Sherlock ? Where's the milk ?

Hmm ?

Did I, or did I not, tell you ten times this morning we needed milk ? I just finished a double shift at the clinic, I am completely exhausted, and now I have to go out again ? Jesus H. Christ. You couldn't peel yourself off the couch for five bloody minutes ?

Language, John.

What are you doing, you lazy git ?

I'm tweeting.

What ?

You blog. I tweet. I'm helping.

Are you serious ?

Well, it's an experiment.

On what ?

To see how many followers I can accumulate.

Followers ?

I'm trying to beat Jesus.

What !

I'm rather disappointed . At first it looked promising, but now I'm being unfollowed.

You're not using your real name , are you ?

Course not. Does anyone ?

Nope. And since when are you interested in social media? That's my area. Not sure this experiment of yours would be good for business.

Oh ye of little faith. Of course it will be good for business, I even created an account for you. You are doctorjohn, and I am theomnipotentone.

Please tell me you're joking.

Not sure I like doctorjohn though, it's not very creative. Perhaps you can come up with a better one ?

Sherlock ! I never asked you to - I need tea.

We're out of milk.

Yes, I know.

I do like your first post though. Thou shalt have no other blogs before me. And I added a link to your website.

You ... oh my god.

You take the Lord's name in vain an awful lot, John. Let me tweet that one out for you. Thou shalt not take the name of the Lord thy God in vain, unless Sherlock forgets the milk.

Sherlock, has it occurred to you that some people might actually be offended by you comparing yourself to a holy figure ? Other than yourself ? Never mind.

I have no intention of offending anyone, John. I respect all religions equally. It's just an experiment.

An experiment. On the gullibility of the masses ? How quickly you can expand your dickishness to every continent ?

The point is to see how soon I can amass more followers than Jesus. Scholars estimate that, in addition to the twelve disciples, Jesus had a few thousand followers . Justin Bieber has 51 million. The world's going to hell John, I'm just trying to bring some balance to the universe.

And how exactly are you going to do that ?

I'm updating the ten commandments. The language seriously needs updating. What is a graven image anyway ? And who uses the word covet anymore ?

I see.

Remember the Sabbath day to keep it holy. Well society ditched that one long ago. How can church compete with a 24 hour Tesco ?

And yet, you failed to get milk.

Thou shalt not bear false witness against thy neighbour . Okay John , I was just kidding about the Twitter account for you. I barely have enough time for my own.

Thou shalt not kill .

Precisely. Dull.

You are unbelievable.

Thou shalt not commit adultery . Seriously ? If people followed that one there would be no private detectives left.

Hmm. And who are you following on Twitter ?

I'm not following anyone, they're supposed to follow me, that's the point of this experiment.

Right. How long before your unfollowers figured out you weren't just being ironic ?

Two days. Don't need them. If they can't take me seriously, they would invalidate the results.

No one takes Twitter seriously, Sherlock.

Why not ? It's an effective means of communication. Concise messaging to a vast audience, very efficient for imparting wisdom. Jesus would have loved it. Most of his teachings were a hundred and forty characters or less.

You realize I am baptized .

Thou shalt not steal. Hmm. Might have to give the skull back.

And apparently immune to being offended.

Honour thy father and thy mother. Oh yes, Mycroft tried using that one on me. I'm not seeing Les Miz, never will.

How many are you up to so far ?

One hundred and sixty three. If Jesus came back now, John, how many do you think he would have ?

Well, he'd have to deal with the competition first, wouldn't he ? I'm not sure even Jesus would befriend you.

You're not being very charitable.

All right then, what have you tweeted so far.

Just some useful observations.

Such as ?

Monitor your chemical intake carefully.

Okay. What else ?

Foist not your religion at my door.

Here, let me see.

Be nice to your doctor. Doctors are very efficient murderers .

Glad you realize that . We are also exceedingly patient.

Isn't it the other way around ? Isn't that why your clients are called patients ?

Give me that.

Resurrection isn't easy.

Improve your eulogy.

God is always watching, except in London. We have CCTV.

Don't guess. Deduce.

Wrong.

Wrong again.

Thou shalt ask questions. If someone says thou must not question it, thou shalt question it all the more.

Mysteries are fantastic, but temporary. Enjoy the mystery.

Thou shalt not covet the new Jaguar XFR Growler. It's really cool though. Not coveting.

No one knows everything. Not even me.

Some of these I actually like, Sherlock. Especially that last one.

Now and then, get the milk.

Be back in a few.