A/N: The title is taken from a Tim Minchin song, it was just so perfect that I couldn't not. I might add to this fic later, I might not.

Sanji longs to dance and run, he wants to fight and kick, he wants to stand on tiptoes and leap with grace.

Sanji cannot do any of those things but he wants to so badly. He listens to the footsteps of people, he watches how each person's gait says something about their personality and wishes he could have that too. He climbs up the rocks overlooking the palace with some difficulty and watches balls with elegant waltzes and foxtrots.

It's one time that he's going back to where he belongs that he first sees the man. His hair is kelp green and Sanji would know. He's blatantly lost, staring down at the map in his hand and not watching where he's going. Sanji would call out to him but he doesn't want to get caught. Thankfully this is a problem that solves itself as the idiot walks straight off of a small outcrop and thuds down onto the one below it and the one below that, going ass over head over and over again before landing on the beach.

Sanji sighs, that fucker is almost certainly dead. No one can land on their head that much and still be okay. He slides down the rocks much more carefully and as such it takes about five minutes to reach him. The idiot seaweed head is dead on the beach only... when Sanji gets to him he's still breathing and noticeably not dead. Well, that's a miracle.

Sanji pulls at the map stuck under the idiot's leg and peers down at it, trying to see where was so important to get to that the idiot brained himself on three different rocks on the way down. Sanji gawps at the map. It's not that he doesn't know where this refers to, the place circled on the paper is more than familiar to Sanji with the unusual shape of its coastline. However, that's well over twenty miles away from where they are now and in the wrong direction to boot.

"You are a fucking kelp-brained idiot." Sanji mutters in horrified awe. He slaps the idiot upside the head.

The green hair's stupid eyes open up and he groans.

"You are a fucking kelp-brained idiot and you are lost." Sanji informs him, holding the map out into the guy' face

"Oh. You're... you're a mermaid." The idiot says stupidly, looking Sanji up and down.

Sanji snarls and grabs the moron's hands and presses them to his chest.

"Think again fuckface, I don't have the required body for a mermaid." Sanji points out.

"You have a tail." the guy notes succinctly. He looks down at Sanji's blue tail as if it might disappear.

"You really did land on your head a lot huh? Not a mermaid." Sanji emphasises, pressing the guy's hands to his (fuck you very much don't argue) manly chest.

"Oh. Merman I guess, cool." the guy rumbles sounding fairly ambivalent. He keeps his hands where they are though on Sanji's chest before, and with a thoughtful expression on his face, flicking Sanji's nipples with both thumbs at once.

"You PERVERT!" Sanji howls and sits back to, once more, slap the guy upside the head with his tail fin. This time he does it so hard that the guy's teeth clack together and his head snaps back. The guy eventually looks at Sanji again, rubbing his jaw in thought.

"Not bad. I'm Zoro by the way." He introduces as if he hadn't just perved on Sanji mere seconds ago.

"I'm Sanji and I already hate you." Sanji remarks, shuffling backwards away from him in the sand. Fuck this guy, he's not dead and even if he was Sanji doesn't care. He just needs to get back into the ocean and go home.

"Hey wait, you said I was lost. How did you know that?" Zoro demands, leaping forward and getting a firm and slightly painful grip on Sanji's tail fin. The blonde hisses and sits up clawing at the asshole's hands and arms but to no effect. Sanji figures that if he wants to get away without losing a few scales he needs to answer the bastard.

"Because, shit for brains, your map says you need to be here." Sanji says, jabbing at the circle on the map.

"And you are here." He explains, jabbing on the other side of the map.

"Wait... that can't be right. I followed the directions. What do you know about walking anyway? You don't even have legs!" Zoro points out.

Sanji slaps him again with his tail for that, the comment cuts too close to the bone. He is so fucking done with this chuckle-headed moron. He claws his way to the ocean.

"Okay, that was a mean thing to say to a guy without feet. If it makes you feel better, I'm lucky to still have them. I tried to cut them off once!" Zoro laughs stupidly.

Something in Sanji's brain snaps. He would give anything for feet, to be able to do all of those things that humans take for granted. The next thing he knows he's hissing and trying to drag Zoro into the water by his boots, screaming that he's going to drown him. To Sanji's utter misery the bastard kicks him in the face, escapes from his boots and rushes away out of reach barefoot.

"I will follow you wherever you go near water you moron, mark my words I will DROWN you!" Sanji hisses and spits in warning as Zoro's fleeing back retreats into the night.

Zoro arrives at his destination a few days late, but it's okay because Nami told him the event she was inviting him to was several days earlier than it really is. So actually he's right on time!

Despite the accusation of his friends, he's not stupid. Zoro considers that he'd have to be pretty stupid to miss the dark shape following him along the coastline wherever he goes. The party itself is near the dock and Zoro thinks that the merman probably thinks he's being threatening when his face appears at the edge of the dock, silent and menacing. The merman draws finger across his throat, threatening to kill Zoro.

Zoro sighs to himself. He's a good guy for the most part, but sometimes people find him a bit brusque and rude. He's not at his best after a head injury either and despite himself Zoro couldn't help but want to fuck with the guy. Even so, he's been rude to a guy who really just tried to check he was alive and even give him directions, at least until Zoro offended him.

He should make amends. Zoro walks to the edge of the dock and looks down at the merman in the dark water who is currently glaring up at him with wet hair plastered to his skin.

"Look, perhaps we got off on the wrong foot." He offers.

Those were apparently the wrong words to say. The merman howls in rage and launches himself out of the water, tail flapping angrily as he gets enough lift to bodily grab Zoro by the knees and haul him back. Zoro just manages to reach out his arms in time to grab one of the dock posts and stop from being dragged under entirely.

"I thought mer-people were all serene and shit. Stop trying to murder me!" Zoro yells, kicking at the deranged watery blonde. The guy hisses at him again and yanks at his knees, trying to drag him under the water. He lands a kick to the guy's ribs and the blonde claws his way up Zoro's chest.

"Drown you bastard!" The blonde yells at him. Zoro is still not budging but the guy seems serious. He winds his tail tightly around Zoro's leg and hauls himself up Zoro's body trying to reach his hands. If this asshole manages to get to his fingers then Zoro will fall off and he will drown if this guy has anything to do with it.

Zoro does the only defensive thing that he can think of, he bites the nipple that's dead in front of him. It has the desired effect, the guy yelps and pulls back. Zoro doesn't let go of his nipple but he does ease back on the pressure.

"What the SHIT?!" The blonde yelps. Zoro shrugs mentally, figuring that this might just get the bastard off of him. He presses his lips to the wet flesh of the mermaid and runs his tongue over the nipple there, his teeth just pinching at the nub. The merman flails and drops off of him, his hands flying indignantly to his chest at he does so. Zoro scrambles back onto the dock and looks down at the merman in the sea. His face and his ear fins are bright red in embarrassment, or maybe something else too.

"See, you're rubbing yourself all over me and trying to kill me and I don't even know your name. What about my virgin honour?" Zoro grins down at him.

"I told you my name already, but you'd smacked what little brains you had out on a rock if you recall. That doesn't give you the right to just- DO THAT!" The guy snarls.

"Oh. Remind me?" Zoro asks, feeling genuinely bad for forgetting it.

"My name is Sanji and you'll remember it for later you fucker. I'll be the last thing you scream out." Sanji yells at him.

Zoro raises an eyebrow.

"As I DROWN you! Not like- oh fuck you!" The blonde snarls, his earfins still deliciously red as he dives back under the surface of the water with a flash of blue tail. Zoro grins and makes his way back to the beach, he quite likes the guy.

Sanji stalks his prey everywhere that he can, following him at the waters edge, just waiting for him to get close enough again. He will die. Sanji will drag him under and watch the bubbles float out of his dead mouth. That'll teach him.

Eventually Zoro does return to the waters edge, with a friend this time. A rubber guy who appears to have a devil's fruit power. Good, he can't help Zoro then. They're picking coconuts from the waters edge and as soon as he's separated a little bit from his friend Sanji strikes. He wraps both arms around Zoro's legs and drags him back towards the sea. With three hauls he's got his tail back in the water and with four Zoro's flailing is making Sanji's work easier instead of harder, reducing the amount of drag on the beach by sitting up and trying to fight back. Soon Sanji has him up to hip height in the water and seconds after that he's fully under.

The water isn't deep enough here for Sanji to drag him deep enough for the pressure to pop him like a balloon, he's just going to have to hold him down and wait for him to die.

Fists and angry fingers tear at Sanji's skin as Zoro struggles. A hard punch lands on Sanji's left ear fin and it stuns Sanji enough to let him go for a second. Before he can react Zoro is out of his arms and swimming for the surface. Sanji catches him before he makes it but he gets a punch in the head for his troubles.

Zoro's face pulls into a snarl that releases a few bubbles, good, let him breathe his precious air away.

What happens next is entirely unexpected.

Zoro snaps down and grabs Sanji behind the ear fins, as Sanji's mouth opens in surprise Zoro clamps his mouth to Sanji's and exhales a good lungful of air into his mouth. The combo of air and water rushing through his gills at the same time chokes Sanji. He flails and releases the moss head as he chokes and struggles to force enough water through his gills before his body forgets what it's supposed to be breathing right now. He scowls up at Zoro's retreating form as he hauls ass through the water, his feet on the submerged sand now.

This guy is good.

Zoro should not be this concerned about a guy who has tried to kill him quite a few times now. He's lost count of exactly how many, perhaps it's the repeated oxygen deprivation that's doing it. They'd been fighting again, Sanji was trying to drown him and Zoro was expressing his disapproval with that plan. He'd managed to plant a foot in Sanji's chest and kick him away. That'd shoved them far enough apart that Zoro could surface and ride a wave back to shore as he paddled like a madman.

When he'd recovered from coughing on the beach he looked around. Sanji had caught him unawares too many times for him to feel safe this close to the water. A flash of blonde hair on rocks alerted him to Sanji's presence.

That puts him where he is now, namely worried. He has a weakly fighting merman in his arms who is dripping blood all down his clothes. He yells and hollers for Chopper and places Sanji on the beach. His ribs are a mess. There's a huge bloody patch on his side and as Zoro feels it out, tuning out Sanji's copious swearing as he does so, it feels to him like something is at least broken.

"How'd you manage to fucking hit the rocks on that wave when I made it ashore just fine? I thought you were supposed to be a good swimmer." Zoro mutters with anger that has nowhere to go but to Sanji.

"Fuck you and the seahorse you swam in on." Sanji spits out, blood trickling over his lips.

Chopper arrives and quickly sets about assessing the damage. He is the only one not to express any form of concern about helping the guy who keeps trying to drown Zoro. To Chopper a patient is a patient, no matter what. Zoro doesn't want the guy to die, he seems nice. Mostly. Somewhere deep, deep down.

"It's a fractured rib, I'm going to bandage it for you. I'm afraid this will hurt. Zoro could you hold him down?" Chopper asks. He reaches for Sanji's ribs but the blonde resists.

"I don't need any of your help, fuck you." Sanji snarls weakly, trying to shuffle back to the sea. Zoro is having none of it, grabbing a tight grip on Sanji's wrists and hauling him back before pinning him down. Sanji's tail thrashes and Zoro says nothing mocking as his shark like teeth bite into the leather of Zoro's boots. When Chopper is done bandaging the merman Zoro lets him go.

"Your ribs are broken, you'll need to stay away from anything strenuous for a month or so. Perhaps such as... trying to drown our namaka." Chopper suggests hopefully.

"You can stay here with us whilst you recover." Zoro offers quietly, looking into the merman's eyes. They're blue, a perfect sky blue.

"I'd rather die, you shit-bastard." Sanji snarls weakly.

"Ok, suit yourself." Zoro shrugs. He scoops Sanji up delicately and walks back into the sea. He's up to his shoulders in the ocean when Sanji's tail weakly flutters in the water and the merman slides out of his arms.

Sanji's arms are crossed over his midsection and he looks like he's still in pain. He lingers there in the water for a few long and silent moments before disappearing under the water with a slow tail flick.