The Bitter Taste of Envy

Summary: Rachel felt disgusted with herself whenever that green envy rises within her when her eyes stray towards Kurt and Blaine. But then that envy turns bitterer when she sees the response the others give to him. It wasn't fair. They never treated Jesse like that.

Timeline: around Blaine's transfer to McKinley – and the days that follow.

6:38 PM (4/21/14)

Rachel knew that she was stretching her show face with Blaine around. She had smiled brightly and welcomed him to McKinley and New Directions.

It wasn't that she hated the ex-Warbler. In fact he was one of the few members of the Show Choir circuit that she respected. She respected his talent, his ability to lead the Warblers, and his passion in performing. It was more because of his relationship with her best gay, Kurt, that she didn't feel exactly at ease with him.

She wasn't jealous of him or Kurt. That little make-out session and duet in her basement was something that sparked a thought into her. That thought turned into a date that confirmed his sexuality (and her own theory). She had thought that by going out with Blaine, she'd be over him – all those thoughts that haunted her: his voice, his laugh, his everything. Her theory that she was attracted to him because of his talent and the way their voice melted with each other in perfect harmony had been dashed.

Blaine had talent, she could proudly say that. Blaine's voice harmonized with her own in a way that she hadn't heard in months. Blaine's curls were much cuter. He was perfect – a gentleman, a fine leader, a talented performer – but he just wasn't… what she was looking for. He couldn't give her the epic romance she wished for. He was perfect for Kurt.

So, she wasn't jealous of them because Kurt got Blaine. No, they both parted ways in good terms. She had even found something akin to sibling-love with him. He was like the twin that she never really knew about.

But then he transferred to Hellmouth (McKinley) for Kurt.

That was part of the reason why she would always put on her show face in front of him. She knew that if she didn't, he would see the bitterness in her eyes. She remembered when he first came into the Glee Clubroom not wearing his usual Dalton Blazer. She knew immediately, he transferred for Kurt.

She wanted to lash out when her mind transfers to a time when it was a young man with his curls gelled back stood there and declared that he transferred for her.

("Because when you love something, you've got to go for it. You'd never be with me completely if I was on the opposing team and I care about you more than winning another national title. So I left Vocal Adrenaline… for you." She could hear his voice clear as day.)

When Blaine transferred, she expected the same courtesy that the rest of her teammates gave him. But there were no ultimatums, no yells of spy, and none of Brittany's 'Mr. Schue's son' comments. And yes, she did expect the latter. They had all seen the ex-Warbler without his gel and his curls reminded her so much of him.

She felt bitter, she admits that, when no one seemed to be bothered by Blaine's sudden transfer
(except for Finn who showed some homophobic reaction to the younger singer). She wanted to yell at them, ask them why no one was pointing fingers, giving ultimatums for Kurt, or classifying Blaine as a spy.

She didn't want to say it outloud, but she knew deep inside that she felt a deep resentment to everyone in New Directions – Kurt and Blaine especially. She knew that they never did anything wrong, not to her. But whenever she looks at them and the reception that the young man receives from the others (excluding Santana), all she could think of was: they never treated Jesse like that.

And afterwards, her mind would wander what would happen if they welcomed Jesse with open arms. She knew that the biggest part of Jesse was the Jesse St. James, Vocal Adrenaline's star. But she had seen Jesse and she knew that if ND had welcomed him, shown him what he missed in VA, he wouldn't have left, he would've fought against Shelby's wish to leave.

It was all speculation but she always felt deep within that such a thing would happen if the circumstance was correct.

Again, she took a deep breath and tried to wipe such thoughts. But as her eyes strayed towards the couple being lovey-dovey, her mind reeled back to a time when she and Jesse were a lovey-dovey couple being all touchy-feely.

Blaine knew something was up.

He didn't know exactly what, but he knew that Rachel was troubled by something. He had always seen Rachel as the older, diva sister he never had. She was nice, very welcoming and accepting. He recalled their one-time date when he had proclaimed that he was 100% gay after kissing her. She wasn't really offended. She had grown to be a good friend – an older sister. But he didn't understand why she seemed to be avoiding him nowadays.

He thought back to what he did the earlier days – what could he possibly do to warrant Rachel evading him? He tried asking his boyfriend about their mutual best girl friend, but he had shrugged and told him he didn't know.

So, when he tried to confront her earlier that morning about it – and failed, he knew that he had to try desperate measures. She had avoided him for days now, smiling and greeting him with a 'hi' or 'how are you' when needed before dashing off with some lame excuse.

He had cornered her before lunch, told her that Kurt needed her help on something (he forgot his excuse) and to meet him in the Auditorium after Glee. Kurt had agreed to pose as his alibi – affirming the hoax if ever Rachel comes to ask him regarding what he said.

He sat in the front of April Rhodes Theatre, waiting for her to come. He didn't have to wait for long, Rachel soon entered with even strides and called out for Kurt. He was already prepared for when she saw him and try to flee. His hand flew to catch her wrist

"Rachel." His voice was calm, even, as she try to break free. "Please, I just want to talk to you."

She seemed to hesitate for a moment, unsure about the prospect of a talk but he didn't let go of her. He only looked at her intently, trying to give off that vibe – the twin vibe that Santana had teased (mocked) about the two of them – and convey the message he wanted to say.

He had the both of them sit down on the edge of the stage, his hand holding hers.

"All right." She said, ever reluctant. "But you better say it fast. I-I have something to do after this."

"Why are you avoiding me? Did I do something wrong?" Blaine wasn't usually a straight-shooter but he needed to know. He was getting agitated by the minute. Rachel was his twin and the fact that she kept avoiding him was starting to be worrying.

Rachel took a deep breath. "Look, it's not you."

He cut her off before she could finish with a small laugh. "Please, Rachel, if you're going to use the 'it's not you, it's me line', stop." He said. "It's too cliché… and that's practically a break-up line, just so you know."

He felt the knot in his heart untangle for a bit when she laughed. "No. Really, though. It's not your fault. I'm partially at fault, but it's… it's mostly the others."

"What?" He furrowed his brows, thinking back to what the others did that could warrant her avoiding him like a plague.

"Look it's – just, forget it, okay?" She looked at him reproachfully and she stood. "It's just… me being a drama queen. I'm sorry if I" – bites her lip. "I offended you with my actions. I promise I'd be better. Let's just forget about it, mm'kay?" He knew she was about to leave, that was why he intercepted her.

"Rache, come on, have you forgotten what Santana said, we're twins in another life and I know that you're lying. I want to know what's bothering you. I need to know what's bothering my sister."

That seemed to do it. He watched her face constrict, the first class Ohio-known show face of hers shattered and she looked down, trying to avoid his gaze. He reached for her chin and raised her face to meet his eyes. He was quite surprised to see the moistness in her eyes.

"Rach?"

"It's not fair." She muttered, wiping her eyes.

"What is?" He looked at her with worried eyes.

"This, you, everyone." She tried to mute her sniffles, looking away from him.

"I don't understand." He really didn't. "Can you start at the beginning… why were you avoiding me? Why was it yours and everyone's fault?"

She bit her lower lip, probably deciding whether to say anything. He took her hands and whispered, "Trust me. I won't judge you."

She took a deep breath. "You won't judge me? No matter what?"

"I promise."

"I meant what I said earlier. It's not your fault." She looked up to meet his eyes and smiled a small melancholic smile. "I was being selfish, disgustingly selfish. But I blame the others too. You're just collateral damage." He couldn't understand what she was saying, what she meant. She was jumping the story and he was having a hard time following. "It's because of… an ex." She seemed to be unsure of the word, as if saying it was a taboo. "It was a nasty… break-up." That seemed to answer the reluctance to say his name. "He was from a rival show choir, and he transferred to McKinley… for me."

And everything suddenly sunk in. "Oh my god! I'm sorry. I didn't mean to, uh, make you relive…" but she cut him off.

"Look, I already said that it's not your fault." She said. "I'm just being… selfish… bitter." She took a deep breath. "It's just… the others – they weren't very welcoming to him." To his utter surprise, she gave off a bitter laugh. "And that's putting it lightly. They called him a spy. They kept on going on about it, saying things about he's only there – with me, because he wanted to spy on us." Her voice broke and he gave her a one-armed hug, understanding the hidden meaning in her words.

"They're wrong." He whispered to her. "Anyone would be lucky to be with you."

She gave a small smile, leaning on his shoulders. "That's not what they think." She shook her head. "Anyway, he transferred school for me. It was the sweetest thing – he was royalty from where he came from and he became a commoner here for me. I know he did it for me, despite what the others say."

"I get it." He told her. "I really get it. So, you're avoiding me because the others welcomed me when they didn't do the same to your ex."

Tears broke down her eyes. "It's childish and immature. I am disgusted with myself – believe me, I am. But it's just so hard. I know that given the chance, if the others had just treated him right, welcomed him to our family, he would never have left the way he did."

"Shh, it's okay." He kissed the top of her head. "I told you, I get it. I'm not mad. I think that you're actions are justified."

"Yeah?" She looked up at him, hope in her eyes, seeking reassurance.

"It is." He said. Again, he felt that connection with his twin in another life being reconnected. He smiled at that.

They stayed like that for a while, holding each other and in another's eyes, it would've been romantic but they both knew it was a hug from sister-to-brother.

"So, that nasty break-up with your ex, can I ask you about it?" He watched her interlace their fingers.

"He egged me." He froze in shock and horror.

"What?" He whispered, looking at her moist eyes. "B-but you're a vegan."

"Exactly." She shook her head. "It's competition. He left McKinley to return to his old school and he publicly dumped me… right after egging me."

And comprehension dawned in his eyes.

"But I, I hate him." She said. "I really do. He broke me – killed me, even. But at the same time, I still love him." That caused him to look at her with wide eyes that conveyed his shock. "I know that I shouldn't. The others would say that I'm being stupid, loving him after all that he did. But I do and I tried so hard to stop it, I did. I tried working it with Finn but every time I compare Finn and I to… us. And it would always fall a dozen mile short.

"I know that I wasn't innocent with our fall out."

"What do you mean?" He was curious.

"I – uh, I triple-casted him with Finn and Noah." She looked down, embarrassment clear on her face. He couldn't help but let out a laugh at that. "It's not – I was just, I was tired… so tired of the teasing and the way people look down at me. I wanted to… I don't know, be accepted…"

"Hey, come on, Rache, you are accepted. I accept you. Kurt accepts you." He told her with a smile.

She muttered something he couldn't hear but he thought it could have been, 'not back then'.

"Ah, hey, I have to go. I forgot that I had to talk to a family member about an emergency." He said, jumping down from the stage. "We're okay, right?"

"Yeah." She gave him a small smile. "We are."

"Hey, just call me if you need someone to talk to." He held her hands one last time. "I'll always be here and I won't judge you." Because from their twin connection, he realized that that was what she was mostly worried about – people judging her.

"Thanks, Blaine." She reached to pat his cheeks.

He left her there, looking at the seats with a faraway look, and then she broke into a song. Hello by Lionel Richie, he realized. Immediately, he left, feeling like he was intruding in such a private thing. He was out in the empty parking lot when he fished out his phone and called out his cousin – it was a family emergency call, so he wasn't exactly lying to Rachel.

He waited one, two, and three rings before the call connected.

"Hello?"

Blaine couldn't help but let out a small smile at the sound of his cousin's groggy voice. Usually, he'd tease him about it, but he had more pressing matters to tackle to. "Well, hello to you to." He drawled. "Why didn't you tell me the ex you left broken – that left you broken was Rachel Berry, eh, Jesse?"

So, I'm done. Whoa! I was just supposed to do a drabble. I'm sorry.

Anyway, I was busy and inspired (and insomniac) when I had tackled this. I listened to Taylor Swift's tragic love songs and The Script (Breakeven and The Man who Can't be Moved) and Get it Right (Rachel). I just love AnderBerry!Sibling love (and Blainchel!Amour) but St. Berry will always rule my heart.

It's 2:27 AM at 4/23/14 and I really am an insomniac. I'll probably be awake by 3 PM tomorrow (or later) and will continue my lifestyle of Criminal Minds marathon and Glee playlist. I hope I get another inspiration. Review and maybe I will have Blaine matchmake his cousin and his twin that never was. I'm sure the others would ride along – who can not like St. Berry?

Adieu, my fair readers.