Fingers. I rub my thumb over the jagged lines. Each notch a different psycho, each notch our relationship growing. The more I feel this living thing the more anger that bubbles up. Mal was dead. Gone. Deceased. But this tree that doesn't speak or feel or hold or care is living. It takes up space and takes in air and sunlight and can feel a human's touch. But the man that I love is six feet under ground and will never feel again. He'll never see our baby girl's birth or our son's second birthday. He won't see this tree grow and be cut down for the new mall. Mal won't see the next sunset or the Chinese food we would eat every friday night. I can feel this scars this tree wears but I'll never fell the rough lines of Mal's skin again.

Fist. My hands bleed red and the pain is biting but again again I throw all my might into the punches against this tree. That burgundy liquid reminds me of his last moment. The ringing of a gun and the screech of my name. The thump of a 39 year old man crumpling on the ground. My own screams reverberating off the warehouse walls. His weak murmur of I love you. The color red. Red ground. Red blood. Red lights.

Fate. Mal begged me to go home and take it easy. Fighting killers isn't good for six onto pregnant woman to do. But I dragged him into that warehouse. It was supposed to be empty of people. It was supposed to have the dinner set up that I planed for us. Maria wanted to put grounds around but I said don't worry about it. I killed my husband.

I stared at the sky. This was our tree. We carved our names in it on our first official date and but a notch for each killer. I took out a knife and added one more notch. "Mal, I promised to love you until death do we part. Well, death has come and I'm not ready to part. I found the drug dealer that was in the warehouse, but it isn't enough my pet." A small smile plays at my lips as I recall his vehement hatred of that nickname for anything but animals. "I demanded that you go in there and now you can't go anywhere. I'm sorry that I was stubborn and because of me our kids will miss out on such an amazing man. I'm sorry that I denied your love for so long and it took almost loosing you once for me to see that I cared about you. Forgive me." I turned my back our tree and screamed. I cried. I shouted to the heavens. But in the end all I felt was empty. Mal's daughter kicked once. "I'm so sorry Mal."