Title: Dessert of the Day

Author: paws-bells

Characters/Pairing: Haruno Sakura and Uchiha Itachi

Type: One Shot/Drabble Collection (InComplete)

Genre: Romance/General/Humor

Word Count: 2334

Rating: T (Contains content not suitable for children)

Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Kishimoto-san.

Summary: Random ItaSaku drabbles/onesies featuring various universes and various storylines for your reading pleasure. Chapters may or may not be interconnected.

Created on: 30/04/14

Completed on: 01/05/14

Chapter Last Revised on: 03/12/16

Prompt: Non-massacre AU. Sakura has no idea how to deal with Itachi (who is just like Kakashi in their dislike of spending time being hospitalized) over the duration of his stay in the hospital.

Onyx eyes narrowed.

He was in a dangerous place right now, entrenched deep within the heart of enemy headquarters. Escape was not an option – not yet, at any rate. The opponent's stronghold was considerably airtight and once one was captured, there was little to no opportunity for escape. He had been taken against his will when he was injured and unconscious from a mission, and by the time he awoke and was aware of the distressing fate that had befallen him, he had already been thoroughly processed and stuck unceremoniously inside a guarded cell, his clothes and weapons stripped from him and a dismal, flimsy piece of garment forced upon his person instead. The thin, bare fabric was nothing like the lightly armored ANBU uniform that he was used to, and he also felt naked and uncomfortably vulnerable without his usual gear within reach. This was no doubt the deliberate design of the enemy, a cruel and calculated attempt at psychological torture so as to subdue him and force his compliance, but he would not be so easily cowed or defeated.

He had been kept prisoner in here for three days already, and even though his debilitating injuries kept him from moving, he still did his best to closely observe the enemy's movements, as much as he possibly could, at the very least. From what he could discern, security around the parameters was incredibly tight. Every fifteen minutes, a guard would patrol down the hallway and check in on all the miserable captives kept along that stretch, and every few hours, a staff would enter the room in which he was kept in and administer a cocktail of powerful, paralyzing drugs into his system. Even here, his great name and infamous prowess preceded him, and it was obvious that his enemy knew just how dangerous he could be if not properly contained, judging by the measures that had been taken to restrain him for the past few days.

But they had made a grave oversight today. The attendant who had been supposed to come by to inject the paralytic agent into him had failed to make an appearance that morning to perform his usual duty, and as such, the raven haired ANBU had felt his strength gradually return to him as the hours ticked by, the immobilizing effect of the drugs slowly but surely wearing off until his body was once more reacting to his commands as per normal. He was still greatly impeded by his wounds, but at least he was mobile again and more than ready to make his move.

Armed with nothing more than several lengths of industrial grade catheters and a bedpan (thankfully empty), he stoically prepared to put his Great Escape Plan into motion. This enemy headquarters was well known to be an impregnable fortress designed to keep people within its walls against their wills, but he had done his research accordingly and its inhabitants would need more than this to trap him in here indefinitely. He fully intended to get out as soon as he could; no doubt this would quickly devolve into an untenable hostage situation otherwise – he was a scion of a great clan of Konoha and therefore he knew that his younger brother would eventually be sent in to negotiate his safe release. He was determined not to burden his otouto due to his own carelessness, and therefore he resolved to make his own escape. Hopefully, his other teammates who had been similarly captured would have also already found their freedom as well.

It took a bit of work and very delicate maneuvering on his part to make his way over to the weakest point of his cell. He could hear the patrol roving outside along the hallway, and therefore he was extremely careful to move as noiselessly as possible. His effort paid off and he managed to find a handhold along the ledge of the ventilation panel at the top corner of the room, though it was quite the challenge hoisting himself up singlehandedly onto the narrow edge.

Unfortunately, before he could completely and soundlessly disappear into the intricate maze that was the ventilation network of the entire building, the door to his cell opened and a very dry, exasperated voice sounded out after a long, irritated pause.

"…Uchiha-san, I don't know what you think that you're doing inside the ceiling, but kindly get your prodigious Sharingan-wielding behind back down right now, or so help me god I'll go up there and princess carry you down myself."

The long haired male tensed imperceptibly at the dangerously impatient female tone ringing out from directly below him, and if he didn't have one whole leg set in a cast right now and the opposite arm broken and resting impotently in a sling, the ANBU Captain would have had made a clean getaway long ago, disappearing into the shadows like a ghostly wraith, untraceable and undetectable. Unfortunately, since he was seldom if ever at his peak condition whenever he crossed path with the sharp tongued pink haired witch who also happened to be the beloved teammate of his younger brother as well as the overall in charge of the trauma intensive care unit of the Konoha Hospital, it appeared that his plan for a clean getaway had just been completely and thoroughly thwarted.

The heir to the Uchiha clan kept his cool though, and peered down owlishly at the woman who was scowling lightly up at him at the same time. "Haruno-san," he greeted cordially and politely, as if he had not just been caught red-handed in the act of fleeing from his hospital ward like an errant child vainly attempting to escape getting its booster shots. "I was checking the ventilation for this room."

It was the hallmark of a great ninja to be able to lie with a completely straight face, and Uchiha Itachi was obviously all that and more. The petal haired medic nin gave him an incredulous stare for telling such an obvious, barefaced fib, but his expression was so bland and placidly calm as he spoke that it was downright impossible to call him out on it, the weasel (pun fully intended). He was really pushing it, but since this was not the first time that she had dealt with the ridiculous antics of this sort of males, she merely, sweetly, replied.

"No worries. In anticipation of your…concerns, you may be pleased to find that I've placed you in the room where the ventilation duct leads straight to the powerful sets of metallic fans that are revolving constantly at full speed to bring you, Uchiha-san, the freshest air that we have to offer. We've also placed anti-tampering seals on the fans to ensure that no one will attempt to do anything strange like, say, try to get past them for some reason, so you're perfectly safe and, uh, well-ventilated here."

In other words, no way in hell was he going anywhere until she was well and ready to release him. The man was obviously delusional in her opinion – he still suffered from a mild concussion as well as broken bones here and there, and his irrational actions would have led her to believe that he must have had somehow been dropped on his head (repeatedly) on the way back to Konoha, if not for the fact that they always had to go through this vexing conversation (with varying degrees of irritation on both sides) whenever the Uchiha heir landed himself in the hospital after a particularly harrowing mission.

"Are you going to come down from there now. Uchiha-san?" Sakura enquired with saccharine politeness, not at all intimidated by the inscrutable stare that the big bad ANBU Captain was currently leveling at her. "Or do you require my assistance after all?"

He appeared mildly insulted by her questioning of his abilities. Even with one leg in a cast, he managed to land deftly on the ground after lightly pushing off from the ceiling, thereby showcasing the fact that he was still more graceful than the average person even with his current disability. Sakura was even more exasperated, and she motioned for the patient to get back into bed before briskly getting him settled and then checking that he was responding well to the medical treatment so far. He was, and by the time she was satisfied with her general diagnosis and checkup on him, the pink haired female lifted her head to glance at the man only to find that he had been staring at her all along. Or rather, he was glaring at her.

Sakura was taken aback by the unexpected hostility.

"What?" she blurted out as he continued to eye her intensely. "Hey, I know that you don't like to be in here, Uchiha-san – it's not like I enjoy your suffering either so you don't have to look at me like that-"

"Haruno-san," he abruptly interrupted in an intent, brooding manner. "…You're a wonderful person."

Then, he paused after unceremoniously dropping that glowing pearl of wisdom on her, as if waiting with interest to judge her response.

Startled, Sakura's face turned slightly pink at the random compliment from the ridiculously handsome male, but beyond that, she was not fooled by his lousy attempt at flattery whatsoever. "…You're that desperate to leave this place, huh?"

"Mere flowers cannot even hope to compare to your sparkling brilliance," he continued to intone in a flat, completely deadpan manner. "Your beauty is beyond compare; radiant and blinding, and your-"

"…Stop," she sputtered out before he could go on to compose on the spot randomly horrible and overly corny poetry of her physical attributes and 'blossom'-like appearance – all of which she had already heard more than a hundred times over already. "And also, quit glaring death at me when you're spouting this drivel – it looks really awful."

His brow furrowed ever so slightly at her feedback, disconcerted that his attempt at smoldering at her had not worked. "I was told that women like it when men stare at them passionately."

Had Kakashi-sempai given him faulty advice? In hindsight, it really wasn't the wisest idea to take romantic suggestions from a man who liked to walk about the streets reading porn in broad daylight.

Once again, Sakura shot the socially awkward Uchiha heir a disbelieving look. Then, the kunoichi groaned aloud and shook her head exasperatedly. She really should have known. After all, it was a well-documented fact that the members of the Uchiha clan became most ferociously passionate when it came to the subject of hating or killing something/someone – it was probably even in one of their secret clan doctrines – but this was still pretty ridiculous.

"No, thank you, Uchiha-san. I'm pretty sure I don't need your brand of 'passion' anywhere near me – I may not survive it." This conversation was actually turning out to be rather hilarious, and Sakura was fighting not to smile at the incredulity of it all. Despite her irritation at the Uchiha's antics, the man's sometimes bewildering responses and demeanor were pretty endearing at times, and unbidden, her lips twitched.

"Well, I can see that you are getting better already, if you have the energy to do all these pointless things. Regrettably, I've also had you taken off most of the painkillers and sedatives since this morning, so you're going to be moving around even if expressly ordered not to, am I right?"

Itachi didn't even attempt to pretend to misunderstand her mildly accusatory words. Sakura's eye twitched. For all of the man's tactical genius and fearsome mission records, he was obviously an idiot like his younger brother as well as most of the other shinobi she knew. Seriously, why were all men like this?

"You're just going to keep being difficult about this, aren't you?"

He eyed her back calmly. "…Would you like to hear more of my poetry?" he enquired politely in return, and Sakura could not help herself, she snorted with laughter.

"Touché, Uchiha-san. Fine, you win this time round. I'll discharge you to recuperate at home. There will be strictly no intense training or exercise for the next one week, or I'll have you dragged back here and you can recite your poetry personally to Tsunade-sama, are we clear? Also, it seems that your younger brother has received your SOS message and is here to spring you from the slammer – very brave and loyal of him to do so, I may add, seeing that he is due for a full body checkup and has been ignoring summons for the past few weeks."

Sakura marked off the checklist on the Uchiha's patient file and then signed off at the bottom of the release form with a quick flourish. "There. Now you're soon to be officially free, Uchiha-san. Kindly remember to exit properly from the hospital front doors this time, and not via the ventilation ducts or the side windows, and also tell Sasuke that I expect him to be on time for his medical appointment or I'll be reserving the largest rectal thermometer I can find for his personal use."

With that disturbingly friendly, cheerful message that was both impressive and alarming at the same time, the pretty kunoichi turned and started to back out of the room. "Nothing else, right, Uchiha-san? Please stay put for a bit longer and I'll have someone drop by with the rest of the discharge paperwork."

Executing a quick, polite bow to her patient, the pink haired medic nin excused herself and left the ward, leaving the Uchiha to stare after her in a reluctantly intrigued manner. The woman was always breezing in and out of places and it was impossible not to notice her – her vibrant coloring and upbeat demeanor was extremely eye catching to him. Much to Itachi's chagrin, catching her attention was nowhere near as easy though, but just like with everything he did, the ANBU Captain was doing his best.

Perhaps he should try reciting haiku next time…

::owari::

Questions That I Would Like To Answer Before You Ask:

…I really don't know why my non-massacre AU!Itachi almost always comes out so dorky and socially awkward. I really don't! Sometimes I feel like I'm ruining his good name and reputation with my quirky ass depictions of him but at the same time I'm also: ┐('～`；)┌

Anyways! I hope that this installment has coaxed a few chuckles out of some of you at least. The weekend is finally around the corner again and so I wish everyone a great break from the usual weekday stress! I, for one, am going to be exploring one of my country's popular attractions: Gardens by the Bay. I have not visited it yet, but I have seen all the pretty pictures online and the place is absolutely gorgeous. I'm planning to visit the Cloud Forest, the Flower Dome, and the Supertree Grove. Those of you who are following me on tumblr will probably be seeing quite the picspam of assorted nature and plants over the next couple of days, and I'm also hoping that the experience will gain me some new ItaSaku inspiration while I wander the extensive grounds doing random things like pondering the meaning of life and creepily watching people, heh.

Psst! What do you guys think of Bee Prince!Itachi, defender of all flora, fauna and enemy of litterbugs and honey thieves alike?! Sakura is already snickering her ass off picturing a nonplussed Itachi all decked out in a bee costume but on the other hand, Itachi's willing (and resigned) to take one for the team if it's for the sake of protecting our environment and keeping our world clean and green!

(Itachi, contemplative: "I suppose that makes me someone who can float like a butterfly and sting like a bee."

Sakura, with tears in her eyes: "What are you going to do? Float over in reverse and present your opponent butt first?"

Itachi, deadpanning: "…That move worked when I tried it on you.")

Ehehehe.

Alright, enough silly crack from yours truly! You lot enjoy this weekend too and remember to have fun responsibly!

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Your reviews fuel my passion for writing. So please leave a comment if you like this fic!

-paws