For my aunt and all her struggles in life

Bleary eyed, Elena slammed off the alarm clock and turned away to face the wall, wrapping the sheets around her. She was due in at the office at eight, but felt neither the motivation nor the will to go to work today. She had been feeling like that a lot over the last couple of weeks and though she could put it down to many causes, it was her own unprofessionalism and childish personality that made her incapable of getting over the status quo.

It was nothing short of a miracle that she was able to drag herself out of bed these days, not to mention her lack of enthusiasm was gaining her comments from her colleagues. Reno to be more precise was sly about them. The comments recently from Tseng though, cut her even more. Even Rufus was asking her these days if she was okay.

Toying with the idea of calling in sick, Elena eventually gave up with a sigh and brought her aching body out of bed and into the shower. As she rinsed shampoo through her hair, she thought of her sister and inwardly cringed of what Rosalind would think of her state right now. She could even imagine Roz looming over her body with a disgusted sneer on her face.

Pushing the thought away, she finished cleaning her body, wrapped a towel around her middle and stared at herself in the mirror. Steam blurred the reflection and as she wiped it away and really took a critical look at herself, she grimaced. It was no wonder why she was receiving comments. Skin too sallow, accentuated cheek bones and dark circles under her eyes. She looked like she hadn't slept in weeks even though she was tired all the time.

Upset with the image, she looked away and prepared herself for another gloomy day hiding her feelings.

Arriving at the W.R.O. headquarters, Elena took a minute to peel off her glasses and enjoy the view of the construction of Neo-Midgar. Things were coming along nicely and the general atmosphere was that of cleanliness since Shin-Ra had switched to renewable and alternative forms of energy disposal. Barret Wallace's business in mining oil fields had made him a wealthy and influential man and along with Rufus had joined together with the production and use of coal and fossil fuels.

Reeve himself had focused on solar and wind energy in places outside Midgar and there was a sense of everlasting peace. And to think nothing short of eight years ago was Meteor fall and then the fiasco with Deepground.

Swiping her ID all the way to the upper floors of the W.R.O. headquarters in Neo- Midgar, Elena entered the office Reeve had designated to the Turks and gave Rude a polite hello which he acknowledged with a nod. Sitting down at her sparse computer desk, Elena began working on her report, ignoring the peculiar stare that Rude was sending her way.

The typing continued until Rude decided to break the eerie silence.

"Tseng wanted to see you in his office as soon as you came in. Did you forget?"

Elena stopped abruptly and spared him a look. She had indeed forgotten, so unlike her, but what was embarrassing about it was that she didn't remember why. Saving her report and stopping what she was doing, she gave Rude a weak smile.

"Thanks for reminding me."

With a nervous habit she loosely clenched and unclenched her fingers before heading towards the closed door of the back room and giving it a loud knock before entering.

Tseng looked up at her behind his large mahogany desk.

"You wanted to see me Sir?"

"Yes. Come and sit."

Meekly she did so. There were many reasons for this. Fear, embarrassment, awkwardness. As if his calculating eyes might unravel her secrets then and there and throw her into complete and utter disarray.

"You don't look well," he commented.

Elena looked down at her hands uncomfortably no doubt giving it away that there was something wrong with her. She would have to tell him eventually. A secret of this magnitude couldn't be hidden forever and even though she could use her bodily autonomy against him, he still had a right to know. This was Tseng after all.

"I'm just a little under the weather. It's nothing to be too concerned about." She tried to smile, but he didn't buy it.

"Reno said you fainted the other day." It took a lot of self-control not to clench her fists or grit her teeth. That traitor! He promised not to say anything. It didn't matter now; she needed to come up with an excuse.

"Like I said, I haven't been feeling too well, but I am getting better now really."

Tseng looked at her in disbelief. However Elena was wondering why he called her into his office for something as trivial as this. Didn't he have more important things to do then question the slight health decrease of his subordinate?

"Elena," Tseng began, but she cut him off. She was tired of all the concern, all the whispers and looks. Couldn't they leave her alone and not speculate on her personal problems?

"Look Tseng, really there is nothing to be concerned about. Yes I haven't been feeling well and yes I did faint. Not that I have to tell you this, but I already visited the doctor and it is just a minor flu. I think Reno is overreacting and while I appreciate your apprehension, it is unwarranted. Surely you have better things to attend to."

Tseng was slightly taken aback. It was rude and a bit out of character for her, but she had to say it.

It didn't take him long to compose himself though and he cleared his throat to continue with what he wanted to say.

"I understand that, but if this is about that mission in Wutai…"

At that, she stood up becoming angrier by the minute.

"I am not so weak and childish as to let that affect my work and conduct. You made your point very clear that night and I understand the rules just as well as you. It was a mistake and unprofessional and I am happy to leave it at that, but don't think for a minute I am letting it consume me."

That had to be the biggest fib of the century, but she was hardly going to admit to her boss that his dismissal of a one night stand on professional relationship grounds had hurt her more than he could ever know.

Tseng frowned, but made no challenge to her statement.

"Alright Elena. Please understand it is also my duty to look after your wellbeing. If you need some time off to rest or need to talk about anything I am here though." While such a gesture would have been appreciated at any other moment, Elena felt too sick and in too much of a foul mood to appreciate it.

"May I go?"

He gestured to the door. However as she left, she could feel his eyes burning into the back of her jacket.

Rude raised an eyebrow as she left the office, but she felt too nauseated to return to her chair or make small talk with him. Instead, she left and when she was out of site from the office, she sped down the corridor to the women's restroom.

She barely made it to the toilet before she hurled up the contents of her stomach and gagged several moments after on her own bile. She sat on the ground several moments thereafter and tried to keep herself from crying.

Gaia, what was she doing? She was a Turk of all things. She needed to pull herself together. Flushing the toilet, she headed to the sink and began to wash out her mouth. The tests had been positive, but she still needed to make an appointment to be sure. Then she could really evaluate her options and decide what she wanted to do.

She knew she was procrastinating and she knew if she continued to procrastinate this problem would explode into astronomical proportions and she would splatter. Running her fingers through her blonde hair, Elena looked at her sorry expression gravely and decided she would be smart about it. She wasn't a stupid teenage girl. She was a grown woman with a high education, a high management job and good prospects.

She wasn't going to let this consume her.

But how was she supposed to tackle it?

Her PHS rang and she saw a text message from Rude. Grimacing she opened it up to see even he wasn't oblivious to her problems.

"Are you okay?"

No. She was not okay, but she had to continue the dance did she not?

"I'm fine. Please tell Tseng I am not feeling well and cover for me."

With that done and said, she left the restroom and decided to head back to her car. Never mind the fact that she had just walked out of work without approval from the boss, but then again he had been the one to offer some days off should she need it.

As she waited patiently in the elevator she wondered what her discipline would have been had Veld still been in charge. She supposed his no nonsense attitude would have earned her a sharp reprimand and a forced leave. Tseng was lenient with her, but she suspected it had a lot more to do with guilt.

Jumping into her car and ignoring the ringing phone, Elena headed back home to think, to get some closure and to rest.

"Boss what was that about?" Rude questioned a little disturbed at the turn of events. Sure he had noticed Elena had been sullen over the last couple of weeks and had even gone quite pale, but for her to leave abruptly after a private meeting with Tseng was so unlike her, it left him dumbfounded.

Tseng spared him an unemotional look and fingered the pen in his hands.

"I have no idea myself. I'll talk to her later tonight. All I did was inquire about her health and ask if she needed a few days off. Reno told me she fainted while on duty a few days past."

The explanation made sense, but did not explain Elena's strange behaviour. Was there something he wasn't reading between the lines? Perhaps he should find out.

Looking at his red headed partner, he supposed it couldn't hurt to enlist a little help.

Elena decided to take the next day off and nip the situation in the bud. She had been thinking about what to do all night and decided she would hear the dreadful news from a health professional before she somehow mustered up the courage to tell Tseng and see what he thought.

Dressed casually in some jeans and a white t-shirt, Elena slipped on some sun glasses and headed down to a local women's health clinic in Edge. She had almost free access to Shinra's finest doctors, but she didn't want Tseng or any of her colleagues finding out about her condition before she knew what she wanted to do.

Parking the car, she sat in the parking lot for several moments, hands on the wheel and taking deep breaths. For a woman who was trained to kill, this fear was utterly preposterous, but she couldn't help it. Stepping out, she kept her head low, ignoring the protestors outside the clinic and headed inside.

It was the waiting that really got to her and despite the women and children in the room; all she could focus on was the sound of the clock ticking. When she couldn't bear to look at the clock, she looked at the expectant mothers with their young offspring and couldn't help, but frown.

It only served to bring about negative thoughts. Elena didn't consider herself to be a maternal figure and the thought of raising a child now frightened her. They were nothing but dirty diapers and responsibility.

Sleepless nights, tantrums and fights and you suddenly turned into an atm machine.

But what made it worse was the fact that she was a Turk and so was Tseng. Veld had once said prized possessions like family members were tools for enemy misfortunes if one knew how to use them. That was why most of the Turks didn't have families. Didn't have children.

Veld seemed to have been that exception, but it had cost him dearly in the end. The life of a Turk had required the sacrifice of his family albeit unintentionally. Did she want to suffer the same fate?

"Rosalind Sinclair?" Elena stood up as her alias name was called. She didn't know why out of all the names she picked, she chose her sister's.

Walking in to the doctor's office was a slow process. Each footstep felt heavy, but she had to sit next to the doctor's desk eventually. While Doctor Alyssa was a stern looking woman, she still offered Elena a small smile.

"Ah, you're back. I have your results. Are you ready for them?"

Elena nodded, her hands clutching the course fabric at the knees of her jeans.

"According to the HCG levels, you are definitely pregnant, but I would like to do a trans-vaginal ultrasound to be sure of how far along you are."

Dimly Elena nodded. Doctor Alyssa handed her a hospital gown to change into and gave her some privacy.

She was pregnant.

And yet it didn't seem real.

When she emerged from behind the curtains, the doctor beckoned her to lie back on the chair with her legs apart. A cloth was placed over her thighs for the sake of dignity and Elena took a deep breath as she felt the cold apparatus enter her body.

"See that? That is the amniotic sack….."

The doctor's voice drifted away as Elena focused on the image. She didn't really feel a personal connection to it. After all, it was just a clump of cells. Yet it was still painful to look at it. It only reminded her of a life she had chosen not to live.

"You are about nine weeks pregnant."

Alyssa removed the apparatus, but did not spare her patient congratulations. It was obvious to her that the woman was not happy about it.

When she was cleaned up, the doctor gave her an information packet, lists of midwives she could see or alternative decisions.

As Elena went back to her car, she looked at the alternatives and noticed the same doctor besides obstetric care, provided abortions. Tucking it away in the glove box, Elena started the car and headed home.

For a long time, she sat at the dining table picking at her microwave meal and swirling around the vegetables. She was robbed of all appetite and she wasn't sure if it was because she was pregnant or devastated. Pushing the food away, she rested her chin on her hand. Now it was time to assess the situation.

I can't become a mother. That much was clear.

She couldn't raise a child. She had no maternal instincts or experience with children whatsoever. Her sister probably would have done a better job since her sister raised her, but that was it.

And it wasn't just her own incapability. It was her job to consider. The type of work she was in.

She was a Turk. Her job was demanding. Being pregnant, she could hardly do most of the work her job required and much less if she had a child. Who would raise it while she returned to active duty? Tseng?

Oh yes, there was him to consider. He couldn't raise a child either. He was the director of the Turks.

But even before that, what was she supposed to tell him?

What if he told her to keep it?

What if he told her to get rid of it?

What if he wrote it off as Elena's problem altogether?

This was Tseng. He was unpredictable and for the life of her, Elena could not contemplate what sort of reaction he would have.

For the first time in a long time, she let that tough Turk façade drop and let a few tears escape her eyes.

Elena called in sick the next day much to Tseng's chagrin that he decided at the end of the day to pay her a visit.

Reno came to his office after lunch time, looking a little grim.

"Hey boss, I don't think everything is right with Elena."

Tseng gave Reno a deadpan look for stating the obvious. Reno continued.

"Well she left two days ago after leaving your office. Rude was worried about her so I kind of followed her around the next day…"

He paused waiting for Tseng's reaction. He didn't look visibly angry, just mildly curious.

"Well anyway, she drove herself to this weird women's clinic. It wasn't a general practice that deals with things like immunizations, but also with cancers and all sorts of women's problems."

Tseng clutched his pen tighter as he considered this.

Cancer?

Elena spent another day curled up in a blanket in front of the TV. She had a long bath to calm her nerves before retreating to the couch to spend another mindless day of doing absolutely nothing.

Was she still waiting for all this to sink in? Was that what it was?

Resting her head back, she closed her eyes and unconsciously put her hand on her belly when a sharp rap on her apartment door brought her to her senses. It almost made her jump.

Throwing away the blanket, Elena went to the door and peeked through the eye hole.

Tseng was there and it made her heart skip a mile her minute. She briefly entertained the thought of pretending she wasn't home, but he said her name and knew she was at the door.

Swallowing hard, she opened and their eyes locked.

Perhaps that wasn't the word. She couldn't muster up a smile and so she remained blank. Tseng however scrutinized her up and down.

After a few moments of awkward silence, Tseng cleared his throat.

"I came to check on you," he said.

Elena licked her bottom lip before nodding and stepping aside to let him in.

He briefly eyed her apartment before turning towards her.

"Can I get you anything? Juice? Tea? Water?"

"Water will be just fine," he said quietly.

Elena proceeded to get him a glass, but stopped short at the sink when she noticed her hand was shaking.

"Elena?" Tseng questioned.

It took a few moments for her to face him and she knew he could read her like an open book.

"Are you really alright?"

"…"

She looked at the ground trying to think of what to say.

"I know you are not. Listen, you can tell me anything. The Turks are…the Turks are also your family."

Yes family she thought. The Turks were the family she had wanted. She had chosen not to follow the usual course of life for a woman, which was to get married and have children. She wasn't a Tifa Lockhart or a Yuffie Kisaragi. Both women were excellent fighters, but had given all that up to settle down and raise families.

Elena was a career orientated woman. She wanted to be selfish. She didn't want to give it up or even have the responsibility.

But she couldn't leave Tseng in the dark.

"Elena," he said coming closer.

She sighed.

"I suppose I can't be quiet about it any longer. You recall the night we spent together in Wutai yes?"

A look of brief confusion passed over his face before being replaced by his cool exterior.

"Yes," he said not wanting to go there. Is that what this was about? Rejection? Guilt? He thought she was stronger than that.

"Well I…I'm…"

She stopped, swallowed hard and looked at him again.

"I'm pregnant."

Silence ensured. She supposed she could have heard all eight legs of a spider running across the room with the eerie silence that was in the atmosphere.

She wasn't sure if it was just her, but Tseng seemed to go a lot paler than usual.

"What?" He said in disbelief. As if not comprehending her meaning.

"I'm pregnant," she weakly.

His eyes inexplicably went to her flat stomach. She wouldn't be showing yet, but it was an irrational response.

He looked at her, opening his mouth to say something, but couldn't think of anything.

Elena wrung her hands together as the deafening silence continued on.

Deciding to break it, she added unhelpfully "It was confirmed by the doctor yesterday. Nine weeks."

After this, Tseng ran his fingers through his hair, turned away and started pacing before stopping and staring at her.

His expression turned a little dark. Resentful even.

"You told me you were protected. That you were on the injection. I trusted you."

He bit his lip.

"I trusted you."

It was more of an accusation. Elena's stomach felt like a bottomless pit.

"I thought I was."

She didn't bother to add that she had skipped her birth control appointments for almost a year because she was tired of the headaches as a side effect. She had been on it for so long and had not expected to return to fertility so easily. That and her judgement had been cloudy that night since they had indulged in a lot of Wutaian Sake and wine.

She watched him, hands numbly at his sides.

He closed his eyes briefly and then looked at her. With a quiet sigh, he spoke again.

"What do you want to do?"

That was a question she hadn't expected and one that she had been dreading. It would have been much easier if he told her what he wanted. It would make this decision seem less of a burden.

She went back to the couch and leaned against it, folding her arms.

"I don't know. I've been brooding about it for the last couple of days when it was confirmed. I have been trying to ignore it for the few weeks I had my suspicions. I really don't know Tseng."

She looked at the ground again. She hadn't expected this. Yes Tseng was unpredictable, but she would have thought they'd be at each other's throats now, voices raised and accusations thrown.

"Would you resent me if I got rid of it?" She whispered.

Tseng himself bit his bottom lip and he too looked away. She was sure if they were being filmed this would be comedy central. They were both killers. They both had done dirty work for Shinra and occasionally still did. They had both killed innocents on orders and ruined families because of it. And yet they were both sitting here almost like headless chickens deciding what to do with an unexpected pregnancy.

"I…I wouldn't resent you. Whatever your decision." His voice was a little hoarse, but his face betrayed nothing. It seemed he was still letting this new revelation sink in. He sat down on the dining room chair.

"And if I kept it? What would you do?"

It took several moments for him to reach his answer. She supposed this was a very hard decision for him too.

"I would support you," he said although to her ears he didn't sound too sure. Tseng was many things, but Elena didn't picture him as the type of man to abandon his comrade and his child. Perhaps the unease was still the shock and uncertainty of the whole situation.

"Whatever you decide. I would help you. We could…we could…"

He stopped and then looked at her. He could probably see the pain on her face.

"We could work it out."

Like Veld did? She wanted to say.

There was the third possibility. Adoption. Which was out of the question for her. She could not carry a pregnancy to term and give it up to someone else to raise with the knowledge she had a child out there somewhere who may very well one day confront her.

"I suppose I'll think on it."

That night he stayed with her. They didn't say much to each other even though they lay side by side awkwardly on her bed.

His arm was underneath her back and his hand occasionally caressed her shoulder.

Eventually he fell asleep, but Elena lay there fully awake.

This was cruel. This was selfish. Both to him and her. She couldn't ask him to be a father. Not with the loyalty and demands his position required. The stress it would cause him. Not only that, she could even picture the future. The fact that he would hardly be around to take part in his child's life, just like Veld could hardly be in Felicia's, as much as he had loved her.

And what about her? She would be the stay at home wife if he married her, stressed and annoyed that he was never around. It would wreck their relationship and there would hardly be a good end. Or she would resume her duties as a Turk and nannies would be looking after the kid for most of its life.

And then he or she would grow up to resent his or her parents and God knows what would happen then. She could believe that. Rufus Shinra was a shining example.

Was she being irrational? Was she thinking worst case scenario? After all, things could turn out completely fine,

Yet when she thought about it and thought of their situation, she doubted the outcome would be positive.

She snuggled herself into Tseng relishing what would probably be the last few moments of intimacy she would ever have with him.

When the morning came, she decided to go back into work for the day. Tseng was concerned, but she insisted she needed to get her mind off things.

Nonetheless for most of the day she was stuck at her desk instead of doing field work. It was understandable, but she did find the situation a little bit annoying. When it came time to clock off, Tseng asked her if she wanted him over again.

The smile she gave him was a weak one.

"Thank you Tseng, but I want to be alone tonight. To think about it all."

He raised his brow, but nodded at her anyway.

"Call me if you need anything."

That night, Elena indulged herself in a glass of wine and a cigarette even though she wasn't supposed to. She felt a migraine coming along and rubbed her temples.

She decided not to come into work the next day or the day after that. She specifically told Tseng not to come over and he didn't. Although he texted to ask if she was okay.

She headed back down to the clinic and had a consultation with Doctor Alyssa. She was now over the nine week mark and would need a surgical abortion. The procedure was explained to her and then Elena was sent home to think about it.

That night she called Tseng.

"I've decided…not to keep the baby."

Silence ensured on the other end.

"I'm sorry," she added.

A few moments passed before he replied.

"You don't have to be. You are doing what you think is best."

It took a lot to keep herself from crying.

"Do you think I am making the right decision? Don't tell me that 'I support you bulshit'. You must have an opinion. What is it?"

She could hear him nervously lick his lips and swallow on the other end of the line. Hesitation? Considering how he was going to answer?

"I…I didn't want you to keep it. I'm sorry if that's not the answer you were looking for."

She felt tears prickle her eyes, but it wasn't exactly about sadness. Just a reminder of the life she would never live even though sometimes she thought about it. Thought about being 'normal.'

"It's fine Tseng. I understand. This is why I am going to do this. People like us don't…we don't have families. Not in this sense anyway."

Despite everything, the following day, Tseng put Reno in charge and came with her to the clinic. Elena took a deep breath as Doctor Alyssa suctioned the foetus out of her and scraped her uterine wall. Elena watched in detached silence at the clumps of blood in the main tube.

She was told to rest well among other post-operative instructions before Tseng dropped her home.

He stayed with her for a bit.

"Do you think you will regret it?"

Elena stared ahead and considered the question deeply.

"No. I feel relief more than anything, but…"

She stopped short.

He looked at her expectantly.

She managed to smile for him.

"I think that it will still remind me of a life I could have had, will never have and what could have been."

Tseng stayed with her again that night. He had mixed emotions about the whole thing, but like her, felt relief about the whole issue.

What could have been?

Most people would imagine a life of raising a child, watching them grow into adulthood to make them proud.

But they were Turks. They were not normal people.

The world was at peace now, but nothing could be said for certain of the future.

He thought of his superior.

It wasn't common knowledge, but having been Veld's protégée, he knew the story.

Veld situation had been so much like theirs. An accidental pregnancy.

Veld had stood up and been a man. He had married the woman and loved his child Felicia beyond belief. It had cost him everything, absolutely everything in the end.

What could have been?

Perhaps he would wonder, but as Elena said, he didn't have regrets either.

Some would say it made them monsters. Sacrificing a potential child for a job, for loyalty, for fear of a future that may not be.

But in the end, they had been practical. They both knew what sacrifices they had to make when they joined this organization.

And this had been one of the many and more would probably in the future.

A/N: I have always heavily invested in the pro-choice movement and I wrote this story as a reflection of that.