Author's note: I just had to write a Fairy Tail crack story. I've been completely obsessed with that anime lately. Please note that this story contains MAJOR OOC (out of character), lots of alcohol, and sheer randomness. There is absolutely no plot. I might include pairings later, but it's very unlikely.

DISCLAIMER: Me no own Fairy Tail. The great lord Hiro Mashima own Fairy Tail.

The thing about this story is that nobody knows when it began. The Fairy Tail guild has been as crazy as ever since the day it started more than a century ago. The time this story is set, though, is one of the craziest years there's ever been at the guild.

Obviously, the story begins on New Year's Eve, one of the few nights of the year when the entire guild gets drunk – even Wendy and Romeo. So the guild was about a hundred times crazier. How crazy, you ask?

Crazy enough for Gray to be doing the Macarena half-naked on a table. Crazy enough for Natsu to be actually cheering him on. Crazy enough for all twelve of the zodiac celestial spirits to be swaying back and forth while singing The Sailor Song, Leo occasionally pausing to try and convince Lucy to join in.

Even some members of other guilds were at the party: Lyon was sitting next to Juvia and helping her cheer Gray on. Sherry was sitting behind Cana, waiting for her to turn around so that she could steal her beer. Sting and Rogue, despite being the guild's enemies, were sitting on stools and singing Bohemian Rhapsody in the most awful singing voices you've ever heard. Angel was chasing her little sister around with a wooden club. People who weren't in any particular guild had turned up, too, even the villains. For example, Zeref was currently having his hair eaten by Mavis.

"Barmaid!" a very drunk Mirajane hollered at him. "Get me another beer!"

"You're the barmaid, you stupid bitch!" he replied.

"OM NOM NOM," said Mavis.

"Lucy~," Leo pleaded, trying for the umpteenth time to persuade his mistress to join in with the celestial spirits' singing.

"Leo, how many times do I have to tell you "no" before you'll leave me alone?" the blonde snarled.

"Infinity~!"

"I hate you when you're drunk…"

"That's a coincidence! So do the other celestial spirits!"

Evergreen sighed. "If I had known any of this would happen, I would've brought my video camera."

"You always forget your camera, Ever," Freed snapped, taking another sip of beer. His mind was starting to go foggy, but he actually kind of liked the feeling.

New Year's Eve was the only night when most people understood how Cana, the guild's alcohol murderer, felt.

After about another half an hour, several more guild members were completely drunk.

Bisca stood up and began to stumble across the room for another beer, but was stopped when Alzack suddenly threw his arms around her.

"Don't leave me~!" he sobbed.

She looked down at him in annoyance. "Let go! I need another freaking beer!"

Alzack looked up at her. "B-but I don't want you to leave me…"

Bisca sighed and picked him up, carrying him over her shoulder.

Erza stormed across the room, a dark aura surrounding her, toward Gray, who had quit the Macarena and was now dancing to Gangnam Style. "This… is… FAIRY TAIL!" she roared, kicking him across the room so that he crashed down one of the walls, clearly showing a view of another room. Laki, who had gone into that particular room to get away from the chaos and was now sitting in a chair and reading a book, froze up at the sight of the glaring redhead.

Natsu suddenly walked in front of Erza, blocking her view of Laki. "Hey, yooou hurt Gray!" he slurred. "Let's ba… uh… what's the word? Oh yeah. Battle!"

"It's on," Erza hissed, drawing her sword.

The swordswoman and the dragon slayer charged toward each other, each preparing their strongest attacks, until they were just about to clash – and a very drunk Juvia wandered across their path, swaying slightly, tears streaming down her face.

"Juvia can't believe that you would do this, Erza and Natsu! You traitors!" she sobbed. Both mages had stopped in place just before they hit her. The crying water mage now collapsed on top of Gray, and the battle continued.

Meanwhile, the celestial spirits' singing was being challenged by equally horrible, equally loud singing from Jet and Droy. They were both screaming "Blow" by Ke$ha at the top of their lungs, trying to be heard above the sailor song (which had been repeated more than ten times now). Levy was on the counter, rolling back and forth while laughing her ass off. Gajeel was sitting behind the counter, swigging glass after glass of beer. He slammed the latest glass down on the counter.

"More alcohol!" he roared, before spinning around and pointing to Macao and Wakaba. "You, sideways guy! Get me another beer!"

Wakaba, who was sitting on a stool in front of the counter, yawned and pointed at himself. "Y'mean… me?"

Macao, who was lying sideways on the counter, stared at Gajeel. "I think he means me…" he hiccupped.

Evergreen stormed over to Gajeel and hit him across the head with a beer. "Happy, you heinous bitch?!" she snapped, before turning and walking away.

"Wonder what my son is up to," Macao commented.

Somewhere in the guild, Romeo was leaning against the wall, chatting to a very dizzy Wendy. "You know, you know what we should do?" he slurred. "We should take Arza's, no, Erza's car and just go. Drive off to the, the city and just – hic – get married, and have something like… I dunno… four thousand and eighty-two children? Hic."

"Dizzy," Wendy replied. "Very dizzy…"

Leo got down on one knee as if he was going to propose to Lucy. "Lucy, will you please join the celestial spirits in their song?"

The blonde, who was now drunk, giggled. "Of course, Leo!" And she joined in the song.

Laxus, who was laughing almost as loudly as the three singing groups were singing, leaned toward Freed, grinning. "So how are you enjoying the party?!" he yelled.

Freed folded his arms. "I'm tired, I'm cold, I'm hungry, there are no pretzels left, it's too loud and I have a headache. How do you think I feel?"

Laxus considered this for a moment. "Overjoyed!" he exclaimed, laughing out loud again.

Bickslow was leaning upside-down against the wall. "They're coming to take me away, HAHA, they're coming to take me away, HAHA, to the funny farm, where life is beautiful all the time!" …And he continued singing.

"Gimme dat hat!" Cana screeched at Bisca.

"No!" snapped the greenette.

"Gimme dat hat!"

"No!"

"Gimme dat hat!"

"Fucking no!"

Cana simply walked up and snatched the hat off of Bisca's head, walking over and placing it gently on an empty can of beer. Strangely enough, Bisca did nothing to stop her, although it was possibly because Alzack was still clinging to her.

"Oh, so you think you can defy a real MAN?!" Elfman shouted, glaring at the hat-wearing beer. "Flaunting yo cowboy hat? Sittin' there all smug like that? I will destroy you!"

Cana watched in horror as Elfman pummeled the beer into the ground. She fell to her knees, sobbing. "No, beer! We weren't even married yet!" She lay down on the floor and started bawling.

"I am Harry Potter and I shall fly!" Laki announced, standing on the table. Her friends had convinced her to drink some beer, and she was about to leap right into the middle of Natsu and Erza's fight. With a loud exclamation of "Geronimo~!", she leapt off of the table, landing on top of Gray and Juvia by some miracle.

"Bring me more alcohol!" Gajeel and Makarov simultaneously ordered Zeref.

"What-what-what-what is going on here?!" Zeref yelled. "Why does everyone think I'm a barmaid?"

"I dunno, but your hair's delicious," Mavis told him.

Angel had finally succeeded in catching up to Yukino, and was attempting to beat her with the wooden club, but the younger sibling kept dodging with what she considered to be ninja-like movements.

And in the middle of all the craziness, Erza and Natsu clashed one final time…

Which caused the whole place to blow up.