Just a humorous little one shot that popped into my head. It was suggested to me a long, loooooong time ago when I was working on Mischief Managed last year.
This is written for:
.Oh the Thinks You Can Think Challenge - Thing One and Thing Two
Be Our Guest
"I must say, this is either the stupidest or most hilarious idea that I have ever heard," a boy with fiery red hair announced, leaning back in the matching Gryffindor armrest to grin at his twin.
"Oh, shut up, Fred," George snapped. "You know it'll be fun. Besides, half of Hogwarts will be so bloody confused about what is happening."
Fred grinned. "I'm surprised you even knew about this. I mean, we are purebloods after all. Who told you?"
"Hermione, of course. She mentioned one of her favorite childhood fairytales – Beauty and the Beast, I think it was. I went and watched it and honestly, Fred, this is so great." George grinned.
"Well, if you're sure…" At George's wicked grin, Fred stood up from his armchair. "Come on, then, Forge, we've got work to do!"
oOoOo
After carefully ticking the pear in the portrait, Fred and George slipped unnoticed into the kitchen. A multitude of house elves suddenly appeared in front of them, begging to be of service.
"Well, could you show us to where all the dishes and silverware for the Great Hall are kept? Don't worry; we won't do anything major. It's just a little fun."
With a bit of magic, everything was set for the next day. The twins ran back to Gryffindor tower and retired to their dormitory.
"Wait! Where are we going to get a candelabra?"
"Oh Merlin. How good are you at conjuring?"
oOoOo
The next morning, Fred and George barely contained their excitement as they made their way down to breakfast in the Great Hall. They seated themselves at the Gryffindor table as they did every morning and waited for the moment when it would all begin.
The headmaster rose from his chair, causing the Great Hall to fall quiet out of respect and anticipation for what the old man would say. Dumbledore opened his mouth to speak, but before he could, one of the large, lighted candles hanging near the ceiling of the Hall flew down and landed on the Head Table.
Fred punched his brother in the arm. "Clever."
Dumbledore continued to stare at the lit candle before him. He moved to speak again, but the candle suddenly jumped to life again. It grew a face and suddenly began to speak in a grand voice.
"My dear Headmaster," it began, bowing deeply, "it is with deepest pride and greatest pleasure that we – I – welcome you this . . . morning. And now we invite you to relax, let us pull up a chair as the Great Hall proudly presents – your breakfast!"
The candle stepped out of the way with a flourish, leaving the Headmaster with a remarkably confused expression.
"I – " the man started, alternating between staring at the talking candle and the students seated before him.
Down at the Gryffindor table, the twins grinned to themselves. "Here it comes."
With a clash, all the food on the students' and teachers' plates suddenly vanished as the dishes themselves jumped to attention. Plates and goblets jumped and rolled around on the tables as they began singing in loud voices.
"Be our guest! Be our guest!
Put our service to the test
Tie your napkin 'round your neck, Cherie
And we'll provide the rest!"
The candle jumped back in front of Dumbledore with wax arms full of a large silver platter.
"Soup du jour?
Hot hors d'oeuvres?
Why, we only live to serve!
Try the grey stuff."
Professor Snape, who looked rather taken aback at the scene in front of him, stiffened as his mug jumped up and added,
"It's delicious!"
The candle took over again.
"Don't believe me? Ask the dishes!
They can sing, they can dance!
After all, Sir, this is France!"
Dumbledore's faint murmur of "This is Scotland" was quickly overtaken by the continued singing of the burning stick of wax in front of him.
"And a breakfast here is never second best!
Go on, unfold your menu
Take a glance and then you'll
Be our guest!
Oui, our guest!
Be our guest!"
The plates and goblets in the rest of the Great Hall joined in in singing.
"Beef ragout!
Cheese soufflé!
Pie and pudding 'en flambé!'"
The rest of the dishes fell silent as the candlestick continued solo in front of the Headmaster once again.
"We'll prepare and serve with flair
A culinary cabaret!
You're alone
And you're scared
But the banquet's all prepared!
No one's gloomy or complaining
While the flatware's entertaining!
We tell jokes! I do tricks!"
It did a back flip right then and there as if to prove its point. Professor McGonagall clutched her chest as the candlestick flew through the air and continued to sing.
"With my fellow candlesticks!"
The rest of the candles dropped closer to the students and sprouted faces. They all began singing with the help of the dishes once again.
"And it's all in perfect taste
That you can bet
Come on and lift your glass
You've won your own free pass
To be our guest!"
The candlestick slid in front of Professor Snape and leaned in close as he quietly sang.
"If you're stressed,
It's fine breakfast we suggest!"
Snape scowled as the dishes in the Great Hall joined in the chorus again. By now, a few Muggleborns had caught on and were either laughing hysterically or singing along with their friends.
"Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!
Get your worried off your chest!
Let us say for your entrée
We've an array; may we suggest:
Try the bread! Try the soup!
When the croutons loop de loop!
It's a treat for any breakfast
Don't believe me? Ask the china!
Singing pork! Dancing veal!
What an entertaining meal!
How could anyone be gloomy and depressed?
We'll make you shout 'encore!'
And send us out for more!
So, be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!"
The tea pot sitting harmlessly in front of Professor McGonagall jumped to life again as it began singing on its own. The candlestick smiled at it in a friendly manner and danced along smoothly.
"It's a guest! It's a guest!
Sakes alive, well I'll be blessed!
Wine's been poured and thank the Lord!
I've had the napkins freshly pressed
With desert, he'll want tea
And, my dear, that's fine with me!
While the cups do their soft-shoein'
I'll be bubbling, I'll be brewing
I'll get warm, piping hot
Heaven's sakes! Is that a spot?
Clean it up! We want the company impressed!"
The candlestick produced a small rag and cleaned the blemish. The rest of the dishes sang,
"We've got a lot to do!"
The teapot leaned closer to Dumbledore and asked,
"Is it one lump or two?
For you, our guest!"
Dumbledore looked unmistakably amused as the dishes and teapot alternated singing,
"He's our guest!
He's our guest!
He's our guest!
Be our guest! Be our guest! Be our guest!"
The candlestick stepped forward again and added,
"Life is so unnerving
For a servant who's not serving
He's not whole without a soul to wait upon
Ah, those good old days when we were useful…
Suddenly those good old days are gone!
Ten years we've been rusting
Needing so much more than dusting!
Needing exercise, a chance to use our skills!
Most days we just lay around the castle
Flabby, fat, and lazy!
You walked in and oops-a-daisy!"
The dishes all jumped up a final time and raised the volume of their singing as they approached the end of their song.
"Be our guest! Be our guest!
Our command is your request!
It's been years since we've had anybody here
And we're obsessed
With your meal, with your ease
Yes, indeed, we aim to please
While the candlelight's still glowing
Let us help you, we'll keep going
Course by course, one by one
'Til you shout, 'Enough! I'm done!'
Then we'll sing you off to sleep as you digest
Tonight you'll prop your feet up
But for now, let's eat up
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Be our guest!
Please, be our guest!"
With a crash, all the dishes resumed to their original positions on the tables and the candles flew back up to their positions above the Great Hall. Students and teachers alike sat in astonished silence as the Headmaster stood speechless before them.
Fred and George high-fived discreetly under the table as Dumbledore turned to Snape and whispered, "If I start talking, do you think they'll start singing again?"
Snape, eyes flashing in warring annoyance and amusement, intoned, "I should hope not, Albus." He cast a wary glance at the candles floating high above them once again.
The Headmaster rose to his feet again and opened his mouth to speak, keeping an eye on the flickering lights near the ceiling. When none swooped down to cut him off, he began to speak.
"I do not begin to wonder who is responsible for this," the old man began, turning his amused gaze on the Gryffindor table. "I thank you for an enjoyable breakfast, dear boys. In spite of that, I do happen to have a few announcements for you this fine morning."
He listed off a few new notices about Quidditch and classes before returning to his seat and beginning to pile food onto his plate once again.
Meanwhile, Harry was staring at the twins with barely contained amusement in his emerald eyes. "I don't even – Beauty and the Beast? How did you manage to learn about that?"
Fred looked at the Boy-Who-Lived mischievously. "If we betray our secrets, how will we ever continue to maintain the element of surprise?"
Harry laughed and reached out toward the waffles in front of his plate before pausing. "Will the food start singing too? May I eat my breakfast now?"
George laughed loudly. "Be our guest!"
I can't say I write humor very often. I hope that this didn't turn out too badly. Lol.
The song that appears in this is, of course, "Be Our Guest" from Disney's Beauty and the Beast. It does not belong to me. I did change it a bit here and there to fit the story though (mainly just because it's breakfast and, ahem, Dumbledore is not a woman).
If you'd be so kind as to drop me a review (since I'm procrastinating studying for my math test for this), I'd be forever grateful. :)