It was unnaturally silent in his office. For once, Zack was wordlessly reading a message on his PHS, rather than filling the room with some incessant noise or another. Sephiroth stared through his computer, the importance of the information on its screen escaping him as he thought about more pressing matters. "You know," he finally said, "I think I'm gonna take over the world."

Zack's head popped up, wide blue eyes focusing on Sephiroth's thoughtful face. "What?"

Sephiroth shook his head. "Nonononono—actually, yeah. I just decided. I'm going to take over the world," he said, changing and reforming his mind in a few moment's span.

Zack looked around the room, as if he'd spot the hidden camera in the corner. "What? Seph, I don't think that's a good-"

"I think it's a fan-fucking-tastic idea," Sephiroth interjected. "And I know just the place to start. What's his hometown?"

"W-What?"

"That little tumor you've recently acquired," he said, motioning with his fingers. "The fucking shrimp, the one that looks like a chocobo's asshole."

"Cloud?!"

"What's his last name?"

"Strife?!"

Sephiroth calmly typed the name into his database, pulling up a picture of a young boy with remarkably shaped golden hair. "Yeah, that's him," he said. "Nibbleheim. No, Nibelheim. Got it."

He stood up, kitting himself with his overcoat and Masamune. "I'll be right back, I'mma go raze this place to the ground."

"What the fuck? Sephiroth?" Zack's voice had reached a pitch of bewilderment suitable for training dogs. Sephiroth hardly cared less.

"Gonna go pick up Mother, and then we're gonna fucking rage," he said with a smirk, making to sweep past Zack and out the door.

"Holy shit, somebody call...somebody call someone," Zack shouted, planting himself in the doorway to Sephiroth's office. Behind him, Sephiroth's secretary gave him alarmed looks, but made no move to action.

"Zack, get out of my way," Sephiroth said, irritation lining his voice. "I'll be right back, and then we can dance, or make-out, or whatever the fuck your gay ass is trying to do to me right now." He tried unsuccessfully to maneuver his way around Zack without using brute force, to no avail.

"Jesus fucking Christ, what did he put in your Mako shots?!"

"Outta my way, Fair."

"General Sephiroth...sir?"

The small voice came from behind Zack's broad back, occluding his view of a face, but Sephiroth knew there was no mistaking that miserable coif of golden spikes peeking out from the sides. "Ah. Cockholster," he greeted. "Very good."

Cloud easily matched Zack's level of astonishment in mere seconds. "Sir?"

"I may as well inform you, I'm off to burn your hometown to the ground," Sephiroth stated with militant efficiency. "Is there anyone you'd like me to spare?"

"I—wha—sir?"

"No? No one?" Sephiroth grinned like a child on Christmas, though it lacked the same charming effect. "Very well, Cumdumpster. Didn't realize you were hiding a black hole for a heart inside that 12-year-old girl's body."

"I'm seventeen! And male!" Cloud forgot his shock at the state of his general in a moment of righteous indignation as he deliberately craned around Zack's body to stare Sephiroth down.

"Perfect," Sephiroth, finally opting for savagery and sending Zack to the ground with a crafty throw. "Zack, make sure he makes it into SOLDIER. We could use a couple more heartless killing machines like Cockbite here."

Cloud glanced between his fallen friend and the fast escaping general. "My name is Cloud," he said, helping Zack to his feet, and then quickly trailing behind as they hurried to catch up with Sephiroth.

"Why are you two still following me? This is a one man mission," he said, determinedly continuing on his path to the elevator as they ran alongside him.

"Sir, are you drunk?"

"Seph, are you high?"

"Probably," Sephiroth said, frowning deeply as Zack managed to cut in front of him, blocking the elevator. "To both. I'm too drunk and/or high to really know anymore. Or maybe I've just lost my fucking marbles, who knows?" He narrowed his eyes in warning.

"Seph-"

"Not you little dipshits, that's for sure," he continued with a snort. "Get the fuck out of my way."

Zack crossed his arms. "Sephiroth, I cannot let you leave the building like this," he said.

Sephiroth rolled his catlike peridot eyes. "You and what fucking army is gonna stop me? The army I'm the general of?"

"Seph—"

Cloud stepped in between Zack and Sephiroth. Perhaps rational talking would be of better use in this situation. "Sir, I think maybe you should take a couple moments to just, you know, calm down," he said, "maybe take a breather—"

Sephiroth raised an eyebrow. "I'll take a couple moments to shove my sword through your eye socket if you don't get the fuck outta my way," he said.

"Cloud," Zack said, hastily pulling the young man to the side.

"Thank you, Zack," Sephiroth said, pushing the button for the elevator. "Wise judgment. The cancer lives another day." He entered the carriage and was about to push the button for the top floor when Zack darted through the door, pulling Cloud behind him. Sephiroth glared at him, highly unamused.

Zack gave him a weak smile. "Seph, at least take us with you," he pleaded. If he couldn't stop Sephiroth from leaving for Nibelheim, maybe he could change his mind once they got there. "We could, uh...we could keep watch! Make sure no one else gets in your way."

"No one's getting in the way of a seven foot katana," Sephiroth deadpanned.

Cloud cleared his throat, reminding the two SOLDIERs that there was another occupant in the elevator. "Zack, he does have a point," he said.

Sephiroth nodded. "There you go," he said. "The little asshole speaks truth."

"Spiky, shut up," Zack said. The blond boy only shrugged, and Zack tugged on his hair in exasperation. "Seph! Please, just take us with you!"

"Nope," Sephiroth said. "Go away." The elevator dinged for the top floor.

Cloud was catching on more quickly than Zack. "Sir, I'd really like to witness the magnificence of your destruction firsthand, if it pleases you," he said.

"Done. Hurry up," Sephiroth said, striding from the elevator and making his way to the rooftop access stairwell, Cloud close on his heels.

Zack gawked for a moment before remembering to hurry after the pair. "Wh-what? Seriously? You're taking him?" His shriek echoed around the stairwell, amplifying his disbelief.

"He asked nicely," Sephiroth said. "And any human being who willingly wants to watch as I obliterate his hometown off the map gains my immediate and eternal approval." He pushed through the door at the top of the stairwell, bursting onto the rooftop without so much as a backwards glance. Cloud dutifully remained closer to Sephiroth than his own shadow.

Zack was indignant as he strode out onto the blacktop. "You can't take him without taking me," he argued, speeding up to a light jog as he tried to keep pace with Sephiroth.

"Really? 'Cause it looks like that's exactly what I'm doing," Sephiroth said. "Reno."

The prominent feature of the rooftop was the flamboyantly redheaded pilot standing beside the majestic black helicopter sitting on the pad, casually smoking a cigarette. At Sephiroth's command, he gave a sloppy salute and climbed into the helicopter, firing up the rotors without a word.

Zack knew he was losing time, fast. "Seph, you can't—"

"You've yet to give me a reason other than brainless sputtering as to why you may not be left behind," Sephiroth pointed out, pulling himself up beside Reno. He raised an eyebrow as he glanced at Zack. He would give him exactly ten seconds.

Cloud could tell Zack's defeat was imminent, and while he certainly thought it was probably a good idea to stop Sephiroth from slaughtering his entire village, he wasn't about to take on a psychotic SOLDIER on his own. He elbowed Zack, glaring frantically and motioning with his hands before he started pacing and muttering to himself. Sephiroth's foot began slowly tapping as his patience wore down.

It almost took Zack too long to catch the obvious excuse. "I—I—I'm his handler," he finally shouted, whirling back towards Sephiroth. "Young chocobos shouldn't travel without their handlers. How are you going to control him when he gets unruly?" Zack held his breath, hoping that the tactic of fighting crazy with crazier would work.

"...You will also clean up after him, and make sure he is fed," Sephiroth finally said, after a long perusal of Cloud's entire being.

Zack nearly danced. "Yeah! I'll take care of him entirely," he immediately agreed.

Sephiroth nodded as he pulled on his headset. "A point I overlooked," he said.
"Well done, Zack, you may accompany us."

Cloud punched his friend in the arm. "I can't believe you just did that, Zack," he hissed. Zack damn well knew that he hated anyone who propagated the rumours that he was the love child between a succubus and a chocobo, and convincing Sephiroth that he was an animal who necessitated a handler was doing exactly that.

Zack held his hands up in a penitent gesture. "I'll make it up to you, Spiky, promise," he pleaded.

"Hey," Sephiroth called out, fingers drumming against the dash, "if you two ladies are done fingering each other, I would like to depart."

Cloud and Zack immediately ceased their fighting.

"Right there, Seph."

"Coming, sir."

A/N: I'm very aware that this is not an update to any of my chaptered stories. In my defense, the only reason this is being brought up is because I went into my folder to start finishing up some chapters, and this bad boy cock-slapped me in the face, begging to be played with. I have honestly no idea where it came from, probably the dark recesses of my horrible sense of humour. I initially wrote out all the dialogue, and then just filled it out a little. It's not going anywhere, just like it didn't come from anywhere. Just an amusing re-imagining of what actually happened during that incident. I like to think that in some alternate universe somewhere, this is truth.

tl;dr: Have some shits and giggles. I'll get back to the usual programming shortly.