not even a blip on any of the scans Felicity was constantly running. Oliver had given up. He wanted to believe she was happy somewhere far away from the danger of being related to the Arrow. Roy also claimed to have given up, but Felicity knew he still checked the reports as often as she did. But despite this hole and the many changes, or maybe because of them, team arrow had become a tight knit family.

And things and been fine for a while. Good even.

Then 4 month ago, Felicity started acting strange.

Diggle had noticed right away when she started showing up a few minutes late to work each morning and then staying later than all of them at their night job. Oliver finally picked up on it too when she began to jump and shy away from his slightest touch. He'd asked her about it multiple times, but she always had a vaguely acceptable excuse. And this worried Oliver more than the jumpiness or the lateness, because there was a time where he could get her to tell him almost anything. But her bouts of over-telling and babbling had become few and far between as time went on. She wasn't the same anymore and he was only slightly surprised to find how much this affected him.

But how could miss someone who you saw 19 hours a day?

Two nights ago, Oliver arrived at the arrow cave to find Felicity there already curled up in her computer chair. She hadn't heard him come in, so he had been able to observe her for a while without her knowledge. Her eyes had been red rimmed and watery. He had remembered seeing a slight tremble in her shoulders as she clutched her phone in her hands. Looking around, he could see a pillow and blanket bunched at one end of the couch by the wall and the corner of a zippered bag sticking out from underneath. Had she been sleeping here? For how long?

He had decided right then and there that this had gone on long enough. If he had to tie her to her computer chair and aim an arrow had her hard drives, he was going to make her to talk to him.

And then an alert came in on the group they had been tracking for 6 months now. They were dangerous, deadly and annoyingly elusive. It had been weeks since they had gotten anything on them. The intel was too good to let go, so once again, the issue with Felicity had gotten pushed to the side. Felicity had seemed hesitant to act on the information, but the others had been determined to stop this group and had decided to move in on their location, despite her cautions.

The whole team had went after them based on the tracking information Felicity had provided. It had turned out to be a bust. They arrived at an empty warehouse and Oliver remember feeling puzzled. The intel that had popped up on the computers had been clear. So either the bad guys and left in a hurry taking all traces with them, or Felicity had purposely steered them in the wrong direction.

They hadn't had long to consider this when the coms were interrupted by a strange voice and then someone had hit Oliver over the back of the head with something heavy.

The team woke up, some time later in an abandoned steel building, chained to the walls. They had been there for two days. No food, no water, no explanations. It was impossible to sleep the way they were tied standing against the cold walls. Their muscles ached from being pulled up for so long and the chains cut into the flesh of their wrists. But the worst part was the wondering. Who had taken them? What did they want? Who had cut into their coms? What was happening? And then what they each were too afraid to ask. Why hadn't Felicity found them? Sent for help? Called in reinforcements?

Then towards the end of the second day, their captors had started pulling them down one by one and strapping them to the chair bolted to the floor in the center of the space. They were too week from exhaustion and dehydration to fight much. Roy was first. They had brought out a stool and set a digital recorder on it. A tall masked man had hit record and pulled on a pair of black plastic gloves.

Then he tortured him.

While it was happening, Digg and Oliver had screamed for him to stop. They pulled on their restrains until their wrists ran with blood. Then pleaded, but it made no difference. In fact, it only seemed to spur him on.

When he was finished, the man walked out without a word, dropping the bloodied gloves on the floor on his way out. He took the tape with him, but still offered no explanations. Roy was unrecognizable from the torture and two hours later he still sat unmoving in the chair. They called out his name over and over again to no avail. Oliver wanted so badly to break free and run his fingers along his neck to his pulse point to find out if he was still alive. Diggle said he could see him breathing from his view, but with the amount of blood he was losing from the various knife woulds, he wouldn't be for much longer.

Just as they were loosing all hope, the masked man cam in again and drug him out. Several more hours past. There were painfully worse than those before. Their physical wounds were worse now, but the mental pain was what was most consuming...terrifying. Where had they taken Roy? Was he still breathing when they drug him out? What would happen next?

A few hours later, seemingly the same masked man came in with the recorder. He had brought with him this time a tray of some sort of tools. He pulled the gloves from his pocket while a second man this time unchained Diggle from his place on the wall. He moaned as his arms were released from the position they had been locked in for over 48 hours now. It took considerable more effort, but within minutes he was strapped to the chair and the man was looking over a tray of tools, contemplating which one would inflect the most pain. Both he and Oliver were exhausted from dehydration, voices raw from hours of screaming for Roy. They waited in silence this time for what would come.

They had lost hope completely.

About half why through Diggs recorded torture session, the masked man paused. They realized another man had stuck his head in the single door on the far wall and seemed to be signaling him to stop.

Many scenarios went through their minds as to what would happen next.

None of them involved Felicity walking through the door.

She comes to Oliver first. Maybe because he's closest, or maybe because she can't wait another moment to touch him. To make sure he's still alive. The first thing she says when she cautiously approaches him is that she only has five minutes.

At first his foggy mind can't comprehend what's happening...that she's really here.

"Until what? What's going on? How are you here?"

She ignores his questions and skips to the main point. "I need for you to be safe. All of you."

He's even more confused now, but more alert. More worried. "I don't understand. How will you being here make us safe? You- you need to go. You need to run..."

Stepping in closer to put a finger over his lips, she explains. "He's promised if I go and if you let me, he won't hurt you. He'll let you go and he'll leave the city. He said you'll never hear from them again."

"Felicity, that makes no sense. What does he want with you? Is this happening because of me? Because you help me?"

"No! It's happening because of me! This is all my fault!"

"How could this possibly be your fault?"

He's so confused. But she clears it up quickly.

"Because he's my father, Oliver."

His face was first one of shock. Then confusion again.

"You told me-"

"-That he left when I was young. Yeah, he did. I just didn't know that he left to go start his own evil organization. At least not until he contacted me four months ago."

"Four months ago?"

"Yes."

This the number click in his head then. Four months ago was when he lost her. The way she was talking now gave him the feeling that he was about to lose her again.

"Why didn't you tell me, Felicity?"

"I don't know. Because I was afraid you would hate me? And I thought I could handle it myself. I thought he would just stop asking if I kept saying no!"

"I could never, never hate you," He cut in quickly, "I wouldn't even know where to start."

She smiled a sad self deprecating smile, "I could show you. I've gotten pretty good at hating myself over the past few months."

"What exactly is he asking of you?"

"He's been watching us for a while now. Since before Slade. He thinks my skill set would be valuable to his efforts. And thats a quote! I mean who says that about their own daughter..."

"So he's going to use your computer skills to commit crimes."

"Most likely."

"To hurt people, maybe even kill them."

"I won't let it go that far."

He was yelling at her now "And how are you going to stop him? Have you thought about that? What's too far anyway? When he tortures people with your intel? When he hunts down enemies to murder from your searches? When he ask you to lead them through on a kill mission? Has you do unthinkable things! After he destroys lives...destroys you? Have you thought any of this through-"

"No!" She yelled back. "No I haven't! Because all I've been able to think about for the last 48 hours is the silence of your coms disconnecting and the screams of Roy being tortured. And then of them dumping his body on the door step of my apartment, barely alive. And of what they were going to do to you... you and Digg next. That's all I've been thinking of Oliver! That's why I'm here. That's why I have to go with them. No matter what it means for me."

He could see her slipping away from him. And he was so angry about it.

He ground out, "Don't do this."

"I have to."

"No. You don't."

"Yes. I do."

"Why?" He demanded of her.

"I just do. I need to go now." She tried to pull away, but his loud voice and the intensity of his eyes held her there as if he had reached out a grabbed her arm.

"No. No you need to tell me why!" He was urgent, frustrated, desperate.
for her to feel the quick puffs of air passing between his parted lips. And close to the delicate line they had worked so long and arduously not to cross. The last time they had come this close to the edge had been two years ago when Oliver had done the unthinkable to save the city.

She saw the recognition in his eyes when he realized.

They had had this conversation before. Only backwards.

"I told you. I need you to be safe." She said to him this time.

Then he said her own words back to her. "Well maybe I don't want to be safe. Maybe I want to be with you, unsafe."

Only this time, their enemy hadn't taken the wrong person. He had taken the people she cared for most. Her only family really. This time, there was no last minute plan or rehearsed lines that became too authentic. This was real.

It was real.

She was leaving them. She wouldn't be there to tease Roy about his target practice or about washing his lucky red hoodie. She wouldn't see Diggs son start his first day of preschool. She wouldn't be around for the Sunday morning coffee Mr. Lance had been treating her to for the last year now. She wouldn't be there to patch them up the next time they came home bruised and battered from a nasty night patrolling the streets. She wondered, who would run the coms for missions now? Who would keep up the security protocols? Who would order the new leathers? Who would sort through all the missed QC messages for the important ones? Who would pick up the coffee on the way to their day job and the Big Belly Burgers on the way to their night job? Who would make sure they were all fed and not bleeding and relatively sane and that they laughed at least once a day?

Who would take care of her boys?

She didn't have an answer for these future questions. She only knew how to take care of them right now. And that was by leaving.

So she pressed in close to him so she could make herself clear. Her hands slid up the front of the warm, warn green leather and rested on the center of his chest. Right over his beating heart. Eyes locked on him, she spoke with all the strength she had. WIth finality.

"You think it's your job to take care of this whole city, Oliver. You take all of this weight on your shoulders. And you carry it around until you break. Then you blame yourself for that too. I've watched you do this for four years now. But there's one thing you've never understood." He tried to cut in but she wouldn't let him. "You're not the only one who has people to protect."

"It's my job to protect you, Felicity." He said.

"And you've done it." She breathed with a watery smile. "Spectacularly, and that's saying something considering how much trouble I get myself into."

She took a deep breath, "You have saved me over and over again. You're my hero. Now it's my turn to protect you."

Up until this point, he had been so angry. She had seen it seeping from his pores. She had felt it in the tense muscles of his chest as she pressed in closer. But now, it all seemed to leave him. It was replaced with a vulnerability she had rarely, if ever, seen before in him.

"Felicity..." He pleaded again.

It was now or never. If she stood there for much longer looking at the desperation in his eyes, she would give in and she would never forgive herself for hurting her family like that.

So she finished out the scene they had started from that night the city fell apart.
Accept this time there was no question about weather or not it was real. This time, she said all she had wanted to say to him that night two years ago.

"I love you, Oliver." She told him. "And let me be clear, because we won't have another two years to sweep this under the rug and pretend like it doesn't mater. This matters."

She pushed herself all the way up on her tiptoes so she could look directly into his eyes. So that after she did what she was about to do, there would be no question afterwards.

"I don't mean I love you as a friend or as a brother or as family member. I mean I am in love with you. Totally, completely, stupidly no going back, sold out in love with you."

She let out a sigh if relief. "And you don't know how good it feels to say that."

She continued quickly. "I know logically , this whole idea of fate and destiny is ridiculous...some fabrication of silly romance novels and bad TV shows. But something brought me into your life. Something brought me to this city to accept a job a thousand miles away from home. Something brought you to my office with a ridiculous lie and a shot up laptop. I don't know what that was, but I'm so thankful for it. I won't ever regret this, Oliver. Ever. Somehow, somewhere along the way, I fell in love with you. I feel like fall isn't even the right word. Because it's not by accident or by chance that I love you. I need you to know that I walked into this life, into loving you, with my eyes open wide. It has always been my choice. And no matter how this ends up, you need to know that I choose you, and that choosing to love you was not a mistake. Waiting this long to tell you, that was my mistake."

Then became as serious as he had ever seen her.

"You and I both know I say and do a lot of things on the regular that I'd like to take back. But loving you, Oliver Queen, that's one thing I'd never take back. It's the best choice I've ever made." A tear slipped from her eye. "I love you... I think I always have. I know I always will."

And she didn't wait to see if he would say it back. She drank up the last of the distance between their lips and pressed hers firmly to his.

To her complete delight, he kissed her back. He pored back into her the words she hadn't given him a chance to say. And that was enough for her.

When her breath ran out, she pulled back slightly and after a moment, looked up to his eyes. They were still closed. Was he memorizing the moment like she was? She wished he'd open them. She wished she could see them one more time. But it was probably for the best. She rested her forehead against his and let one hand trail down to his side.

She found what she was looking for quickly.

His eyes shot open when he realized what she was about to do, but with his hands securely bound, he was powerless to stop her.

And before he could even say a word in protest, with her forehead still pressed to his, she whispered,"Goodbye Oliver," and slipped the needle of the dart into the tender flesh of his neck.

He was out before the first tear fell from her eye. His eyes slipped closed again as the drug took full effect. His body, became heavy, muscles limp, and he slipped forward onto her shoulder. She pulled the key to the wrist chains lock from her pocket then gently released and lowered him to the ground, sliding him to rest against the steel wall.

She had 36 minutes.

In 36 minutes he would be awake and she was sure he would try and come after her. She had no time to waste if she and her fathers team were going to get far enough away so that he couldn't find her. So that her team would be safe.

There was no time. But she took a minute anyway.

She ran her fingers over the sharp angles of his jaw. She traced the outline of his lips, his eyebrows. Her thumbs wiped at the tear trails on his cheeks. She soothed the sweat from his troubled brow. Her knuckles brushed against the roughness of his stubble. Once again, she wished he'd open his eyes for a moment so she could see there deep blue hue just one more time. Her eyes drank him in. Memorizing him. Making sure she wouldn't forget.

Then she took a deep, shaky breath, squeezing her eyes shut, tight. She pulled up his hood, and stood.

She took a moment to gather herself back together and then walked towards the chair Digg was strapped to, furiously wiping at her face with the sleeve of her cotton sweater. It didn't do much good because new tears quickly raced out to fill the spots of those that had already fallen.

Her grief cleared for a second as she approached. Making no attempt to untie his bound arms, she instead cataloged his wounds. His right eye was swollen shut almost completely. A deep gash, still weeping blood near his left ear. Dark bruises were scattered out around his head and neck area and a drying trail of blood ran from his likely broken noise to stain his shirt. And that was only what she could see.

She knew he had seen everything...heard everything, but neither of them spoke just yet.

She simply pulled off her sweater and began using the clean edges to dab at the still seeping wounds on his face. He looked up at her silently as she pressed the balled material to a particularly nasty cut near his swollen right eye.

More tears had escaped now. They trailed slowly down her pale cheeks and dripped onto Diggs jean-clad leg. She noticed a few had escaped his eyes as well.

"Always taking care of us, huh?"

"Yup," she sniffed then shot him a watery smile, "That's my job."

"Felicity..."

She interrupted him before he could even get started.

"John, when he wakes up. Make sure he understands. Don't let him come after me."

He let out a short, sudden snort of laughter, looking up at the roof the rundown building, shaking his head. "Yeah, fat chance of that!"

"John!" She used her hand not holding the material to his eye to turn his face back to hers. "I'm not kidding. This is important. You have to make him understand! He will kill him if he comes after me! He won't even think twice. Do you get it?"

"I get it, but you don't. Felicity you're important. To me, to our team, and to him. Wether he admits it or not, most especially to him. I'm not going to be able to stop him from coming."

It was her turn to look up in frustration now.

"Well then I'll just have to be sure he won't find me."

"He won't stop looking. He'll take all the blame and he'll run himself and all of us into the ground trying to get you back."

"Well," she said dejectedly, looking at him again, "At least you be alive."

"But at what cost Felicity."

"Just me. There are a million smart IT girls in the world. Heck, maybe you can even find an IT boy. Then you could train him too and he could be a bigger asset to the team, or at least defend himself. Imagine how helpful it would be to have a person on the coms, good with technology and could kick butt. Someone who's not just a vulnerability...a liability."

"Felicity. You are not just anything. I told you you are irreplaceable-"

"And I love you for saying that Digg. You are always in my corner."

"Theres nowhere else to be."

"But that doesn't make it true. It doesn't make me important, Digg. You, Oliver, Roy even Laurel. You are all so strong and so brave. This city, this world...they need you. They need the Arrow. That's whats irreplaceable."

"How are you both so blind?" Digg questioned.

Ignoring that statement, she pressed on to make her case.

"I cant fight or shoot arrows or leap buildings or prosecute criminals. I'm not fast or great with one of those stick thingies y'all are always whacking each other with. And lets face it, I've got a gym membership that I never use, so I'm not strong physically at all really."

She paused to sign, "But I am brave. And this is the way I can be strong Digg. A different kind of strong than you all. But still strong. And besides, it's my life. My choice. Remember?"

Digg never really said a lot. He didn't have the curse of over speaking like she did. But what he said always proved decisive and sure. This time was no different.

"This will destroy him." He said.

"You won't let it. I believe in you, Digg. All of you. Team Arrow will be just fine."

"Not Team Arrow, Felicity. Not the hood. I'm talking about Oliver. Oliver the person." The one who depends on you, who trusts you, who loves you. This will destroy him."

And what could she say to that. She didn't know what else to say. She just knew what she had to do. So she took her cell phone from her back pocket laid it on the ground. She also took off the earrings Oliver had given her for her birthday last year. The ones she wore everyday that contained the small tracking device she wasn't suppose to know about.

"I'm not going to talk you out of this, am I?" Digg asked as she finished.

"No."

"You're a stubborn as he is you know."

She almost smiled.

"I've called Laurel. She's on her way to help. She'll be here in 15 minutes."

The chair he was strapped to is bolted down and with the states he's in, she thinks it will hold him long enough. She drops to her knees next to him and unties just one of his hands to be safe. She notices the bruising on his knuckles and she sees the wedding band he's started wearing again. She sees the fresh ink of the name inscribed on his wist. Akin. His son. The son he would live to see grow and thrive. The name meant brave. Seeing it gave her the courage to be just that.

She brought his battered hand up for a gentle kiss and then lifted it to take her spot, pressing on his wound.

Standing and taking a step back she said, "Just...just help him Digg. Okay? And be safe. Promise me?"

"I'll do my best. You promise me you'll be safe too."

She made no promises as she turned to walk away. She only said what she knew.

"He won't kill me. I know it."

"There are things worse than death Felicity."

She stopped to look back at them both once more. Her boys.

"I know."

Her eyes lingered on Oliver a bit too long. He's still unconscious, a for a minute she wonders if kissing him, if telling him has only made this worse. But she knows no matter how this had ended, loosing him was a fate worse than death. And if keeping them all alive meant that this was all she ever had of him, then it was enough. One kiss one whispered declaration in a dilapidated steel building would have to be enough. Because it was all there was now.

Turning back to Digg she added, "I love you too, you know."

Digg managed to smile at her. "I do know that."

She managed to smile back.

She turned.

And then she was gone.

Felicity Smoke went out of their lives, almost a suddenly and surprisingly as she came.