Disclaimer: I don't own anyone in this fic, as much as I wish I might. (on the other side of things, however, Touya Akira does occasionally rent my soul on weekends.)
Author's Note: Okay, my second Hikago fic and nothing much really happens in the first chapter. Eventually there'll be AkiHika and shounen ai and all that good stuff, just not in this chapter. Anyway, I hope someone likes what little of this I've got, and read, review, etc.
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"I wish we never
Wish we never
Wish we never met
'Cause now I've got my heart set on you."
-- Kathleen Wilhoite, "Wish We Never Met"
He's late. Akira glanced quickly away from the clock and back at the Go board, where he was replaying the same game for the fifth time. He's usually here by now, and he didn't say anything about not coming today.
"Akira-kun? Are you all right?" Akira glanced up as Ichikawa set a cup of coffee by his side.
"Hmm?"
"You looked distracted," Ichikawa said. "Is something bothering you?"
"No," Akira said quickly. "Just...Shindou is late. We were going to go over a few more games today, like we usually do. He never called to say he wasn't coming. Though I suppose it's too much to expect Shindou to be on time every time we meet, being as he is Shindou, after all. But he's not usually this late."
"Do you have his number?" Ichikawa asked. "You could use the phone to call him, if you're worried."
"I'm not worried," Akira said succinctly. "I'm....annoyed. Waiting for him like this is an inconvenience."
"If you have to leave, I could just give him a message from you if he shows up," Ichikawa suggested.
"No, that's all right. I don't have anything to do." Akira sipped his coffee. "I'll wait for him. But thank you for the offer, Ichikawa-san."
"You're welcome, Akira-kun. If you change your mind, just tell me before you leave." With that, Ichikawa left to tend to the other customers. Akira leaned back in his chair and glanced at the clock again.
I'm not waiting for him, Akira told himself firmly. Certainly not. Wait for Shindou? How absurd. It's simply that I don't have anything else of importance to do right now. As long as I'm here, I may as well recreate a few games and practice my Go. If Shindou shows up, then it's just as well; I'll have someone to play against. But I am most definitely not waiting for him to show up. And I certainly don't care that he's nearly an hour late.
I wonder if he'll call? The thought came into his head with disturbing suddenness. I'm just wondering because calling would be the polite and logical thing to do. Which is precisely why Shindou probably won't do it. I don't think he even knows the number here anyway, and he doesn't know my home number. He wouldn't look it up in the phone book, either, because he's like that. Things like calling ahead when you're going to be late probably slip his mind entirely. He's such a strange person, such an odd presence. I don't know why I bother with him. He's not very serious at all, and likes to cause trouble and argue with me and everyone else around here. Kitajima-san doesn't understand why I spend so much time with Shindou, since he's not as good as I am. But I know why. There is....something....in Shindou. Not just the Shindou I played back in sixth grade. This Shindou, too, has something. It's strange, but...it's not just about Go. There's just something in Shindou that draws me close and makes me want to...to...
Akira shook his head. There was no time for such thoughts, he needed to keep practicing. Akira laid out a few more stones, then glanced up at the clock again.
Where is he? he thought irritably. Shindou, you idiot. You're so scatterbrained, being late and not even calling. If you weren't going to meet me here, you should have said so. We could've met another time. Akira felt a small smile hover over his lips. I like meeting you. I'm not sure why. What's wrong with me today, that I keep thinking of you like this? Though--though I suppose I think of you often, don't I? Because you're my rival, so it's natural I should think of you. Akira deliberately turned back to the Go board. And that's the only reason why. Why else would I think of Shindou, if not because he's my rival? There aren't any other reasons I would be so focused.
The minutes ticked by, and Akira found himself getting increasingly more anxious. It was becoming hard to remember the next move in the game he was so patiently recreating, and his eyes kept drifting back to the clock. He stirred a finger distractedly in his coffee, took a drink, then ran his hands through the casks of stones. It was getting later.
Where could he be? Perhaps he forgot entirely? That would be like him, forgetting something like that. Maybe he got distracted by a passing ramen shop and had to stop and eat. Maybe those other pros he's friends with--what are their names again?--met him on the way here, and they stopped to talk. He wouldn't go off with them and forget about me, would he? Akira felt an uncomfortable pain rise in his chest. Surely he wouldn't forget about me because of them. I should've made sure he wrote our meeting time down. But we always play against each other today, there's no reason he should forget today. Perhaps I should call him, like Ichikawa-san suggested. I don't know his number, but I'm sure there's a phone book I could look it up in. Should I call him? Would he get upset, if I did that? Maybe it would be too familiar, calling him like that. Friends call each other, I'm sure, but...are we friends? He never mentions it if we are, and I'm not really sure. How do people know when they're friends? We don't hate each other and we don't ignore each other. We talk, but it's always about Go. Is that enough to make us friends? I wouldn't want to call Shindou unless I was sure, he might not like someone who he's not friends with calling him.
Akira laid a few more stones, then, in a sudden, decisive motion, swept all the stones off the board and began recreating the game from the beginning.
I think....I think I would like to be his friend.
It was still getting late. Akira glanced back at the clock, then out the window. It had just begun to snow, tiny white flakes falling from the sky, skating on the wind and covering the ground. Akira shivered slightly with the memory of the cold wind blowing outside, and wrapped his arms about himself momentarily. Ichikawa-san caught sight of him and walked towards him, looking worried, but Akira quickly shook his head and indicated that he was fine. It had just been a strange moment of allowing his imagination to run away with him, which was admittedly a strange thing for him.
It will only get colder as the sun goes down, Akira mused. The smart thing would be to leave now, before it gets darker. He looked at the clock again, mentally counting each tick of the second hand. But...what if Shindou arrives? Maybe I should wait a few minutes more...just a few minutes more.
An hour later he still sat at the Go board, placing stones and clearing the board at intervals. He barely noticed that he had been recreating the same game over and over again, and that he had yet to complete it.
Where is he? Once again, Akira glanced up at the clock on the wall. He felt as though he had memorized its face, its every detail, he had looked at it so often in the past hour. It always felt as if an eternity had passed since the last time he looked, yet each time it would be revealed to have only been mere minutes.
I should have left hours ago, Akira thought darkly. I should leave now. But...what if Shindou arrives? I'm sure he will, some time soon. He'll run in and apologize, and then I'll scold him for being late and he'll look sheepish and laugh. He'll probably tell me I shouldn't be so uptight about it all, and I'll tell him I'm not being uptight, I'm being mature. He'll probably forget about being late just a few minutes afterward, and I'll scold him again, and he'll tell me I need to get over it, and that we should play. Maybe I'll make him sweat a bit over it. I'll glare at him and he'll tell me I'm being scary again. Then we'll forget about it all and play, and I'll be home late because of him.
Akira sighed heavily and cleared the Go board. Am I being stupid now? Shindou isn't coming. He's totally forgotten, and I'm just sitting here for no good reason, playing the same game over and over. I should go home soon, or my parents will worry.
Despite those thoughts, Akira began to recreate his game yet again. He felt a strange mix of feelings rise up within him, part sadness, part resentment. He alternated between staring at the Go board, staring at the clock, and looking out the window. It was still snowing.
Of course he forgot about me. Akira felt an odd sort of miserable anger grow inside him. Why would Shindou need to remember me? I doubt he even likes me very much. He doesn't care that I'm here, waiting. But that's okay, right? I don't care about him either. He's just a rival, that's all. Just another rival. He can never show up again for all I care. I don't mind if he forgets. I don't feel upset about it at all. Not one bit. It's just.... He shook his head wildly. Just nothing. Why am I acting so strange? I should have left when he was first late. There's no reason to stay and wait for him. Why should I wait? He's nothing important anyhow.
Akira stood up abruptly.
"Oh, are you leaving, Akira-kun?" Ichikawa asked, walking by.
"Yes, I think so," Akira said firmly. "I doubt Shindou will show up at all now. I may as well leave."
"If you want to wait a little longer, I could take you home," Ichikawa suggested.
"No, that's okay. I'll walk."
"Are you sure?"
"Don't worry, Ichikawa-san. It's not that could outside."
"Well, if you say so..." Ichikawa didn't look happy, but she moved away anyway. Akira smiled after her and bent down to clear the Go board. It was then he noticed for the first time what game he had been continually recreating for the past two hours.
It's that game...the second one I played against Shindou. Akira stared at the board. Why that game? Why does it always come down to that game?
A sudden rush of uncomfortable feelings arose inside him, and Akira brushed them away even as he brushed the stones off the Go board and returned them to their proper casks.
Outside, the sun had just recently set, and the snow-covered streets were lit by street lamps. Akira stepped out into the snow, wrapped in a coat and scarf, gloves on his hands. He stared up towards the dim outline of the moon, watching his breath curl against the sky.
I suppose...I should go, he thought. It will only get later. And Shindou...of course he won't be here. I can talk to him tomorrow, at the regular dan games. Then I'll ask him why he never showed up.
Akira sighed softly, and glanced behind himself, half-expecting to see Hikaru run up, out of breath and apologizing. But the streets were nearly empty, and Akira suddenly felt very alone. It was a feeling he was used to, though it didn't often bother him. It bothered him now.
Why do I feel like this? A cold wind blew by and Akira shivered, pulling his coat up tighter around his slender frame. It's all so strange, this affair I have with Shindou. I'm not used to dealing with people like him. I don't really talk to anyone else my age. They don't understand me, and so they ignore me, or make fun of me and try to make me mad. They think I don't hear them, when they call me cold and arrogant. But it doesn't matter what they think of me; it won't change the way I am, so why worry about it? No one my age ever understands the way I feel about Go, and how I can be so serious about it. They don't understand why I don't act like a normal child. But why would I want to act that way? I like being who I am, and playing Go makes me happy. So it's fine that I don't have anyone my age to talk to. Or it was, until I met Shindou.
What is it about him? He's...a special person, I suppose. He always says that it's strange that I'm so focused, but he does understand. He realizes how important Go is. Even the other young pros don't seem to understand, but Shindou...Shindou knows. He knows that I'm not the arrogant bastard they all think I am. And--and it makes me happy, to know that he doesn't hate me the way the rest of them do.
Akira paused at a corner, leaning on the streetlamp and gazing towards home.
I don't understand it at all. Has Shindou changed me, that I care so much what he thinks? When this all began it never mattered to me, if he liked me or not. Now I wonder if he sees me as a friend as well as a rival, if he sees who I really am, not who all the others believe I am. No one's opinion mattered to me before, except Father's and perhaps Ogata-san's, and maybe the other more experienced pros, and then only in regards to Go. When did Shindou's thoughts become important to me at all? Perhaps it's just the cold, making me think this way. Maybe I'll feel differently in the morning.
Akira trudged along down the street, head bowed in thought. The crowds were a little thicker here, but still no one paid any attention to him. Once Akira caught himself scanning the crowd for Shindou, and quickly lowered his head again.
Don't think of him. I have to stop thinking of him. When did he become so important to me? Akira took a deep breath and moved on. I don't remember feeling this way before. I feel...almost sad, but almost happy too. Is there something wrong with me? Am I sick? This is a new feeling to me.
Finally, Akira reached home. He carefully opened the door, announcing his presence as he stepped out of his shoes and removed his coat.
"You're later than usual, Akira-san," his mother said, walking towards him. "Did you get caught up in a Go game again?"
"No, nothing like that," Akira said. "I was waiting for someone. T-to play against, I mean. An opponent was supposed to meet me at the Go salon, but he was late so I decided to wait." Akira paused, debating whether to ask the question that was still fresh in his mind. "Did--" He stopped himself momentarily, then steeled his resolve and plowed on. "Did anyone call for me?"
"No, I don't believe so, Akira-san," Akiko replied, and Akira felt his heart sink without being quite sure of the reason. He was careful, however, not to allow the change in feelings to register on his face. He fixed a placid smile on his face and headed towards his room.
"I'm a little tired. I think I'll go to bed now."
"Are you feeling all right?" Akiko questioned, moving as if to follow him.
"I'm fine," Akira said, knowing it was only a half-truth. "You don't need to worry about me."
Akira entered his room and closed the door, then sank down on the floor, staring at the Goban sitting in the corner. He felt the urge to recreate another game and smothered it, knowing quite well what game he would end up replaying.
Tomorrow....tomorrow I'll talk to Shindou, he decided. I'll ask him why he never came. I'm sure there's a good explanation for his absence. Once I know, I'll feel better, won't I? These unfamiliar thoughts will all go away. I'll talk to him tomorrow, and things will be normal again.
With that thought still on his mind, Akira laid down, still fully clothed, and closed his eyes, waiting for sleep to clear his mind of all the current oddly jumbled thoughts. It was a long time in coming.
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So where was Hikaru all this time? Why, tied up in my closet of course. (Okay, no he wasn't. If any Hikago boy is going to be tied up in my closet, it'll be Akira.) Anyway, the real answer will be in the next chapter, which hopefully won't take too long (though anyone who's ever slogged through my Digimon fics knows that I can procrastinate at times.) Anyway, more coming eventually.