Hello hello hello ! Thank you again for the reviews ! It really, really
encourages me, you know ? ^^ Now... I have a new chapter, with a new song
and a new... uhm... Author's Note.^^ Ok, here we go again : the song is
made by Marilyn Manson (I like his music, but I'm NOT a satan worshipper!)
and uhm... it's called 'The Nobodies', which goes perfect with my story.
I'd like to say that I've been very very very busy so that I didn't have
mich time, so SORRY for working on this slow. :'( I can't help it ! It's
that stupid school !!! Ok, on with the story !
Disclaimer : I do NOT own Digimon.
P.S. : heh heh there's a very loooooooong diary entry in this one^^ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Marilyn Manson - - - The Nobodies.
Today I'm dirty
I want to to be pretty
Tomorrow I know, I'm just dirt
Today I'm dirty
I want to to be pretty
Tomorrow I know, I'm just dirt
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I'm forever dirt
Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I'm forever dirt
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Some children died the other day
We feed machines and then we pray
Look up and down mortified
You should have seen the ratings that day
Some children died the other day
We feed machines and then we pray
Look up and down mortified
You should have seen the ratings that day
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Sky Is Crying - - - - - - - - by Mari-sama~
Matt sighed as he knocked on the door of his mother's house.
- - - Here we go again... - - - he thought.
Soon enough, he heard footsteps coming to him very fast.
It was his mother.
She opened the door and before he could say anything, she flew around his neck.
"Oh, Matt..."
- - - What the - ? - - -
"Matt... I'm so sorry..." she said, on the verge of tears.
She put her arms down and took Matt's hands.
- - - Ok, this is strange. - - -
"Don't you ever run away again, Matt !" she said.
"You have no idea how worried I was."
"I'm sorry, mom..." Matt whispered.
"It's ok, I am sorry for saying... you know..."
"Yeah, I know... Can I please go to my room now ? I'm very tired."
Nancy let go of his hands and watched him as he went up the stairs.
"Uh- Matt ?" she asked, indicating the door in the hall.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Matt said.
- - - I can't even go to my own room... - - -
- - - Oh, crap. - - -
- - - I am so gonna die tomorrow. - - -
- - - First session. - - -
- - - I don't wanna go to a psychiatrist ! I don't need help ! - - -
- - - Well... - - -
He looked at his arm and then pulled up the sleeve of his shirt.
- - - Maybe I do... - - -
- - - But still, I don't wanna go. - - -
"Therapy sucks." He told himself, lying down on his bed, and staring at the ceiling.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That evening, Matt awoke by the scent of food. As usual, he didn't feel really hungry, but he got up from his bed and walked to the dinner room.
"Mom ? What are you doing ?" he asked wearily.
"Cooking, of course..." she grinned, putting some plates on the table.
Matt looked confused, which caused Nancy to say :
"Matt, it's only 7 pm, you went to your room and fell asleep."
Matt murmered :
"Oh..." and then started to walk back to his room.
"Matt ?"
"What, mom ?" he sighed, not really showing her any respect nor interest.
"I wanna talk to you." She said, sitting down on one of the chairs.
"If it's about what happened, sorry, but you shouldn't be the one to talk about that with me." Matt responded, already leaving the room.
"Matt, please come back ! It's not about that !"
Nancy waited for Matt to speak again.
"Ok then..." he mumbled, walking back to the table and placing himself down.
"So... tomorrow you're going to see somebody."
"Yeah, I know that, mom."
"Doctor Matsurei is a very good psychiatrist and so I expect you to be nice and friendly."
"Ok, ok, I will."
"Good, and uhm... Don't lie to him, ok ? Just tell him the truth."
"I will, mom !" Matt half-shouted, getting a bit angry.
"Now... Do- do you...- you know ? Do you-"
Nancy indicated her arm.
"Do I what ?"
- - - What the hell does she want from me ?! - - -
- - - To tell her the truth ? - - -
- - - I hate her. - - -
"You know... Do you hurt yourself ?"
"No, mom. And I told you I won't talk about that, ok ?"
Matt immediately stood up and wanted to go back to his bedroom but stopped as an opened drawer caught his eye. There were kitchen knives in it, and sharp things, such as razorblades, cheese knives, ...
- - - Oh Jesus... - - -
"Mom ?" Matt asked, his eyes still fixed on the drawer.
Nancy turned around and quickly ran to Matt.
"Mom, what did you think... ?" Matt said, so disappointed.
Nancy shut the drawer and wanted to take Matt's hands.
"No ! Don't touch me !" he shouted.
She sniffled and said :
"Matt, I didn't know what to do ! I just wanted to-"
"Help me ? Is that what you want ? Mom ! What were you thinking ?!"
"Matt, I'm-"
"Just leave me alone !" he yelled, running back to his room.
- - - I can't believe it ! - - - he thought as he dropped himself on his bed.
He curled up to a ball and placed himself against the wall.
He rose a hand to his cheek and felt that it was wet by tears.
- - - Why am I crying ? - - -
- - - Matt, what are you doing ? - - -
- - - I need my diary ! - - -
He slammed his hands on the wall in frustration and wanted to scream, but he controlled himself.
- - - Be calm, Matt. Be calm. - - -
- - - Calm down, and you'll be fine ! - - -
Matt sighed.
- - - Will this ever stop ? - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That night, at about 2pm, Matt was lying awake in his bed.
He was very hungry, because he had refused to go to the dinner room to eat with TK and Nancy.
- - - Should I take something to eat ? - - -
He decided to do so, and stood up from his bed.
When he walked into the dinner room, he suddenly thought back on what had happened a few hours ago.
The drawer...
He didn't even hesitate.
But quickly ran to it, still trying not to make any noise. What if TK or Nancy would wake up now ? He'd be in big, big trouble.
- - - Gotta be strong now... - - -
- - - You know you want it, don't you ? - - -
- - - I do. - - -
Matt opened it and surprised, he saw that all the contents were still there.
- - - Perfect. - - -
He took out a razorblade, one of his favorites, because it was the sharpest and easiest. It didn't hurt him that much, but still, it was so sharp that it would always be a deep cut.
Matt smiled.
- - - First time in ages that I feel actually relieved. - - -
He went back to the room, very careful he stepped on the wooden floor, trying not to make it crack.
As soon as he got back into the room and shut the door, he wanted to jump and to scream.
- - - Haha... - - -
- - - Freak that you are ! - - - he thought, taking the razorblade in a good grip.
His hand moved to his shirt and pulled the sleeve up, almost automatically.
He looked closely to his arm, but he didn't even saw the scars anymore, it had become such a routine that it looked normal to him, even though he knew it was freaky and gross.
The blade, it went over his skin and when it went over a clean spot, he pushed it in.
It wasn't that painful, but still, he winced at the thought of seeing himself. Cutting himself, causing harm to himself, hurting himself, making another scar, getting a step closer to the addiction of doing it. And that... made him cry. It hurt him so much !
He wanted to scream but couldn't.
- - - Just make it STOP !!! - - -
- - - Go away !!! - - -
And then... silence...
He became calm and controlled again...
and fell asleep as soon as he had put it away...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The next day, Matt got up very urly, feeling nervous.
He quickly ate something and got ready for his first visit to the psychiatrist. Actually he didn't even wanna go, but his mother... Matt hoped that she couldn't see the new scar.
"Are you ready, Matt ?" she yelled down the hall.
She was upstairs, looking for her coat.
"Yeah !"
Matt thought it was useless to bring him by car. He was old enough to go by bus, right ?
- - - She probably thinks I'll run away and then won't go... - - -
- - - I don't feel like going anyway. - - -
"Ok, I'm ready ! Let's go !" She said, passing Matt.
- - - Mom ? Aren't I looking like I don't wanna go ? - - -
"Come on, Matt ! We're late !" Nancy shouted.
- - - Obviously not. - - -
Matt walked to the front door and went outside.
- - - I wanna disappear. - - -
- - - Right now. - - -
He got in and they drove to a large street, huge gardens and cars.
- - - I'll hate this Matsurei guy. - - -
The car stopped and Matt clicked the door open. As slow as possible, he took his jacket from the backseat and walked to the big door.
He felt strange, and coming to a place like this made him feel like such a freak.
Nancy rang the doorbell. A beeping sound came from the speaker at the side of the wall, and the door went open, automatically.
Matt and Nancy had to wait, but not for too long. Just long enough to keep the empty silence between them. They hadn't spoke in the car either.
When they heard a door click open and footsteps coming their way, Nancy stood up and bowed for a tall man, who was Dr. Matsurei.
He bowed to her and said :
"Hello, Mrs. Ishida."
"Uhm... it's Takaishi, doctor, we're divorced. But, please call me Nancy."
"Ok, Nancy. So..." he turned to Matt.
"You must be Matt, I suppose."
Instead of bowing to the man or saying 'hello', Matt turned to his mother with pleading eyes. He said :
"Mom, I don't wanna go."
"Matt !" Nancy said, embarrassed.
She looked at Dr. Matsurei as if saying 'sorry'.
"Mom, I don't wanna go, please get me out of here !" he whispered.
"Matt, no..." she said, hugging him.
He was on the verge of tears, obviously.
Dr. Matsurei walked to Matt and took his arm. Nancy let go off him and said :
"Bye, Matt."
And then she walked away.
"Mom ! No ! Wait !" Matt shouted.
He wanted to run after her, but Dr. Matsurei didn't loose his grip on Matt's shoulder.
He pushed Matt into his office, causing him to yell.
"Let go of me !"
"Matt, calm down." His voice said, sternly.
The doctor shut the door.
- - - Gotta be strong... - - -
"Leave me alone !" Matt shouted.
The office was big, and almost empty. There were only two chairs, a brown couch, a big white closet and a few plants in it. The floor and ceiling were white, like in the hospital.
"Please sit down, Yamato."
Matt glared at him, hearing his full name.
"Please sit down, Matt."
Matt hesitated.
"You can sit in the couch if you want to." Dr. Matsurei said, indicating the brown and, obviously, expensive couch.
Matt sat down.
"Now, take off your jacket."
Matt did so and threw it on the chair.
"Nice jacket you got there." Matsurei said, placing himself on his chair.
"Don't try." Matt sulked, not even looking in his direction.
"Don't try what ? And look at me when you speak to me."
Matt looked stunned, but did turn around.
"You can't tell me what to do."
"And you can't tell me what to tell you."
"Fine ! I won't talk to you, then !" Matt said, crossing his arms.
"Ok, good. But remember, your mother's paying for this."
"I don't care !"
"Hmm... Your parents are divorced, I heard..."
"I know."
"What do you think about that ?"
"I said I wasn't gonna talk to you !" Matt shouted, looking at the doctor now.
"Ok, then, Yamato. You don't have to talk, but I do want you to write down something." Matsurei said, handing him over a paper and pencil.
Matt asked him 'what' with his eyes.
"Anything."
"Anything ?" Matt asked, frowning.
"Whatever you like, you choose."
Matt stared at the man as if he were Jun trying to impress Matt by stripping off her clothes. He shivered at that thought.
"Fine, then." He said, pulling the paper from Matsurei's hands.
Then he said :
"Matt, now I've gotta go for a minute. You stay here and do whatever you like, ok ?"
"But we've just met !"
"I'll be back." He said, tapping Matt's hair.
"Don't treat me like I'm a baby !" Matt shouted, staring and Dr. Matsurei who disappeared behind the door.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Matsurei walked passed the secretary.
"Any messages, Lucy ?" he asked the brunette.
"No, Doctor."
"Would you please put on the camera's of room 2 ?"
"Yes, Doctor."
"He's a tough one."
"Who ? The blonde ?"
"Yeah, didn't you hear him yell when I pulled him into the office ?"
"Yes, I did. He's pretty much alive."
Dr. Matsurei laughed at that.
"What happened to him ?"
"Oh... long story. His parents divorced, he tried to commit suicide and he's a self injurer."
"And he's only 14 years old ? Poor thing..."
"Yeah, sure is. Now, I only need to find out 'why'."
"Hmm... Is he in your office ?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna watch him writing some things down and then I'll leave him there for an hour. He won't have a clue."
"Yes, Doctor, he won't."
"Ok, I gotta go, talk to you later, Luce !"
"Yes, Doctor."
Mr. Matsurei walked into a room that had about 10 TV screens on the wall and there was a sort of window between that room and the office where Matt was, only Matt couldn't see it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - Boring man, that doctor is... - - - Matt thought, standing up from the couch.
He took the paper from the table and then looked behind him, to the door. Very carefully, he went to the desk and placed himself on Dr. Matsurei's chair.
He turned it around till he got dizzy.
- - - Boring. - - -
- - - Does my mom pay for this ? - - -
- - - Jesus... what a waste of money. - - -
- - - I'd rather have a new Playstation then this. - - -
He looked at the man's desk and opened the drawers, one by one. Unfortunately, the drawers that probably contained the documents and files, were locked.
- - - Too bad... - - -
But Matt didn't give up that easy.
- - - I want a diary. - - -
He went to the closet, that stood next to the desk and opened it. There were papers, pencils, books, and maps in it. Enough for him to take. He took out a yellow book, the size of a half page.
- - - Hmm... It's empty. - - -
- - - It's mine. - - -
He went back to sit on the chair behind the desk and started to write.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dearest diary,
I just stole you from Dr. Matsurei's closet. He's my psychiatrist. Yeah... I'm a looney. There has happened a lot, you know ? It's been ages ago that I wrote down something. But I don't wanna talk about all that boring stuff. I'm still the same me. The same jerk, son of a bitch, the same freak. Ok, here we go again. I love dissing myself. I love the way that I can break. I just break. Sometimes, at the weirdest moments, and then I wanna cut myself again. It's a cycle, and it's so goddamn fucking unbreakable. I hate it !!! It always goes like this : Something makes me upset, and that causes me to be quiet and depressed for the whole day, and that works on the nerves of other people, such as Tai, or my mom, and then they start to ask annoying questions, and then I have another fight, mostly with my mom, and then I feel the urge for a new cut, so I make it, and then, blah blah blah, I'm depressed again, because I can't bear the marks and scars... I'm a little shit, eh ? I do things to myself which I can't handle, and I enjoy it ! FREAK ! Yes, Yamato Ishida, or simply said : Matt, is a total nutcase. A mental freak, and that's probably the reason for me to be stuck in this place. I hope my mom stops doing this. I hate it ! I'm locked in a guy's office and I have to write down something. 'Something'. Yeah, sure... Something ? Nah, I don't wanna write stupid things, and NO WAY that he's gonna read my diary ! You're the only one who really knows me... Pathetic, right ? No offence, but after all, you're just a book, a bunch of pages, and you're the only one who I trust... I feel alone. So alone. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the desert and I'm shouting for help. Only in reality, there's lots of people around me. And they all think they know me. And it's like : "Matt, what's wrong ? Matt, are you ok ? Matt, what's the matter ?" I'm so sick of it all !!! Why do they keep on asking anyway ? I won't give them any right answer, so they all have to leave me alone, and chill someplace else. Just back off, people ! Hm... Even though... sometimes it feels good to hear a 'hello' or 'goodmorning'. I think my friends care. Sora, she's nice. And Mimi is nice too. Actually, I like all of them. Only Tai is special. He's my best friend. I lie much to him, and no, actually I never tell him the truth... But hey ! He is the only one that I can fool. He doesn't notice when I'm down. And I'm so thankful for that. But yeah... now ? He'll never leave his eyes off me again. Because I tried to kill myself. About that... It was the only cut that I really didn't feel. My pain receptors probably did, but I didn't. The only thing I felt, was the blood dripping on the floor. I can still hear it... The drops... Like soft rain, falling into the puddles in the street. I used to like rain when I was young. I sill do, actually. I love to run through the streets when it's raining. It feels like all the shame is washed away then... Ohh... that reminds me of Kari... She's in love with me, you know ? But she's 11 years old ! 12 in a few weeks, but I'm 14. I can't love her, right ? Well, I can, but I won't. I don't have any more feelings for her but just pure friendship. Friendship ? I HATE friendship ! I HATE THE WORD FRIENDSHIP !!! I HATE IT !!! I HATE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm the Keeper of it ? FUCK ! I hate myself... I mean it, I hate myself, and I should die... What use am I for the world ? I worry other people, fight with them, hurt them, so I guess... I'm no good. I'm NO good. I'm Nobody. Nobody. Nobody Ishida. Sounds like me, eh ? Yeah... Gotta go now. Sorry, bye.
~Nobody.
Ok, peeps, that was it again ! The next chapter will be up SOOn, so don't panick. And now please review and keep reading these stories ! Thank you very much ! I want 5 more reviews and then I'll get the next chapter on, ok ? So, be good and click on : 'Submit Review' Good ! Thank you ! ^^
-x-x-x- Mari-sama~
Disclaimer : I do NOT own Digimon.
P.S. : heh heh there's a very loooooooong diary entry in this one^^ - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Marilyn Manson - - - The Nobodies.
Today I'm dirty
I want to to be pretty
Tomorrow I know, I'm just dirt
Today I'm dirty
I want to to be pretty
Tomorrow I know, I'm just dirt
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I'm forever dirt
Yesterday I was dirty
Wanted to be pretty
I know now that I'm forever dirt
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Some children died the other day
We feed machines and then we pray
Look up and down mortified
You should have seen the ratings that day
Some children died the other day
We feed machines and then we pray
Look up and down mortified
You should have seen the ratings that day
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
We are the nobodies
Wanna be somebodies
We're dead, we know just who we are
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The Sky Is Crying - - - - - - - - by Mari-sama~
Matt sighed as he knocked on the door of his mother's house.
- - - Here we go again... - - - he thought.
Soon enough, he heard footsteps coming to him very fast.
It was his mother.
She opened the door and before he could say anything, she flew around his neck.
"Oh, Matt..."
- - - What the - ? - - -
"Matt... I'm so sorry..." she said, on the verge of tears.
She put her arms down and took Matt's hands.
- - - Ok, this is strange. - - -
"Don't you ever run away again, Matt !" she said.
"You have no idea how worried I was."
"I'm sorry, mom..." Matt whispered.
"It's ok, I am sorry for saying... you know..."
"Yeah, I know... Can I please go to my room now ? I'm very tired."
Nancy let go of his hands and watched him as he went up the stairs.
"Uh- Matt ?" she asked, indicating the door in the hall.
"Oh yeah, I forgot." Matt said.
- - - I can't even go to my own room... - - -
- - - Oh, crap. - - -
- - - I am so gonna die tomorrow. - - -
- - - First session. - - -
- - - I don't wanna go to a psychiatrist ! I don't need help ! - - -
- - - Well... - - -
He looked at his arm and then pulled up the sleeve of his shirt.
- - - Maybe I do... - - -
- - - But still, I don't wanna go. - - -
"Therapy sucks." He told himself, lying down on his bed, and staring at the ceiling.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That evening, Matt awoke by the scent of food. As usual, he didn't feel really hungry, but he got up from his bed and walked to the dinner room.
"Mom ? What are you doing ?" he asked wearily.
"Cooking, of course..." she grinned, putting some plates on the table.
Matt looked confused, which caused Nancy to say :
"Matt, it's only 7 pm, you went to your room and fell asleep."
Matt murmered :
"Oh..." and then started to walk back to his room.
"Matt ?"
"What, mom ?" he sighed, not really showing her any respect nor interest.
"I wanna talk to you." She said, sitting down on one of the chairs.
"If it's about what happened, sorry, but you shouldn't be the one to talk about that with me." Matt responded, already leaving the room.
"Matt, please come back ! It's not about that !"
Nancy waited for Matt to speak again.
"Ok then..." he mumbled, walking back to the table and placing himself down.
"So... tomorrow you're going to see somebody."
"Yeah, I know that, mom."
"Doctor Matsurei is a very good psychiatrist and so I expect you to be nice and friendly."
"Ok, ok, I will."
"Good, and uhm... Don't lie to him, ok ? Just tell him the truth."
"I will, mom !" Matt half-shouted, getting a bit angry.
"Now... Do- do you...- you know ? Do you-"
Nancy indicated her arm.
"Do I what ?"
- - - What the hell does she want from me ?! - - -
- - - To tell her the truth ? - - -
- - - I hate her. - - -
"You know... Do you hurt yourself ?"
"No, mom. And I told you I won't talk about that, ok ?"
Matt immediately stood up and wanted to go back to his bedroom but stopped as an opened drawer caught his eye. There were kitchen knives in it, and sharp things, such as razorblades, cheese knives, ...
- - - Oh Jesus... - - -
"Mom ?" Matt asked, his eyes still fixed on the drawer.
Nancy turned around and quickly ran to Matt.
"Mom, what did you think... ?" Matt said, so disappointed.
Nancy shut the drawer and wanted to take Matt's hands.
"No ! Don't touch me !" he shouted.
She sniffled and said :
"Matt, I didn't know what to do ! I just wanted to-"
"Help me ? Is that what you want ? Mom ! What were you thinking ?!"
"Matt, I'm-"
"Just leave me alone !" he yelled, running back to his room.
- - - I can't believe it ! - - - he thought as he dropped himself on his bed.
He curled up to a ball and placed himself against the wall.
He rose a hand to his cheek and felt that it was wet by tears.
- - - Why am I crying ? - - -
- - - Matt, what are you doing ? - - -
- - - I need my diary ! - - -
He slammed his hands on the wall in frustration and wanted to scream, but he controlled himself.
- - - Be calm, Matt. Be calm. - - -
- - - Calm down, and you'll be fine ! - - -
Matt sighed.
- - - Will this ever stop ? - - -
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
That night, at about 2pm, Matt was lying awake in his bed.
He was very hungry, because he had refused to go to the dinner room to eat with TK and Nancy.
- - - Should I take something to eat ? - - -
He decided to do so, and stood up from his bed.
When he walked into the dinner room, he suddenly thought back on what had happened a few hours ago.
The drawer...
He didn't even hesitate.
But quickly ran to it, still trying not to make any noise. What if TK or Nancy would wake up now ? He'd be in big, big trouble.
- - - Gotta be strong now... - - -
- - - You know you want it, don't you ? - - -
- - - I do. - - -
Matt opened it and surprised, he saw that all the contents were still there.
- - - Perfect. - - -
He took out a razorblade, one of his favorites, because it was the sharpest and easiest. It didn't hurt him that much, but still, it was so sharp that it would always be a deep cut.
Matt smiled.
- - - First time in ages that I feel actually relieved. - - -
He went back to the room, very careful he stepped on the wooden floor, trying not to make it crack.
As soon as he got back into the room and shut the door, he wanted to jump and to scream.
- - - Haha... - - -
- - - Freak that you are ! - - - he thought, taking the razorblade in a good grip.
His hand moved to his shirt and pulled the sleeve up, almost automatically.
He looked closely to his arm, but he didn't even saw the scars anymore, it had become such a routine that it looked normal to him, even though he knew it was freaky and gross.
The blade, it went over his skin and when it went over a clean spot, he pushed it in.
It wasn't that painful, but still, he winced at the thought of seeing himself. Cutting himself, causing harm to himself, hurting himself, making another scar, getting a step closer to the addiction of doing it. And that... made him cry. It hurt him so much !
He wanted to scream but couldn't.
- - - Just make it STOP !!! - - -
- - - Go away !!! - - -
And then... silence...
He became calm and controlled again...
and fell asleep as soon as he had put it away...
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
The next day, Matt got up very urly, feeling nervous.
He quickly ate something and got ready for his first visit to the psychiatrist. Actually he didn't even wanna go, but his mother... Matt hoped that she couldn't see the new scar.
"Are you ready, Matt ?" she yelled down the hall.
She was upstairs, looking for her coat.
"Yeah !"
Matt thought it was useless to bring him by car. He was old enough to go by bus, right ?
- - - She probably thinks I'll run away and then won't go... - - -
- - - I don't feel like going anyway. - - -
"Ok, I'm ready ! Let's go !" She said, passing Matt.
- - - Mom ? Aren't I looking like I don't wanna go ? - - -
"Come on, Matt ! We're late !" Nancy shouted.
- - - Obviously not. - - -
Matt walked to the front door and went outside.
- - - I wanna disappear. - - -
- - - Right now. - - -
He got in and they drove to a large street, huge gardens and cars.
- - - I'll hate this Matsurei guy. - - -
The car stopped and Matt clicked the door open. As slow as possible, he took his jacket from the backseat and walked to the big door.
He felt strange, and coming to a place like this made him feel like such a freak.
Nancy rang the doorbell. A beeping sound came from the speaker at the side of the wall, and the door went open, automatically.
Matt and Nancy had to wait, but not for too long. Just long enough to keep the empty silence between them. They hadn't spoke in the car either.
When they heard a door click open and footsteps coming their way, Nancy stood up and bowed for a tall man, who was Dr. Matsurei.
He bowed to her and said :
"Hello, Mrs. Ishida."
"Uhm... it's Takaishi, doctor, we're divorced. But, please call me Nancy."
"Ok, Nancy. So..." he turned to Matt.
"You must be Matt, I suppose."
Instead of bowing to the man or saying 'hello', Matt turned to his mother with pleading eyes. He said :
"Mom, I don't wanna go."
"Matt !" Nancy said, embarrassed.
She looked at Dr. Matsurei as if saying 'sorry'.
"Mom, I don't wanna go, please get me out of here !" he whispered.
"Matt, no..." she said, hugging him.
He was on the verge of tears, obviously.
Dr. Matsurei walked to Matt and took his arm. Nancy let go off him and said :
"Bye, Matt."
And then she walked away.
"Mom ! No ! Wait !" Matt shouted.
He wanted to run after her, but Dr. Matsurei didn't loose his grip on Matt's shoulder.
He pushed Matt into his office, causing him to yell.
"Let go of me !"
"Matt, calm down." His voice said, sternly.
The doctor shut the door.
- - - Gotta be strong... - - -
"Leave me alone !" Matt shouted.
The office was big, and almost empty. There were only two chairs, a brown couch, a big white closet and a few plants in it. The floor and ceiling were white, like in the hospital.
"Please sit down, Yamato."
Matt glared at him, hearing his full name.
"Please sit down, Matt."
Matt hesitated.
"You can sit in the couch if you want to." Dr. Matsurei said, indicating the brown and, obviously, expensive couch.
Matt sat down.
"Now, take off your jacket."
Matt did so and threw it on the chair.
"Nice jacket you got there." Matsurei said, placing himself on his chair.
"Don't try." Matt sulked, not even looking in his direction.
"Don't try what ? And look at me when you speak to me."
Matt looked stunned, but did turn around.
"You can't tell me what to do."
"And you can't tell me what to tell you."
"Fine ! I won't talk to you, then !" Matt said, crossing his arms.
"Ok, good. But remember, your mother's paying for this."
"I don't care !"
"Hmm... Your parents are divorced, I heard..."
"I know."
"What do you think about that ?"
"I said I wasn't gonna talk to you !" Matt shouted, looking at the doctor now.
"Ok, then, Yamato. You don't have to talk, but I do want you to write down something." Matsurei said, handing him over a paper and pencil.
Matt asked him 'what' with his eyes.
"Anything."
"Anything ?" Matt asked, frowning.
"Whatever you like, you choose."
Matt stared at the man as if he were Jun trying to impress Matt by stripping off her clothes. He shivered at that thought.
"Fine, then." He said, pulling the paper from Matsurei's hands.
Then he said :
"Matt, now I've gotta go for a minute. You stay here and do whatever you like, ok ?"
"But we've just met !"
"I'll be back." He said, tapping Matt's hair.
"Don't treat me like I'm a baby !" Matt shouted, staring and Dr. Matsurei who disappeared behind the door.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dr. Matsurei walked passed the secretary.
"Any messages, Lucy ?" he asked the brunette.
"No, Doctor."
"Would you please put on the camera's of room 2 ?"
"Yes, Doctor."
"He's a tough one."
"Who ? The blonde ?"
"Yeah, didn't you hear him yell when I pulled him into the office ?"
"Yes, I did. He's pretty much alive."
Dr. Matsurei laughed at that.
"What happened to him ?"
"Oh... long story. His parents divorced, he tried to commit suicide and he's a self injurer."
"And he's only 14 years old ? Poor thing..."
"Yeah, sure is. Now, I only need to find out 'why'."
"Hmm... Is he in your office ?"
"Yeah, I'm gonna watch him writing some things down and then I'll leave him there for an hour. He won't have a clue."
"Yes, Doctor, he won't."
"Ok, I gotta go, talk to you later, Luce !"
"Yes, Doctor."
Mr. Matsurei walked into a room that had about 10 TV screens on the wall and there was a sort of window between that room and the office where Matt was, only Matt couldn't see it.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
- - - Boring man, that doctor is... - - - Matt thought, standing up from the couch.
He took the paper from the table and then looked behind him, to the door. Very carefully, he went to the desk and placed himself on Dr. Matsurei's chair.
He turned it around till he got dizzy.
- - - Boring. - - -
- - - Does my mom pay for this ? - - -
- - - Jesus... what a waste of money. - - -
- - - I'd rather have a new Playstation then this. - - -
He looked at the man's desk and opened the drawers, one by one. Unfortunately, the drawers that probably contained the documents and files, were locked.
- - - Too bad... - - -
But Matt didn't give up that easy.
- - - I want a diary. - - -
He went to the closet, that stood next to the desk and opened it. There were papers, pencils, books, and maps in it. Enough for him to take. He took out a yellow book, the size of a half page.
- - - Hmm... It's empty. - - -
- - - It's mine. - - -
He went back to sit on the chair behind the desk and started to write.
- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -
Dearest diary,
I just stole you from Dr. Matsurei's closet. He's my psychiatrist. Yeah... I'm a looney. There has happened a lot, you know ? It's been ages ago that I wrote down something. But I don't wanna talk about all that boring stuff. I'm still the same me. The same jerk, son of a bitch, the same freak. Ok, here we go again. I love dissing myself. I love the way that I can break. I just break. Sometimes, at the weirdest moments, and then I wanna cut myself again. It's a cycle, and it's so goddamn fucking unbreakable. I hate it !!! It always goes like this : Something makes me upset, and that causes me to be quiet and depressed for the whole day, and that works on the nerves of other people, such as Tai, or my mom, and then they start to ask annoying questions, and then I have another fight, mostly with my mom, and then I feel the urge for a new cut, so I make it, and then, blah blah blah, I'm depressed again, because I can't bear the marks and scars... I'm a little shit, eh ? I do things to myself which I can't handle, and I enjoy it ! FREAK ! Yes, Yamato Ishida, or simply said : Matt, is a total nutcase. A mental freak, and that's probably the reason for me to be stuck in this place. I hope my mom stops doing this. I hate it ! I'm locked in a guy's office and I have to write down something. 'Something'. Yeah, sure... Something ? Nah, I don't wanna write stupid things, and NO WAY that he's gonna read my diary ! You're the only one who really knows me... Pathetic, right ? No offence, but after all, you're just a book, a bunch of pages, and you're the only one who I trust... I feel alone. So alone. I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the desert and I'm shouting for help. Only in reality, there's lots of people around me. And they all think they know me. And it's like : "Matt, what's wrong ? Matt, are you ok ? Matt, what's the matter ?" I'm so sick of it all !!! Why do they keep on asking anyway ? I won't give them any right answer, so they all have to leave me alone, and chill someplace else. Just back off, people ! Hm... Even though... sometimes it feels good to hear a 'hello' or 'goodmorning'. I think my friends care. Sora, she's nice. And Mimi is nice too. Actually, I like all of them. Only Tai is special. He's my best friend. I lie much to him, and no, actually I never tell him the truth... But hey ! He is the only one that I can fool. He doesn't notice when I'm down. And I'm so thankful for that. But yeah... now ? He'll never leave his eyes off me again. Because I tried to kill myself. About that... It was the only cut that I really didn't feel. My pain receptors probably did, but I didn't. The only thing I felt, was the blood dripping on the floor. I can still hear it... The drops... Like soft rain, falling into the puddles in the street. I used to like rain when I was young. I sill do, actually. I love to run through the streets when it's raining. It feels like all the shame is washed away then... Ohh... that reminds me of Kari... She's in love with me, you know ? But she's 11 years old ! 12 in a few weeks, but I'm 14. I can't love her, right ? Well, I can, but I won't. I don't have any more feelings for her but just pure friendship. Friendship ? I HATE friendship ! I HATE THE WORD FRIENDSHIP !!! I HATE IT !!! I HATE IT !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! And I'm the Keeper of it ? FUCK ! I hate myself... I mean it, I hate myself, and I should die... What use am I for the world ? I worry other people, fight with them, hurt them, so I guess... I'm no good. I'm NO good. I'm Nobody. Nobody. Nobody Ishida. Sounds like me, eh ? Yeah... Gotta go now. Sorry, bye.
~Nobody.
Ok, peeps, that was it again ! The next chapter will be up SOOn, so don't panick. And now please review and keep reading these stories ! Thank you very much ! I want 5 more reviews and then I'll get the next chapter on, ok ? So, be good and click on : 'Submit Review' Good ! Thank you ! ^^
-x-x-x- Mari-sama~