A/N: Hey all! It's been a while and even though I have two other stories I could be updating, this little ditty crept into my brain suddenly and I decided to type it out. Reviews are lovely and I hope y'all like it. As usual I don't own a thing from R&I!
There was something so ordinary about that Friday evening. Boston was enveloped in a constant warm breeze and cloudless days. It was hard to believe that such an ordinary night could follow eleven of the most grueling days Detective Jane Rizzoli had ever had to fight her way through. Work was hard; the usual challenge of a seemingly unsolvable case paired with long hours tested her patience. But it was the few short hours of peace each day that pushed her limits the most. Those were the only moments she had to breathe. However, instead of relaxing in these moments she spent them deconstructing her life. Analyzing all the goals she had set in place and the small dreams she had convinced herself she never had. Hopes, fantasies, and dirty little secrets she could no longer shy away from. It wasn't until eleven days later that she had finally come to a shaky conclusion.
"Do you believe in fate? Like, that some things are just meant to be?" The unusually quiet brunette spoke up without breaking the intense staring contest she had going with the bubbles trapped within her bottle of Perrier.
"No. Not really." Doctor Maura Isles settled in beside her best friend and relished the plush decadence of her expensive sofa. After a long day of autopsies, labs, and results, it was closest thing to a warm hug she'd get most nights. She took a deep breath and explained further. "I believe in yes and no, and of course there are the 'is and is-not's'. But as romantic as the notion is, I find it hard to believe in anything being predestined. We make thousands of decisions on a daily basis," she emphasized the enormity of her statement with a flourish of her hands, "and even some of the most trivial ones could change the outcome of tomorrow." So precise and matter of fact in her delivery, Maura washed the end of her thoughts away with a mouthful of red wine.
Jane envied the way her best friend saw the world in black and white. Every day she struggled with the gray in-between that sometimes troubled her but more often than not embraced her like a cozy blanket. The what-ifs were where her imagination was allowed to play and all her questions were answered with vivid scenarios worthy of the most forbidden fantasies.
"Why do you ask?" The silence stretched on for far too long and Maura had started to grow uncomfortable in her friend's obvious melancholy. It wasn't like Jane to blurt out something so abstract and full of feeling without a reason.
"I don't know." Jane fell back into the cushioned furniture, her head remained downcast and the near-empty bottle that spun between two scarred hands. "I mean," she paused to collect the thoughts that scattered like marbles on an uneven surface. How was she supposed to explain that she hasn't slept since she mailed her ring back to Casey? Or the reason why she was smiling as brightly as she was the moment Maura told her that the pregnancy test read positive? That her joy had nothing to do with the man who was the father but the woman holding the results?
"Jane? What is it?" Maura placed her wineglass on the nearby table and turned to face her friend more fully. What she saw took her breath away. The thin material of Jane's yellow T-shirt was stretch taut across her still defined abdomen and there was a rare fear and openness present in her soft brown eyes.
"You're so logical, Maur, I'm afraid I might sound crazy." A deep chuckle did little to calm the nerves that shook just below the surface of Jane's olive skin. Her bare arms were covered in goose bumps and her lips twitched along with her thigh muscles.
"It would have to be an extreme case for me to ever think you've become physiologically compromised, Jane." Maura spoke so casually it actually led Jane to believe that the doctor was sure her best friend would never lose her mind. If only Jane felt the same.
"Sometimes I just feel that no matter what decisions I make or what direction I push my life in, I'm always pulled back towards one path. There's always one constant, one undeniable conclusion to it all." When Jane looked to Maura she saw a familiar flicker of confusion haunt her beautiful hazel eyes, but instead of laughing it off Jane felt frustrated. This wasn't a common joke she was telling or a reference to a classic television show she watched as a child, this was her mind and her heart wreaking havoc on her every day. And she was no better at explaining it to Maura than she was to herself.
"I'm sure your subconscious is pointing you in the direction that would make you happiest." Maura reached out slowly and took the detective's left hand in her own. "After all, you're the only one who knows what's best for you." Maura fought against the pain she felt rising in her throat. The only recurring character and theme in Jane's life was Casey Jones, and she dared to let herself believe that chapter of Jane's life was finally done. She was embarrassed for herself, to believe in such a pipe dream.
"That's not true." Jane's grip grew more firm. "You know what's best for me way before I'm even smart enough to recognize it." She was rewarded by a blush that started at the base of a creamy neck and made its way to the blonde's cheeks. Jane put her bottle down and shifted to her left. She took both of Maura's hands in hers and allowed herself a brief moment to look at her friend, really look at her for the first time in a while.
Maura Isles was always the most beautiful woman in the room, but when she was home, unguarded and relaxed, Jane could hardly contain her awe. The rust colored silk blouse she had been wearing for close to twelve hours still appeared fresh and unwrinkled. Her brown slacks were fitted in a way that highlighted her soft curves and authoritative walk, and her expensive heels were discarded an hour ago and Jane couldn't help but smile at brightly painted toes.
"I thought I knew what I wanted and what I didn't want." Jane spoke barely above a whisper and in the direction of Maura's feet. "You wouldn't believe how bad I really thought I wanted some things."
"Bad-ly." Maura corrected with a tilt of her caramel blond head.
"You can't help yourself, can you?" Jane smiled in spite of herself. She kept her eyes downcast on linked hands and the casual way she found herself tracing the other woman's knuckles.
"I'm sorry. Please, continue."
"I'd go after these things, I'd fight for them, change my life for them, and then suddenly I'm right back where I started. That has to mean something, right?"
Maura schooled her features, forcing herself to hide the pain. She wasn't going to make the same mistake she did in the lab, when she thought about life without her best friend. Too many tears fell that day in the name of unrequited love.
"You believe it means that it's really what you've wanted all along?" Maura's stomach churned when she recalled how happy Jane was when she allowed herself to wear the cheap diamond ring for a day. The feeling of Jane playing with the golden ring that adorned her own middle finger brought her back from the painful memories.
"What if it is?"
"Then you should let yourself be happy."
"What about you?" Jane's eyes finally rose again to look at Maura. "Do you always do what'll make you happy?"
"No." The answer was immediate, wistful. A glimmer of hope sparked deep within a forgotten chamber of Jane Rizzoli's heart.
"Why not?"
"Because the happiness of others matters, too."
"What if," Jane dared to muse aloud, "The happiness of that other person relies solely on you?" Like so many times before in their friendship, Jane found her gaze fixed on plump lips that were poised and ready to answer.
"You know I don't allow myself to think of the what-ifs."
"Does that mean you don't allow yourself to hope?" The detective countered.
"What good would it do? If I stick to logic and reality it'll hurt less in the end." She sounded so defeated, it was as if Maura had already given the best fight she could and lost miserably.
Jane moved closer and slid one arm along the back of the couch. The invitation wasn't missed by the Medical Examiner and she made a quick move to be held closely. In times when she felt vulnerable, hurt, or broken, Jane was the only one who was allowed to hold her. Jane waited for Maura to get comfortable, her head nestled against her shoulder and fragrant hair in her nose, before speaking again.
"Can I tell you something?"
"Anything." Maura thought it was silly that Jane would even ask.
"When you told me I was pregnant I was so happy but for what I thought were the wrong reasons at the time, but now I'm starting to think they were the right reasons all along."
"Jane, you're not making any sense." As badly as Maura wanted to sit up and look at Jane, she wasn't yet ready to relinquish the sinfully comfortable position she found herself in. She needed the sound of Jane's steady heartbeat to calm her jittery nerves. Maura recalled the look of pure joy on Jane's face. She'd never forget it.
"I think I should've been happy because I just found out I was pregnant with Casey's baby, but..." Her voice faded as the blonde stiffened in her arms. "Do you remember what you said to me that day?"
"Of course. I asked if you were ready and you nodded. Then I said, 'Jane, you're pregnant.' And that was it." A familiar lightheaded feeling washed over the doctor as her chest and neck grew warm.
"No, Maura, you said we're pregnant." Jane felt Maura start to move and she tightened her arms around the shorter woman. "I realized today that it was the reason why I was so happy." No matter how tight her grip she couldn't hold back the ME as she bolted upright.
"What do you mean?" Perfectly shaped eyebrows were trying to make their way into a butterscotch hairline.
"It sounded like it was ours, that it could be ours." Two sets of eyes started to well with tears. "I want it to be ours. Not his. I think that's what I've really wanted all along." The last words crackled as they died in the space between them. Jane's voice was so deep with an emotion that was desperately trying to claw its way from her chest.
"Ours?" Maura spoke in a whisper. It felt so good to say but even better for it to be true.
"I mean, I know we skipped a few parts, but yeah. Ours. I can't imagine raising a child with anyone but you." Jane took another risk and brought one hand up to touch a damp cheek. With the pad of her thumb she traced a small laugh-line, the tip of a button nose, and finally smiling lips. "No matter where I go or who I go with, I always come back to you." She leaned in slowly, giving the doctor an adequate amount of time to register what was happening.
"Jane..." Maura let the name get lost in a whisper against soft, thin lips. She closed the distance and kissed the stubborn detective for the first time.
It was a kiss unlike anything either woman had experienced before. In the past where there was roughness there was now a softness. At once when Jane had forced emotions, they now flowed freely into her actions: The way her thin hands buried themselves in perfect honey colored waves and the way she allowed herself to relish in the decadent softness of Maura's lips before increasing the pressure once more. They tasted each other and breathed one another in until their lungs could no longer hold the scent. Maura was the first to pull back, a look of astonishment painting her features.
"You're a wonderful kisser." That fact alone almost confused the ME. How could her fantasies been so far off?
"Don't sound so surprised, jeez." Jane wasn't sure whether to be genuinely offended or incredibly proud of herself.
"No!" Maura's eyes grew wide. "That's not what I meant! I've just never been kissed like that before."
"Like what?" Jane moved closer still until her arms were able to wrap themselves fully around a slim waist.
"With such love." Maura spoke with a small voice, afraid of what implications were being made but speaking only the truth.
"I do love you, Maura Isles, and I don't think that love was ever limited to just friendship." Jane finished her declaration with a small laugh and a signature smirk.
"I love you, too." Maura felt a wave of relief wash over her when she said the words and they were finally heard in the way she had always intended. Just as Jane leaned in for another kiss, a question that was nagging at the back of Maura's mind rushed to the forefront. "What about Casey?"
"I'm not ready to tackle that yet."
"But it is his baby."
"I know." She sighed. It was a fact she wished she could make go away. "I could lie and say it isn't his."
"Jane!" Maura admonished with a slap to the shoulder, even though the idea did sound pleasant.
"Ugh!" Jane threw her head back and her near ebony curls hung loosely over the back of the sofa. "I don't want to worry about that right now. When the time comes we'll handle it. You and me, okay?"
"Okay." Maura entwined their fingers. "How are you feeling?"
"Great." Jane took a deep breath and closed her eyes. She couldn't remember the last time she felt so good. "The morning sickness has been sticking to mornings and my appetite is coming back, thank God!" Her train of thought was halted by the feel of a wonderful weight settling on her lap. When she opened her eyes again she was greeted with the sight of a beautiful Medical Examiner wearing a devious smile. "Hey."
"Hey." Maura wrapped her arms around Jane's neck and delighted in the feel of two hands coming to rest on her hips. "I think we should get some food in you and then maybe later I can find out what else you're wonderful at."
"Mm..." Jane hummed in approval as medically trained hands slid to the exposed skin on her chest. "The sooner the better, before I get fat."
"May I tell you something?" Maura threw the detectives words back at her and dragged her nails along a blushing neck.
"Yessss." Jane hissed in response.
"I find pregnant women to be incredibly beautiful and sexy. I think you will be stunning, almost more so than you already are." Maura leaned in to continue in a whisper, "Your breasts will become fuller and more sensitive due to the increase of estrogen and progesterone. Your nipples will become more dark-"
"Dr. Isles?"
"Yes, Jane?" Maura sat back.
"Enough of your twisted version of dirty talk and kiss me." Jane slid a slender index finger between the buttons on Maura's blouse and gave a tug.
"Anything you want, Detective." Maura purred as she latched her mouth onto Jane's once again. She moved from a slow exploration to a thorough indulgence of taste and sensation. Jane Rizzoli's mouth was a marvel she was determined to memorize inside and out. A deep rumble broke the women apart.
"Baby wants food." Jane laughed.
"Jane wants food, baby will just benefit. Oh!" Maura leapt from Jane's lap and clapped enthusiastically. "I have a new kale recipe that will pack the optimal amount of nutrients necessary for your stage of pregnancy!" The brilliant woman was already in the kitchen collecting ingredients.
"Great." Jane huffed. "Can't I just have tacos? I'm really craving tacos." She rubbed her flat stomach.
"If this is our baby that means I have a say in the pregnancy. No tacos. This baby will be fed properly." The look that was shot back in Maura's direction broke the good intentioned woman's heart. It was as if she told a five year old Jane that her pet goldfish had died. "Fine. On weekends you can eat whatever you and the little one wants."
"Yay!" Jane cheered with a bright, open mouthed smile. "You hear that?" She dropped her head to talk to her nonexistent baby bump. "Mommy's gonna let us party on the weekends!" When Jane looked up again she saw Maura frozen in place with tears shimmering in her eyes.
"Mommy?" The blonde managed through a tight throat.
"Well, yeah. Or some variation." Jane walked forward and took the shorter woman in her arms.
"I imagined but I had never allowed myself to think we'd ever get here."
"I know, me either. But here we are, expecting. It won't be easy, especially when Casey comes back, but it's us. And him or her." She brought Maura's hand down to rest on her lower abdomen. "Are you sure you're ready for this?" She asked as insecurity got the best of her. It was sudden and rushed and those were two things Maura Isles didn't do very well.
"I've been ready for years now. I've just been waiting on you." Maura brought a soft hand up to the taller woman's cheek and let herself drown in all the love she saw deep within brown eyes.
"I'm here now, ready to make up for lost time." Jane leaned in and gave Maura a peck on her pouty lips. "Starting tonight."
"Remember you said that." Maura slipped from Jane's grasp and went back to preparing their meal. "I have incredible stamina."
"I bet you do Doctor, I bet you do." Jane smiled as she watched the one person she loved more than anything tear at leafy greens. All this time she was right there. For years the love of her life was standing right before her, forcing some ungodly food into her mouth, and the astute detective never realized, or allowed herself to accept, just how significant that woman was. From that moment forward Jane Rizzoli vowed to never be that blind, or stubborn, ever again.