I do not own Once Upon a Time.
I just try to keep up with its little twists and turns.
CAPTAIN HOOK: User Guide and Manual
Congratulations! You have just purchased your very own CAPTAIN HOOK unit! In order to ensure a happy, seafaring existence with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.
Note: If you have mistakenly received a waxed-mustached, permed CAPTAIN HOOK unit instead, please contact us at our "notthedustinhoffman" link or facebook us with "mybad" for an exchange or a full refund.
Technical Specifications:
Name: Killian Jones
Alias: Killian, Hook, One-Handed Wonder, The Hairy Sexy Man
Storybrooke Identity Anomaly: One of the few denizens of your Play Pal Playset that has no alternate identity; similar to Ironman - just lives it right out there in the open
Age: presents as 33 years old; actual age unknown as Neverland is a timeless realm - especially when you're gazing into his deep blue eyes
Place of Manufacture: The High Seas
Height: 5 ft. 11in
Weight: 180 lbs. - probably more, what with the hook and all that leather
Included Accessories:
(1) Silver detachable hooked appendage
(1) Majestic sailing vessel, aka, The Jolly Roger
(1) Complete pirate captain outfit, which appears simultaneously very alluring and deathly hot and uncomfortable
(1) Huge ego with a heaping side of smooth, inexhaustible wit and delicious banter to match
Programming:
Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is equipped with the following modes:
The Bad Boy: Always ready for a good spin, your carefree swashbuckler enjoys pillaging, plundering, kidnap, and, in general, just making a ruckus wherever he goes. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is a well-travelled individual, be his destination rowdy taverns, lost islands, mermaid coves, or unassuming northern American fictional towns. If you choose to travel with him, take care to keep your up-to-date visa, plenty of various currencies, and a generous supply of magic beans on your person at all times so that you do not find yourself stranded in unpleasant circumstances.
Devilishly Charming Ladies' Man: Already distinctly appealing in a Dread Pirate Roberts sort of way, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit ups the swoon ante by utilizing his God-given gifts of bright blue eyes, shaggy dark mane, and partially exposed hairy upper torso (dude, he's a bear) to attract the attention of all the ladies.*
*Interestingly enough, still doesn't get near the action that a RUMPLESTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE unit racks up.
Necessary Roughness Brawler: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is quite handy in a swordfight against nearly anyone, him being a pirate and all. Also not above giving an innocent woman a unwarranted backhand or perhaps even the occasional shoulder bullet wound, this unit can present as a little rough around the edges. He does refrain from fighting invalids, however, as he so clearly states.
Unsung Hero: Whether by selfish ambition, to quench the fires of regret and remorse, or out of love and desire, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit often finds himself lending aid to those in need. Unfortunately for him, he hardly ever receives a 'thank you' or 'job well done'. Although on occasion, he is rewarded with a kiss he can definitely handle from his favorite strong-willed blond woman.
Unwilling Pawn: Be it bad luck or his own naughty meddling, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit frequently finds himself engaging in malfeasance, usually at the controlling hands of a vindictive female unit. More recent individuals include AGED CORA, ZELENA, REGINA, and EMMA SWAN units. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has a tendency to get shuffled to and fro more than a bouncing, air-filled orb at a high school basketball tournament.
Useful Talents/Abilities:
Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has many useful talents and abilities. The following are but a few.
Really Bad Eggs: A once honorable lieutenant sailor now turned pirate 'with honor', your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is quite capable of traversing the open seas in search of adventure, loot, and vengeance. Given the right motivation, he may also be persuaded to serve as a guide for you on a quest of your choosing.
Smooth Operator: Whether encouraging a good cat fight for his entertainment or shamelessly flirting with nearly every female he encounters (haven't really seen him hit on Granny yet, but give him time, right?) your CAPTAIN HOOK unit enjoys a good bout of conversing and canoodling with the ladies. Oddly enough, also appears to unconsciously flirt with half the males in the vicinity too. We don't really think this means anything – it's just a reflexive action on his part.
Tender-Hearted Ruffian: Though Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit tries to appear shallow and brash, he does notice and appreciate the unique characteristics of certain people. He will willingly comment on them (and everything else) to the abashment whatever individual on whom he is currently waxing philosophical.
Rustic Apothecary: Poisoned by Dreamshade while in Neverland? Lucky for you, your ready and able CAPTAIN HOOK unit knows right where to find the cure. What's that you say? Frustrated with the prospect of never being able to leave your newfound hideaway? Well, what more could you ask for in a relaxing vacation spot than sunny beaches, rainforest jungles, and eternal youth? Appreciate what you've got and stop complaining, you ungrateful git!
Ahem, moving right along . . .
Misleading Scalawag: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit can be quite the gentleman, though he doesn't always want everyone to know it. If he is gifted paid company for a romantic evening out, rest assured you will hear an earful of juicy, completely fabricated details concerning his carnal exploits. One must keep up pirately appearances, after all.
I'm A Survivor: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit deeply cherishes his own personal existence and will continue it for as long as possible. This being a major goal of his, he will scheme and connive to ensure his continued stay on this mortal plane. This does not prevent him from getting into scrapes and scuffles so we advise you bring along a spring-loaded first-aid kit whenever you run off adventuring with him.
Forbidden Lips: For a certain span of time, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is cursed to take magic away from the first person to kiss his lips.* In the light of this interesting revelation, you must decide what your magic is worth to you.** If you have trouble making this decision, feel free to hold this unit's head underwater for a bit to achieve that almost-dead-yet-still-somehow-attractive look.
*Intended target being an EMMA SWAN unit. However during this time, keep your GOLD unit away from Granny's alcoholic beverages. No need to cause a weird love triangle . . . quadrilateral . . . oh never mind.
** Ah, who are we kidding? Just go for it! Undoubtedly, some spell or another can be purchased at your local Target store at a later date to bring back your magic.
Removal of Your Unit from Packaging:
No doubt you will want to open his packaging, ahem, (sorry, slip of the tongue) the packaging as soon as your CAPTAIN HOOK unit arrives on your doorstep.
Here are a few tips:
JUST RIP OPEN THAT PACKAGE AND LET THE FUN BEGIN, BABY!
*Warning: Do not, under any circumstances whatsoever, allow your RUMPLESTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE or GOLD unit to open this package. Our company will not take responsibility for any and all mayhem that ensues thereafter. Most likely, neither will your insurance provider.
Compatibility with Other Units:
Being an interworldly man of mystery, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has many connections with many individuals in many realms. Here are but a few for your consideration.
LIAM JONES unit: An older brother to our handsome marauder, this unit has all the stuffins of a noble King's Navy captain. Poise, command, confidence, a slight hint of greed. On a secret mission from the King and with a sail made of Pegasus feathers, he sails his trusting crew and his little, ahem, younger brother to Neverland. Unfortunately for him, the creature Pan manipulates him into orchestrating his own demise and, in essence, destroying the upstanding life of the little noble brother in the process. His ship, the JOLLY ROGER unit, previously named 'Jewel of the Realm' remains as his last standing attachment to his brother.
RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit's fearless sense of adventure stole away the yearning heart from this unit's wife long ago in a small tavern. He attempted to show compassion by lying and proclaiming that she was dead but to no avail. Now he harbors a lifelong grudge against this Crocodile-like unit for murdering his first love and hopes to one day kill this unit to avenge his lady love.
MILAH unit: This ravishing, dark haired unit presents as your CAPTAIN HOOK unit's first love, though she was espoused to a RUMPLESTILTSKIN: PRECURSE unit at the time of their association. She willingly abandons her cowardly husband and very young son to sail off into the sunset with her dashing, dark haired buccaneer lover. He unfortunately must watch her die by having her heart ripped by her vengeful power-crazed ex-husband. Forever carrying the pain of that within him, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit attempts to fill the void of a broken hearted by making his ship (and sworn vengeance) his number one priority to detriment of all else.
SMEE unit: This cool-headed, slightly round, red-capped individual serves your CAPTAIN HOOK unit's right hand man while sailing all the seas of the realms and sometimes navigating the dry lands as well. Prone to dreams of cheese, he nevertheless is an enthusiastic and loyal sidekick who extends wise counsel to your sometimes rash, over-eager brigand.
BAE unit: These two units officially met when the teenage BAE unit sacrificed his newfound happiness for the protection of those he cared for and your CAPTAIN HOOK unit saved him from mermaids. Though he plays it close to the vest initially, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit feels compassion and concern for this 'lost boy' and takes him under his wing. But such a familial thing cannot last due to the BAE unit's shock and anger at the revelations your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has in store for him.
PETER PAN unit: This unit presents himself as a skinny adolescent boy. But make no mistake, there's more to him than meets the eye. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit has actually served in the employ of this unassuming elfish figure for many, many years though now their allegiance appears to have gone awry. This unit holds something that your piratey unit wants: passage off the island. (No, not that island – Neverland.) The question is: will your CAPTAIN HOOK unit crunch to pressure or hold his loyalties?
EMMA SWAN unit: Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is immediately taken with the straightforward, strong attitude and of course, lovely beauty, of this unit. He is also attracted to the fact that she keeps pushing him away more than the Olsen twins push away their untouched dinner plates. Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is not fazed by this repeated rejection (mostly) and will continue to pursue an EMMA SWAN unit until she gives in to his enduring love and charm, he dies, or a forgetting spell is enacted.
JOLLY ROGER unit: Yes, we are well aware that this unit is actually a sailing vessel and not a living, breathing person. However, it is unclear whether your CAPTAIN HOOK unit understands that as well. You see, a sincere pirate loves his ship and knows every inch of her (even that loose plank he's been meaning to fix). He will go to the greatest of lengths keep her safe and bring her back to himself if she is ever lost anyway from him. He sees beauty in every mast and sailcloth. He personally views it as a grievous peccadillo for anyone to pilot her save himself. In its own way, it is almost a devoted marriage of a non-dendrophiliatic nature.
Cleaning and Maintenance:
Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit garbs himself in a certain unique mix of pirate and Depeche Mode style of clothing that most certainly requires dry cleaning from time to time. It may be a challenge to convince himself to remove this clothing (aww) because he never wears anything else. We suggest hitting him with a car and knocking him out just long enough to outfit him in a hospital robe and gown (open in the back perhaps?) while you abscond with his clothes to the dry cleaners.
Because he is indeed a pirate, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit requires the standard issue pirate kohl-black eye liner and shadow to really complete his ensemble because it makes him look cooler and more mysteriously handsome.
It would greatly behoove you to refresh your Hook's eyeliner in order to fully experience the optimum beauty of his manliness. He will become quite put-out if you don't pony up the cash for a generous stash. So grab your coupons and make haste for the nearest Walgreens to stock up.
Feeding:
Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit does not present with any particular culinary tastes. However, he does prefer to enjoy his ale/rum and assorted foodstuffs in a crowded tavern, Granny's diner, or on the high seas where any spilling mishaps can just be swept off-deck.
Rest:
Your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is most at home on his ship, reclining in his captain's bed or a swinging hammock deep within the hold of his sailing vessel. As of late, he does however dream of an EMMA SWAN unit joining him there for a peaceful repast or perhaps more amorous activities.
Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting:
Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit keeps chasing me wherever I go, trying to kiss me and bring my memories back. What do I do?
A: Error 804: Unable to process the actual problem here. Please rephrase inquiry.
Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit keeps dazzling gaggles of ladies with his handsome face, sparkling smile, and quick wit. What do I do?
A: Join the aforementioned gaggle and enjoy! Better than putting a brown paper bag over his head and diminishing all his pretty.
Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit keeps antagonizing and berating my next door neighbor who just happens to be a giant and looks like that big guy from Lost. What should I do?
A: Well, everybody needs a hobby, sweetie. Get him a Twitter account so that he may unleash his charm on the entire world while you secretly pay for your neighbor's psychiatric counseling. #Hugoneedsacuddle
Q: My CAPTAIN HOOK unit has recently become obsessed with blue Jell-O. What should I do?
A: Visit your local Kroger store for the upcoming 10 for 10 sale and stock up! Oh, and buy yourself a blue dress and do a wiggle dance for him just to stir things up a bit.
End Notes:
As with most Once Upon a Time Units, your CAPTAIN HOOK unit is an ever developing entity who continues to evolve and reveal new curious aspects of himself at the drop of a hat. No doubt future addendums will need to be added just to keep up with the ever shifting character of this unit.
Alrighty, SkywardWriter, hope you enjoy your specially manufactured CAPTAIN HOOK unit! 'Twas your idea after all. ;)
Thanks to SkywardWriter, The Heroine With 1000 Faces, Strummer Pink, Robin4, Invisible Observer 813, fireflower815, and my kind guests for your excellent reviews. I appreciate you very much, sweeties.
Thanks to Invisible Observer 813 for catching my age error. I think I got it right this time.
Thanks to The Heroine With 1000 Faces for the "eyeliner replenishment for optimum manliness enhancement" bit. You're tons of fun, sweetie!
And now, who's next? Who do you want to see? Come on, step right up, step right up, ladies and gents. I can do this all day! ;)
By request, coming relatively soon to a fanfiction near you: ROBIN HOOD, DAVID, PRINCE CHARMING, JEFFERSON, MAD HATTER, REGINA, BELLE, GRUMPY, ZELENA, SNOW WHITE, and MARY MARGARET unit user guides and manuals.
Best Youtube vid I have seen all day (and trust me – researching this chapter – LOADS) on Emma/Hook kissing: 'Once Upon a Time Hook and Emma Kissing Fan Reactions' by Broadwaygirl01. Warning: Do not eat or drink during viewing or you will most certainly choke and die.
In reference to the Rumple/Hook kissing joke, it's based on a hilarious blooper reel. Youtube 'OUAT season 1 & 2 bloopers'. No actual kissing, but a funny triangle with Rumple/Hook/Belle.
And while I'm going on and on (and on and . . .) what do Adam Horowitz and Edward Kitsis have against islands anyway? They were shipwrecked as children, weren't they? I mean, it's the only explanation for this connection between OUAT and Lost! Besides my overactive brain, that is.
Now think about this – What if Neverland and the Lost island are one and the same? Alright, all Lost conspiracy theorists – Ready? Set? GO! – Hee hee, look at 'em run! Whee! *giggles manically like Rumple*
Now look here, people, I am not getting back on that island, do you hear me? I am done with it. I can not be persuaded, under any circumstances , to . . . oh crud, now I've got to go watch Lost again. Be right back.
Anywho, thanks for reading and be well! :D