PERCEPTION

Obligatory Disclaimer: Not mine.

Author's Notes: The 7000th review of 'Chasing the Sun' (good grief, seven thousand reviews, what on earth?) was submitted by SMARTALIENQT, who requested the following prompt: "in PTL, you mention that Severus is occasionally in the habit of answering the door in his towel, and that he has done this several times to Minerva and, at least once, to Umbridge. Perhaps a 5 Times Snape Answered His Door In A Towel prompt? As hilariously as possible." So that's what this is, a few brief scenes, though I could only manage four without repeating myself. And they are brief, I'm not practiced at this kind of straight humour and it doesn't adapt well to Severus, who isn't a particularly funny guy, let's be honest! Still, it turned out better than I thought it would. As far as continuity goes, this isn't related to any of my existing stories, you don't need to have read any of them - though the final scene will probably make more sense if you've read Post Tenebras Lux.

There's an IMPORTANT NOTE at the end - well, not all that important, but you should read it anyway.

Warnings: The fourth and final scene contains hints of SSHG romance, though not graphic in any way and it's not the focus of the scene; if that pairing isn't your thing feel free to only read the first three.

I.

It had been a small and silly thing that had finally bridged the gap between Severus and his colleagues, back at the start of his teaching career. Inevitably it had been an accident; even if the young man he'd been had particularly wanted to break down the barriers and become one of the group, he wouldn't have had the faintest idea where to start, and with the war having ended just over a year ago he wasn't really in any fit state to do so anyway. Having pushed aside and buried most of the worst trauma, he was working through the rest by attempting to work towards his Mastery while maintaining a full-time job, reasoning that as well as giving him much more palatable career options it would also leave him with no free time or energy to brood and feel depressed, and so far it seemed to be working. It was leaving him rather sleep-deprived, though, even more so than usual, which was why when the Deputy Headmistress let herself into his rooms without announcing herself one morning he lost his temper and stormed out of the bathroom to confront her.

"It's called knocking, Minerva," he snarled; he still found it a little awkward using his colleagues' first names, given that they'd taught him only a few years ago, but at the moment he couldn't care less. "I trust you have at least heard of the concept?"

His bad temper was already near-legendary, of course, but the wide-eyed almost horror in her expression seemed out of place; in his current mood it took Severus a few moments to realise she wasn't staring at him, at least not at his face, and he was almost as horrified as she looked to register that he wasn't actually dressed yet. If it hadn't been for the constant low temperature in the dungeons he wouldn't even have been wearing the towel that was his only covering, and that was not something he wanted to contemplate. Shielding his emotions as strongly as he ever had in front of the Dark Lord, desperate to avoid blushing like a boy, he glanced down at himself for a moment, noticing all the little things he'd stopped paying attention to years ago, the scars and the protruding bones, before looking back to Minerva doubtfully; this was well outside his limited social experience and he was completely lost for words.

She still looked rather horrified, and as speechless as he was. That helped, at least. And although once this sort of exposure would have been his worst nightmare, the last couple of years had altered his worldview and given him a lot of far worse ones; Severus found it difficult to care now as the initial shock began to wear off, and even found himself enjoying her expression, in a perverse sort of way. After all, it was her own fault for just barging in on him like this. Steeling himself, he folded his arms across his chest and did his best to act as though nothing was wrong, trying to imagine he was in his usual forbidding black robes and resisting a distant urge to laugh. "Whatever it is you wanted, I am sure it can wait until I am dressed," he said coldly, pleased that his voice sounded at least close to his normal disinterested and unfriendly drawl. "Unless you intend to stand there and stare at me until your brain re-engages, of course."

Blinking, she appeared to return to reality, and even seemed a little embarrassed. "My apologies, Severus," she replied faintly. "I wanted to remind you to submit your choices for Slytherin prefects next year by the end of the week, that's all. It wasn't important."

"Not being an idiot, I am well aware of that already," he said curtly, still feeling acutely self-conscious but also a little smug that it apparently didn't show. "Next time do me the courtesy of knocking, if you please. You can see yourself out, I am sure - you saw yourself in easily enough." Turning on his heel, he stalked back into the bathroom before he lost his nerve, wondering if the light was clear enough for her to have seen the scars on his back, and slammed the door behind him.

He'd started to laugh helplessly just moments after she left, which had always been rare for him, and when he next saw her things had been... different. Easier. It was as if part of him had realised that he could do this, that he didn't have to be on the outside any more, that this could actually be fun. At everyone else's expense, naturally, but that only made it potentially even more entertaining.

II.

Amusing though it was to occasionally embarrass Minerva, he didn't play the same game with any of the rest of the staff. He simply didn't know them as well, for a start; she was the only one he really interacted with outside staff meetings for the most part, and there was a different dynamic between him and the rest of his colleagues. It helped that most of them were already afraid of him, of course. There was always Dumbledore, but the tiresome old goat wasn't likely to be embarrassed; Severus didn't think he had the capacity to feel any sort of shame, no matter how minor. And he felt he had sacrificed enough of his dignity to the Headmaster for several lifetimes.

Aside from Minerva and Dumbledore, only one other staff member ever came to his chambers, and he didn't stand on ceremony with Poppy Pomfrey. Unlike the other two, she didn't drop by just to annoy him or confront him over something; if she visited him, it was over something important, usually concerning an ill or injured student, and he wasn't about to insist that she wait until he was dressed. It wasn't as if it was anything she hadn't seen before, anyway - the mediwitch had been his personal Healer since he was eleven, and had been working in medicine for longer than he'd been alive. The war had changed his relationship with her quite dramatically as well; whereas with Minerva it had given him the confidence not to care and to use it as a weapon, with Poppy it had granted him acceptance, at least on a very small scale.

Besides, he didn't think there was anything on Earth that could embarrass that woman for long; it would certainly take a lot more than him being half-naked to do it. He blamed the chatty portrait that hung in the Infirmary.

IIIa.

It wasn't until the second war got under way that Severus got a chance to extend his Minerva game to someone else, and it wasn't by design. He had been working until very late, which was depressingly already quite normal now that the war was taking up so much of his time and attention, and it wasn't until almost lunchtime the following day that he managed to find the time to bathe. The shower had barely been running long enough to warm up - the wizarding world's grasp of plumbing tended to be somewhat shaky - when he felt the spells on his door beginning to give way, and cursed aloud, resting his forehead against the cold tiles for a moment. This was the first moment of peace he'd had since waking up, and he resented the disruption.

Shutting the water off so he could hear better, he considered his unwelcome visitor. He'd thought it was Dumbledore, since the old man never had any respect for his privacy, though it was more usual for him to stay in his distant office and issue a regal summons if he wanted to annoy the Potions master, but a moment's concentration revealed that it was Umbridge, trying and failing to be stealthy. Why she was assuming he wasn't in was anyone's guess, but he wasn't surprised that she was stupid enough not to check the staff room first. He also didn't know what she wanted, since she had already searched his quarters twice.

He had a few minutes until she managed to undo his security precautions, and he mulled over his options as he left the shower and picked up a towel. He could add to the spells on the door, beef them up to the way they had been before she had insisted to Dumbledore that she be given access to everywhere in the castle, and just lock her out until she went away; that was tempting, but she wouldn't admit defeat sensibly and could be out there for hours trying to smash her way in. He could leave through one of his several alternative exits and let her look around again, since he didn't have anything remotely incriminating or personal in his rooms. Or he could confront her. That idea definitely sounded more fun, and his peaceful interlude was shattered anyway; it was time Umbridge learned not to bother him. Reaching for his clothes, Severus paused; I wonder if she's capable of being embarrassed...

By the time the woman managed to break in, he was ready, and took a moment to check himself over; towel firmly in place, scars hidden, Dark Mark hidden. Perfect. Taking a deep breath and suppressing the urge to laugh, he threw open the door to his living room violently enough for it to rebound off the wall with a crash, and strode into the room. "What is the meaning of this intrusion?" he demanded icily, drawing himself up to his full height; his usual clothing was carefully chosen to enhance his image, but with enough self-possession he could make almost anyone break down and stammer like a crying first year even if he was half naked and trying very hard not to shiver as the water on his skin started to evaporate in the chill of the dungeons.

Her reaction was everything he could have hoped for; whatever she had been about to say as she spun around guiltily trailed off into an incoherent squeaking noise as her toadlike eyes widened comically and she flushed an extremely unhealthy colour, gaping wordlessly. Severus took a moment to enjoy the look on her face before speaking again.

"Ah. Professor Umbridge. This is a surprise; I did not hear you knock. What is the emergency?"

After sixteen full seconds of total silence - he timed it - Umbridge managed to reply in a voice even higher than her usual irritatingly saccharine tones, "E-emergency?"

He arched an eyebrow, reaching deeper into his Occlumency defences to stop himself shivering as more water ran from his hair; it was too late in the year for this game, really. "I assume that since you felt the need to break in when I did not answer, something important must have occurred."

The next pause was only eight seconds, and her voice was a little closer to normal as she replied. "I - I don't need your permission to enter your rooms, Professor Snape."

"Indeed not," he replied coldly. "That was Educational Degree Number Five, I believe, or was it Six? Nonetheless, since I am present in my rooms, common courtesy would dictate that you knock and wait before letting yourself in." He watched her eyes; she seemed to be focusing very hard on a point six inches to the left of his shoulder, and the flush had started to fade in blotches that made her appear to be suffering from an unfortunate skin complaint. To avoid giving her the chance to register his insult to her manners, he continued crisply, "Since this is manifestly not an emergency, to what do I owe this dubious pleasure?"

Seeming to rally, she drew herself up, trying to reduce the difference in height. "I am here to conduct an official inspection of your quarters."

"What, again? Very well." He gestured vaguely to the room before folding his arms across his chest. "Carry on."

For the next five minutes Umbridge attempted to search his rooms; Severus stood in the centre of each room she tried with a disapproving look on his face, staring fixedly at her. The way she was visibly squirming helped to dispel his discomfort at standing here like this, as well as the fact that he was bloody freezing now. It didn't take long before she mumbled something about a forgotten appointment and all but fled; smirking to himself, he returned to his interrupted shower. No doubt she'd try to make him pay for this little stunt the first time she 'inspected' a Potions lesson, but it had been worth it.

IIIb.

"I ought to scalp you and feed you to Greyback, you know," Severus observed conversationally to the man who was probably his only friend, following the next Death Eater meeting. At least this one had been tedious rather than painful, with nothing important to report to the Order later.

Lucius Malfoy raised an eyebrow with his usual expression of haughty disdain. "Oh?"

"What has he done now?" Narcissa asked from her husband's other side, sounding amused.

"Dolores Umbridge. I know you're mostly responsible for saddling Hogwarts with her." Severus shook his head. "I'm all for distracting Dumbledore and his minions, and she seems to hate Potter rather promisingly, but really, Lucius, you could have pushed for someone less odious. Have you even met her?"

"Of course," the older Slytherin replied calmly with a hint of laughter in his voice. "I thought you'd appreciate someone to play with, actually. Aren't you having fun?"

He snorted despite himself. "Well, yes, I admit. At least some of the time. We all are; she's less popular than I am, if you can believe that. But honestly, she's a bloody nuisance, and I don't have the time to deal with it. This year is proving difficult enough as it is."

"If you were willing to play the game, Severus, she'd leave you alone. Knowing you, you've done nothing to avoid antagonising her, when you really ought to be gently nudging her towards any of your colleagues who deserve her attentions a little more," Narcissa pointed out, and Severus rolled his eyes. I might have known you'd both be behind this. I suppose I should be grateful you didn't try to install a potential romantic interest instead.

"She seems to take breathing as a personal affront and something she ought to stop," he replied dryly. "And I don't exactly have a winning personality at the best of times. Besides, her Ministry rank has given her enough access to make her determined to find something she can use to get me arrested again."

Neither Malfoy bothered asking if there was anything for her to find; they knew him better than that. Lucius shrugged, smirking. "You've had weeks to persuade her to look for an easier target. You must be getting soft."

He smiled a little reluctantly. "Well, I think I've taught her not to break into my rooms unannounced any more..." Both his friends laughed aloud as he related the story, and he had to join in when he remembered the look on Umbridge's face.

IV.

His second tenure at Hogwarts was very different from his first; the war might have ended ten years ago but you wouldn't know it from the way most of his colleagues treated him. That suited Severus well enough for the most part; he was quite content to retreat to his dark corner of the school and stay out of everyone's way. When Hermione let him, anyway; her attitude to him had definitely changed, which he wasn't sure he was ever going to get used to. 'Unexpected' didn't even begin to describe it. Still, part of him did want to make amends with his fellow teachers to some extent, if only so his skin would stop crawling every time he was in the staff room with the feel of their eyes on him. Particularly Minerva, not because he wanted to resume their previous cautious pseudo-friendly interactions per se but because life tended to be easier when your employer didn't hate you.

That didn't mean he wanted her to show up at his door on a lazy Saturday morning when he and Hermione were enjoying a rare chance of a lie in, however; exams were approaching and neither of them had much free time at the moment, and he wasn't pleased to be interrupted. Nor was Hermione, judging by her annoyed growl. "What does she want? She never talks to you willingly, and if it was some sort of emergency she'd Floo."

His scathing answer died mid-snarl as he remembered how he'd dealt with unwanted visits in the past, and he smiled slowly. Even if it just pissed her off and made her seek revenge at a later date, it would make her go away right now, which was all the motivation he needed under the circumstances. "I do believe that it is time to resurrect an old game of mine," he said. "If you would care to Disillusion yourself and find a place in the sitting room to observe, you may find it amusing," he added; Hermione would only come and watch anyway, she was almost as nosy as her irritating cat at times, and she probably would find it funny.

"Severus, what are you going to do?" she asked in an amused tone, as he reluctantly left the bed. "What game?"

Switching the water on, he hastily ducked into the flow, suppressing a gasp at the shock of the cold. "Embarrassing Minerva McGonagall and teaching her to leave me alone," he called, shivering as he scrubbed a hand through his somewhat tangled hair and hastily shaved with a charm - he didn't like shaving by magic, but time was of the essence; as Headmistress, Minerva could walk straight through his security spells.

"Won't she know I'm here?" Hermione asked, sounding more curious than worried. By now they had been together almost a year and it was probably time a few people started to find out, but personally Severus was in no hurry and would be perfectly happy for nobody else to ever learn. The world knew more than enough about him as it was.

"No. These are my rooms, and I do not wish her to know." He still had some powers as former Headmaster, which was unbelievably useful, especially since Minerva didn't know. Knotting the towel around his hips, he padded out of the bathroom, noting the faint shimmer of Hermione's Disillusion charm in the corner of his living room, and began quickly concealing his scars as Minerva tapped on the door and called his name.

The Headmistress had never been known for her patience, and he barely had time to position himself near the door and get his best scowl in place before she opened the door and stopped dead, blinking at him. "Do come in," he told her irritably. "Make yourself at home." She looked rather horrified, which he found strange; she'd seen him look far worse than this. Clearly the years had eroded the memory. "Well?" he prompted after a moment, and she blinked.

"What?"

"I trust there was a reason for this visit?"

Clearly on the defensive, to his amusement, she snapped, "Do you feel it appropriate to answer the door in this state, Snape?" and he raised an eyebrow.

"It is not yet half past eight on a Saturday morning. Any unannounced visitor to my personal quarters rather than to my office must be a member of staff, rather than a student, and at this hour it is unlikely to be a social call," he replied coolly. As if anyone pays social calls down in the dungeons. "I assumed that it was more important than getting dressed - not that you gave me time to do so," he added nastily. "Quite clearly, I was in the shower. Now, Headmistress, what is it you want? The dungeons are not so warm that I wish to stand around like this all morning."

This wasn't the same as their previous interactions, he reflected during the following pause as he waited for her reply. There was too much anger on both sides now; things were never going to be the way they were. No longer interested in playing, he just wanted her to leave. Finally she answered, with a thicker touch of Scotland in her voice than he usually heard, "I was looking for Hermione..."

Suddenly amused once more, he pointed out sarcastically, "Unless the staff quarters have been rearranged recently, her rooms are several floors up and some way towards the other side of the castle."

"Obviously, Snape, she isn't there, or I wouldn't be looking for her," she replied angrily, clearly not enjoying being wrongfooted. "For reasons I cannot fathom, she seems to get something from your company, so I thought you might know where she was."

Part of him was trying not to laugh at the unintentional innuendo, but Severus was more interested in the fact that this was a pretty flimsy excuse; Minerva could find people within the castle easily, except within his rooms, so either she suspected Hermione was here or she had just wanted a pretext to come down here. Interesting. He made a show of looking down at himself before answering dryly, "I was in the shower. I am not in the habit of entertaining guests in my bathroom."

"Enough games, Snape. Is Hermione here?"

Noting the near-constant use of his name - the woman really was amusingly flustered - Severus tested the waters carefully, letting a little anger seep into his voice. "Why would Professor Granger be here so early in the morning when I am clearly not dressed for a social occasion? What, precisely, are you implying, Minerva?"

To his complete amazement, the Headmistress blushed, something he had never seen before and had no desire to see again. He'd have expected a gargoyle to show embarrassment before Minerva McGonagall did. "I - I didn't mean - oh, shut up, Snape! You know exactly what I meant. Do you or do you not know where Hermione is?"

"I believe we have just established that there is no possible way I would know," he replied coolly, choosing his words carefully. He had no problem with lying, of course, but telling the truth was often more entertaining, and meant you couldn't be caught in a falsehood later. "I assure you, she is not in my shower; beyond that, I could not possibly comment. Was there anything else?"

The look being directed at him now had chilled his blood as an eleven year old Transfiguration student, he and all his yearmates; it had absolutely zero effect on a middle-aged Death Eater, and he merely smirked in the face of her glare as she replied stiffly, "No. That would be all." He bowed mockingly, and almost dropped the towel, to his private alarm; that was taking the game further than anyone sane would want. Trying unsuccessfully not to flush again, Minerva almost literally ran from the room, and he chuckled as the door slammed before Hermione's laughter filled the room. I win again.

So there we go. That's likely to be the last 1k prompt for the existing fics, I don't think any of them are likely to get another thousand now, though I never expected them to get this far so who knows? There will be a new long fic started before the end of the year, I devoutly hope, but I'm not going to 100% promise because right now I have a little bit written for several stories and I'm not really happy with any of them.

Onto the (not very) IMPORTANT NOTE: those of you who watch my profile will have seen that I promised an announcement. (Those of you not watching probably should check occasionally to make sure I'm not dead.) I've started a blog with my partner Mitchell (Explopyro, whose work I've promoted before; his stuff doesn't get the attention it deserves, honestly) and you guys should check it out, it's going to be fun. The address is:

pointstick dot wordpress dot com

There's not much there yet, but we've got plans for it. He's likely to post more often than I am but we're both going to update regularly; the content is going to be a mix of book reviews, angry rants, hypothetical questions and anything else we feel like posting. You can choose to subscribe/follow to get email alerts whenever we update; one of the projects we're hoping to start in the near future is a Harry Potter deconstruction/analysis/merciless shredding, which I'm certain all of you will enjoy, so you should follow just for that!

Happy free chocolate day if that's a thing you do, and I'll see you all soon.