Recovery

Focus. Focus on your memory.

Something as simple as having breakfast that first morning after my accident had exhausted me. According to Madam Pomfrey, who came to check on me by lunchtime, both Remus and Sirius had looked in on me a few times, but I had been sleeping like the dead. The matron assured me and them that it was to be expected. It took a lot of energy to refill a person's magic.

After that, she declared me well enough to go home. I didn't dare try my magic too much, I was too scared to see it fail. It made a lot of the everyday tasks difficult to get through, and my clothes were suffering from it, not being able to cast a freshening charm on them. So I spent most of my time sleeping and reading until Madam Pomfrey wanted me for another checkup a few days later.

She advised me to use as much magic as possible. It's like a muscle that needs to be used, and then it will come back in full faster. The feeling of uselessness and unsafety I felt when my magic failed or fizzled, was almost overwhelming. I couldn't remember a time when I didn't use magic. But this was war. I had to help the Order and I had to do my work at Azkaban. So I swallowed my fear and pride, and tried.

By Monday morning, my magic was back to normal. I had tried a Patronus Shield the previous evening, and it had held up for hours. Of course, I had no Dementors at home to put it to the test, but it felt okay enough. That didn't mean I felt mentally ready to go back, but I had to, even if I was going straight onto a week at Azkaban.

With the pre-blood ward schedule, I was supposed to go onto three weeks at the Ministry, but the new wards making Azkaban safer, the schedule had changed and we were supposed to be less at Azkaban and therefore every other week. But the week I had been recovering from my loss of magic, had been all about checking and double-checking the new wards, and while they were working well, the Dementors were getting more and more out of control. So, the new schedule had been changed, to longer hours at Azkaban, including working weekends. And this morning, I was starting my first week of the new schedule at Azkaban.

Swallowing my fear, bundling it all up into a ball and hiding it away in the deepest darkest corner of my mind, I donned my freshly cleaned work robes and Disapparated. The moment I appeared on the Apparition station outside Azkaban and set my eyes on the tall stone structure further out, I felt a chill that had nothing to do with the freezing wind or the nearness to the Dementors. It was my own fear that coursed through me like a poisonous arrow, slimy tendrils of darkness wrapping around my heart. My breath was shallow, my knees felt week, my hands were sweating, heart beating loudly in my head.

I gritted my teeth, clenched my fists and took several deep breaths, forcing air deep into my lungs. If I didn't get myself under control, I could just hand in my resignation right now.

Just as I was getting my heart rate down, someone Apparated next to me. I started at the slight pop and snapped my head around. It was Walter.

"Morning," he greeted. "How are you doing?"

"Little bit hesitant," I admitted. Remus being the only one who had been able to get me to admit how much fear I was repressing while at Azkaban lately, I still felt it was safe to admit this to Walter. It was not a secret that I had nearly been Kissed by a Dementor, and Walter knew the Dementors just as well as I did.

"Understandable." He nodded. "You've tried your Shield?"

"Yeah. It held up for hours yesterday." I had Floo-ed with Walter before the weekend, and he had said that several people had been struggling with their Patronus Shields that week. The Dementors seemed to be stronger and more aggressive, and in turn a lot more draining. There was no reason to wait any longer, and I took out my wand and cast the Patronus Shield. I felt it wrap itself around me, waver for a moment, but then holding steady.

Walter smiled at me as he watched the Shield go from slightly bright blue to transparent. Then he cast his Shield, and we both grabbed a broom, mounted and set off through the icy snowy wind to the prison.

I made it through that first day without my Shield dropping, which was my biggest fear. It wavered when I saw my first Dementor. It had stopped in its tracks, turned its hooded head in my direction, and then started gliding slowly towards me. The way it behaved, it seemed like it was one of the same Dementors as that day, like it remembered what had happened. My Shield became visible, but barely. I was frozen on the spot. If I had been alone, that Dementor would have gotten me. My Shield would have dropped and I would have been defenseless to stop a Kiss. But Walter had laid a hand on my shoulder before taking one step forward, staring at the Dementor. It halted, seemed to consider us both for a few seconds, then went on its way again.

I had never been more thankful for Walter. Until Saturday.

I was exhausted when I woke up on Saturday morning. I was considering owling Madam Pomfrey, because my magic felt wonky, and it didn't feel right that I should be this fatigued. Yes, the week had been draining, the Dementors were not easy to be around, and I was still full of anxiety about my Shield. But I got dressed, Disapparated and flew my broom onto the prison. The day went on as usual – paperwork, prisoner care, food preparations... All day, my Shield didn't waver a single second, and I was surprised and proud of it.

We were all packing up and preparing to leave. Darla, Gregory and Heston had left a few minutes earlier, and Walter, me and Paula were heading towards our brooms. Halfway across the narrow bridge that led through the center of the prison, I felt a wave of exhaustion and dizziness wash over me and I stumbled. My Patronus Shield grew blue and opaque before it melted away like smoke in the wind. The chill of the Dementors crept over me and I gasped, grabbing the handrails for dear life, terrified of losing my balance and plummet down level after level after level to my death.

Walter had been behind me and was by my side in an instant, hands around my arms to help me stand. Paula looked down past the bridge and all three of us followed her gaze, seeing four Dementors flying towards us. The wound on my shoulder, where one of them had grazed me with their claws, started hurting. It was like icicles were stabbing me right into the barely healed scar.

But then it was gone, and the Dementors halted.

"Try to cast your Shield again," Walter spoke right into my ear. Only now did I notice he had his arms wrapped around me from behind. "I'm shielding you for now, but I can't keep it up for long. Cast your Shield again."

With shaking hands, I pulled my wand from my robe and cast the spell, but it didn't hold. Paula was looking between me and the Dementors. "You can do this. Focus. Focus on your memory," she said.

I took a deep breath, focused, and cast the spell again. The familiar blue grew from my skin, then went slowly transparent. Walter let go of me and stepped back slowly, taking his Shield with him. I gasped and I shook my head, and he was right back behind me. Again, I breathed and focused. Took a couple of seconds to really let the memory fill my heart. Then I cast again. The blue grew and went transparent. Walter stepped back, and this time, the chill of the Dementors did not come.

"What happened?" Paula asked, coming closer and looking worried.

"I'm not sure," I said with a frown. "I think I'm tired. Maybe I came back to work too soon. I don't know."

"You should go home and rest and maybe not come in tomorrow," Walter suggested. "We can handle things here without you for one day."

I looked back at him and shook my head. "I will be fine. I'll rest tonight, and it will be okay. Let's just... get out of here."

The other two nodded. I took one last glance down through the prison. The Dementors had retreated but were looking up at us.

I tried not to rush as I followed the other two to our brooms and flew to the Apparition Station, but when I arrived at home, I let out a breath of relief to be gone from there. I tossed my cloak over the back of the couch and was on the way to the bedroom to change my clothes when I stopped, hesitated, and then turned around and went for my cloak. I grabbed it, then dropped it.

"No. He's not there," I said to myself. "He's on a mission. With the werewolves. Right." I shook my head at my own silliness, my own weakness, and then went to get changed again.

Even after all these months of interacting with so many people, of making so many new friends, it still didn't come easy for me to seek out others when I needed it. Growing up feeling so estranged from my own family, being a loner in school and then becoming an Azkaban Security Official, I was used to getting by on my own and not needing anyone. So why did I now crave Remus' company? Why did I have the urge to go to Grimmauld Place just to not be alone?

I searched through my cabinets for something to make for dinner.

People were in and out of Grimmauld Place all the time, not just to relay messages or leave reports. No one would question it if I just... dropped by. I had before. I could leave a message for Madam Pomfrey, saying I wanted to have another check-up just in case. I could ask if anyone knew how Remus' mission was going. I could double-check the guard schedule. I could even have a drink with Sirius.

But I ended up by the kitchen table, glancing out at the waxing moon lighting up the thin layer of snow that had fallen over the landscape during the day, eating my dinner and making plans to get more food after my shift the next day.