Mice, Woodpeckers, Intelligence, Sentence Coherence, Social Awkwardness and The Rules of How a Hanging Tree Works

A/N: Co-authored by TheNewIdea

3 a.m.

As he dreamt of baboons and periwinkles, Reepicheep was disturbed by the pecking of a woodpecker.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

A pause.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

"I am officially five seconds away from committing murder and having no quarrels about it." The mouse said rather sleepily still trying desperately to hold on to his fantasy of romance and wonder.

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

"That's it, don't care anymore." He removed himself from his bed, lit a candle walked towards the nearest window opened it and said:

"Hey!"

The woodpecker, who was in the tree just above Reepicheep's house, looked down, saw the rodent and smiled. "Oh, hello Mister Mouse, how are you today?"

Reepicheep rolled his eyes, "Great, you're one those conversationalists."

"Did you say something gov?" The woodpecker.

The mouse sighed, "Yes, I did. Just to clarify for you, I've never been on a political platform, council or participated in any sort of voluntary political opinion poll ever in my life. So to use your saying, 'gov' which I'm assuming is short for governor, let me say with sound assurance that I never have, never will be, and will never seek to be the political reprehensive of anything. Ever. I'm not a politician, I'm not anything but a mouse."

"Ah, but you could be the governor of the mice!"

"Ludicrous and insane, and do you have any idea at all how ridiculous that title sounds? Governor of the Mice? How...laughable. Almost embarrassing to your species."

"Woodpeckers," the bird said, "are highly intelligent."

"Really? Highly intelligent are you? Well why in all that is good are you destroying your brain?"

"I'm not destroying my brain, I'm using my beak. There's a difference, a big difference and you're mucking it up!"

Reepicheep climbed out of his home and confronted the bird and said very matter-of-factually, "That sentence made no coherent sense."

"Well," the woodpecker replied, "most of the things I say don't make a lot of sense."

"I can imagine why." The mouse said.

"Are you singing that song?" The woodpecker asked.

"What song?" Reepicheep asked.

"You know the song." The woodpecker said.

"No, I don't, what are talking about?"

"You know." The woodpecker said.

"I really don't."

"Yes you do!" The woodpecker repeated.

"No I don't! Now can we please stop this nonsense so we both go to bed?" Reepicheep asked in the most sincere way he could.

"I'm a night owl you see."

"But you're not an owl." The mouse said.

The woodpecker smiled and flew down from his perch. "You don't get out much do you?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean," the woodpecker said examining the mouse closely, "you don't uh," he circled around, "you're not familiar with expressions- are you?"

Reepicheep eyed the bird quizzically, "Like facial, social, literary..."

"All three." The bird said.

"Oh yes, well no," Reepicheep replied, "I'm simply awful with people."

The woodpecker nodded, "You don't have much in the way of brains do you?"

"I beg your pardon I am extremely intelligent!" The mouse said taking the defensive, having half a mind to defend his honor with the blade but decided that it was three o'clock in the morning and at three o'clock in the morning it is best to let your words be your sword and shield.

"See, that's what's all intelligent people say." The woodpecker said as he began to walk around comically,

"'I'm intelligent, listen to what I have to say.'"

He turned back towards Reepicheep, "Do you know who else was really smart?" He asked, "Aristotle, and he was wrong on everything. Expect for one thing, he didn't know that he was wrong. See the first step in being right is knowing that you're wrong a hundred percent of the time." He flew back up to his branch.

Reepicheep smiled, thankful that this bird was capable of intelligent conversation. "Now that's the first thing you've said that's made coherent sense since the start of this conversation. Also, who's Aristotle? He sounds like a twit."

"Oh don't worry," replied the woodpecker sad he continued his work, "he was."

Tap. Tap. Tap.

Reepicheep rolled his eyes again, "I'm sorry but this cannot continue. If you must do your work feel free to do it at a reasonable time when people aren't trying to sleep." As hee turned back towards his house the woodpecker asked:

"I'm sorry but who are you?"

"The mouse who lives underneath you." Reepicheep said.

"Yes, but who are you?"

"The mouse who lives underneath you." The mouse repeated, "I really hate repeating myself."

"You're not good at this.," The woodpecker said, flying over and landing next to him "I'm trying to say, who do you think you are?"

"Um...a mouse."

"You're not obviously not." The bird replied.

"What do you mean obviously not?" Reepicheep asked a bit confused as to why a bird would as such a trivial and mundane question at this hour. "Look at me! I am anatomically a mouse."

"Anatomically a mouse," the woodpecker said, "but what are you otherwise?"

"Solider, swordsman, page, colleague to the King-"

"Egotistical narcissist."

"Egotistical- wait," Reepicheep smiled slyly and laughed, "I see what you're doing. You're smarter than I originally gave you credit for. Perhaps you don't have brain damage after all."

"You thought that I was beating my head in?" The woodpecker said a bit insulted.

"Well on first impression," the mouse said, "yes."

"Um...I was hanging a sign."

"At three am in the morning?"

The woodpecker looked up and sighed dramatically as if he were in a Shakespearian comedy, "If I hang it during the day, people will get upset."

"Why?" Reepicheep asked, "It's a sign."

"Because it's a hanging tree." The bird answered.

Reepicheep stopped a moment, his eyes grew a bit, "A what?"

"A hanging tree."

"What?" Reepicheep said, still in a bit of shock.

"Are you serious?" The woodpecker said, "You don't know what a hanging tree is?"

"A know what a hanging tree is, but I don't know what you're saying." Reepicheep moved towards his window.

"I'm saying that you're living underneath a hanging tree."

Reepicheep laughed, it was almost hysterical, "Preposterous!"

"Um...no, it's not, the King, you know Caspian, um, he declared it a hanging tree years ago. Actually to be specific, the Majesties of the Golden Age did about a thousand years ago." The woodpecker said.

Reepicheep turned his head, his eyebrows raised somewhat, "What are you saying?"

"I'm saying that you're stupid." The bird said.

"I am extremely intelligent."

The bird smiled, "You keep saying that as if it's supposed to mean something."

"It is supposed to mean something!" The mouse shouted.

"What does it mean then?"

"It means," Reepicheep said, "that I'm intelligent."

"Says the mouse who lives underneath a hanging tree that didn't know it was hanging tree?"

The mouse smiled, "Says the woodpecker who is five seconds from being hung from that hanging tree."

"Says the mouse who cannot do that."

"And why not?" Reepicheep asked.

"I'm the executioner."

Reepicheep nodded slowly, yawned slightly due to lack of sleep, and said, "Executioners have been executed by their own execution devices."

"Yes but I'm the royal executioner."

Reepicheep's eyes were about three times their normal size, he about fainted, "The Royal Executioner!" He got down on his knees and began to beg, "Just, just, end it, kill me now, so this idiotic, dull and useless conversation can end ambigiously."

"I'm sorry, normally I would, I can't, not today."

"What's wrong with today, why not now?" The mouse asked.

"Today's Sunday."

"And..."

"You don't hang on Sunday."

Reepicheep stood up, "Says who?"

"Says everyone who has ever existed."

Reepicheep sighed, nodded and climbed back through his window, "Good night, morning, whatever it is you designate this time to you woodpecker, I am off to bed."

So the mouse returned to bed.

Thirty Minutes Later

As Reepicheep was dreaming of periwinkles and baboons...

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

A pause.

"Maybe he'll stop soon."

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap. ...Tap. Tap. Tap.

It increased and began to ring in the mouse's ears.

"Hopefully any minute now."

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Is this going to continue all night?"

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

"Yes Reepicheep it is."

Tap. Tap. Tap. Tap.

Dawn

As the morning sun passed through the window and underneath Reepicheep's door, the mouse was awaken once again not to tapping but of this:

"You are hereby sentenced to death by hanging by the order of King Caspian X. You are charged with murder, conspiracy and larceny, do you have anything to say in your defense before I carry out sentence?"

Silence.

"No, okay, drop the-"

A thud.

Reepicheep got himself ready for the day opened his door and saw the sole of a human shoe.

"Sorry about the shoe being in your door," it was the woodpecker who was up top, "that's going to happen a lot."

"How often?"

"Um...daily."

"Daily!" Reepicheep screamed, "Are you serious right now?"

"Um...yeah, do you know how many enemies Caspian has? This is the official hanging tree of the kingdom. If we were to hanging people from any other tree there is a slight chance of them coming back to life."

Reepicheep rolled his eyes, "What! If a person is dead, then they are dead. Meaning that they no longer possess the functions of life. They cannot physically do anything else, they cannot move, breathe, communicate. All cadavers can do is secrete their bowels, rot, wither and die. Dead means dead. There's nothing more to say about it!"

"So..." the woodpecker said, "let's talk about something else."

Reepicheep sighed, "Alright what pointless conversation do you want to start now."

"The meaning of life."

"Oh well," the mouse said perking up, "that is a very interesting conversation and I think it's best if we start by looking at the complexities of-"

"I'm sorry you're boring me to death," the woodpecker said, "let's talk about hobbies."

"One topic at a time please." The mouse said, "Besides, I have errands to run and-"

"Oh you won't be going anywhere with that body in the way."

"Well, can you move it?" The mouse asked.

Silence.

"I'm a woodpecker."

Reepicheep sighed, "Of course you are, a brain damaged, repetitive annoying woodpecker who won't leave me-"

"Are you questioning my intelligence again?" The woodpecker asked.

"Nay!" Reepicheep called. He muttered to himself, "Just your sense of being able to take hints."

"Take hints of what?"

The mouse stopped trying in terms of reasoning and kept his thoughts to himself.

"Don't you dare say anything bad about my mother!" The woodpecker warned.

"I have not spoken ill of your mother." Reepicheep said, "Now please, leave me alone."

"No sir, afraid I can't do that." The woodpecker said.

"Why?"

"Because, it's common law that the executioner stay with the hanging tree." The woodpecker said.

Reepicheep retreated to a chair, slumped, looked at me and said, "Dear sir, I implore you to please consider my position here."

Oh don't worry, I consider your position.

"Well, glad to hear of it, so if I may ask one question?"

Sure.

"Why did you pair me with the incompetent, annoying, little-"

A/N: Partly inspired by a fire drill that took place my freshman year of college that was around three in the morning. It was awful.