For Tsari Torment and Me

Enjoy!

"What are you watching?" Ulquiorra demanded of Grimmjow who was being lazy today and sitting on the couch in his living room staring at the television.

"An American western." Came the reply.

"Oh. I see." Ulquiorra sat down next to the Sixth Espada and frowned. "Then, why are there people from Mexico in this movie?"

"They…" Grimmjow wasn't too pleased about their role, but it was 1950's Hollywood. "They are the bad guys."

"I am not impressed." Ulquiorra stated, taking some popcorn from the bowl Grimmjow had in his hand."We are Spanish-speakers here too and so are the bad guys in the movie. What is wrong with this picture?"

"Everything." Grimmjow said.

"But you have to admit that maybe it would be more interesting around here if we were actually in a western."

Grimmjow raised an eyebrow. Mr. Rules and Order wanted what?

"Really?" The Sixth snorted loudly. "You, want to be in a western."

Ulquiorra nodded.

"Why?"

"It seems like such a interesting world, if I am honest. Everyone knew one another and it is so insane day in and day out."

"So…" Grimmjow began, "You are saying you wish to be in one, because it mirror our lives here in Las Noches?"

Ulquiorra nodded again. "Precisely. If you think about it, Starrk is the retired cowboy. Baraggan is the bartender. Harribel is not in this at all."

"Why?"

"Because, she is a woman and there are no women in westerns and I cannot possibly see her as the damsel in distress."

"True." Grimmjow said, hoping said woman would not over hear. "How about Lilynette?"

"Oh." Ulquiorra had completely forgotten about her. "She is the pickpocket street kid the characters run into on their first day in the west. Nnoitra is obviously the bank robber. Aaroniero is the mad scientist and-"

"Wait!" Grimmjow cried, throwing popcorn into the air. "What about Szayelaporro?! He's the-."

Ulquiorra placed his hands over Grimmjow's mouth and sighed. "I was getting to him. Aaroniero is the scientist because Szayelaporro is the bank robber's girlfriend who has him on a string."

"Ah… makes sense."

"Yes." Ulquiorra said, "It does. Now, I hate to typecast but-"

"The only dark-skinned guy in the whole film." Grimmjow sighed, shoving some popcorn in his mouth. "We get it. It's sad, but true. The farmhand, the bell boy and the shoe-shiner, Zommari can play them all."

"If we get him different hats." Ulquiorra noted. Getting another strange look from Grimmjow. "Westerns are so un-diverse…Anyhow, allow me to continue. Tousen would not be-oh. He is the bell boy. Gin is the sharp-shooter who is only in one scene and then dies. Aizen-sama is the mayor who does not know what the hell to do."

"Bravo." Grimmjow snickered. He could see this film already and it was a block buster hit as the…wait a minute. He turned to the Fourth Espada, "Who are the main characters?"

"You and I." Came the reply. "We are, by definition, the perfect western couple."

Grimmjow choked on his popcorn. "What? You and… and me?!"

"Yes." Ulquiorra stated. "You are, the rough and tumble bad boy and I am a person who loves rules and order. Complete opposites."

"Well, I wouldn't play opposites of you!" Grimmjow cried, scooting away to the other end of the couch."Because, I am NOT kissing you."

"Oh." Ulquiorra said, his voice actually sounding disappointed. "Really?"

"Well, I mean… Yeah! I mean I won't kiss ya!"

"But…You do." Ulquiorra pointed out, not wanting to have to bring up a few other facts. "So, why not in the western?"

"Because! It would be on film!"

"Grimmjow, this is not for real. We are not actually going to film this."

"Really?" The Sixth was still suspicious as he scooted back over to sit next to Ulquiorra. "We are not going to film this?"

"No. But I still think we have to come up with the end of it."

"That's easy." Grimmjow leaned forwards and kissed Ulquiorra who was about to speak. "And then, we walk arm and arm into the sun set."

"I like that." Ulquiorra admitted, trying out the kiss a second time. "But we have one problem."

"What is that? Are you going to chicken out on me, now?!"

"No, no, Grimmjow." Ulquiorra said, glancing to his left out the window of Grimmjow's personal living room. "We have no sun."

The two looked at one another and sighed. The casting had be done, the plot was staring to take shape in a basic western style, the on-screen kiss was wonderful.

But then…There could be no western without a sun set.

"What should we do?" Grimmjow asked, ten minutes of deep contemplation later.

"Travel to the human world, green-screen it or can it and finish watching this movie." Ulquiorra said, his mind beginning to add up all the details of movie making and the cost. "And I vote we can it."

"Yeah…" Grimmjow sighed and wrapped his arms around the Fourth Espada who did not even blink. "Let's just can it and enjoy each others company."

So the two sat on the couch, arm and in arm, in the light of the television sunset.

Author's note: I have been able to see a western Espada story for about a month now, so there we have it. And yes, many westerns are not diverse. It's sad. I hope you all enjoyed and thanks for the art, Tsari.