o*o*o

"They say it's what you make, I say it's up to fate. It's woven in my soul, I need to let you go. Your eyes, they shine so bright I want to save that light. I can't escape this now, unless you show me how."

o*o*o

Some say we choose our battles, others claim we have no saying on what we'll fight against. But there is no gray area when it comes to this field and the answer is simply raw - we do choose the battles we fight, dearest. Like when you wake up and struggle through the claws pushing you against the ground, just so you can manage to crawl to the bathroom and start the day - that's you choosing a battle. Or when you decide to push aside your dreams because now is the time to fight mass killers for your right to live? There you are, choosing again.

Choices, choices, choices. All we are made of - right or left, dead or alive. It all comes down to our choices.

But you can always give up, and that's you making use of your free will to choose no battle at all but to lose by W.O. instead, like when you let the darkness embrace you and keep you somewhat safe, but completely hidden in your room while depression eats you whole. Or when you're aware and can watch the world as you know it falling apart and all you do is try your best to not even stare at the rotting landscape because none of it is any of your business and you have your own deeds to get done. What are you doing by taking this road? Yes, I figured you would already know it.

You choose to fight or stand aside, and you pick what you will defend and what you'll neglect and among those factors… are yourself.

We have our free will and make use of it every living second - there is in a free world with no dictators, of course. What do you do when you open your eyes for the first time every day? And what follows you when you close them for the last time every single night? Do you even know what you're taking and what you're living behind and what walks by your side?

Well, what we can't choose regardless of what circumstances we're under is our demons. We feed, raise and even cherish them without knowing it - this, until they're strong enough and fully matured to rise from our within and bite us in the arse to then tear our faces apart. By the way, facing said demons is another matter of choice indeed… but you still can't choose what the bloody hell is going to hurl back at you or kick your head before you even think of an effective comeback for the life of you.

But those things we all learn at a relatively young age, for life isn't sweet for anybody (regardless of how it sounds or seems the opposite for some). However and unfortunately, we can stubbornly remain frozen against it for as long as the days allow possible. We can ignore it - or try to, or just pretend we do -, ignore those battles life shove down our throats and the demons yelling inside our cores and the ground shaking and the mornings meeting the nights quicker every day; but it doesn't last forever. Actually, it doesn't even last much, for one day the sun rises with the demons waking up and the battlefield set for good. And, there you're standing bare naked with nothing but yourself as your only weapon against all the odds.

(But, dearest, some are what we could call the lucky ones… and those manage to learn how to partner up and walk those roads together for, as we all know, two heads think better than only one. But what we rarely take into account is that two demons attack with a lot more strength and rage and less mercifully, as well).

Wakey, wakey, the sun is up again.

Can't you hear your baby demon gently hurling from inside your veins?

o*o*o

"Tonight we are young so let's set the world on fire, we can burn brighter than the sun.
So if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, I'll carry you home tonight."

o*o*o

Call me a mist chaser for crying out loud, but there was some sort of colourful haze dancing around my friends and comrades in that old pub we choose as our place to meet once each of us done was done with our deeds from the last mission. Our faces were worn out by all the fussing and kicking and fighting and, well, spells. Killing ones, I should highlight just so our crazy and random burst of happiness could make some more sense.

As if one needed reason to be happy, I repeated to reassure myself of my own current state.

By the time I calmed myself down and finally let go of the burning feeling that bloody irritated me everytime James touched me a bit too enthusiastically while I was still working on my way to get wasted as a sort of celebration for surviving another day, I could count most of the Order members at the pub. And, most of this amount, already drunk. Remus was taking care of what I liked to call a magical version of a jukebox and the songs playing behind our blurred hyped conversations made, pardon my ridiculous comparison, a magical combination. If you crossed out the events from earlier in the day, you'd get a group of friends getting together and celebrating something that not everybody is lucky enough to understand. You know, just a bunch of people enjoying the night and its perks. But taking everything we faced into account, we were actually acting quite reserved and not that noisy or loud hence we were mature wizards, excuse me. We made it through another mission and that was so much more than we could dare to expect for our real situation on the whole picture. For Merlin's sake, somebody get me another glass of that liqueur. I had so much to be thankful for right now. Just as much to worry and want to curl up and cry and scream for help, but it wasn't the time to think of the odds and the bad guys who soon would show up again to get us down. It wasn't the time to down but to fly. Which I bet we would be doing if we had brooms and, well, still some sense of balance to keep us from falling from the air on our faces.

It's not like I don't mind the older members, but all I could care right now was about those who I grew up with and held so dearly to my heart. The others, I loved and respected, but those? I held higher than myself. It was completely something else, it was me divided into different people… not me admiring others. Oh Merlin, I'm confused and only thinking nonsense as if I were writing poetry in my mind. Tsc. Where is my journal? Alright, let's be honest, Lily - where is your soberty, huh?
Anyway, seeing that even Marlene was now loosely slow dancing with Sirius to a upbeat rockish song, both of them smiling wide and wild, made me clap like a mad one. I started jumping, trotting around and caught James laughing at me with Peter by his side. I waved at them and sang the chorus as if my voice wasn't as annoying as Peter's laughter. It was when I froze once again that night - he didn't looked any happy but actually heavily worried, I'd say even frightened. Maybe it was James' strong grasping on his shoulders but the back of my mind would obviously travel further. That guy wasn't on the same place we were. Oh hell, definitely not. Yes, I could definitely be called mist chaser.

"Hey Peter, come here, buddy! Let's sing it and make it our song, yeah?" he shrugged and smiled at me, shaking his head. "I don't want to ruin it but yes, Lily, let's make it our song. You're the leader singer and, let me pretend I'm… I don't know… the backing vocalist?"
"In silence, my dear? Really? Are you trying to escape from our so expected brilliant musical, you rat?"
"Oh come on, Peter. I'll join you! I know your vocal range will humiliate Lily's any time!" James laughed as he dragged his friend to where I was standing. I don't know what got into me but I caught myself hugging Peter, who was shorter than me, and messing with his thin hair. -"I bet you can own this song as if you wrote it yourself! Promise me you won't leave me singing alone and embarrassing myself all on my own?"
"Oh no, never, Lily. I told you I'd be your backing vocal! I'm a marauder for crying out loud, I would never let James' muse on her own, c'mon..."
"Hey Remus! Play it again, please?" I shouted at my friend who was way too excited about controlling the playlist.
And Peter finally smiled; shaking his legs and arms as if he was getting ready for a boxer moment. The intro was playing again and the three of us tried to dance without spilling the drink from our glasses. Well, James and I, since Peter finished his own in one single throw.

o*o

"Keep your filthy hands to yourself, Potter. We're in public, come on!" I laughed.
"Hm, didn't know Lily Potter was so prude when drunk. That's quite some news to her husband, do you know it?" I rolled my eyes at both the Potter after my name and the mention of something between us beyond boyfriend and girlfriend. Yes, Lily! Here is your soberty! Please hold onto it before you start agreeing with whatever idea this guys come up with...
"Husband my gorgeous arse, boy! Go get us more firewhisky, I've got a Sirius to hold from murdering Marlene with all his seduction games and…" ouch, what a poor choice of words. James seemed to catch it as well, his face suddenly becoming serious and his vibe so uncomfortable.
"Go, baby. I'll meet you there. I'll try to keep Remus from playing the same sad song once again before I get us more drinks, though." he tried to smile before briefly touching my lips with his and leaving me standing there feeling guilty for saying shite after shite.

o*o

I hurried to the restroom, my stomach fighting my struggles to keep it on leash. I busted through the door to find a shaking Marlene embracing herself and crying quietly.
"Oh crap, my dear… What's wrong?" I hurried to her, spitting words between closing my mouth to keep the shite from flying out of it. She kept sobbing and didn't even lift her head to stare at me and I took it as a chance to run to the nearest sink and finally throw up.
"Please, Marlene. Let it out!" I shouted as I washed my mouth, hands, face, and wetted my hair a bit.
"Why are we laughing and dancing, Lily? What are we doing? Enjoying our last young adventures before some mad wizard comes and knocks us down for good? Really, are we this happy just because we made it through another hard, fucked up mission? How can you be so excited when you know that in the next few days we'll go through a harder one and it could be our last?"
"For bloody fuck's sake, Marls, shut the hell up. What are you talking about? Don't you trust us? Don't you trust yourself? We have quite some cards on our sleeves and we're not that naive. Haven't we learned anything in those seven years? And would we be a part of the Order if we couldn't make a difference? Hear me now and hear me good, we can make it but you gotta believe it, please. You won't fight for your life if you don't think you've got a shot at it…"
"That's all we've been doing throughout our last year at Hogwarts and since we graduated - to fight for our lives. Is it living, Lily? We do fight fiercely and yes, we might win now and then, but when will we actually reach the prize and live this life we're fighting for?" she was half yelling and half whispering, her voice coarse and worn out by the day we had. Holding my shoulders so tightly I could swear she was burning her fingers on my skin, Marlene looked at me as if I went completely green and red and looked like a giant squid. Am I looking this bad or has she lost it completely? To make sure I wasn't so hideous and could be taken seriously, I freed myself from her hands and fixed my hair a bit and then sort of massaged my burning face with my hands.
"Angel, you're just drunk. When we drink we tend to either get too excited or have those bad thoughts and hold onto either of the come out. Or throw up, like I just did, you know? The only thing that could actually matter tonight is that we survived and this round was a good one for us! And we are young, we've got so many years ahead of us to live this life we're fighting for. Look towards these days and I assure you it will make all the struggles and missions worth it. And you know it's not only about us and our own future, dear. If we can't keep on holding onto some hope for ourselves, we shall do this for others, for those who depend on us and our missions and our stupid young and childish moments as well, got me? They depend on our side to see the days when they'll be able to roam around our world without thinking about when they'll get…" I stopped myself; none of this blabbing was helping in any way. But at least she seemed to have calmed down, compared to how she was when I found her here.
"I know every bit of this, Lily. But oh fuck, I don't know… I was talking with the blokes when it suddenly got to me that Merlin knows, and in fact he may not even know or give half of a fuck... Maybe tomorrow one of them wouldn't be there to listen to my joke. And it all started growing on me while watching Sirius roaming around the pub so carefree and far from carefully… He's so full of himself; I bet he wouldn't even see it coming or where and from whom it came from when he gets…"
"Whoa there, shut the hell up! I mean, I'd at least trade this 'when' for an 'if'? You know, being hopeful and shite."
"Merlin, Lily. You're a horrible listener and advisor when you drink."
"But I'm still a great friend and that's why I'll wash your face and take you back to where everybody is so that you catch their happiness like the flu or what else and go home feeling light enough to have good dreams, yeah?"
"Yeah, whatever. It won't hurt to try… again." she threw her hands on her legs, giving up on defending her point of view and reason for all that fuss.

o*o

Fuck, Marlene. Did you really have to cut my vibe like this? I held her close and whispered another couple of slurred reassuring words but, deep down, I could feel it growing on me once again as well… because just like her, I knew it wasn't like we were the stronger side holding the fence that stood as the world as we once knew it.

o*o

I'm amazed that I forgot there were a few bottles of tequila here. It's my favorite muggle drink after gin even though it works way faster than my number one. Second shot and I was already done with it. Damn it, I'm really not that old Lily anymore. Fuck, I am in fact the old Lily. Bloody hell, Marlene. You really got me spinning around serious shitty melancholic drunk thoughts, uh?

o*o*o

"The angels never arrived but I can hear the choir…"

o*o*o

"James…"
"What, my love? Want some more?" he was holding an almost already empty glass of firewhisky, his face's reddish cheeks competing with my reddish messy hair which I tried to hold on a bun now
"Can we go home now? I mean, both of us have already messed our respective designed restrooms and I'm dizzy enough to get Sirius' jokes in half a second or even agree with Remus' drunk strategies or feel comfortable with Peter going back home so silently messed up". I stopped to catch my breath and swallow whatever was in my mouth not tasting any good. "I think it's time for me to call it a night… at least me, of course you can stay longer if you want so. But I really need to take a shower and head to bed and try to keep my head on my neck…"
"And this neck on those shoulders, yeah?"
"Yeah, Sirius. Yeah." Merlin knows why I was so uncomfortable again standing in the dim lighted pub now, switching the weight of my tired body between one leg and then the other. It wasn't four AM yet, I believe, and the sun was a bit far from raising and I've never been a poor drinker so it was coming out as a surprise to even myself that I wanted to head home before morning or after we've finished all the bottles we set as goals.
James got up from his chair, his balance not as good as expected from the once Quidditch captain and great flier and drinker he was. Maybe this whole thing was really getting to us. He threw his arms around me, embracing me in his alcohol breath and that safety that greeted me only when he hugged me like this - arms all around me, sort of swallowing me into him and keeping me covered from the world around. I loved every single time he hugged this way but right now I was drunk enough for both of us and his lack of capacity of standing on his feet on his own without dancing around and falling to the sides as if he was making an wasted representation of the Tower of Pisa wasn't doing me any good, more than carrying Peter out of the pub did. By the way, I hope he arrived home safely. He didn't look like he was capable of apparating without losing an arm or two midway. In fact, he didn't look like he wanted to go home or stay with us… weird bloke but sweet nonetheless.
"You bloody know I go where you go and when you decide to… or when I'm passed enough to agree with said decision." he laughed on my neck, taking deep breaths that got me torn between feeling more nauseated by the smell of it or excited by what usually followed this habit.
"Apparating or walking home?"
"There is no way in hell you two will walk home after all that we've seen tonight." Remus raised his voice from the other side of the table -"You may be pretty drunk, yes, but losing an arm or two while apparating still sounds safer than losing your heads walking those streets." - It never ceased to amaze me how our minds would come up with sentences of the same kind and how his drunk self would be way more direct and dramatic than his collected sober persona would ever allow him to be.
"So apparating it is?"
"Whenever you're ready to go, James. Just let me know so I can try to sober up a bit before we do it for the hurricane in my stomach isn't exactly what I'm looking for right now." I turned on my heels, trying to get rid of his grip "Well, Padfoot, as you sir can see, I'm leaving so would you mind trying to stay conscious enough to help Marlene get home?"
"Aaaare you doubting me, Flower? I'm taking this lady home like no other gentleman could. Right, Marls?" she was too focused on the bottle in front of her to even give a damn. Her eyes still reflected the past events of the night. It pained me to see my friend breaking like that but it wasn't like I was whole either. But those thoughts I could save for an owl later tomorrow day, but the food wanting to make its way back out of mouth? Not so much.

We said our goodbyes and safely apparated home, falling on our arses against the ground of the tiny room that was supposed to be a flat. Since we graduated from Hogwarts and started our "careers" as soldiers, Order members - I couldn't call myself an Auror because I never really attended the Academy, hence all the missions keeping me too busy to either work on my education or my, now pushed aside as a hobby, dream - this is where we've been resting between deeds. There was only one room that we managed to turn into a bedroom and a living-dining-meetings-room and there was some sort of kitchen on the back. The other room was a bathroom that worked both as a place where we could get clean and so try to do the same with our clothes.
It was a mess. But it was ours.
I didn't know for how long, though. For being a part of the Order, we had to be always moving to remain somehow hidden and protected in our resting and relaxing times. Soon it'd be one entire year since we left Hogwarts and I still hadn't made it home - it being either my old house where I grew up in or a place we could truly call our own. Our house, you know? As the Potters, married couple of adults with their careers and all that.
But wherever I was or could be and whatever this small set of walls meant to me, it wasn't something I wanted to keep in my mind right now. So I rested my eyes on James getting rid of his clothes and looking for his pack of cigarettes.
"Gimme one of those." he eyed me as seriously as he could with that ridiculous hair pointing at all places and glasses almost falling from his thin nose "You sure you want to smoke now? It'll only make you puke harder."
"And how is one even supposed to puke harder, Prongs?" I asked between chuckles.
"From the sounds coming from the female restroom at the pub I think you can tell what I meant, Lily" he laughed weakly as he handed me one of his cigarettes. We lighted and took some drags, avoiding staring directly at each other for a while. Sharing your life can be a wonderful thing but it does get heavy and difficult in times like this, when all you want is to be left alone with yourself and blurred thoughts.
"Wanna take a bath?" I wanted anything but talk right now.
"Together?" he smirked.
"What a stupid of a question, Potter. I know you're drunk but has your brain already left you for good? You know damn well we have to save time so we can grab some sleep and you take hours to wash this messy precious hair of yours so yes, together. And come on, hurry up. We're stinking." I pulled my well known mad face as I got rid of my black t-shirt and threw it on him, who obviously caught it before it met his face. Damn Quidditch skills. Weren't you drunk and unsure of your balance like ten minutes ago?

o*o

Ahh our warm bed and his breath now smelling like mint instead of alcohol. I guess I'll be able to grab some sleep. The day was waking up through the night and soon the clock would scream so I better hurry up and think some happier thoughts like the ones I repeated over and over to myself when I used to shake just by his presence in my Head Girl dorm. Yes, Lily, repeat the good moments until they welcome you to sleep and calm, warm dreams of a yesterday that felt so far away from tonight as the day you first stepped into that castle.
Come on, Evans. Come the bloody fuck on. You're more than this. Cut the cycle that makes you shiver and want to run for escape, you're a warrior, a hell of a strong woman and for Merlin's sake you're not seventeen anymore, right? No longer a child or a teenager or whatever could grant you the happiness and fucked up comfort of being afraid. Adults don't cry to sleep, they rest their heads on their pillows and let go of the bad because being mature means knowing when to let go of the frightening train of thoughts to hold onto the peaceful of being a whole and grown up individual, sure of themselves. This is not a time to hear the voices inside your heads murmuring chants of insecurity.

This is not the time to fall apart but to fall asleep instead.

o*o

Sweating like a mutherfucker more scared than a little child. Fussing against the sheets, heavy sleeping and lost in dreams but half awake and completely aware of the surrounding coming closer and closer until they shut against the trembling flesh. The body is on fire but the air around is about to freeze time and lock this creature in another never ending sick game of agony. And here it goes again, creature and creator, demons and hopes. Strength running thin but don't you dare let go of it.

But oh bloody hell, here it goes again and again and again and…

o*o

(Standing on the corner of the street of the pub they just left, James and Lily were finally finishing another snuggle session when she parted their lips to laugh "You know what I'm craving right now?"
"Apart from me? No idea." he chuckled against her neck, running his lips against her heated skin. Between a tiny moan and another, she managed to mention sweets.
"Well, we could pass by that sweet store near here before apparating home. And then I can finally get what I crave. Deal?" he smiled at her, taking her hand and leading her to cross the street. "It's ridiculous how full of yourself you can be sometimes, do you know it? Who said you'll get a piece of me once we're home, huh?"
"Wait a minute, dear Lily. Who said I was craving you? All I want is some sleep, you are the one who's so hungry here!" teasing each other, they made their way to the nearest store to get Lily some chocolate. It was one of the few stores still open that late at night and the street was as a fanclub for Severus would be - and this James' joke, even though it woke a sting of guilty in Lily, made her laugh way too loud for the hour.
Once they stepped inside the couple noticed how weird and thick the air seemed to be, but that is pretty expected when you walk drunk from a noisy dim lighted place to such a calm, clean and well lighted one. Not giving it a second thought, she let go of her boyfriend's hand and headed to the chocolates section.

That's when it felt like a thunder has crashed against those white walls. Without thinking twice, Lily reached for her hand and shouted for James, who already had his own wand in hand and shouted back, telling her to run to the other side of the store. She knew what he was planning - like in every mission, they would cover for each other. Hoping it was nothing but an actual thunder, she did by his words, never taking her gaze away from him.

Only once and to see a group of wizards who looked as young as them walking over the rest of the door they exploded, one of them killing the poor old seller with a wave of his wand and a well-known green light flying from it to the old man who was crying in the corner.

James was the first to act, casting spells to keep them from getting too close to Lily who was now fighting both against the group and herself and whatever was growing inside of her. It would be so much easier to wave her hand and kill just like they did instead of fighting clean…. They were only a couple against a group. It was never fair or even to start with and with those thoughts in mind, she sent one of them flying against the wall, falling loudly and knocking his head against a shelf, his neck left weird. Both proud and scared of herself, she took a few steps back to prepare to deal with another one when she heard the curse but felt none of its effects on her body.

James…

A dark haired wizard was now having what seemed to be the time of his life watching James struggling to remain conscious under the Cruciatus. She lost her capacity to breath, to keep a strong hold of her wand or even her reality and ran to her boyfriend in an uneven pace, casting another spell, one of those she learned as forbidden back in school, against the wizard who followed her. Weirdly, some of them weren't even moving at all but rather watching the show with too much of a satisfaction. And those let her fall next to James and see the face of the one controlling his pain… "Severus?" she let out between screams, moments before her head was met with something that made her pass out.

When she woke up, James wasn't under the curse anymore. He was still unconscious nonetheless and she felt a kick to her stomach. That's when she knew who their real aim was...
Lily could see her wand next to her boyfriend's body and realised how useless she was against those men without it, but it wouldn't keep her from trying. But maybe she should. Because flying her free feet against one of them wasn't the best of her ideas. After a brief moment of nothingness, they started taking turning between the couple. From where she was, before being beaten again, she caught a glimpse of Severus kicking James' face and calling for the others to join him in his little party.

Just taking it all in, the words thrown at her, the punches and kicks, Lily spitted blood on a blonde wizard's shining shoes. With the mere wave of his wand, her jeans were ripped from her. She tried to scream but all she could do was gag in the tormenting idea of was coming next.
"Too bad your blood traitor of a sweetheart is far passed out to watch this… and maybe to even deal with what will be left of his mudblood amusement park after." he whispered to her, throwing his weight on top of her beaten up body. The wizard bites her neck and Lily tries to knee him in between his legs. Furious, he punches her face and one of his friends comes closer, opening her legs with his feet and warning her while laughing loudly "Are you going to try to put up a fight, you filthy bitch? Try all you want, all you can, but you could always relax and enjoy that I will somehow purify your rotten meat. Too bad I'll have to dirty myself to teach your mudblood arse a lesson." and with his own hands, he reaches for her undies, already stained with her own blood…)

o*o

Sweating and fussing against the sheets, looking for something to grasp and hold on for dear life.

She yelled before the clock did, making James jump on the bed and reach for his wand under his pillow.

But her eyes remained closed, ignoring all the struggled attempts to open them and get away from this hell.

o*o

(Lily was held against the wall now, his wand playing with the tips of what was left of her t-shirt and pulling it up, her black bra showing. She couldn't stand on her feet by herself so he was probably doing it somehow. She looked at James and now he was blacked out again but they were still beating him. "Why would such a beauty be willing to destroy herself on the rotting side, willing to let go of life for nothing? Oh… but you're just a filthy mudblood, ain't ya? Rotten already. I can't believe I dirtied myself just so you could learn your place, you piece of shit." A punch met the left side of her face and Lily blacked out.)

o*o*o

"I can't escape this now unless you show me how."

o*o*o

"Wake up, Lily! Come on! Wake up, darling, it's just a dream!" James was carefully shaking his girlfriend who was taking turns into screaming in almost silence and gasping for her.
"Merlin, James. What the fuck?"
-You tell me?! You stole the role from the clock and woke me up yelling like the world was ending, Lily."
And maybe it was, at least in her dream. Even though she was awake now, most of her being was still trapped on that universe where she was losing everything she had for certain nowadays - James, their capacity of fighting back, their supposed safety, what was left of her dignity after years of being crushed psychologically for being mudblood, now it was physically. And regardless of what they say about words, sticks and stones seemed to hurt much more.
"I don't know, it was just a nightmare… I guess it's what you get for drinking too much. Dreams too real, action going crazy and everything…" he eyed Lily, studying her. It'd be one of those moments - she would shut herself in her own world, which included her journal and words, and wouldn't let him in. Protecting him, she would rather hurt in silence.
"Yeah, that's what it sounded like. But are you ok? Mind telling me what it was all about? It sounded quite terrifying so I bet it was interesting?"
Yeah, that's what it sounds like - interesting.
"Not now, my love. My stomach has woken up as well and I think I need to go visit the bathroom as soon as possible before it flies out right on your face." Lily chuckled weakly "And a shower would shake this mood off so I'll go by myself, okay? I really need to get something done with this hair as soon as possible."
She got up from the bed and rather ran to the bathroom without looking back once, leaving James running his fingers through his hair and looking for a tiny gap in her armour to get in and take this shite out.

o*o

Lily gently closed the door, grasping the doorknob and taking deep breaths as she tried to swallow the crying trying to come to surface. What was on her head anyway to believe she'd go to bed and sleep in peace after such a fucked up day and loads and loads of alcohol? In muggle medicine, she'd be taking a few pills by now and some other before sleep time to function as a proper human being but just like most of the other aspects in her life, she also let go of their medicine when she realised her place was on the wizarding world instead. But oh God… no, Merlin. Oh Merlin, did she miss the opportunity of numbing the pain. Maybe she could talk with a healer about what's going on in her head and, of course, be the selfish immature teen who can't deal with real life and throws tantrums everytime is faced with reality.
She finally let go of the doorknob and fell on her arse in the middle of the bathroom, embracing her legs and trying to remain as calm as the situation seemed to allow. A pill to calm her nerves would be a gift from whatever looks after the human beings left to walk this Earth. Or maybe a potion, but this she would know already, after hours on the library looking exactly for this and being so strong in this subject. When the thought of Severus maybe coming up with a new potion to heal her insides showed up only to make the scenery worse. Great, now she was really crying… again.

James was talking with Sirius, probably using the two way mirror. They were babbling about the hangover and how the hell they would behave today. Even on the safety of their place and the door closed, she could still feel them watching her, feeding on her, their weight pulling her down… she couldn't shake off the feeling of watching James being tortured and quite probably killed. It was only a dream, like he said. It was only a nightmare, like she stated it herself. So why did it feel so real and alive and why hasn't it let go of her now that she had both eyes wide open and was so completely aware of every living bit, shaking and aching so nervously, of her body?
She turned the water on to make it seem more believable that she was actually taking a shower and to silence the world around her, in hope that it would silence her thoughts as well.

After brushing her teeth and washing her face with some cold arse water, Lily stared at her own reflection - hopeless and blurred by whatever was haunting her. She looked like she just got out of a bar fight instead of only waking up. The nausea was still there, a gift from last night endeavours, but there was something else moving inside of her as well. As if it woke up even before she did and had decided that wouldn't go to rest any time soon. Sick of her own face, Lily started to undress to get into the shower. And that's when it clicked again.
The mere act of taking off her jersey - or James' Gryffindor jersey - felt like a punch on her tummy, making her throw up on the sink as if she were still drunk or something. Staring at her skin, untouched, should calm her down, she believed. But it couldn't be more wrong. The look of her bare chest only made her feel even more insecure and as if she was an easier target for them - now they didn't even have to undress her anymore, she was ready for anything they were intending to inflict on her, just like on the dream she lived and relived a thousand times already by now.
Rushing to the shower, Lily finally let out the crying that has been trying to find some air since she got up from the bed. It was loud and desperate and childish and strong enough to make Lily herself struggle to find some air to keep on breathing and operating like she was supposed to - rinse, repeat, cleaning herself from their claws.

o*o

It wasn't like James couldn't listen the desperate noises coming from the bathroom. Pacing around their tiny room, he would get his hand either on his wand or his hair now and then. What was going on? Is it just another bad morning of hangover after an exhausting day or is Lily getting worse? She was extremely great in hiding her own problems but it was no news to anybody that he could read between her short lines and hear her screams in her silence.

He didn't mention the weird occurrence from earlier this morning to Sirius but his friend could tell there was something there. First wrong move, James thought. If Lily didn't want anyone to know about it then he would help her to carry on with that façade as far as possible, and as long as it was helping her instead of only throwing her deeper in that hole. If only he knew what to do to help her walking through this, he wouldn't feel so useless and she wouldn't be crying the shite out of herself in the shower. But it wasn't like James wasn't breaking apart himself as well…

Growing up. Waking up. The two of them. The creators and the creatures.

o*o

"We're a hell of a couple of fighters but we did become such poor drinkers, didn't we, baby?" James tried to smile carelessly as Lily got out of the bathroom, fully dressed as if the winter wasn't far from coming by now.

She shrugged and gave her boyfriend a warm smile, heading to the bed where he was sitting to throw her arms around him. "We're great fighters indeed… and I love you, my dear, but you are bloody stinking." she laughed after breathing deeply against the spot between his neck and shoulders. "How could I be stinking if I took a shower before going to bed only a couple of hours ago?" James looked half offended half amused.
"Alright, I'll give you that. You're not actually stinking but you're not smelling like lavender either and I… I don't know… I'm just missing that smell since most of the others only seem to make me want to vomit right now". she made a disgusted face and ran her fingers through his hair, showing a shy smile.
Fine, he got it. And to the bathroom he headed, closing the door behind him.
How could James be so sure of their skills? It wasn't Hogwarts anymore, it wasn't a match against Slytherin as well. It was real life and, fuck, it was too real to even compare to their plans while still in their last year of school. Fighting the bad guys, making a difference in this world, getting to live in peace and become a family and… you know, just living like normal people are supposed to. But all they actually managed to be was in pieces, instead.
Lily ran the room for her journal, sitting back on the bed to start writing. She would do what helped her to keep her mind in check all these years everytime she would throw such a tantrum - she would write whatever was on her mind, leave the crises there, close her journal and then go back to life, repaired as if she just got out brand new from the facture.

o*o

When James got back into the room, she was still writing but closed her journal as if caught by surprise while writing the latest gossips about Dumbledore and his weird ways.
"Writing about me again, Lily?" he was stunning, drying his hair with the towel and making it messier. James always looked better with his hair wet and shining clean after a shower, at least to "normal" Lily.
"How did you find out? I've got other muses, ok? Don't you flatter yourself so much, boy!"
"But I know I'm number one. Just as much as I know we need to get something to eat before we pass out and fall on our faces ruining our perfection." he laid on top of her, hugging her like when he wanted to shelter her from the world, and, like a period to his phrase, kissed her lips so she couldn't protest, at least not so quickly.
"We could get some potion to help us with nausea first, though. What about this?" she said as soon as James let her lips free to do so.
"Can you work on it while I work on getting us something to eat?"
"As long as you don't burn it, I can go look for the potion in peace."
"Shut it, you know I'm a great cooker. I got it from mum!"
"No way your adventures in the kitchen can compare to her amazing feasts, darling."
"But it still feeds us and that's what we want right now, right?"
"After getting rid of the nausea, you mean." he agreed while getting up and heading to what they called a kitchen and looking through the balcony for something that would fill them enough to get the day started.
She couldn't breed a potion so Lily would have to work with whatever there was in their place and she knew about some teas her mother used to give to her father everytime he was experiencing a hangover. So she followed James to the kitchen and they teased each other, fighting for space to get each their deeds done, and for a brief moment life seemed to be in check again.

o*o

(She was crying with her face against the ground, cheeks and mouth bleeding, near to choke on her vomit. Breathing seemed like a luxury with the heavy piece of trash on top of her. Lily closed her eyes one more time for anything was better than to watch another feet meeting James' face. If only she could close her ears as well for anything was better than to listen that to a rotten meat, she actually tasted delicious.)

A/N: I had to split this one-shot into two different chapters because it was getting too long and it would probably be too tiring to read at once.
Thank you so so so much for the reviews! I hope you enjoyed this chapter! :3 My first attempt at something like this so far. hahahah
And, obviously, I don't own the HP universe.