'Thank you for your help.' I smiled and bowed to Zeno, the head of that institution whom had saved my life after Chrollo had attacked me; he told me the story. They agreed to fund me – they offered so themselves after the funerals were over – because I was most probably going to be a crucial part in taking Chrollo down in the future. I don't mind being "employed" if it's for that.

When this future was gonna be, they could not estimate. It could be in half a year, it could be in ten. I'd hoped that a large institution such as this one would have been able to do a better job at guessing… I don't know how I'm supposed to live in the meantime…

Because to be honest, at this point it hurts to think about taking out Chrollo. Even though all his love and attention had been fake, I still felt all of it myself for him, and he's the last person living with whom I've felt that. That non-existent relationship had been real for me, and that non-existent person still holds my heart. Honestly, it scares me to say that it's going to be hard staying away from him.

I need help.

Chrollo and my family held dominance over all of my emotions, and both their partings hurt – thus hurt is all that I have left in my heart. To think I'm going to be going home to an empty house after school each and every day for probably years to come… I can't take that. So even though I would've requested somewhere else, they made sure I got the house next to Hisoka's and took care of everything. I'm not going to complain – I have no money whatsoever because I can't get to the family fortune, and I'll take what I can get. They said Hisoka is not home very often anyway, and even though he comes off as dangerous, he follows a certain set of rules he set up himself, and after working with him for a while, Zeno can deduct that he's not going to harm me. Apparently Illumi and Chrollo are too interesting to him, and because I'm connected to that, I'm in zero danger.

Even less than that, because he's more likely to protect me for a game he's playing and he's adept in what he does. So I believe me being housed next to him mostly has to do with a kind of protection.

Also, they said I could bother him anytime I'd need company or advice. Although I don't really think someone who actually loved working with Chrollo will do me much good, he's aware of the situation and at least I won't have to keep on guard with what I do or don't say.

'You can take the keys with you right away, but I recommend you sleep here for the night. We have a sleep room for employees, I'll keep it free for and lock it behind you.'

'Thank you, but no, I really need to… go.' I was feeling a bit dizzy, but I really didn't want to be anywhere near any of these people – employee or patient. This place was filled with killers. After everything that's happened, I want to be far away from that.

'You're forcing yourself too much.' He grumbled, loosely folding his hands on his desk, 'To an extent I can understand how it works with you – you push down your problems in order to either live or reach your goal, am I right?' I held my head for a second to counter the vertigo before I nodded him to continue. I've always lived this way – except for brief moments here and there - and right now there was no other choice left. 'Push it down far enough and you lose who you are. Technically you'll be alive, but I don't think you'll feel like that anymore. In time I recommend you allow yourself to feel the pain. We will pay for your professional help, but we'll give you a session with one of our own once a month as well. There's a distinct difference in the kind of counseling people need who've killed and people who haven't. But most importantly there's a distinct difference between what people go through who've lost a family member to murder, and being psychologically mangled by someone like Chrollo Lucilfer. Do you accept this help?'

'You really need me, don't you.' They're offering so much.

'Although Hisoka may give a strange impression, this institution was founded to genuinely analyze and help people like you. The only reason you'll not be here full-time is because you'd be too close to the object of your torture.' Somehow, somewhere, I could sense that he meant what he was saying, but my heart wouldn't believe it. I don't think I can believe anything anyone tells me at this point.

So I just smiled,

'Thank you for the help, then. But I'd appreciate it if you could drive me to my new home.' There was a moment of silence. I could tell that he wanted to keep me here anyway. If that's the case, I must really be doing a bad job in trying to keep myself together.

Well, fair's fair, I have no idea how I'm standing up in the first place.

'I'm sending one of my employees to live with you for the first month.' I blinked at him, hearing that,

'Really? You're allowed to demand such a thing of them?' It sounded too ridiculous to hear.

'It will be off the records, the rest is not of your concern. And what I think is that it's better for you to be able to talk and argue with someone and break down and cry or get mad, than it is to sit home alone and feel all the emptiness Chrollo probably wanted you to feel in which you'll lose yourself. You may think it's cruel not giving you your freedom, or putting you next to Hisoka, but his specialty is reaching the painful core of your problem; that's not a luxury for you at this point, it's a necessity.' But I don't… I don't want someone else… I don't want to replace…

'I can tell you're confused. But believe me, there's no reason to punish yourself, and we're not letting you fall into a serious mental illness just because you can't handle the situation right now – you see what it's done to Illumi and Chrollo, you know it's possible you become like that. Use that as motivation. And on top of that I'm giving you one piece of advice before I see you to a driver.' He stood up and walked around the desk, stopping a couple feet away from me, 'You will not look at Chrollo and Illumi as separate anymore, or it will be impossible to separate yourself from the first. Whenever you think of him, think of Illumi as well, and you will remember the world they live in and how they really are. Is that understood?' It was hard to say no to him at this point for some reason, so I nodded again. He gave me a thankful nod and a smile back before leading the way out the door.

I don't know anything anymore.

With a lot of trouble I'd been able to bury my family, but to me they're not gone. I still see them everywhere I go. I have to admit, somewhere I'd hoped to permanently see them if I'd be in that empty house for long enough, but Zeno just put a cruel stop to that…

Reality is too hard, and I want it to end.

It doesn't even matter how long it takes to take down Chrollo, does it.

If it takes a week, I'll be alone.

If it takes ten years, I'll be alone.

Because I won't be able to trust anyone, whether he's there or not.

That's still about seventy to eighty years of life left.

That's living 5/6th of my life on my own.

I can't do that…

I need an illusion for that…

'This one seems like quite the basket case, are you sure you're not keeping him?' Outside of the office we were greeted by Hisoka, unfortunately. I let out a small breath, but it was Zeno who answered,

'The sooner you can get Illumi here, the sooner you won't have to deal with Kurapika anymore, Hisoka. Considering your success up until now, it may take a while though.' I heard an undignified huff from the redhead's side before he casually started walking after us,

'What makes you say I would dislike the proximity. It's actually fascinating to have someone destroyed by Chrollo so close to me.'

'Am I that interesting to you?' I spoke up a bit louder than intended,

'Actually you wouldn't qualify as a patient of mine, do you know why?'

'Why? Because you enjoy killing or torturing more than actually helping people?' I sneered at him,

'Because you're too easy to read.' Zeno grabbed my wrist and pulled me back beside him before I could start a fight,

'You can do that all you want once you're home. He merely didn't like being reminded that his prize eludes him.'

'You're a cruel man, Zeno.' I heard the slightly insulted words behind me, trying to compose myself again, 'I think me and Kurapika will get along just fine. It's more interesting than to get a dog.' When I stopped to turn around and hit him again, Zeno didn't stop me. That actually caught me off-guard and made me stop. I was left staring up at Hisoka for a weird second. 'Your vertigo is gone, isn't it? See, you're easy. All I had to do was redirect your focus a little.' I'm convinced that he let himself be hit against the jaw after that, but I had to do it because I couldn't counter his words.

'Save it for when you get home, you two. Hisoka, you're driving him, you have no cases left for the day anyway.'

'Understood.' Hisoka gave me a scary look when he turned his head back to me. A kind of playful malice exuding from him. I'm interesting to him because I'm a key to destroying Chrollo, right? Thank god it's just that…

'You're a psycho, how are you not a patient?' I raised my voice a bit more again,

'Well, who better to understand them?' I turned my head to Zeno for an explanation to the lunacy of letting someone like him in people's minds, but he just shook his head. How is this place even real…

'Don't worry, if it shows you're regressing we'll pull you out.'

'Gee, thanks.'

'We can't apologize enough for not catching him sooner and prevent this, but you will be cooperative, do you understand?' I nodded at him, turning back to Hisoka when he started walking again.

'Don't worry, you're in the hands of the top psychologist.' He raised one of his hands in demonstration, snaking his fingers a little. A shiver went up and down my spine watching him do that.

'That's still Pariston, Hisoka.'

'He'll move on to work somewhere else very soon…' They kept talking like that all the way outside, but I zoned out in the meantime. It was too much, I couldn't take any change, I just didn't know how. I am alone, and this is a truth I will be forced to live with from now on.

How can anyone live with-

I was stopped in that thought when Hisoka turned back around to me, and gave me a look that spelled he knew exactly what was going through me. At the same time I felt violated and understood, so I chose to look away.

'Well, if you can learn to trust me to an extent, you'll be able to discern truth from lie in no time and make new contacts if you so please. I don't understand why that's so hard to understand.'

'… …' He was constantly mocking me, but I didn't have the energy to counter. I guess I'll focus on dealing with him for now, we'll see what happens after.

'Let's just get going before it gets dark and you get murderous tendencies again.' His grin grew wider before Zeno gave me his goodbyes and good lucks. You must be really sure of how Hisoka works that you're letting him near me.

'I think I'm starting to like you.'

'You only "like" me because you can get to Chrollo because of it.'

'Illumi.'

'Whatever.' He let out a soft laugh before getting in the car.

I can't believe I'm saying this, but…

At the very least I won't be completely alone.

A/N

Poor Kurapika having to go and deal with Hisoka after all this...

But I wholeheartedly agree with Zeno on this. Any company is better than no company at this point. (PL readers, I'm putting Nobunaga to live with him for now to give him a relatively sane person. Kurapika deserves a sane person after all this xD)

And to clarify, Zeno does know about Hisoka's side jobs, and no he is not aware of Hisoka and Chrollo's cooperation. He doesn't know that it was Hisoka who displayed Kurapika's family. It's one of the only things Hisoka has been able to keep secret from Zeno.

But yeah, this is it ;_;
This is the point I wanted to reach with Kurapika. I could write about his struggles up until the point where it meets PL completely, but I feel like I've painted a clear enough picture to bridge that, and it would feel like filler - after all, this story was specifically meant as Chrollo/Kurapika's past, not specifically Kurapika's.

I'm gonna miss you, but I'll go back to Fox on the Run now - I have gotten funding for a new psychologist, it's helping immensely - so look forward to updates again next week \o/

(and of course I'm not gonna stop writing kurokura, for some odd reason they're too interesting to me not to write about them)
(I just don't know when xD)

I am now hugging you all, just so you know - I have gadget arms - and you're not going anywhere