Are you joining the ranks of the Irish Sanctuary (seriously, we need new blood right now)? Then you would really benefit from reading this list – it may save your life. Or at least, save you from disciplinary proceedings.
CHERUB fans may have guessed, but this is based on Robert Muchamore's list of "50 things you're not allowed to do on CHERUB campus", so credit for the inspiration due there.
I will update with new rules if and when I think of at least 20-25. Readers are welcome to contribute their own rules in a review, and if I like them, I will add them onto the second list as well (with credit to you). There's no limit to the number of rules that can be on a list after all (especially a list composed by Tipstaff, as you will see….)
Rules for Sanctuary Employees
1. Employees who are still learning to drive must neither drive nor attempt to park anywhere near the gleaming and very expensive black Bentley in the staff car park. You have been warned.
2. The owner of said gleaming and highly expensive black Bentley requests that the following rule is also observed – look, don't touch. No matter how in awe of it he says you all clearly are.
3. Drafting a ten page marriage proposal in iambic pentameter for the Grand Mage is a serious waste of your time
4. The Grand Mage also does not want flowers, chocolates, wine or haikus.
5. ETA: However if you happen to come across any rare books or magical artefacts, she says she would like to see those. Don't expect any form of reward or physical affection in return.
6. Administrator Tipstaff insists that employees observe Sanctuary etiquette at all times and stop drawing Hitler moustaches on photographs of him, then pinning them to the walls, just because he told you off for breaking certain standards of etiquette.
7. For a full list of all Sanctuary etiquette and protocols, see the thick and very dusty volumes on the table outside Administrator Tipstaff's office. He requests that all Sanctuary employees take the time to look through them.
8. He also requests that Sanctuary employees stop scribbling rude witticisms and crude drawings in the margins of these books.
9. Any employee who spent time in the medical wing under the care of the recently imprisoned Doctor Nye may be entitled to compensation for any physical or psychological injuries caused by him - see any of the Junior Administrators for details.
10. We know that devising new and interesting ways of scaring the living daylights out of Junior Administrator Weeper is highly amusing. Don't do it.
11. There are acceptable ways of practising your Elemental magic skills. Blowing doors shut in other people's faces is not one of them.
12. However, manipulating air and water in order to mess up Fletcher Renn's hair will likely be overlooked by amused higher up's.
13. Coming to official Sanctuary fancy dress events as Mevolent is forbidden.
14. The job description of the Sanctuary Detectives' does not include helping you track down your missing cat.
15. They also view spying on your ex-partner as creepy and beneath them.
16. Any Sensitive who has a new apocalyptic vision is requested to keep it to them self until we've sorted out all our current apocalypse level crises.
17. Taking bets on how long the new Grand Mage will last is now a disciplinary offense.
18. This is not the Ministry of Magic, and challenging your colleagues to a loud 'duel' with sticks in the corridors is childish. So is jumping out at Junior Administrator Weeper brandishing a stick and yelling 'Avada Kedavra'. See rule 10.
19. It would be nice to be able to walk around this place without having to squeeze past a queue of adoring fans begging for the Monster Hunters' autographs. Stop encouraging them for goodness sake.
20. Do not put references to being a Sorcerer, Mage or 'Magical Government Agent' on your Facebook profile. Sanctuary higher ups think you're an overconfident idiot who's breaking the law on revealing magic to the general public, and your mortal friends think you're an idiot full stop.
21. Claiming that you've gained Sensitive abilities and can see that 'bad things will happen in the future' unless you are given a pay rise, will not work.
22. Blackmailing Fletcher Renn into teleporting you to the front of the lunch and/or bathroom queue is not acceptable, unless we do it.
23. One day, your penchant for taking selfies of you and your friends doing stupid poses next to Cleavers, will get you killed. Especially the very original 'bunny ears behind their helmets' one. They do not like it.
24. Note to certain Sanctuary Detectives – locking colleagues who annoy you in the Sanctuary holding cells is an abuse of your powers, no matter how much they deserve it.
25. Be careful when writing fanfiction for Gordon Edgley's novels. Remember, these characters are based on real mages, who might come and kick your ass if you pair them up with that again.