Author's Notes: Um...it's a bit late? Okay, a lot late. I'm really, really, really sorry that this took over a year to post. I know it sucks when you're reading something and the author stops writing for, like, ever. My only excuses are that real life got in the way quite a bit -- this was my last year of college so a lot of my usual free writing time got sucked away (in particular I took a creative writing course first semester that required a lot of out-of-class writing, so most of my writing time that semester was being used for that class). And it didn't help matters that the Hikago manga ended rather...abruptly last year, which admittedly made my interest wane a bit. Anyhow, stuff intervened and it took me forever and I am exceedingly sorry and throw myself on the mercy of my reviewers (and for anyone who emailed me and never got a reply, thank you and sorry I never wrote you back, I'm horrible with email). Anyway, this chapter's a little short and I'm not sure how happy I am with it, bt hopefully it'll do after making everyone wait so long for it.
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Hikaru sat on his bed and stared out the window, watching as Akira walked away. The other boy's head was bowed slightly, and his walk was slightly faster than usual.
Did I say something stupid? Did I make him mad? Hikaru wondered, wrapping a hand around his head as he curled up next to the pillow. It's just...I didn't know what to say. I--I wanted to say something, anything! But I didn't know what. I don't...I don't think I feel that way for him.
Or maybe I do. I never thought about it before, really. I mean...it's Touya. Touya. He's not...I don't think about that sort of thing with him. Should I have said something different? What would you say, Sai? I need advice.
There was no answer, of course, he'd known that, but it never hurt to ask. And he was desperately in need of advice now. Hikaru's head was swimming, and somehow all he could see in his mind was that swift spasm of pain that had crossed Akira's face when he hadn't been able to choke out an answer.
I'm sorry, Touya. Hikaru sighed and put a hand to his cheek, still remembering the sting from when Akira had slapped him a few days earlier. I just...I don't wanna say anything to you that's a lie, you know? I've been sorta lying to you about Sai all this time anyway, and about me...I didn't want to just say what you wanted to hear because I knew it'd make you sad later on, but....I didn't want you to be hurt like this either. I'm--I'm just sorta confused. Because we were friends and then we weren't, and you said you loved me and ran away, and then you acted so strange and started telling all this stuff to me, and I never know what to think about you.
And that game.... Hikaru winced and lowered his head, Akira's words still ringing in his mind.
"It always seems to come down to that game, because that the game that eventually led me to chase you."
But that isn't me, Hikaru thought darkly. That was never me. It's--it's not really me he's thinking about, not really. The game he's playing wasn't mine. So then--then how'm I supposed to answer him? What doesn't he want me to say? Because he's confusing me like he always does and then he brings up that game and says he's thinking of me and he's not--the person he's playing doesn't exist anymore. That game isn't what he thinks it is.
Hikaru felt a headache coming on. He was confused and he knew it, and didn't like it. But everything about Akira seemed determined to confuse him lately. He'd been floored by Akira's declaration all those days earlier, but the other boy's reaction had been so sudden that Hikaru hadn't really given any deep thought to the matter. There was no time then, and everything just kept getting more and more convoluted, and it was easy to forget where it had started. But now...
Now I owe him an answer, Hikaru thought firmly. I mean, even if it isn't what he wants to hear...we're friends, I know we are, and I can't let him go unanswered. It isn't fair to do that. He told me how he felt, he accepted it, now I--I just have to answer him. But I don't know how! What sort of thing can I say to him? I don't want to hurt him, and I don't want to lie to him, either. But I don't know if it even would be lying, if I said no. I just....
I just...
Shaking his head tiredly, Hikaru rolled over onto his side and closed his eyes, hoping that maybe things would make more sense in the morning.
---
The next morning, Hikaru was dismayed to find that nothing had conveniently sorted itself out and he was still as confused as ever. If anything, everything was even more confusing than it had been before.
I wonder if I'll see him today... Hikaru thought idly as he slowly ate breakfast. No, probably not. He said that he'd see me in a few days. That's good, right? It'll...give me time to think...
I hope he's okay. The thought was sudden, and Hikaru found himself feeling worried. He looked so sad when he left. He never looks like that. I can never read his face anymore, I can never tell what he thinks. Then he comes in here and makes a full confession and what the hell am I supposed to do now?
Hikaru sighed and stared up at the ceiling. He'd have to see Akira eventually. He'd have to give him an answer, even if it was one the other boy wouldn't want to hear.
Just forget about him for a little while, Hikaru told himself. I gotta go meet Waya and Isumi later anyway. Maybe if I stop thinking about it for a while it'll be a little bit clearer. I'm gonna be as obsessive as Touya at this rate. The thought made him smile, but it wasn't the carefree smile he generally wore. A small rebellious part of him pointed out that if it hadn't been for recent events, he'd be preparing to meet Akira at the Go salon about now, and it made his heart sink. Dammit Touya, why'd you have to make everything so difficult...
His heart wasn't in the thought and he knew it, but it didn't change anything. Hikaru shifted in his seat and thought over Akira's words again.
"Somehow, I started to love you, and try as I might, I haven't been able to stop."
He wasn't lying when he said that. I know Touya, and I know he really meant that. He's been thinking about this the whole time, I'm sure of it, and he finally was able to tell me...and I don't have an answer. I don't want to hurt him. I just...I just don't know what to do. Sighing, Hikaru stood and went back up to his room. He just needed more time.
When he finally left the house about an hour later, he had almost successfully managed to put Akira out of his mind for the time being. He was going to meet Waya and Isumi and play Go, which was problematic because thoughts of Go generally led to thoughts of Touya which led to more confusion, though on the other hand he was also hoping that a game or two might help calm his mind. When he stepped out of the house he half-expected Touya to appear out of nowhere again and confront him.
That's not too paranoid, Hikaru thought defensively. He used to do that all the time before, after all. His face fell. If I don't figure this all out, I guess he won't do it anymore, huh? This can't go back to the way it was before, even if I want it to. He's not just going to go back to being my rival -- even if he says he would, it wouldn't be the same 'cause I'd know better and so would he. I don't want to lose that, though. I don't want to lose him completely like that.
Hands in the pockets of his coat, Hikaru continued to make his way towards Waya's apartment. It was a nicer day than the past few had been, which inexplicably raised his spirits. A light wind blew in his face and the clouds above were soft and light gray, not at all like the dull rain clouds that had been hovering around most of the week.
It's a good sign, Hikaru told himself. A good sign and a nice day and I'm not going to let myself get down about things just yet. I have time until I need to give Touya an answer. I just--just need to calm down and think about Go for a while, that's all, just think about something else and clear my head and all, and then I'll be ready to tell him... whatever it is I'm going to tell him.
Isumi and Waya were already in the middle of a game when he arrived.
"You're late, Shindou!" Waya said, looking up momentarily from the board. Hikaru glanced at the game as he took off his coat; Isumi seemed to be winning. "We started without you."
"You're losing," Hikaru teased him as he sat down between them, still observing the board.
"We're not playing very seriously," Isumi said. "We were just waiting for you. What took so long?"
"It...ah, it's complicated, okay?" Hikaru put a hand to his head. "I'm here now, right? Can we just play?"
"Is something wrong?"
"Sorta. I can't really talk about it. It's just something really confusing happened yesterday and it keeps bothering me."
"You better be careful not to let your concentration get messed up," Waya said. "Or else we'll both beat you easily, right Isumi-san?"
"I can play fine," Hikaru said, even though he really wasn't quite sure about that. "Do you two want to finish?"
"Nah, we can start doing something else," Waya said. "Isumi-san brought the kifu from some of last week's games that we can try recreating."
"You're just saying that because you're losing," Isumi said with a smile even as he began clearing his stones from the board.
"One of Touya's matches is in there too, you know," Waya said pointedly to Hikaru, changing the subject.
"Touya, huh?" Hikaru felt his good mood deflate a little.
"I still can't believe he hit you," Isumi said. "That doesn't seem like Touya at all. I've seen him when he plays and I know that he can be almost frighteningly serious, but I never expected something like that out of him. He doesn't seem like the type of person who would fly off the handle easily."
"He's been under some stress lately, I guess." Hikaru shrugged noncommittally. "It was kinda my fault too. I really made him upset, I think."
"I don't get why you hang out with him all the time," Waya muttered.
"He's a nice guy when you get to know him," Hikaru said, suddenly feeling stirred to Akira's defense. "He's just really engrossed in playing Go and all. It's not like we're any different, Touya's just a lot more serious and all. But he's not a bad guy."
"He hit you," Waya pointed out.
"I told you, that was a...thing," Hikaru trailed off. "It'd take too long to explain, okay? But that was just a one-time thing, because I made him so upset. Usually we argue and stuff, just like I argue with you sometimes, Waya. And he's fun to play Go with. We meet at his dad's Go salon all the time and play against each other, and even if we end up arguing about something it's still a good game in the end. He's really smart about Go, and I know he likes having me as his opponent even if he doesn't like saying so. And anyway, he's my friend too, just like you guys are. He's just not used to dealing with people his age or anything, since he's always been around old guys all his life."
"If you say so." Waya shrugged.
"I think it's good for you two to be friends," Isumi said. "If you like playing against him, that's a good thing, right? And it helps you both get better. I've seen Touya's game -- he's definitely a genius like his father, but I think there still could be some things that Shindou could teach him. Waya's just annoyed because Touya always beats him."
"Yeah, see? I like being Touya's friend. Just because we're rivals doesn't mean I have to hate him." Hikaru shifted a bit. But then there's the whole part where he said he loved me and how I'm all confused now, and I can't tell you guys that part because it would just make things even worse. But I meant it when I defended him. I do like playing against him, and having him as a rival and a friend. I'm just not sure if I feel anything more besides that.
He sat in thoughtful silence for a while as Isumi and Waya proceeded to recreate another game, chiming in here and there with a few thoughts so that they wouldn't think he was too distracted. At one point, after Hikaru had been silent for far too long, Waya poked him with a finger.
"Oi, Shindou. You okay? You're too quiet today."
"I'm fine! I'm just thinking," Hikaru muttered.
"You weren't even paying attention to the board," Waya said. "If you're thinking, it's not about the game."
"I was paying attention, I just..." Hikaru let the sentence hang as a thought came to him. "Hey, do you guys ever just, you know, play a game without thinking?"
"Huh?"
"Like..." Hikaru paused, trying to think of how to explain it. "Like you're sitting at home and practicing and nobody's there, but you're distracted so you're not really paying as much attention to the game as you should, and you end up playing some game you've played before or memorized a lot or something?"
"Sometimes," Waya admitted. "It doesn't happen a lot, though. Sometimes I end up playing something I've studied the kifu of a hundred times, and I don't even realize it. Usually not exactly, though."
"The same thing happens to me too," Isumi said. "I think it's just a natural reaction. If you've played a certain game enough times, your hands just automatically seem to place the stones somewhere. If I ever start a game and I'm not really thinking I've noticed that my first move tends to be one that I make in a lot of games, partially because there are always certain moves that are good to start with, and partially because I'm used to doing so. You could do a whole game that way -- though like Waya said, it probably wouldn't be exact, unless you've really memorized that game. I guess in a way you always subconsciously remember the moves you've made most often, and the game you've recreated the most."
"I guess that would be right," Hikaru murmured. "I've never really tried actually, I was just thinking about it." Usually when I was playing at home I had Sai there, so I was always paying attention. And afterwards I was always thinking about it when I played. "I wonder what game I'd play?" he wondered aloud.
"Maybe nothing." Isumi shrugged. "Sometimes playing a game without thinking ends up looking like it too, you know. I've done it a few times when it's ended up looking like something a beginner would do -- usually it gets me to pay attention more."
So if Touya plays that second game between him and Sai, he must've recreated it a million times before, Hikaru thought. He must have been really obsessed with it. But...but it still wasn't me he was playing. Even if he thinks it was.
They played a few more games before Hikaru finally left, still feeling confused and a little off kilter. He wandered slowly through the streets on his way home, still lost in thought.
How do you play a game without thinking, anyway? he wondered, kicking at a bit of snow that was gathered near a lamppost. You always have to think when playing Go, it's part of the game. And if I'm too busy trying not to think while I play I'll end up thinking and then everything'll just get messy again. And what if I end up with nothing helpful anyway, like Isumi-san said? It won't help me any, and I still won't know what to say to Touya. And I need something to tell him, because otherwise we'll never be friends or anything again, and I don't want that. So I need an answer. Some kind of answer.
When he got home he went straight up to his room, ignoring his mother's cheerful greeting. He had to figure things out, somehow. He had to try.
"All right then," Hikaru decided and sat down in front of his Goban. Closing his eyes for just a moment, he began to think of other things, of old games with his friends and arguments with Touya and nights running home in the snow.
And then he began to play.
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And that's another chapter down. I'll try my best to make the wait significantly shorter next time.