I've been sitting on this joke since episode 19, and didn't have enough time to write it up for episode 20, so here we are for the finale. I can safely say this is the only pregnancy fic I will ever write.

Skye's opinions are not necessarily my opinions.

"I'm not afraid of you, Ward."

"You're not going to kill us with a bomb, you'd go too."

"No. I have a weapon much better than a bomb that will absolutely destroy you."

Ward raised his eyebrows and shrugged mockingly. "Why is that?"

"Because you slept with her. And she is pissed off." Skye took a deep breath – she could still back out, she didn't have to do this, they could still go with the other plan – before continuing resolutely. "I'm pregnant."

"…But we haven't had sex yet," said Ward automatically.

On second thought, maybe this hadn't been the wisest idea. Skye supposed she ought to be grateful that Ward even knew how babies were made. For some reason, she doubted sex ed had been on top of Garrett's list of things to teach Ward.

"I never said it was your baby," she said. "I mean, if I were pregnant with your kid, I certainly wouldn't be telling you now. You've kind of turned out to be a liar and a murderer and generally a horrible person. You would be the worst influence on a kid possible. Our hypothetical kid would be better off not having a dad than having one like you, and coming from someone who aged out of the foster care system, I know what I'm talking about. Even Miles would be a better dad." Which was the perfect segue into her next topic—

"So who was it, then?" asked Ward blankly. "Fitz? Coulson?"

Gross. She did not need those mental images. "Between the two of us, I think it's just you with the Freudian parental thing," said Skye dubiously. "Not that May's old, exactly, or that I want to think about her that way, but honestly. What do they teach you at the SHIELD Academy? I've been living with you a plane for the last three months. When was the last time you actually saw me getting any?"

She could practically see the wheels turning in his head. "Miles?" he said finally, through gritted teeth. "That bastard – you and him – he doesn't deserve you –"

Wow. She thought Ward been pulling a caveman last time on the plane and in Los Angeles, but this was really taking it to a whole new level. If she'd told him it was his kid, he'd probably try to drag her off by the hair to play happy families. Ugh. (And she'd just gotten her hair re-styled after the Great Lola Escape, too.)

"If this isn't my kid, then why are you telling me this?"

Point to Ward for calming himself down and coming up with what was actually a good question. The original plan had been this pregnancy thing would distract Ward so May could better beat him up with her hate-fu (not that May needed the help, but Skye kind of wanted to see Ward's reaction once the lying shoe was on the other murdering foot), but May was conspicuously absent. The flurry of text-message notifications on her phone indicated that there had been a change in the plan. She needed to play for time.

"What was all that about 'taking what you want' and 'waking up something inside of me'?" Skye said. "Yeah, you're too late. Someone got there first."

She mentally cringed at what was coming out of her mouth, though really, Ward wasn't in any place to judge. Garrett had obviously failed to teach him how to talk like a proper villain, considering all the stuff coming out of him. If Mike had to put up with all this all the time…

"So when we were in the closet back in the Hub," said Ward. He seemed a bit irritated now – good. "We were never going to get that drink, were we. Or were you already pregnant then? Did you know when you kissed me—?"

She scoffed. "Says the one who was lying to us the whole time?"

"That was just a job," Ward snarled. "You're pregnant!"

"What's this I hear?" said Coulson, who had just showed up at the door. "Skye's pregnant?"

"AC, what are you doing here?" Skye asked. "I thought we talked about this. Don't you have other things to be doing? You know, taking down Garrett?"

"This is more important," said Coulson tersely. "Ward, what's this I hear about you and Skye in a closet together? And drinking?"

Was this the kind of parental lecturing she had missed when she was living in her van?

"Grant Douglas Ward, I am very disappointed in you," Coulson continued. "You were her Supervising Officer. Skye was your responsibility. Instead, I find out you and she were – canoodling – while you were supposed to be keeping an eye on her—"

"I haven't done anything to her yet!" protested Ward.

There was a vein pulsing in Coulson's temple now. Impressive, though you'd think that serum would help with blood pressure. Skye made a mental note to ask about his diet.

"What do you mean, yet?" said Coulson dangerously. By now, he had gotten close enough to Ward to grab him by the shoulders. "And even? What have you been doing with Skye that I don't know about? How far have you gone with her?!" Each question was punctuated by a vigorous full-body shove. Ward looked too surprised to resist.

Skye took the opportunity to check the feed from Mike's eye implant. Oddly enough, Garrett was nowhere to be seen, but if Coulson had already taken him out, that explained what he was doing downstairs now. She tapped in a message to Mike asking him to hang in there –

"HAVE YOU BEEN USING PROTECTION?!" Coulson shouted.

Well, he seemed to be on top of things on his end. Ward was now turning an interesting shade of purple, from Coulson's hands wrapped around his neck. The gun he had been carrying laid unattended on the floor; Skye picked it up to chivvy the terrified Cybertek manager out of the room. Coulson pulling the dad routine was entertaining (evidently he hadn't been lying about being able to take Ward on the plane), but it was just a little awkward considering the father of Skye's hypothetical baby was Miles, not Ward. Well, if Coulson wanted to take a day trip to go beat up Miles next, she was totally down for that.

I'm going to find Ace, she messaged Mike as they headed downstairs. And May. Where the hell was she? At the rate Coulson was going, there wasn't going to be much of Ward left for her to take her revenge on.

Ace was locked in a room in the basement levels, like all the other hostages; Skye found him, passed along his message to Mike, and then started heading back upstairs, leading Ace, the now grateful Cybertek manager, his girlfriend (wife?), and all the other hostages. Halfway down a hallway, May slipped out of a restroom and joined the procession.

"Where have you been?" Skye hissed. "You were supposed to go take Ward down, remember?"

"I wasn't feeling well," said May shortly. "Do you have any gum?"

Skye fished some out of the backpack bomb prop that was still taped to Kyle the Cybertek manager (they'd had to put something in there to give the illusion of weight). "You can probably take that off now," she said.

"I'm … not going to ask," said Kyle's girlfriend.

Skye had asked Mike to meet them back in the main control room, but when she got there, she was surprised to find him nowhere in sight. Instead, Coulson was still teaching Ward a lesson, and he had just—

"What the fuck!" said Skye, before she remembered she was leading around an impressionable six-year-old. "Where the hel—heck—did he get that gun from?"

"I have a very big gun," Coulson was saying menacingly, pointing it at Ward, "and I know what it does, and if I ever hear that you've hurt her, I will not hesitate to use it. This gun had enough kick to take down a god, what do you think it'll do to you?"

"Uh, AC, you do know I'm not actually pregnant, right?" said Skye.

Ward looked relieved.

"You're not," said Coulson pointedly. Skye blinked. Was he implying…

"Melinda! How are you feeling?" he asked.

"I want pickles," said May. "And ice cream."

"We can go get you some after," said Coulson. Ward perked up a little.

"You're not invited," said May brusquely. She gestured for Coulson to get out of the way, then delivered a spinning kick to Ward that knocked him out cleanly. "I've been waiting a while for that. That felt good."

Because there were children present, Skye heroically resisted the urge to say 'that's what she said'. (Though judging from May's unimpressed expression, her poker face needed more work.)

"That was so cool!" said Ace brightly, who apparently hadn't suffered too much from his period of extended captivity. "Can you do that again?"

May seemed to notice Ace's presence for the first time, paling as she looked at the little boy. "I'm... going to go call my mother," she said. "I have to talk to her."

"Tell her I said hello!" said Coulson cheerily, as May walked out. "Or, actually, under the circumstances, maybe you shouldn't…"

Skye looked around at the wreckage of the control center, and shook her head. They really should have gone with Plan B.

a) May and Simmons, who is also pregnant (you know what I'm thinking) bond over increasingly bizarre pregnancy cravings. Skye, Trip, and Coulson spend all their time on grocery runs, never mind hunting down HYDRA or rebuilding SHIELD. Skye realizes she was very lucky to get out of that closet unscathed.

b) The torture Coulson has in store for Ward? Child support payments.

c) "Children these days," says Mike Peterson.
"Tell me about it," says Coulson.