Numb

I rub my eyes, the light blinding. Swing my legs over the side of the bed, sighing heavily as the cold sets into my bones. I move to crack my knuckles but my breath hitches in my throat, making me stop mid-motion.

You hated it when i did that. You used to tell me it sounded like i was cracking my bones every morning, and that it was bad for my hands. To make it even better, you would go on this spiel about arthritis and all these complications that could result from me cracking my knuckles. And you thought you were stupid.

So i tried to stop.

To make you happy.

But now that you're gone, it's easy to forget.

I stretch and plant my feet on the carpeted ground, shuffling over to my mirror. I squint at my reflection. Dark hair pointed up at all angles, eyes only half open, clothes ruffled and disheveled.

I used to question why you loved the way i looked in the morning.

And you would yawn and shoot a question right back, in your tired morning voice that i loved. "Why does the sun rise?"

You were very poetic.

I sigh again and pull my hat over my hair, dragging myself into the bathroom to brush my teeth. I remember how we would stand at this sink every morning, laughing as the foam dribbles down our chins and you would tell me i looked like a zombie from that movie we'd watched the night before.

I was watching that movie.

I remember the feeling of your hand in mine, our fingers intertwined like the strands of in a rope. I remember how you practically jumped into my lap when something surprising happened and how you fell asleep on my shoulder as the credits started rolling because it was already two o'clock in the morning and we were both exhausted-

I stop thinking when i feel hot tears running down my face.

This will be the third day I've left for school with deep red tear tracks on my skin.

You haunt me.

You've haunted me since i found you in your bedroom in a pool of your own blood.

Something told me something was wrong when i called you and you didn't pick up. So i walked- more like ran- all the way to your house across town and climbed in through your window, because that's what we did when we wanted to surprise each other.

I got the worst surprise i could have ever gotten.

I shove my feet into my sneakers and pull a sweatshirt over my head, cramming my phone into my back pocket as i shoulder my backpack. Wiping my face with the back of my hand i throw open the door and trudge down the steps, swallowing the lump that's formed in my throat. I walk alone to the bus stop, meeting with an equally as sullen Daniel. He sighs at me and i look down, feeling guilty about the dark purple bags under his eyes.

"You look horrible." He says quietly, shifting his weight from foot to foot.

"Ditto."

"It's hard." He whispers, as though he's talking to himself. I glance over at him and see his shoulders sag, his eyes falling closed.

I feel bad for him.

We board the school bus and he slides into the seat next to Kyle, who stares out the window with a dazed look in his eyes. I walk all the way to the back seat, where we used to sit together with our knees pressed against the green vinyl. We would draw in permanent marker and stifle laughs and just be idiots in general.

The bus comes to a halt in front of the school and i walk off with everyone else, the weather dreary and dismal. How fitting.

I pinch the dial on my lock between my fingers and twist, remembering how just hours before i found you you were at my side, babbling and smiling and laughing in that amazing way you always did.

My chest tightens and i draw in a breath through my teeth, squeezing my eyes shut.

The first few periods go by in a blur, and i feel like I'm trapped in those storm clouds hovering over the world as though they'll swallow in whole. At lunch i stare at the table, trying to focus on just trying to breathe.

That's what you told me to do when i felt like this. Just. Breathe.

Tweek lays a hand on my shoulder. I sigh in response, shaking my head. I know what he's asking just by the look in his eyes. He knows. He knows I'm not okay. But what he's worrying about is that I'm never going to be okay.

And i don't think i ever will be.

I walk home early, not really caring about what I'm going to miss or how it will affect me. It starts to rain as i near my house, but i don't speed up. The rain seeps into my clothes and my hair and chills me past my skin, past my muscles and my blood and my bones, freezing my soul.

I sit on the porch swing in my backyard and let the rain mix with my tears as i remember all the days we would sit back here, reading the poetry you wrote or found or heard.

I can recite the last one you ever told me, on our anniversary. If i close my eyes i can see the sun lighting up your blonde hair and the way your lips curled around the words, your voice like honey.

"I've always loved this one." You start, looking up at me with your twinkling blue-green-gray eyes.

I miss those eyes more than anything.

"So read it to me." I say, smiling down at you. Your smile grows, crinkling the skin around your eyes as you shrug.

"I remember it by heart."

A strangled noise fights its way out of my throat as my mother opens the screen door, her voice drowned out by the rain falling rapidly around me.

"Then say it to me."

"Okay. But i want you to guess the title." I nod and my hand tightens around yours.

"We are light refracted through the air

We are reflections in glacial lakes; we are Calcium, Carbon and Water

Woven into braids

Fractal under the microscope

We are Crystals

We grow from the Earth

Emergent

Transcendent.

A summer kiss on the ear

Is the rose bud blossoming to the air?

Matter

Crossing into a new plane.

Or is it more like wandering

Into an unseen Path in the wood?" You pause and close your eyes, leaning your head on my shoulder.

"Is that all?"

"No. Shut up, asshole, you're ruining the vibe." You say, laughing slightly.

Your laugh was always contagious.

"Go on then, I'm waiting. You're cutting into my super busy schedule here." I joke.

"Yeah, sure. Cause you're Mr. Popular." You say, rolling your eyes with a smile.

That goddamn smile. It makes my heart beat and my blood pump in my ears and my throat tighten.

"We are little cities

Some immigrate

Some emigrate.

The calcified Locals

Watch the ships come and go

Out of the harbor, and

The Smugglers prowl

Through the notches

As they age, brittle;

As Blood and Spittle

With looser morals

Find Paths of their own

With pathogens in tow

We are Multiplicities

We are Cosmos

Spinning into infinite cycles

With Sisyphean futility.

We are a paradox of entropy

Informational energy;

Spiral galaxies

Of Hydrogen, curving

Into snail shell

Of Calcium;

We are rivers of Carbon

And Golden Ratios.

Ordered Chaos.

We are

Anti-Vacuums.

We are

Something

Rather than

Nothing,

And sometimes that's all you've got going for you.

And then there are the times

When we become the characters of our films

And are forced

To watch ourselves

And interpret every Movement

Every Tw!tch

We make, knowing

Somewhere

Some-One

Is likely

Watching!

And then…

We are Gods,

Folding microcosms into

Macrocosms.

A baker kneading bread;

Hands dusty with flour.

We are whole Universes

We create the world we inhabit

We sculpt it

Flip it

Shape it into a Map

That will only ever graze

The Territory

So when you're standing before a Mirror

With Your Reflection staring at you;

And He's an inhabitant of

That infinite chasm

Within Your cranium—

How do you know,

Who is staring at Who?"

You draw in a breath and wrap your arm around me, your wide smile softening into a small curve of your lips.

"Guess." You say as i curl an arm around your waist.

"I have no idea. You know I'm bad at interpreting your poetry. I'm not as smart as you." You scoff, slightly bitterly, and roll your eyes.

"Just guess." You say, your grin returning. So to humor you i rattle off a few obvious guesses and you laugh and shake your head at every one.

"It's called Windows."

I lose it completely. It's as though I'm watching a movie, i feel none of this. I watch myself collapse onto my side and pull my knees to my chest, my mouth open in a silent scream of agony. I watch myself sob like a girl as the rain clears up, my shivering form shaking it's head and muttering incomprehensible words.

All those amazing memories come flooding at me all at once.

That time it was pouring and we didn't have an umbrella, so you gave me your precious parka.

Or the time we went to Stark's Pond to watch the stars.

Or the first time we kissed;

Or hugged;

Or held hands;

Or cried;

Or laughed.

A lot of my firsts were stolen by you.

I feel my heart finally snap;

My mind finally fall silent;

My eyes finally close.

I think I've finally died.

I think I've finally given up.

-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-x-

So there you have it. I hope i didn't make anyone cry! This is the first fanfiction i've posted, so i don't really know how anyone is going to react to it. But i hope you guys do cause you're stuck with me :)