I do not own ABC's Once Upon a Time.

I just try to keep up with all its little twists and turns.

RUMPLESTILTSKIN: A User Guide and Manual

Congratulations! You have just purchased your very first RUMPLESTILTSKIN: THE DARK ONE unit. In order to ensure a happy fairy tale existence with your unit, we have taken the time to create this user-friendly manual.

Note: GOLD unit and RUMPLESTILTSKIN: PRECURSE unit not included in this packaging. Please contact your Amazon representative if you believe a mistake has occurred with your order.

Technical Specifications:

Name: Rumplestiltskin

Alias: The Dark One, Rumple, Beast, Crocodile, Dang-What-Is-THAT

Age: 300 years plus

Place of Manufacture: Enchanted Forest

Height: 5 ft. 8 in.

Weight: unknown – probably quite a bit considering the weight of sins carried on his shoulders

Included Accessories:

(1) large well maintained wooden spinning wheel

(1) hardly chipped tea cup

(1) magical dagger (take extra care with this item as it is rumored to be the weapon of his demise)

(1) box of magical accoutrements including fairy godmother wand, potions, etc

(1) rather large Dark Castle estate

Programming:

Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is equipped with the following modes:

Imp-like Trickster: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit frequently exhibits fiendishly maniacal, unpredictable flourishes of behavior. In this mode, he frequently speaks with a high, lilting tone that some might feel is reminiscent of a small, carefree Scottish lad. Theories abound as to his intentions with these mystifying characteristics. It is thought by some that this behavior is simply a distraction used to misdirect those involved from his disturbing outward appearance and inwardly sly machinations. Others believe he is simply having a bit of fun, much like a participant in a masked Italian farce performance.

Melancholy Creature of Darkness: Though your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit can be a wild and crazy guy, he also is prone to periods of sorrowful reserve and stoic despondency. One indicator of this mode is that his voice usually exhibits with a lower, quieter resonance and he expresses less hyper-active-evil-Robin-Goodfellow displays. When these times do occur and you despair of ever getting a more palatable version of your unit back on-line, please have some perspective and patience. He has been alive for more than three hundred years, has seen and done terrible, gruesome things, and has in general, been through a lot of crap. That takes some centuries to work through and forget. Providing him with loads of straw so that he may spin in silent reflection to help alleviate this unfortunate condition.

Ancient Wise One: Hang around long enough and your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit may likely reveal some important, helpful tidbits that can make your journey through life a decidedly more successful one. *

*Some common ones are:

"Everyone has a choice, dearie. Just make sure it's the right one." - Take responsibility for yourself and make your own decisions.

"Every story needs a memorable detail!" - Have fun being interesting.

"Evil isn't born, dearie, it's made." - We all start out innocent.

"Your boat. Exquisite craftsmanship." - Good manners are a excellent way to start out a conversation.

Useful Talents/Abilities:

Purveyor of Magical Elements: It goes without saying that your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has the ability to make life altering curses and potions for the right price. A note of warning: Make sure you are willing to pay the price.

Lawyer Extraordinaire: Hand-in-hand with the aforementioned talent, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has the uncanny ability to create deals so unbreakable that by the time you realize that you're well and truly screwed, there is probably no way out. Tread lightly.

Sly Demon: A cunning individual, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit possesses the ability to warn you of impending doom and dangerous truth while simultaneously confusing you enough that you will not be able to process the information until it slaps you in the face. Metaphorically speaking. Well, maybe. If you're lucky.

Eyes of the Oracle: Through a series of unfortunate events, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has attained the ability to see into the future. However, be warned that this ability is not a straight up card trick. It is more akin to piecing together a puzzle blindfolded with a dyslexic duck who keeps flipping the cards back over whenever you sneeze.

Deadly Heart Surgeon: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit possesses a disturbing ability to reach into the chest cavity of nearly anyone and take control of that person's weirdly glowing, non-bloody heart. Be ware that this act is shocking until you've seen it a few dozen times and then it becomes a birthday party trick that dang near anyone can perform, including adolescent boys with no magical ability whatsoever.

A Hit with the Ladies: Finally, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit innately exudes such a strong personality that he flirts with nearly every female he comes in contact with without giving off a dirty old man vibe. Mostly. Seriously, the dude gets more action that any other unit you will currently find available for purchase.

Removal of Your Unit from Packaging:

Due to his sporadic nature, there is really no telling how your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will emerge from his packaging container. He may jump out and scare you, much like a maniacal Jack-in-the-Box or he may simply appear wherever you least expect it.

In light of this complication, we have included suggestions for you to follow for your own mental well-being.

(1) Write down what you want to say on notecards before opening the box as he will probably run verbal circles around you if you don't. And whatever you do, whatever you do, stick to the cards.

(2) Imbibe a medicinal relaxant or soothing tea so that you are as unflinching as possible.

(3) If you are a female, dress as alluringly as possible to stall him from his immediate goal of dumbfounding the bejeebers out of you. *

(4) If you are a male, steel yourself for emotional turmoil as he will immediately question your manliness and make you feel either weak and impotent or outraged and impotent.

(5) Be wary of exhibiting trust in him as he will probably take advantage of that by trapping you into an unbreakable deal with some dire consequences.

*A possible side effect of this tactic is that he will instantly hit on you, a glitch commonly referred to as the "Creepy Older Dude Vibe".

Compatibility with Other Units:

BELLE unit: Initially, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will simply use this unit as a lowly servant in his rather large estate. Given time and near catastrophes, your BELLE unit will prove endearing enough that he will find himself drawn to her like a scaly little magical puppy with abandonment issues. However, be forewarned that if she exhibits any suspicious (in his amber eyes) behavior whatsoever, he will banish her from his presence and all his positive progress will be thoroughly trounced.

BAE unit: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit loves this son unit deeply, having been both mother and father to him for many years. However, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is so afraid of relinquishing his new found powers that he will ultimately coward out and abandon him at the nearest McDonald's. This will cause massive, permanent feelings of guilt that will eventually result in your unit creating a curse to end all curses. This is a fixed point in time that cannot be undone. Any noble effort to change this moment will most likely result in ripping a giant hole in the space time continuum.*

* Please do not attempt at home. There is no way to explain this disaster to your insurance provider.

CORA unit: This vulnerable, voluptuous unit is one of the few mere human units to actually have the ability to outwit your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit with her rendition of that pottery scene from Ghost.* Once he realizes he has been well and truly duped by his own combination of hubris and prom night hormones, he will throw a giant hissy fit which will prove highly embarrassing to him and any involved witnesses. As such, any CORA unit remains permanently imprinted on your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit. Though he moves on from her betrayal, it causes him to become ever more suspicious of any and all units purporting to care for him.

*If at all possible, please refrain from throwing up on your units at this time. They are dry clean only and your local services will probably charge you extra for bringing in such troublesome items.

EVIL QUEEN unit: The most ever fluctuating relationship of your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit, these two units vacillate between enemy and ally more often than Prince Justin of the Bieber royally shames himself. The EVIL QUEEN unit is one of the few female units that your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has never hit on, thus making their relationship an anomaly in the world of creepy flirtations. Reasons for this are unknown though one may suspect a family connection between them.

PETER PAN/MALCOLM unit: As this unit is a strong link to your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit, he experiences high levels of anxiety and unrest when faced with this particular unit. Though your PETERPAN/MALCOLM unit mostly appears in the guise of a skinny teenage boy, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has no qualms about meeting this unit on an equal playing field of animosity. And trust us, you won't mind it either. Just grab some light refreshments and a comfy seat and watch them go.

ZELENA unit: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will mock this unit's lack of most loved things and disregard her as less than important to him than other more useful sacrificial lambs under his scaly influence. Citing her growing envy for a certain raven haired future political leader will only instigate her sudden evolution into a grass toned fury-filled scorned woman like Hell hath no. This may also be held up as telling evidence that one's iniquities often return to nip one in the posterior.

MILAH unit: This female unit represents both your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit's first successful female contact and his first crushing heartbreak. Keep this unit separate from your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit as her coarse, devastating revelations to him will cause him to pull her glowing heart from her body, crumple it to dust, and dirty your freshly steam-cleaned Oriental rug.

As your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has many associations in many worlds, some yet unknown, we have chosen to address but a few of the most prevalent characters here. Otherwise this tome would be too big to fit in your house/hut/castle/hovel/living abode. Thank you for your understanding.

Cleaning:

Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is entirely capable of completing his own cleansing rituals independently. However if you really want to make those scales of his shine, here are some useful tips.

(1) Buy a silver cleaning kit and keep it nearby.

(2) Wait until your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is spinning at his wheel.

(3) Approach casually with a basket of fresh straw.

(4) While he is spinning, flit in and out dragonfly style to polish the dingiest of his scales. *

*This strategy will require stealth, strategy, and the speediest of maneuvers. You may choose to practice on a caffeine charged, declawed kitty cat first to hone your technique so he will not freak out and turn you into a three eyed toad.

Note: Occasionally, your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit will experience a molting phase similar to reptiles. During this time, he may be prone to peel his scaly skin and throw it at you. There is really no cure for this. It's just what he does to gross you out.

*After cleaning his scales out of your hair and bustier, throw them directly into the incinerator. Do not keep them in your Pretty Princess Hope Chest as they could be stolen and used by an enemy to create a control spell.

*Do not keep them in a vial around your neck as a token of his undying love and affection. They really most likely aren't and that's just nasty. (Looking at you, Angelina Jolie fifteen years ago.)

Feeding:

Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit is not exactly particular about what he eats. He has been known to enjoy an aromatic cup of tea now and again. Just make sure you put it in his favorite hardly chipped tea cup.

Rest:

Unfortunately, inadequate intel has been gathered regarding this matter. Fanfictional rumors indicate he snores like a dragon and sleeps in the nude. Substantial virtual lollipop offered for anyone willing to divulge useful information regarding this matter.

Frequently Asked Questions and Troubleshooting:

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSTKIN unit keeps experiencing rage fits and breaking all my stuff. What should I do?

A: Replace everything single thing you own with plastic. Oh, and sign up for the premium insurance package with your local provider.

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit cackles madly and scares my neighbors at weekend grill-outs. What should I do?

A: Invite less wimpy neighbors to your grill-outs.

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit exhibits frequent sad behaviors such as crying and self-loathing. Is my unit malfunctioning?

A: No. Your unit is experiencing what is commonly known as "Conflicted Villain" algorithm sequence. Just buy extra hankies and place them at convenient locations around your dwelling.

Q: My RUMPLESTILSKIN unit keeps repeating the line "All magic comes with a price, dearie." I am well aware of that by now. How can I make him stop saying this?

A: You can't. It's deeply encoded in his basic circuitry. However, his control panel is equipped with variety of language settings.* Setting it to different ones may grant you the auditory reprieve of which you seek. At the very least, he'll say it in different, cool accents.

*Warning: Avoid the Pig Latin setting as it gives him terrible bouts of oinking hives and he may grant you curly pink tail for your efforts.

Q: My RUMPLESTILSKIN unit keeps turns my ex-boyfriends into flower arrangements and giving them to me. What should I do?

A: Stop inviting your ex-boyfriends over to your house, dumb-dumb! Or for monetary gain, book Madison Square Garden and, charging an outrageous admission fee, turn it into a magic act!

Q: My RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit has suddenly begun acting even odder than usual by exhibiting sporadic behavior and speaking mainly in maniacal riddles. What should I do?

A: Your RUMPLESTILTSKIN has purposely activated his "Sacrificial Love for His Son" subprogram. This program allows him to completely absorb his dying son's essence to keep him alive. Give your unit his spinning wheel as a focal point while you research how to extract his son without killing him.

End Notes:

If you and RUMPLESTILTSKIN unit begin to fall in love and kiss, he may lose his supernatural appearance. If you are lucky, he will retain his magical abilities and dance you off into a happily ever after. If you are unlucky, he will banish you from his presence indefinitely. Consider yourself fairly warned.

Oh, Robert Carlyle, how much doth I enjoy thy character of the Rumplestiltskin? Well, so much it makes me talketh funny! :D

CrimeshowsNumber1Fan, good job catching me! I switched the Ancient Wise One sayings out because I realized they were actually Gold's sayings instead of Rumple's. And yes I am that anal retentive to differentiate between the two.*winks*

Okay, the skin peeling/throwing thing? Jennifer Morrison has said that he did that during rehearsal! Hysterical! Youtube 'OUAT Paleyfest 2012 '.

I have been wanting to write this for SO long and just thought it was too much. So anyway, here's my Saturday for your literary enjoyment.

If I have left out any information you deem incredibly important for this piece, review or PM me about it, and hey I'll make an addendum or something, yeah? :)

Interested in a user guide and manual for a Mr. Gold model? Speak up if you do!

Thanks to my mystery guest, CrimeShowsNumber1Fan, Robin4, and boots111 for your great reviews. You're my sweeties!

Thanks as well to TheMidnightDreamer107, fireflower815, pretendtolikeyourtasteinmusic, and denimblues for your support of this tale.

Everyone appreciates feedback. Leave a review if you like. You know I'd love to hear from you! :)

I have also created a user guide and manual for the character of R from the movie Warm Bodies. And if you don't know what I'm talking about, dude, you are seriously missing out! ;_;