What a shame, what a shame we all remain
Such fragile broken things
A beauty half betrayed
Butterflies with punctured wings
Still there are darkened places deep in my heart
Where once was blazing light, now
There's a tiny spark
Oh Glory
Come and find me - Paramore
My feet sank further down into the soft mud with each step I took, pulling me down into its warm, wet embrace. Every muscle was burning and screaming for me to stop so they could rest. But there was no stopping. Not even as I stumbled, barely saving myself from a fall, I kept going. The sounds of the horde behind me mixed with my own quick breathing as I ran, trying to escape them.
I was too slow.
Rotting hands grabbed me, pulled me back, so arms could close around me and bring me into their deadly embrace. I let out a scream as the first pair of teeth pierced my skin and I felt my warm blood flow from the wound. Cold fingers tangled in my hair and I was forced down, pressed down into the mud in the middle of a scream. Teeth harshly scraped across my skin before sinking into it, biting off chunks of flesh and letting my blood mix with the mud. I screamed in agony. Struggling and fighting to get free but they were too many.
Then, teeth neared my throat, ready to bite into a major artery and end my life, but before they could break my skin, someone called my name.
''Lena?''
I abruptly sat up; huffing for air and a drop of sweat ran down my nose. My heart raced against my ribcage and it took me several second to remember where I was.
''Hey.''
I looked towards the tents opening, seeing Hiro looking at me in a mixture of curiosity and worry. I ran my hand through the curly mess my hair has turned into and took a few, slow breaths, trying to gain some control of my fanatic breathing pattern.
''You alright?''
''Yeah.'' I nodded, voice still thick from sleep.
''Good, get dressed then, we need to talk about something important with you.'' I glanced at him as he spoke and started on working my hair into a messy bun.
''Okay…'' I mumbled, slightly hesitating.
What's going on?
He ducked back outside, presumably waiting for me there as his footsteps didn't move away. Slightly hesitating, I stood up and quickly got dressed. Once I had gotten my boots on, I joined Hiro outside.
''You ready?'' He glanced at me as I got outside and showed me a faint smile before beginning to walk towards their base.
''What's going on?'' I asked and began to follow him.
''Riki started arguing with boss and then Kenshi got involved.''
''I'm guessing this has something to do with yesterday's episode, then…'' I murmured darkly.
Hiro stayed silent, not really needing to answer my question. I felt people glance at us, some whispering, as we passed then and it took a lot not to glare back at them with the best scowl I could portray. I let out a deep exhale as we finally reached the base and stepped inside, escaping the questionable and untrusting glances. We turned to the right and continued down the hallway until we reached the last door on the left side. In truth, I could have located the room easily just from the noise coming from it.
He knocked three times, the noise level reducing drastically, then he opened the door. The tension inside the room was thick enough to be cut. Three glances found me almost instantly as I stepped inside the room, two pair of stern eyes and a rather exhausted looking pair.
''Good, you're here.'' Atsumu sighed and seemed to relax a bit.
''What's going on?'' I asked while looking around, noticing how Kenshi and Riki were back to staring daggers at each other. I hesitated, trying not to worsen the already dangerous situation, and a long silence followed my ignorant question. Once someone did decide to speak, it was Kenshi.
''They're kicking you out.''
''What?'' I breathed, not sure how to react. I had predicted the episode yesterday wouldn't have gone by without some kind of ending but where I had expected to be stuck in my tent, they were actually throwing me out. My hand shook slightly while I tried to find something to say but my mind was blank. In all honesty, I didn't want to leave, not yet. Not when I had told Kenshi all those things. Then again, I couldn't say I didn't understand why they had made that choice. ''I-''
''You're not going anywhere.'' Kenshi interrupted me, his tone telling me to stay silent for now.
''Yes she is. She's nothing but unwanted trouble.'' Riki spoke up.
''Kenshi-'' I tried anyways.
''No, they can't-''
''Yes we can!'' Riki took a few steps closer to him. ''We already voted about it and there's nothing you can do.'' He sneered before turning around, his harsh eyes finding me. ''Take your stuff and get out.''
''There has to be another way! Just because she's immune doesn't mean that those things can't kill her!''
''I'm sure she's perfectly capable of defending herself.'' Riki muttered, obviously not interested in continuing this conversation.
''It's alright, I'll-'' I spoke but Kenshi quickly interrupted me.
''No, it's not!'' His glance moved to Atsumu. ''If she's immune, she could be the cure to all of this. How can you just ignore that fact? Besides, we already said she could stay, we've never gone back on our word before.''
''If her presence acts as a danger to everyone else here, I'm going to protect our camp, Kenshi.'' Atsumu spoke. ''The raiders are after her, if they find this camp and attack, it's going to be hard to protect everyone.''
''If you throw her out, the raiders will surely get her at some point.'' He argued and his glance flickered to me for just a few seconds. ''And you know damn well what they would do to her.'' He had lowered his voice as he spoke.
My glance flickered between the three men in front of me, what the hell was he talking about?
''That's not our problem.'' Riki had crossed his arms over his chest.
''Look, I never said I would volunteer to be the cure for all of this. As far as I know, I could just have been lucky or something.'' I finally got to say a sentence without being cut off.
''If you really are immune, you could play an important part in fixing all of this. You have to do it.'' Atsumu spoke as if he was lecturing me and I couldn't help but frown shortly. I really wasn't interested in drawing any attention to my situation but then again, what kind of person would I be if I didn't even try to help? Sure, my personality and attitude had taken a turn for the worse but I was still human.
''What about the group to the west?'' Hiro spoke for the first time since he entered the room and everyone's gaze flew to him. ''If the scientist guy they had with them is still alive, maybe he could do something?''
''Takuto had contact with them last week and he said everything was normal.'' Atsumu hummed.
''So, what? You're just going to send her there? In case you've forgotten, it takes a week to get there on foot.'' Riki scowled, not seeming impressed with the idea.
''If you give me a map I can probably-'' I tried to voice my opinion but I didn't get to say much before Kenshi interrupted me.
''I'm going with her.''
A short silence followed his unexpected words and I found myself staring at him completely dumbstruck.
Go with me?
''What the hell has gotten into you?'' Riki was the first to speak, his voice low and agitated. ''Hiro, get her out of here.''
''What? No!'' I protested but Hiro was already turning towards me.
''It's alright, I'll come find you later, Lena.'' Kenshi glanced at me, for a split second showing me his usual smile despite the messed up situation.
I swallowed hard and took a second to hesitate. They were alright right; I really had been nothing but trouble since the beginning, so why Kenshi was standing up for me was a complete mystery. And now this. I pressed my lips together in annoyance before for once doing as told and stepped outside with Hiro following me. The second the door closed, the yelling started anew.
''You should probably go back to your tent.'' Hiro frowned and looked at the door behind us, looking rather worried about the chaotic situation.
''Sorry.'' I breathed, causing him to turn to look at me again.
''What?''
''… nothing.'' I murmured and started walking, reminding myself to find my usual defensive shell and wear it. Weakness had never solved anything after all. In reality, it might have been what had messed this up so badly and by now, I didn't know how to fix it.
It's just a spark Every night I try my best to dream
But it's enough to keep me going
And when it's dark out, no one's around
It keeps glowing
Tomorrow makes it better
Then I wake up to the cold reality
And not a thing has changed - Paramore
''What the hell is wrong with you?!'' It was the first words that left my mouth the second he stepped inside my tent. I couldn't explain why exactly I was angry, maybe even enormously confused, but I had to at least try to make him realize what a bad idea this was.
''Hey.'' He sighed with a smile and looked as exhausted as ever.
I stared at him in disbelief as he acted so calm and watched him as he almost fell down on the mattress. His hands went up and covered his face, his long fingers spreading out on his forehead while he let out a long exhale. I felt my fire fueled by anger diminish before going out completely as I watched him. I exhaled through my nose and sat down next to him, keeping my eyes on his covered face. Once he felt my weight on the mattress, his hands moved down, slowly exposing his face and the tired expression he wore.
''Do you always act like this?'' I asked softly.
His eyes found mine and he shook his head shortly. ''No… ''He murmured and closed his eyes.
''Then, what's going on?''
''Honestly, I'm not sure I can really explain it… I just won't accept it.''
''You shouldn't stick your neck out for me.''
I watched him while the silence spread between us.
Why are you doing this?
I let out a soft breath. Why was it so hard to understand what was going on inside his head? I used to be good at reading people but then everything clouded, my opinion on my fellow humans turning grim and harsh. Wasn't he the one who was supposed to show me some light? That everything wasn't lost? I chewed on my lip while getting lost in my thoughts. Nothing was safe to say but, for whatever reason, I needed him. I needed his presence, his stupid smile and his optimism I couldn't understand how he had kept intact.
''Can you do me a favor?''
His voice interrupted my trail of thoughts and I looked at him a tad startled. He still had his eyes closed, which I was honestly rather thankful for, seeing as I had practically been staring at him all this time.
''Yeah…'' I mumbled, a slight rush of heat appearing in my cheeks.
''Can I just… Can I just lay here for a bit? I'm so tired…'' He breathed, already sounding like he was half asleep.
I stared at him in surprise over seeing this sudden sight of vulnerability. My glance softened and I let out a breath. ''Yeah, okay…'' I murmured as I studied him and watched as his face relaxed, the lines on his forehead disappearing. For the first time since I had gotten here, I wondered how exhausted he probably was. ''I don't get you. I'm nothing but trouble…'' I muttered to myself while listening to his steady breathing. ''I need you to show me why I should trust people again…''
I don't know how long I sat there and watched him. In some ways, I didn't really care, seeing as I had nothing better to do and the peaceful expression he wore was oddly relaxing. When I finally forced my eyes off him, I busied myself with taking care of my wound. Checking for infection and rewrapping clean bandage around it, hoping it would heal a bit quicker. It was then the silence came back. I sat still, listening to the steady breathing next to me while, for the first time in what felt like years, my mind was empty. I closed my eyes, relishing the silence and the missing thoughts that always clouded my mind. It reminded me of when it was easier to control my own thoughts and back when I wasn't guilt ridden by everything I had gone through and seen, back when things were simpler. My glance moved back to Kenshi, watching his chest rise and fall steadily, and I quickly made a decision.
I can't let him do this.
Before really settling on anything concrete and figuring out what to do, I stood up. My pulse was strangely calm considering the situation. I grabbed my nearby backpack, quickly but quietly packing what little I owned inside the tent. I hesitated before grabbing the first aid kit, not interested in stealing from people who had helped me but I knew I was going to need it sooner or later. Clustered thoughts reappeared in my head, all going in different directions while they debated wherever my idea was good or downright horrible. I didn't wait for them to decide and quickly headed out before I could change my mind.
Despite it, I still stopped. Drawing a soft breath, I looked at him for one last time and promised myself that I would remember him like that, peacefully sleeping. Then, swallowing hard, I exited the tent. It wasn't until then that my heart started to race and the reality of the situation hit me.
I'm doing him a favor. I'm doing him a fucking favor.
I told myself over and over with each step I took which brought me further away from the tent. I approached the gate with determined steps but my heart was racing in my ribcage and I wondered if the people could see how conflicted I was starting to feel. But there was no going back, not now. As if to promote my decision, the two men at the gate didn't say a word as they saw me approach and had the gate open as I got there. I stared at them both as I passed them, figuring Riki must have had instructed them earlier, judging from their hateful stares, and I didn't hesitate to get out of there, pulse drumming in my ears.
The light wasn't as bad as last time and even before I had heard the heavy rain, I figured it had to be cloudy. Frankly, I didn't care. I just had to get away. Once I took the steps which lead me out into the rain, I let out a long exhale, for once grateful for the rain and the feeling of it washing everything away. Never mind that I would be cold later, the only thing that mattered what the amazing feeling of it running down my face. I took a moment to simply stand there and finally moved when I felt recharged, making my way up the wet, dirt road. It hadn't been raining long enough to turn into proper mud, but it was still tedious to walk in, especially when going uphill. As I could see the road up ahead, my eyes scanned the area quickly. Much to my surprise, it seemed to be walker free at the moment but you could never really know how many there could be around you, so loud noises was something to avoid.
I came to my second stop as I stood on the road. If it hadn't been for the two abandoned cars, it could have seemed like any early summer day. A simple road, vacant of people, with green trees on one side and a grassy field on the other. I got a feeling that it would have been nice to have driven here and relax on the field, but those days were long gone.
A shudder ran through my body, reminding me to move unless I wanted to get cold quickly. The first instinct I had was to check the closets car, a green SUV which had seen better days, and I tried all the doors, making sure I was pulling them hard enough just in case they were stuck, but none of them budged. I cursed beneath my breath, my wet hair sticking to my skin as I looked around, hoping to find something else or I would have to walk. I moved to the second car and tried the same but the result was no different. While exhaling in defeat, I tipped my head upwards, welcoming the rain while I hoped it could clear my head for just a second.
It was then I had an idea.
I moved around the car, standing in front of the trunk. I took a deep breath and let both my hands search for the button or switch, or whatever mechanism would pop it open. They fumbled along the curve of the trunk while the rain dripped from the tips of my hair. I let out a quiet groan in frustration and then my fingers finally found the rusty button. I pressed it down, struggling to force it down, and much to my surprise, there was a soft clunk and it opened. I stared at it in awe for a moment before I opened it enough for me to be able to crawl inside. I closed the trunk with a heavy thud behind me, thankful of not being the tallest person in the world, and pushed my way over the backseat, far from elegantly. I left my backpack in the backseat and moved to the front, struggling to get into the right position so I could lie on my back with my head down at the pedals. I started working on getting the plastic panel loose and was already recalling how to hotwire the car when the doors unlocked.
I froze completely, not daring to move even the slightest. My eyes flew to the passenger's window, seeing nothing but the rain crashing against class. My eyes moved to the driver's window but besides not really being able to see anything from my position, nothing seemed to move. Even so, I stayed still, terrified of seeing and making any sudden movements. My eyes flickered between the two windows while I held my breath.
Telling myself it was nothing, my focus returned to trying to claw the panel open but my focus quickly shifted again once one of the doors in the back opened. Knowing it was impossible to avoid a conflict now; I drew the knife from my belt and sat up while pushing myself into the Passenger's seat, putting as much distance between me and what I was up against.
''Wha…'' I breathed and stared at him in surprise; just now noticing how quickly my chest was rising and falling because of my fanatic pulse.
He stared at me in silence while he got in, angrily sitting down on the backseat and then pushing the button on the remote, making the doors lock again.
I couldn't believe it, how the hell had he-
''Are you deliberately trying to piss me off?'' He looked at me, his eyebrows set in a deep frown, and his voice was low and calm, but I could hear the slight anger making it shake. ''Because you're getting very close to succeeding.'' He grumbled.
I was too dumbstruck to say anything, let alone trying to come up with a plausible excuse or explanation. Instead I stared at him in surprise, noticing how drenched he was and slightly out of breath. Had he been running? My silence made him sigh in frustration and he quickly pinched the bridge of his nose.
''How the hell did you even get in the car?''
I blinked. ''The trunk was unlocked.''
''Goddammit, Hiro.'' He groaned disgruntled and hung his head before letting his hand run through his wet hair. ''I thought we had gone over this, I-''
''I can't let you leave.'' I blurted out my honest feelings and felt my face heat up despite being cold from the rain. I pressed my lips together in frustration, no way I was getting out of this one without being honest, and before he could say anything, which he clearly was, I spoke again. ''Look, you have a home here, or whatever you'll it, I can't just let you leave that behind because you have some strange right furious idea about saving me.''
A silence followed my words and we simply sat in the car, staring at each other while the rain drummed against the metal roof and the windows. The way his eyes shifted from anger to something completely opposite made me catch my breath. His expression softened greatly and if I had known him better, I would have thought he was emotionally hurting.
''I'm not letting you go on your own.'' He breathed. His voice small and soft and his eyes had a fitting expression in them. ''I said I wanted to help you and I'm not going back on my word.''
''I don't get you…'' I mumbled. ''I don't get why you keep doing this, keep helping me…''
''… Because I want to fix you, is that so bad?''
I felt my lip quiver faintly, why are you smiling so softly at me now, you idiot?
''You're probably going to protest and tell me that you can't be fixed but I don't believe it. I can't fix everything and I can't promise anything but I just want to make you smile again. Please just let me and stop running away from me.''
''But what if you can't, Kenshi? Then I'll be nothing but a regret.'' My voice was unusually small and vulnerable, surprising even myself as I heard it.
''Then, at least I tried, but I'll never regret trying.''
I fell silent and cast my eyes down as I couldn't find anything to say. He was as stubborn about this as I was and I was running out of arguments and ideas for new. My lips moved without any sound while the knife was left at my feet so both my hands could run through my soaked hair. My glance found him again as he shifted in the backseat. He moved rather clumsily to the driver's seat and slumped down in it.
''Right, let's get going then.''
''Wait, we're driving?'' I asked in surprise and watched as he fumbled with the keys.
''Well, as far as the gas is going to take us. Once we run out, we'll scavenge whatever area we'll be in at the time.'' He spoke and brought them car alive. The motor complained and groaned before sounding like I remembered. It was a strange feeling of nostalgia.
''Right…'' I mumbled and looked out the window as the car started moving. Despite the rain obscuring the view, seeing the row of trees outside move and blend into one, green, blurry row through the rain drops on the window made me fall silent. I sat there, clustered thoughts racing through my mind, and tried to find something to say. A feeling I knew as something warm and which had once made my skin tingle showed itself in my stomach and I felt my face turn pale. I didn't need things to turn complicated between us just because I couldn't help but feel slightly special because of all he done for me in a mere week. Even so, I couldn't quite keep myself from it.
''Sorry…'' I mumbled after a long silence but I kept my stare fixated on the outside, which was turning dark. It reminded me of the still wet clothes I was wearing and I couldn't help but shudder. ''I'm sorry. I thought… no, I still think that you're crazy for insisting on coming along, so I wanted to take off without you. Then you wouldn't be leaving all of this for some stupid risk…'' I murmured and removed a few, wet strands of hair from my face. ''I'm not used to people giving a shit about what I do or what I don't… not anymore at least.'' I sighed and finally made myself look at him. He looked calm enough as he had been listening to me talk. Rain was still dripping from the tips of his hair and he was probably as cold as I was.
''Just tell me one thing. Where were you headed? You don't know where our other base is, so you couldn't be trying to reach is without any knowledge.'' He asked while his eyes stayed focused on the road.
I stared at him in silence before I averted my eyes. ''… Nowhere.'' I lied. ''I didn't have a plan. I just wanted to get away before I would change my mind or have you notice that I was gone.''
''You-''
''Hey, Kenshi, you there?'' A voice came from the backseat and it sounded like it was coming from a radio. I recognized the voice as Hiro's and I eyed Kenshi in confusion.
''Can you reach my bag? The walkie-talkie should be attached to the side of it.''
''Yeah… sure…'' I mumbled and bent around before sitting on my knees in the seat so I could reach the bag. I pulled the bag closer to me while Hiro's voice appeared again, this time closer to me. ''Kenshi, come on!'' He groaned through the speaker while I got the bag turned around and found the walkie-talkie. I brought it back with my and let out a slight huff as I fell back down in the passenger seat. ''Here.'' I hummed and handed him the walkie-talkie.
''Thanks.'' He mumbled as his eyes flickered to locate my hand and his right hand quickly went to grab it. ''It's me.'' He spoke as he pressed the button on the side down and released it afterwards, waiting a few seconds for the reply.
''Where are you? The boss want's to speak with you.'' Hiro questioned and Kenshi quickly grimaced. It was then I realized that they didn't know that he had left yet.
''You can still turn around and go back.'' I spoke and looked straight at him.
A short silence followed before he shook his head. ''No, I already told you-''
''But Kenshi-''
''I'll be back in less than two weeks.'' He spoke while holding down the button.
The reply came almost instantly.
''Back? Wait, you already left?! Are you insane?!'' Hiro's voice stuttered through the static, somehow sounding like his confusion and even slight anger made it sound like that. ''Riki will rip you head off if he gets the chance!''
''Well, he won't get to, not yet… Look, I'm sorry for not saying anything. Things kinda got a little…'' He paused shortly and his glance met mine for a split second. ''… Hectic.'' He sighed.
''Let me guess, she ran away or something…'' Hiro sighed over the walkie-talkie but his once Kenshi didn't say anything, a snort followed as he figured out he was right. ''… Seriously? I like her more and more.''
''Hiro-'' Kenshi started but I snatched the walkie-talkie from him.
I didn't hesitate to push down the button while Kenshi protested next to me. ''I tried to sneak off without him because I didn't want him to leave you guys behind, please don't be mad at him, but he's driving right now so-''
''No, don't say that!'' Kenshi grimaced as he looked at me.
''Driving? Wait, you took one of the cars?'' Hiro's excited voice followed quickly.
''Shit…'' Kenshi groaned defeated and slumped back in his seat.
I stared at him in confusion but it was somewhat cleared once Hiro spoke, this time laughing.
''You really took one of the cars? Riki's definitively going to rip your head off now!''
''He most definitively will.'' Kenshi muttered beneath his breath.
''Why is that such a big problem?'' I asked, trying to clear some of my confusion.
''How many working cars do you see these days?''
''Yeah okay, I can see why…'' I mumbled.
''Hand me the Walkie-talkie.'' I gave it to him again. ''Hey, Hiro…''
''Yeah?''
''Can you tell the other's about this without making it sound like a big deal? Then get Takuto to radio the other camp and tell them we're coming, maybe even bringing guests in case the raiders are going to be a problem.''
''Yeah, on it.''
''Great, thanks… Do you remember if Takuto fixed the range problem we had on these things?''
''Uh… he said something about it having a dead zone between our base and the other's, but the zone shouldn't be as big as before.''
''Alright. We should be fine if we can keep the car running then.''
''You should, yes. So, uh, the usual deal about contact?''
''Yeah… I'll contact you later.''
''Good, I'm out then.''
''Yeah, out.''
A silence followed Kenshi's last words and we were back to listening to the rain hit the car, the one functioning window wiper screeching across the driver's side of the windshield and the motor running. Somehow, they all mixed together as a rhythm and it was strangely relaxing.
''There's a cabin we usually use whenever we take supply runs or go to the other bases, and I think we should spend the night there.'' Our eyes met shortly as we both glanced at the other person. ''I'm not risking either of us getting sick because of our wet clothes.''
In a mix of exhaustion, being cold and him sounding pretty determined, I didn't bother to say anything else besides a low 'alright' and nod. I leaned my head against the cold window and let out a slow exhale while I closed my eyes.