Those Nine Years...

Here is the first chapter of my Logan and Veronica fan fiction. I love this relationship, and this fandom so much. I appreciate any reviews or comments. I state that I do not own any rights to these characters.

This story takes places over what could have happened over those nine years. At least my take. Enjoy.

Chapter One

Veronica:

The rain pitter pattered off the old panes of the windows. Everything here felt slightly more sophisticated, more refined. Which inadvertently made her feel like she did not belong. Life in a west coast beach town, full of the gaudy sea life statues, and sketchy motels and store fronts to please the cheap tourists -That was her life before now. She had always dreamed of getting out of there, escaping with some shadow of her dignity left.

She furrowed her brow at the thought of dignity, still studying the falling rain drops. I may have escaped, but with dignity? That was questionable now. After costing her dad the election, her scandalous tape for everyone's viewing pleasure circulating Hearst, and pushing away everyone she had ever cared about? Yeah I would say dignity was far gone.

The rain lulled her, almost mesmerized her. It was always such an unusual sight for a rainstorm to sweep trough Neptune. The always sunny and perfect 70 degree weather almost had a way of making you feel like you were living a Ferris Bueller's day off- type of life. Most people would die to live in the climate, for her it had always been a sign of the way Neptune operated. We house low lives, murderers, hostile gangs and the occasional rapist but- "Come check us out, where the sun always shines".

Yeah sunshine didn't even describe the half of it.

Sure the weather in Stanford was still that of California weather. But something, everything abou here was different. Escaping the seedy beach town and entering a level of class that was not just deemed by the 09er zip code -She was occupying a different world now.

But today, it rained. Much like that fateful day when she realized that she had ruined everything. And that train of thought made her stomach clench with guilt, a solemn reminder that she cannot ever fully escape it. She shut her eyes to push the flashing memories aside, but it was no use, her nostalgia and guilt were taking over.

««

I felt my eyes on him, just studying his every movement as he moved out of the cafeteria. Still reeling from the fact that seconds before he had personally seen to the punishment of the videographer of my "greatest film"; I was always amazed at the way Logan operated. He was full of life and passion. No one could ever argue that. He lived life to the fullest, even if that meant he was living it to the fullest potential of mourning or revenge. But I liked him best when it was to love, but unfortunately few people were the recipients of that side.. But boy could he ever do that.

My heart tugged and all the emotions of anger and frustration faded slightly as I watched him apologize to Piz . Sure it was not the most eloquent apology I had ever heard, but still for him to apologize, he meant every word. He did not look back at me, he had fully gotten the message I had so forcefully shoved on him all this week. He was out of my life.

I could tell it had truly settled into his mind on his last attempt to make things right.

"Look, I apologize. I know I can be pretty dumb sometimes."

Something about how genuine he seemed made me even more mad. He was not getting back in, not this time. Some would say I was heartless. And though I wouldn't agree out loud, my inner self knows well that I can be the meanest to Logan than anybody. I could see him flinch a little, his brown eyes always gave a way his deep emotion though his face could stay emotionless. I had pushed hard enough this time and he was backing off. And what was worse is I knew he would. I knew he would do anything I wanted just to make me happy. Even if that meant saying goodbye.

But in usual Logan fashion he was not going out unnoticed. After all "Some one always has to pay right?". He was right, in he and I's world, that was an absolute truth. And sadly we had made the mistake time and time again- to make the other pay. I could tell Logan had grown past that with me- but me? Here in this moment I was proving I had not.

The whole scene honestly felt surreal. I am not sure why Logan Echolls getting into a fight while defending my honor would shock me. He had proven time and time again the lengths he would go to protect me, even if they were misguided at times. I truly in this moment, as I watched him pummel Gory to the ground, was overcome with the fact- that he had done it anyway. Despite how I pushed harder than ever. Despite how I warned him of Gory's connections. Despite that he knew he would gain nothing of it. He chose to protect me anyway-even when I was not choosing him.

"Yeah, someday." His cocky grin, the one that always managed to win my heart, was plastered on his face. The thing about Logan and me, the thing that has always scared me most is: with him I lose all control. With everyone else: Duncan, Troy, Leo and even Piz, I had a way of keeping my heart in check. But with Logan I had lost it from the very beginning, after all it was hard to control something that was not yours anymore.

The thought stunned me. First a since of awe flooded me, and then utter panic. No wonder, I thought, no wonder.

Duncan was my first boyfriend and I loved him, I did. Not in the epic, devastating, all consuming way that I did with Logan. But still it was there. My first go around with Duncan was such a token of a different time of life. Before Lilly was gone, before my dad lost everything, before my mom bailed. That version of me, well she has been gone awhile.

Logan and me were like mixing gasoline and fire. We were both full of passion whether it being encompassed in anger, hate, determination or love. We could't help but ignite when we came together, and we truly never were the same.

I did not want to see it at the time, but that is why it was never the same with Duncan. I kept trying to hold onto that former relationship, but truth was it was long gone. Now Piz- I feel the onset of reality hitting me. That no matter how much I do care or how close we are. He can't have my heart because it is not mine to give anymore.

I eyed his back as he walked away, a small smile of realization dawning on me before the ache took over. He and I would always love each other. But I knew it would never work, we would never be able to get past it all, no matter how hard we tried. The sickening feeling swept over me as I felt the color drain from my face, and in perfect timing my eyes connected to Piz. Judging by the way he was looking at me, he seemed to have had the same realization.

4 months and that look on his face is still sealed into my brain like it was yesterday. I guess that is what guilt will do to you, cause truth be told that is all that is left for him now. I hate that, because I know that the last thing he wants is my pity, but honestly how can I not feel that way? I was horrible to him.

I followed behind him several steps as he led us outside. I guess this conversation was not one that he wanted on full display.. who could blame him after our little "tape" and now my ex boyfriend making a scene in the cafeteria. I guess he wanted the break up to be at least private.

"So Veronica?" He lifted his eyebrows in a fake indifference. "Is there really anything left to say?"

I took a deep breath, as I stepped closer. His blue eyes flashed with pain the closer I got and he tried to look away and hide beneath the bangs that hung in his eyes. I could not find the words. I was not sure exactly what he had seen or what his interpretation was, but now in my heart I knew it was over.

He blew air out his nose, forcing his hands to his hips as he chuckled in the silence. "So is it just a you thing? Or just a you with Logan thing?"

I took the bait. "What do you mean?" I tried to keep my voice even and calm. After all I deserved whatever he threw my way.

"Do you always look at your ex boyfriends like they are your source of life?" He said it with a sarcastic tone, trying to make slight fun of me. I knew that truly that was exactly what his interpretations was, and honestly it was mostly true. "Cause if it is I have a problem with it, considering- considering I have never seen you look at me like THAT- ever." He pointed back toward the cafeteria in accusatory manner.

I looked down at my converse, looping my fingers through my belts loops as I hesitated. "Piz, I don't want to hurt you…"

He chuckled a little more and I looked up. If this was Piz mean it proved to me even more how nice of a guy he was, and how most people would want to admit me into an asylum for breaking up with him.

"You didn't want to hurt me but- because I am not a violent, trust fund kid with a privy to wasting my days away on a surf board and tendencies to do big gestures… then I am just not your type?" I flinched a little. "Oh wait that doesn't sound like a type Veronica. If it is then I know only one person who can meet its qualifications."

"It's complicated, it has always been complicated alright? What do you want me to say? I care for you, I wanted to date you, truly I did."

"Already speaking in past tense are we?"

"I think you and I both know that I am obviously not healthy enough to be in a relationship right now."

He crossed his arms protectively across his chest. "Yeah, with anyone but Logan Echolls."

I shook my head no in quick defensive motions. "No, no. That is not it at all." He rolled his eyes in return and I reached out to touch his arm but hesitated. "I have already tried that. Four times in fact. He and I just don't work. Not like that."

He seemed unconvinced. "Do whatever you want, Veronica. After all it is clear now that you are a free woman."

"Piz, I am telling the truth. You have to believe me."

"That is kind of hard right now, sorry."

I sighed, fighting the tears back. It was hard to be on the other end of a verbal lashing from someone like him. He was such a genuinely, good guy and to make him this upset- I must me horrible.

"I wasn't lying to you. I really did - do care for you. I just had no business dating- not after everything I have been through these last few years. It was just too soon."

He was softening a little but the hurt was still evident on his face. "What is it, Veronica? What is it about him that you just can't shake?"

I pulled my lips in as I looked at him. If I knew the answer to this question then my life would far easier. I shrugged, taking my stab at the question."We have known each other a long time. We both lost someone who we deeply loved and we both came from some messed up situations. His worse than mine, but still." My words did not seem to be making him feel any better. "Honestly, there are a million reasons and none of them are going to make this better. Sometimes you can't put words to something like that. A connection, is a connection. I am just sorry. Which I know is not good enough. And I am also sorry that I didn't meet you a few years in the future, once I had some distance from it. All I can ask is that you try to forgive me. Even if I do not deserve it."

"What? You want to be friends?"

I nodded, pushing through his poisonous tone and maintaining my cool. I wanted him to know that I did deeply desire to stay friends. "Yes, I would love that."

His face was emotionless now. "It's going to take some time.. If ever." I nodded in understanding. "So I guess you will be gone this summer?" He seemed conflicted about that.

"Yeah, I am."

"Well, I will see you in the fall."

He started to walk away and I called out, feeling my voice crack. "Piz, I really am sorry." He looked back for a moment and a slight sweetness returned to his face and then he was gone.

««

3 long months of summer and already a month here at Stanford and I still have not been able to completely leave those in my life behind. I mean sure I did not expect it to be easy. Honestly there was just one person in particular that I had to get far, far away from.

After the fateful day in the cafeteria, and soon finding out about my father's loss I felt the FBI internship encroaching upon me. Everyone knew I was going, was excited for me. Everyone except me. For some reason the luster of it all began to fade. What had driven me to want to pursue that route had been all the years of assisting my dad on cases and well, taking on a few of my own. I had lived and breathed it, truthfully I was addicted to it. The rush of taking down the person who was wrong, avenging those who had been mistreated. To me they all represented Lilly. I could not save her but I could help others. The criminals were Aaron, being brought to justice. Each case stood for a problem in my life that I had no control over. My rape, my mother's disappearance, the bullying. They even began to stretch to become the people I cared for's problems. My dad's unfair circumstances, Logan's abuse, Duncan having to run with his daughter. If I was not able to save them from those horrible fates- I could surely save others. I was in over my head, and that day in the cafeteria I realized that I was not only suffering for it, I was bringing the people I loved into it far too deep.

I looked at the heap of Gory laying in the floor, I was a 19 year old girl and had targeted one of the biggest secret circles in the nation, and in doing so probably pissed of a mobster family. But that wasn't just it, looking at Logan, who with full knowledge of who he was fighting chose to do it anyways. Because of me. I was his addiction. He would do anything to keep me safe. Even if that meant putting a target on his back.

The reflecting began as I watched Piz walk away. How many people had I hurt in the process? People close to me, people who were not even friends, as well. So many people had payed the price for my need of vengeance. When my father lost the election due to me, that was the last straw. Maybe the PI life really was not for me. It was costing me too much.

My father would hardly speak to me when he realized I was behind why he would never be sheriff again. Yet again he was let down by this world, the best man I know, and this time because of me. I knew I had disappointed him frequently because I took it too far. I had pushed Duncan away when I chose not to drop the investigation of Lilly's murder- I had even lost Logan as one of my best friends. There were countless times that I had pushed Wallace too far and my curiosity getting in the way of his mother and my father dating. The worst one of all is I knew, that my inability to stop had cost me Logan. And well that one stung the most.

After a few days of my phone off and sulking I decided to turn down the internship. I told my dad of course, and at first he did not seem too pleased- but when I explained that I wanted to leave "the chasing criminal" life style behind he could not argue. After all, he always deep down wanted that. I had already saved enough money for my stay in Virginia, so I decided to cash in on it. I had a bank account full of cash, no where to be, a dad who was barely speaking with me and friends who would bombard me with questions. So I left.

The only person I informed of my change in plans was my dad. Everyone else: Mac, Wallace, Logan, Piz, Weevil.. To them I was in Virginia.

I started out in Canada, I always wanted to visit and now I had the chance. Next stop was Colorado, then Florida. I even took a peak at Martha's Vineyard and ended up in New York City for a day.

««

My cell phone was burning a hole in my pocket today. I had rarely checked it on the trip, maybe twice a day to communicate with my dad and return the texts and calls to Mac and Wallace. I don't know if I was running from everyone or if it was the fact that every time I looked at it it reminded me that Logan had never called. Never texted.

I was ridiculous though right? I had told him he was out of my life, what else did I expect. He beat up a mobster kid for me and well, I never even checked on him. He was giving me space, just like I asked, and still I was upset.

Piz never called as well, not that I expected him to either. I had obliterated his heart before leaving. But he was the main reason my cell phone was taunting me today, here in the city. I knew he had taken the New York internship and I wanted to call badly,but I was scared. Maybe it would give him the wrong idea or hey, he may reject me. But honestly right now I was lonely and I needed a friend. After all we had worked much better as friends anyway.

I picked up the phone and selected the contact before I could talk myself out of it, the ringing tone went on and on and I knew I would go to voicemail- when I heard his familiar voice.

"Hey, Veronica." He didn't sound chipper but at least malice was not present.

"Hey, how's it going?"

"Oh you know, surviving the big apple and all."

"Yeah, speaking of which." I hesitated as I bit my lip. "I am actually in your stomping grounds."

His voice lit a little, I am sure at the hope that I had come to my senses. "Wait, you are here?"

I interjected quickly. "Yeah, well it is a long story but I have been on an "exploring" adventure and stopped in NY for a day. And well, I know you probably still hate me but I was wondering if we could meet for coffee?"

"How long you here for?"

I looked down at my watch. "Till 6. My flight leaves at 7:30. Flying back to dear, old Neptune."

He paused. "I never hated you."

"Well, I wouldn't blame you if you did."

He took a deep breath. "Are you available in say- 30 minutes?"

I smiled wide. "Yeah I can do that."

I beat him to the coffee shop and picked a corner table. I saw him before he made me out and I felt another smile stretch across my face. It was not one in sentiment towards our relationship, in fact what had struck me was how I truly could see him as a friend. The same guy I met on the first ay of school. I stood slowly, feeling unsure, after all who was to say he felt the same. He saw me, his eye darkening for a moment before he smiled, quickening his pace and reaching in for a hug. We didn't hold it long and stared awkwardly at each other for a moment. He tried his bets to cover up his emotions but I could size up that it wasn't as resolved as it was to me.. To me he could be a friend again, he seemed on the fence.

He looked confused as we sat down. "So, Veronica, Virginia?"

I shook my head tracing the cup. "Yeah, I decided to pass."

His face fell a little, I wasn't sure why. "I have to ask, why? You were so excited."

"Yeah, things change. I realized that "that life" was not healthy for me. It had cost me a lot. Friendships mainly." I smiled making my point and he returned it. "But, you and my dad are the only ones that know. I needed some time to think and to not have others questioning me. So I selfishly took off on my own adventure. To sort through things."

He nodded seeming unsure of what to say. "Well, are you happy?"

"Getting there." I smirked. "I ended up here and well I know it is another selfish move on my part, but- I was hoping I could see a friend. Any chance I still have one named Stosh Piznarski? Those are very hard to find."

He looked down for a moment thumbing the table. "Well, I would say yes, but your greatest use to me was your PI skills." He clicked his tongue against his cheek and I busted out into laughter. "No, Veronica, we are good." He trailed off. "I have done a bit of discovering of my own this summer and I get it. I may not completely understand, but I get it. And it would be a shame if we wasted a great friendship, especially seeing each other at school all the time."

I gritted my teeth. "Actually, here is another secret."

He seemed instantly more burdened. "Wallace is going to kill me huh?"

She nodded. "I am not going back to Hearst. I am enrolled in Stanford."

Piz had taken the news in stride. I could see his disappointment, but also relief. I am sure hearing that you didn't have to see you ex constantly did relieve a load. We didn't meet long, just discussed his love of NY, and the opportunities that were coming and I smiled, feeling overcome with happiness to see his spark back. I was glad I had not taken it from him forever, like one boy I knew.

I did not arrive in Neptune until early into the next morning, and I was surprised when my dad was at the gate wearing an actual smile. I had to restrain myself from running to him at full speed. I leaned in for a tentative hug and he pulled me close, bear hugging me

"Oh baby girl, you are back." He said sweetly in my ear.

My mouth hung open in shock as I wrapped my arms around him tight, fighting back a few tears. "Yeah. I am."

He pulled back looking solemn, but relieved at what he said next. "But not for long."

I shook my head. "Nope."

He grabbed my chin. "It is the right move. It is. You deserve so much more than this place and I have to offer you."

"Dad, you have given me everything."

He looked at me with a world of emotion and wrapped his arm around me. "Let's go find those bags of yours."

««

I had two weeks, two weeks to gather 19 years of life's earnings and to break the news to my friends. Mac took it better than Wallace. She said she got it, but I could still see that she was upset. Wallace displayed a wider range of emotions, which I expected, but truth was he and I- we had been through a lot together. He finally came around, I think he too saw that me getting out of Neptune was the best option for me. Weevil, seemed relieved, his reaction the most shocking. He told me to go and never look back, and something about the advice made it all too real. Was I saying goodbye forever?

Logan. Oh Logan. He was the one I was avoiding. Thankfully we hardly ran in the same circles anymore. Mac had distanced herself after Parker and well, we all know his relationship with Weevil and Wallace. I didn't know how to break the news to him, that Neptune would be in my rearview mirror soon. Partly I knew he would take it the hardest, but I think deep down I knew he was the only one who could convince me to stay- and that frightened me.

«

One week was left and I decided to take a stroll on the beach. I hadn't been here all summer and even though I wasn't a big "beach goer", some pretty special memories were held here. Mostly with Lilly, Duncan and Logan. It was funny, how I had managed to lose all of them somehow. Lilly was brutally ripped from me, Duncan and I grew a part for the best, but Logan- he was the one who ended up meaning the most and the only one that I intentionally pushed away. I clenched my hands around my arms as I crossed them across my chest.

"Chuckles, back from Virginia I see."

I couldn't see him, but I knew that voice anywhere. It had the ability to send electricity through me like no other. Even though running into him was the last thing I had wanted, I could not help and smile, because I always wanted to see him- always.

I turned to face him. "Hey, Logan."

He stepped closer placing his board to his side. Seeing him excited me- even with all that stood between us I never got tired of the butterflies that multiplied at one glimpse of him. His hair was disheveled from the waves and water droplets still were dripping from his face. This was the way I would always envision him in my head. That thought made my chest sink.

"Did you nail any serial killers or terrorists to the wall this summer?" His eyes lit with expectancy, but he seemed reserved like he was unsure of how to act.

"No, it was pretty boring."

He stepped a little closer and the wind picked up- catching a hint of his cologne and the mix of sea water. It made me ache with desire.

"You? Boring? Never." His trademark smirk was now taking over his face.

I crossed my arms again, using my feet to draw lines in the sand as I studied them. "Actually, I did not go to Virginia after all."

I peered up and he looked stunned. Hurt- was there at first but he pushed through it, forcing his always ready smile. He knew how to do that so well, fake through with a smile plastered to his face. I spoke before he could.

"I actually kind of decided to leave all that behind. You know my "sleuthing" as you call it."

I saw relief wash through his liquid brown eyes. He always had worried about me. "Well, I can't say that that doesn't make me feel a tad relieved. But I have to say even more worried. You said 'It was you and that was never changing'."

I hated how he was the only one to call me on it. Even dad wanted to desperately believe that this was what I really wanted. And I did. Didn't I?

"Well, I guess I realized it had cost me too much and the people I care about." His face lit up and I could see the hope rising that maybe, maybe I was coming back to him. "So, how was your summer?" I smiled, changing the subject.

"Well, pretty boring." He ran his hands through his hair like he always did. "I actually took a summer class." He said knowing I would be proud. I was. "Dick got back from his vacation with his dad and we did end up hitting Brazil for a few weeks. I just got back."

The quiet moments between us could always be so loaded, like we were saying a hundred things without words. I looked at him feeling myself dread the goodbye that I knew was coming. I knew I would have to tell him, but I knew it couldn't be today. I still had a week and that was plenty of time for him to talk me out of it. No, it would have to wait.

"Well, my dad is expecting me."

He nodded seeming to hate to see me go. "Yeah. Well tell him hi for me."

"Will do." I walked past him and our shoulders brushed.

"I heard about you and Piz." He said as I passed. I turned around and he looked at me with care, the only person who could quite make me feel like he saw me to my core. "I am sorry, Veronica. I really am."

I nodded. "Me too."

He looked down grabbing his board, pain was evident on his face even from his profile. He had read into my words and truthfully I had wanted him to. I was sorry about Piz, maybe not in the way he was now thinking, but in the way I had handled it all. But right now I had to keep Logan at arms length. It was for his good and mine.

««

The rain cleared and I sighed with relief. Just in time for my walk to class. I had scored and gotten a spacious dorm room with a girl who was quiet and well, never here. She spent most nights at her senior boyfriends apartment and well that left the place to me.

I loved the campus, it had such history and I reveled in the fact that I was becoming a small part of it. Four weeks here had been freeing and I even was leaning towards a major. I was still staying with Criminology but in hopes of entering law school after my three years here. It was a good way to fight the fight without getting my hands dirty, if you will. My dad had called every night and I did miss him dearly and our small apartment. I even missed Backup curled up around my ankles at night while I slept. I missed everyone. I spoke with Mac and Wallace frequently and Piz had even called once. The only person I couldn't bring myself to talk with was him. That isn't to say that he had not tried to make contact.

To say that he had not handled me leaving well would be an understatement. He reacted worse than I anticipated, but how could I even prepare myself for it. I had not handled it well, and as usual Logan Echolls was collateral damage in my wake. I felt myself cringe at the thought.

««

My flight was in 2 hours and here I was standing outside of his suite. I had literally waited till the last minute to say my goodbye and I began to doubt my decision. I knocked on the door for the hundredth time and realization set in -that this was it. He wasn't home and I was leaving in just a few hours. This was our goodbye.

I hesitantly reached into my bag and pulling out the familiar room key from my wallet. I fingered it with care and all the memories tied to it came back slowly. I choked back tears as I put it into the slot one last time and watched the light blink green.

I had been right no one was home as I was greeted by darkness. I flicked on the lights, far too familiar with where each switch was. The room was clean, all except a few stray beer cans. I smiled when I passed the game cube and gently touched it. I had a stare down with his room doors, feeling like I was invading his privacy, but everything in me screaming for one last connection. I pushed through them remembering each time I had done it before.

Some of them filled with memories of sneaking in and waking him up. Many a times me charging in without a hello, immediately informing him of my current case as he eyed me adoringly from his bed. The fights and the make ups. They were all here, right in this room. The last time now registered as I remembered every word I said.

"We tried to be friends, and it didn't work. This is the moment Logan, where it is juts done. You are out of my life for good."

Just hearing the words play back in my head made me flinch. I had been cruel. I traced my finger along the bed and stared at his stray belongings placed along the nightstand. It all hit me in one motion. This would be the last time I was ever here, ever in his world, in his space. Because I had to let him go. If I ever loved him I had to.

I pulled open the nightstand looking for stationary and my hand pulled back. A framed picture of us was placed in the drawer. I resisted the urge to pick it up, to study it. But everything in me burnt to feel those emotions again. To be close to him.

Resolve filled me as I picked up the Grand Stationary and I began to write the Dear John letter. I am sure a letter he could place in the mental keepsake box that housed a thousand painful memories. Now he could add me to the list. He would never understand that I was trying to protect him. No he would probably hate me forever.

Logan,

I do not really know how to start this letter. By time you get it I will be gone. Truthfully I have not known how to break this news to you and honestly I knew if I told you that you could talk me out of it.

Here is your room key back. It houses a great many memories for me and I will always have them. You are my oldest friend. And I will always say you are. Truth is we grew up together and helped each other through the worst of the worst. We played out each other's purpose in the other's life. We carried the other, we were the surviving grace, but now. Now we have to let go. I know if I stay here I will never be able to. And I know you would be the same way.

You wont understand this and honestly I don't completely as well. All I know is I have to find a different life. I have to escape. I always intended to, that was the plan. I should have. It would have spared us both a lot of pain.

I am sorry, Logan. I truly am. And I am sorry I did not get to say goodbye in person.

Take care- Veronica

I left it on the nightstand along with the key and walked out, never looking back.