Author's Note: In light of the subject of the short and the happy news of the sequel, here is that "Happy Birthday" poem.
One
When first we met, you were small,
A softly sleeping little doll
Chubby hands, bright cheeks, red hair,
A neat picture you made there
Sweetness and calm quiet met gentle and mild
I thought you like me, one more docile child
Then an eye opened, just a peek
And through your face I heard you speak
"So this is the world! What sights, what sounds, what colors, what a start!"
Your eyes fell upon mine, filled with gaiety, laughter, and heart
Oh Anna, I was there to see your first smile, a merry grin
And soon I found growing on my own lips its eager twin
I held my place, my breathless pose
Until your weary eyes did close
You slipped away, you stilled and slept
And up to your side I crept
I touched your hand; you held mine
As tight as one could, a wondrous sign
Of blessings, not curses, sent from above
And Anna…
That day, I fell in love.
Three
You totter, you wobble, your legs fail
Have no fear! I'll catch you, I'll keep you, I'll save you
Right you, guide you, kiss you when you wail
Big sister is here; stand on my feet, we'll walk true
Shaky steps? No longer. Look at us fly!
You'll learn to run, you'll yearn to run
And we'll be little terrors, you and I
The world is ours, for play, for fun
Schemes and dreams we'll have, whispers at night
Our adventures, waiting for flight
Nothing will break us, nothing will come between
You, my little princess, and I, your loving queen.
Five
Oh…oh God, Anna…I…
I am so, so sorry.
Seven
A year passes. Two.
What is another year?
A year is nothing more than a moment,
A flutter of a bird's wing
The blink of an eye
A year is over in a second
It flashes into and out of being
Who knows it was even here?
A year is a small slice of oblivion
No longer than a breath
It hardly exists
What is another year?
Nothing more than an eternity,
When without you.
Nine
One more year.
Still, I am here, and you are there.
Still, I turn away, I turn my back on you, I hide these hands from your sight.
Still, I stay within these four walls that creep ever closer.
Still, I do nothing and believe I do everything; everything, except live.
Still, I am growing colder, quieter, feeble.
The light sputters against the wind. I have no one to tend to it. My hands would snuff it out.
The darkness is my home, solitude my house, isolation my realm.
And as I sit beside my two companions,
With shame shrieking at my right,
And guilt sniveling on my left,
I long for a third.
Eleven
Marks on the doorway, inching up
New shoes, new dresses, new you
Same smiling eyes, same hopeful knock, same sweet laughter
Hold tight to your heart! I have let mine fall
It lies at your feet, dashed to pieces
Each fracture lined with despair
Each one a stain, dripping upon the stitches that hold me together
When will they fail? When will I break?
Would you catch me?
I could not ask that of you.
Thirteen
Memories line the halls and stalk my footsteps
They poison me with happiness, beat me with joy
Felicity scars me, elation blinds me, delight cripples me
I barely make it back alive.
The door, the door, the blasted, blessed, vile sanctuary shuts them out, holds them at bay
They scream and cry and beg and moan to be let in oh please won't you let us in?
They wail, they howl, they sob.
And knock.
And knock.
And knock.
Fifteen
You wear black. I do not.
You stand alone. I do not.
You face death. I do not.
You are strength. You are courage. You are pride.
I am fear. I am cowardice. I am defeat.
I am alone.
A mountain is crushing me. A wire is choking me. A love is killing me.
You could leave. You could go. You could live.
But you do none of these things.
Instead, you do the most incredible, most powerful, most beautiful thing of all.
You stay.
Seventeen
A life held back.
Is it mine or yours?
A lifetime on one side of the door.
Which was better off?
The taste of happiness.
Do you remember it?
Of course not. I have stolen even that from you.
Would you want to?
"Wouldn't you?"
I cannot answer that.
Eighteen
The gates fall from their hinges
The ice seeps from the banks
The secrets scurry off into the shadows as the Sun rises when you stand
The world trembles at your feet as I look up and am blinded
Radiant, triumphant, alive
Your eyes, so much like a child's in the face of a woman, burn away the fear
Your hands, small and warm and shaking with power, cover the shame
Your smile
Anna, your smile
I remember your smile
I remember everything
It swirls inside of me, every memory, every look, every emotion and need and regret and desire
I am a storm that twists and contorts on the point of a pin, tighter and tighter,
A vortex that careens in place,
A widening gyre that threatens to send me spinning off into the darkness,
A body torn into fluttering shreds,
A madness that burns with the desire to know why, why Anna?
And you speak
"I love you."
And I am whole.
Nineteen
Happy birthday, Anna!
It's perfect, like you: no words could suffice
My pen set aside, I am ready for life
No more will I wait, no more will I pine,
Not when your heart, at last, lies with mine.
The door is open, and we are free
My life lies ahead.
Come share it with me?