Hit and Miss
by Two-faced
*~*~*
Characters whose names you might not recognize belong to me. The rest is self-explanatory. Mature themes, watch out for the language. Thank you for the reviews, comments are again on the bottom. Enjoy.
*~*~*
Chapter three
'Out on a Limb': In an exposed or dangerous position.
By now, the rain had cleared up a bit, yet the sky still looked like a swirling bowl of day-old oatmeal. Not a pretty sight. Down is where you'll want to look. Water on green vegetation, collecting on the emerald leaves, dew-kissed flowers, enhancing the breath-taking beauty of the forest. Truly a perfect scene...
...Which is about to change very drastically.
Two hundred tones of titanium alloy crushing, pulverizing the forest floor! Stomp! Squish! Squash! Squelch! Smash! Smush! Just about every destructive S's you could think of! Woe to the family of rabbits in their unearthly numbers! Woe to the now-extinct Begonia, completely obliterated by the hideous blue behemoth! Its massive steps echoing throughout the entire area. (I love being me.)
The mech exits the small clearing, leaving it in a sorry state. All but a hollow tree log remains. As the heavy stomping noise grows fainter and fainter, we hear two relieved sighs emitting from said log. Typical.
Inside, we find our two heroes safe, but not entirely pleased by the outcome. They are uncomfortable, unwittingly pressed together in the most scandalous, unholy positions.
"Jack."
"Yes...?"
"This never happened."
"...I whole-heartedly agree."
"Good. Let's get outta here."
They move simultaneously. Not wise.
"No! Stop! Stop!"
A hiss.
"I'll let you out, but let *me* go first!"
Jack nodded, feeling terribly embarrassed about the accident. His embarrassment turned into horror at the growing heat in his nether regions. He tried to back up, but ended up tripping on his legs and involuntarily grabbing the other man's ass.
"Sorry!" he stammered, wishing for a planetary holocaust and the sky to cave in.
"S'okay. I don't think any of us could've prevented that." the other muttered through clenched teeth.
It got worse as the man continued to wiggle out of the log. Jack felt utter humiliation; wracking his brain for the most ugly, most appalling thoughts he could think of. He thought of the Scotsman's wife. It didn't work.
At last, the other managed to wriggle out and helped pull the still flustered samurai. Once out, he quickly sat down, facing the opposite direction, feeling confused and a little angry.
He didn't bother to lift his head as the strange man stood beside him, his Hamashi rhythmically tapping against his thigh.
"Hey, don't worry about it. Man, you should see me in the morning." He said, throwing in a chuckle.
Jack pretended not to hear that.
The man tried again. "Things like these just *happen*."
Jack buried his face in his hands.
"Don't be such a baby about it. You listening?"
No response. The other's lips thinned. Goddamn pussy. Grabbing a nearby branch, he thwacked him on the back of his head. Jack reacted.
"What possessed you do something so incredibly unnecessary?" He cried indignantly, rubbing the sore spot.
"To get your attention since you were so goddamn busy kissing your palms!"
"Well you certainly have it now! What on earth do you want?!"
Even he was surprised at the sound of his own voice.
He was even more surprised to hear the other break into laughter. First it started soft, then it got louder and louder and louder to the point that he was nearly hysterical. It must've rubbed off on Jack because he started laughing too. Just.the rain, the bounty hunters, the barkeeper, the mecha, the way they were pressed together like a low-budget, Asian gay-porn flick--Everything. It was just too funny.
By the time they stopped, their stomachs were so sore, they could hardly breathe, each supporting themselves on their own swords.
"I was," the man gasped, "I was gonna tell you to just cool it, but I couldn't. You.you looked so constipated!" He wiped a tear before he started giggling like a ninny.
Then he started coughing like crazy. Jack (calming himself at once,) raced off to his side and gave him a good karate chop to the back.
"Thanks," He wheezed, "You're not such a stiff after all."
"I apologize for my earlier behavior--"
"--No, no, no, I completely understand." Interrupted the other, "In your time, dishonor meant death. And you've got to admit, no dishonor in something you couldn't control, right? Still, that pretty humiliating." He added that last one as an afterthought while groping for cigarettes he didn't have. He protruded his lower lip in annoyance. "But, this isn't your time, y'know?"
Jack found himself agreeing with this strange strawberry man.
They walked on cautiously, taking into account the sounds and vibrations coming from the giant, blue 'bot.
Jack hacked away at excess vegetation. He noticed that the other man wasn't of any much help. (He was walking a few feet behind the Samurai, whistling a lively tune.) He pointed this out.
"It will be a lot quicker if you help cut away loose foliage with that sword of yours."
It was tucked under his arm. It stayed there.
"It couldn't cut through anything with all this wrapping on." The man drawled.
The entire arc-shaped blade was covered with bandages, most of which had strange symbols on them. Like mutated kanji.
"Take off the wrapping, then."
"Now's not the appropriate time."
The answer left Jack with a hundred questions racing back and forth his head. But he thought of the old Barkeep and how frantic he was at the mere mention of the sword's name. Perhaps it was best to leave it alone in the meantime.
"Are you doing anything?" the man asked suddenly.
"Yes. I am single-handedly clearing a path for both of us."
"I meant if you were doing some quest. Anything else aside from your repeated failures against Aku?"
"What did you say?"
"Sorry, sorry. Are you doing anything else aside from your righteous quest to defeat the evil 'Shogun of Sorrow?'
"Not particularly."
"Good. I want to hire you."
"I will not accept money for as long as it involves the sanctification of righteousness."
What the hell? The man mentally shook his head as he continued, "Yes! In fact, it involves Aku."
All crimes were, in fact, related to Aku, so he wasn't exactly lying.
"Then I shall be glad to assist you." Said Jack. "Tell me, what is the purpose of your journey? I understand that you were supposed to have received something of great importance."
"There's more to it." The man explained, scratching an imaginary itch on his cheek. "I'll tell you everything when we get back home."
He tugged on Jack's shoulder, making him halt. He pointed to one of the egg- shaped stones barely visible beneath the overgrown shrubbery. He knelt down beside it, clearing away the moss.
"Something the Yamamura clan left behind so you don't lose your way. 'Eggs of wisdom' they call 'em. Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me. The name, I mean. Useful little thing."
He tapped the side three times. The stone glowed dimly, showing the strange semi-Chinese characters again.
To be continued.
*~*~*
Author's notes
Yeah, yeah, I know. Not much plot development. (Or action. The kind that counts.) I was busy fanning away flies in the cemetery to think of something decent. Notice that there are less typos, which means that I am finally using Microsoft Word on a desktop computer. Nice change from the back-cramping, two gigs laptop. Now that the holidays are over, I'll have less time to write more chapters. Rest assured, I actually plan to finish this thing.
Kiki Cabou ~ Thank you. There's a lot of toony background stuff that tends to be overlooked. People just need a little reminder here and there. I'm glad you like Strawberry. I never really noticed it, but now that you mention it, he does seem the type, does he?
Translations of the Japanese bits:
Kyoo wa otenki desu ne. Ame ga furidashita no da?
-Some weather we're having today. Think it's gonna rain again tomorrow? (Actually, I made a mistake here. It's supposed to be ii tenki not otenki.)
Jack: Ano...Mou ichido itte kudasai. (Uh.Could you repeat that please?)
Strawberry guy: Soto wa sonna ni samui desu ka? (Is it still freezing outside?)
Jack: Mou ichido, onegai. (I'm sorry. Again, please.)
Strawberry: Soto wa sonna ni samui da. (Looks like it's cold out.)
Jack: Motto yukkuri itte kudasai. (Please say it again. Slower this time.)
Strawberry: So-to. Wa. So-na. Ni. Samui. Da. (It. Looks. Like. It's. Cold. Out.)
Jack: Nihongo ga dekimasu ka? (Are you speaking Japanese.?)
Hope that helped.
TurtleNinja ~ Thanks. I love that old son of a Gutenthaar. Strawberry guy's more of a inconvenient look-a-like than relative. (He'll eventually get Jack into trouble that way.) Interesting guess, though. Thanks. My Japanese friends think my nihongo is horrible. I really hope I get more time to write.
YT ~ Really? Cool, thanks. I've never heard of Snow Crash. Send up a link so I can add it to the list of stuff I need to read.
by Two-faced
*~*~*
Characters whose names you might not recognize belong to me. The rest is self-explanatory. Mature themes, watch out for the language. Thank you for the reviews, comments are again on the bottom. Enjoy.
*~*~*
Chapter three
'Out on a Limb': In an exposed or dangerous position.
By now, the rain had cleared up a bit, yet the sky still looked like a swirling bowl of day-old oatmeal. Not a pretty sight. Down is where you'll want to look. Water on green vegetation, collecting on the emerald leaves, dew-kissed flowers, enhancing the breath-taking beauty of the forest. Truly a perfect scene...
...Which is about to change very drastically.
Two hundred tones of titanium alloy crushing, pulverizing the forest floor! Stomp! Squish! Squash! Squelch! Smash! Smush! Just about every destructive S's you could think of! Woe to the family of rabbits in their unearthly numbers! Woe to the now-extinct Begonia, completely obliterated by the hideous blue behemoth! Its massive steps echoing throughout the entire area. (I love being me.)
The mech exits the small clearing, leaving it in a sorry state. All but a hollow tree log remains. As the heavy stomping noise grows fainter and fainter, we hear two relieved sighs emitting from said log. Typical.
Inside, we find our two heroes safe, but not entirely pleased by the outcome. They are uncomfortable, unwittingly pressed together in the most scandalous, unholy positions.
"Jack."
"Yes...?"
"This never happened."
"...I whole-heartedly agree."
"Good. Let's get outta here."
They move simultaneously. Not wise.
"No! Stop! Stop!"
A hiss.
"I'll let you out, but let *me* go first!"
Jack nodded, feeling terribly embarrassed about the accident. His embarrassment turned into horror at the growing heat in his nether regions. He tried to back up, but ended up tripping on his legs and involuntarily grabbing the other man's ass.
"Sorry!" he stammered, wishing for a planetary holocaust and the sky to cave in.
"S'okay. I don't think any of us could've prevented that." the other muttered through clenched teeth.
It got worse as the man continued to wiggle out of the log. Jack felt utter humiliation; wracking his brain for the most ugly, most appalling thoughts he could think of. He thought of the Scotsman's wife. It didn't work.
At last, the other managed to wriggle out and helped pull the still flustered samurai. Once out, he quickly sat down, facing the opposite direction, feeling confused and a little angry.
He didn't bother to lift his head as the strange man stood beside him, his Hamashi rhythmically tapping against his thigh.
"Hey, don't worry about it. Man, you should see me in the morning." He said, throwing in a chuckle.
Jack pretended not to hear that.
The man tried again. "Things like these just *happen*."
Jack buried his face in his hands.
"Don't be such a baby about it. You listening?"
No response. The other's lips thinned. Goddamn pussy. Grabbing a nearby branch, he thwacked him on the back of his head. Jack reacted.
"What possessed you do something so incredibly unnecessary?" He cried indignantly, rubbing the sore spot.
"To get your attention since you were so goddamn busy kissing your palms!"
"Well you certainly have it now! What on earth do you want?!"
Even he was surprised at the sound of his own voice.
He was even more surprised to hear the other break into laughter. First it started soft, then it got louder and louder and louder to the point that he was nearly hysterical. It must've rubbed off on Jack because he started laughing too. Just.the rain, the bounty hunters, the barkeeper, the mecha, the way they were pressed together like a low-budget, Asian gay-porn flick--Everything. It was just too funny.
By the time they stopped, their stomachs were so sore, they could hardly breathe, each supporting themselves on their own swords.
"I was," the man gasped, "I was gonna tell you to just cool it, but I couldn't. You.you looked so constipated!" He wiped a tear before he started giggling like a ninny.
Then he started coughing like crazy. Jack (calming himself at once,) raced off to his side and gave him a good karate chop to the back.
"Thanks," He wheezed, "You're not such a stiff after all."
"I apologize for my earlier behavior--"
"--No, no, no, I completely understand." Interrupted the other, "In your time, dishonor meant death. And you've got to admit, no dishonor in something you couldn't control, right? Still, that pretty humiliating." He added that last one as an afterthought while groping for cigarettes he didn't have. He protruded his lower lip in annoyance. "But, this isn't your time, y'know?"
Jack found himself agreeing with this strange strawberry man.
They walked on cautiously, taking into account the sounds and vibrations coming from the giant, blue 'bot.
Jack hacked away at excess vegetation. He noticed that the other man wasn't of any much help. (He was walking a few feet behind the Samurai, whistling a lively tune.) He pointed this out.
"It will be a lot quicker if you help cut away loose foliage with that sword of yours."
It was tucked under his arm. It stayed there.
"It couldn't cut through anything with all this wrapping on." The man drawled.
The entire arc-shaped blade was covered with bandages, most of which had strange symbols on them. Like mutated kanji.
"Take off the wrapping, then."
"Now's not the appropriate time."
The answer left Jack with a hundred questions racing back and forth his head. But he thought of the old Barkeep and how frantic he was at the mere mention of the sword's name. Perhaps it was best to leave it alone in the meantime.
"Are you doing anything?" the man asked suddenly.
"Yes. I am single-handedly clearing a path for both of us."
"I meant if you were doing some quest. Anything else aside from your repeated failures against Aku?"
"What did you say?"
"Sorry, sorry. Are you doing anything else aside from your righteous quest to defeat the evil 'Shogun of Sorrow?'
"Not particularly."
"Good. I want to hire you."
"I will not accept money for as long as it involves the sanctification of righteousness."
What the hell? The man mentally shook his head as he continued, "Yes! In fact, it involves Aku."
All crimes were, in fact, related to Aku, so he wasn't exactly lying.
"Then I shall be glad to assist you." Said Jack. "Tell me, what is the purpose of your journey? I understand that you were supposed to have received something of great importance."
"There's more to it." The man explained, scratching an imaginary itch on his cheek. "I'll tell you everything when we get back home."
He tugged on Jack's shoulder, making him halt. He pointed to one of the egg- shaped stones barely visible beneath the overgrown shrubbery. He knelt down beside it, clearing away the moss.
"Something the Yamamura clan left behind so you don't lose your way. 'Eggs of wisdom' they call 'em. Pretty fucking stupid, if you ask me. The name, I mean. Useful little thing."
He tapped the side three times. The stone glowed dimly, showing the strange semi-Chinese characters again.
To be continued.
*~*~*
Author's notes
Yeah, yeah, I know. Not much plot development. (Or action. The kind that counts.) I was busy fanning away flies in the cemetery to think of something decent. Notice that there are less typos, which means that I am finally using Microsoft Word on a desktop computer. Nice change from the back-cramping, two gigs laptop. Now that the holidays are over, I'll have less time to write more chapters. Rest assured, I actually plan to finish this thing.
Kiki Cabou ~ Thank you. There's a lot of toony background stuff that tends to be overlooked. People just need a little reminder here and there. I'm glad you like Strawberry. I never really noticed it, but now that you mention it, he does seem the type, does he?
Translations of the Japanese bits:
Kyoo wa otenki desu ne. Ame ga furidashita no da?
-Some weather we're having today. Think it's gonna rain again tomorrow? (Actually, I made a mistake here. It's supposed to be ii tenki not otenki.)
Jack: Ano...Mou ichido itte kudasai. (Uh.Could you repeat that please?)
Strawberry guy: Soto wa sonna ni samui desu ka? (Is it still freezing outside?)
Jack: Mou ichido, onegai. (I'm sorry. Again, please.)
Strawberry: Soto wa sonna ni samui da. (Looks like it's cold out.)
Jack: Motto yukkuri itte kudasai. (Please say it again. Slower this time.)
Strawberry: So-to. Wa. So-na. Ni. Samui. Da. (It. Looks. Like. It's. Cold. Out.)
Jack: Nihongo ga dekimasu ka? (Are you speaking Japanese.?)
Hope that helped.
TurtleNinja ~ Thanks. I love that old son of a Gutenthaar. Strawberry guy's more of a inconvenient look-a-like than relative. (He'll eventually get Jack into trouble that way.) Interesting guess, though. Thanks. My Japanese friends think my nihongo is horrible. I really hope I get more time to write.
YT ~ Really? Cool, thanks. I've never heard of Snow Crash. Send up a link so I can add it to the list of stuff I need to read.