Hello everyone!

Sorry about the delay. I have been so taken with real, boring life, and an original project of mine that I never managed to finish writing this story the way I meant to. I still haven't, but I wrote this months ago and I think that it's still better than ending the story on chapter 3. So here it is.

(If you're interested in beta-ing my original story (young adult, supernatural stuff), please write to me, I need all the help I can get.)

4 –

Kirk was taking care of paperwork in his ready room when Spock decided it was time for a talk. The Captain had been expecting his second in command well before that little kidnapping stunt; he had quickly guessed that Spock's touch-telepath skills had allowed him to sense his anxiety following the Bridge nightmare incident. Jim had always managed to keep this part of his life - Tarsus - private, never confiding in anyone about it, and he certainly wouldn't start now because of a nightmare, so he tried to keep his distance as much as possible. Unfortunately, Spock was way above average intellect-wise, and though the Captain was convinced his crewmate and friend hadn't seen what was in his memories, he also knew he had felt the consequences of said memories on him. Having to always keep a safe distance between him and his second was difficult, and having all of his crew wondering what the hell was wrong with him did nothing to help. He stuck with the lie stating he didn't remember what he'd dreamt of on the bridge even though it was absolutely not credible anymore since Sulu admitted remembering his experience vividly. What should he have told them anyways? It wasn't one terrible memory he'd relived in those few minutes he'd been unconscious in the safety of his own ship's bridge, it was months of them.

Whatever drug they'd been given by those crazy scientists, it was powerful and it worked. Despite the years that had passed, he had been brought back there. He had fought and bit and clawed like an animal to save his kids' lives, he had been so hungry he felt it in his bones, he'd been so angry he almost killed his innocent best friend. And despite everything, despite the experience, despite being wiser and smarter than he'd been as a teenager, he had failed again. Losing his friends one by one until they were only a handful left and his soul was too dry to cry and be sad anymore anyway. That's what Bones, Spock and the others had wanted to know when they'd asked what he'd seen in his dreams, and those were the words he'd never say in his life.

Jim knew, he knew, he could trust them all. Bones was the best friend he'd ever had, even closer than his actual brother, they knew each other's character, flaws and qualities like the back of their hands. And Spock was, well, Spock was starting to become so necessary to him on the Enterprise (his one true love), that he was almost like part of his own self: in turn a right arm, a conscience, or a reasonable counterweight to his craziness. His whole crew was tighter than a family (or at least, than his), and they were simply brilliant, so yes, he already trusted them with his life. But he would still never share this with them.

It wasn't a question of trust; it was a question of identity. He never intended to hide Tarsus from the world as if it was his dirty little secret. He was not responsible of what had happened there so he wasn't ashamed. But everything about his experience on that colony had both broken something he was and made what he became; it had been a complete destruction of his whole self and the making of a new one. Not better, not worse, just different, and sharing this would be like stripping out of his skin before everyone to unveil some deep, intimate truth: impossible and unnatural.

So when Spock walked in and admitted he had put two and two together and believed he knew what memory had resurfaced as a nightmare, Jim only listened.

"Medical studies have proven on multiple occasions that recounting a traumatizing experience – or confiding, as most humans would say – facilitates and speeds up recovery. My only hope is that you are aware that I, both as your First Officer and as your friend, am always available if you desire to share what happened. I believe that most members of the crew, Doctor McCoy in particular, feel the same, although they don't know as much about the particulars as I do. Allow me to add that although I have not experienced the same thing as you have and can hardly know exactly what you feel, I have survived the destruction of my home planet and all of its inhabitants, as you know."

"Commander," Jim interrupted with a smile of affection rather than humor, "you know I am here if you ever feel the need to talk about Vulcan, but I can see you are uncomfortable mentioning it right now and I don't want you to bring it up for my sake. I thank you for the studies you sent me, and I believe you when you say confiding helps getting over trauma, but I assure you I have nothing to get over."

Spock was obviously not convinced, raising that right eyebrow of his dubiously.

"You may or may not know a fragment of my past, but you certainly don't know my story and how it makes me feel." Seeing that he was about to be interrupted, Jim raised a hand, still calm and collected. "I know you have been sensing some bad things lately, but those are brought by a drug that worsen your feelings and play with your emotions. I can assure you that the original feelings have been dealt with the proper way and don't concern anyone but me anymore."

Understanding that he wouldn't get anything more than those words, Spock took a step back and nodded.

"Lieutenant Sulu has been back to normal for days now, but you continue avoiding me, which means you haven't," the half-Vulcan still noted.

"The drugs have been washed-out, it's now only a question of forgetting again. Unfortunately, I have never been really good at that, what with my genius brain and all," he winked. "I don't forget things, I take everything I can use from them and then I store them away. Time will do its job, and the memories will find their drawer in my internal storage room," he tapped his temple with a finger.

Spock nodded again, but he didn't retreat. He wore his thoughtful expression, the one that was not a frown but would have been if he'd allowed himself to have full facial expressions.

"Anything else on your mind, Spock?"

"I don't believe I have ever felt as powerfully as you have. The force of it, when I touched you as you dreamt, was staggering. And again, as you fought our captors, I felt it wash over you without needing to make contact with your skin, it was so strong."

"That's just how humans feel things, I guess," Jim shrugged.

"No, Jim, allow me to inform you that I've studied and been around humans most of my life, and that is not their norm."

Behind his desk, Kirk's eyes were locked on Spock, considering what he was saying. He knew the half-Vulcan had always had trouble accepting he did have feelings, so he could understand why it bothered him so much if he really had never felt anything like that.

"That's just how I feel then."

Jim wished his friend had sensed other kind of emotions. He had felt more hurt in his life than most people would in their added lifetimes, he had felt pain and burning fear, he had known starvation, torture and burdening responsibilities – all of it before he'd hit fifteen. But the misery of a few months didn't define the whole of what he was. That wasn't all he experienced with passion. If Jim felt with excess, then it engulfed the affection and loyalty he had for his friends, the pride he felt for his position, the respect he appreciated his crew with. It covered the excessive will to survive anything and to surpass himself to be better, stronger, smarter – not for him, but for others.

Then again, those feelings pushed him everyday to Captain his ship, to do his best, to be there for his crew… his only hope was that Spock and the others wouldn't need telepath skills to sense it. As long as he had the Enterprise, he would show them everyday until they could see it with their eyes.

Thank you, reviewers, followers and favoriters. I hope this helped bringing closure.