day 1, status post breakup

Everything hurts.

How is it that she keeps forgetting that? That heartbreak actually, physically hurts. There's just a crushing void in the center of her chest, and maybe if she takes short, shallow breaths, maybe if she just curls up and tries her best not to move, maybe if she could just stop crying –

day 2 (morning), status post breakup

It's ok. She's surprisingly calm, really. It's better this way – they tried it out, and now they won't have to wonder about it anymore, and she can move on, and-

day 2 (evening), status post breakup

She has never, ever been more thankful for her girls.

They don't exactly live the Sex and the City life where they can manage a standing brunch date, but when she sends out an SOS text (setting my apt on fire bc i keep finding his shit), Gwen and Maggie and Alex (who was always weirdly supportive of Mindy-and-Danny) are all there within the hour with a rainbow of wine bottles.

Crying with them feels safe, and hopeful somehow, because they've done this before, countless times, when any one of them was knocked out with a broken heart. They know the script; they know to alternate the tough love and the sympathy, and whether the situation calls for chocolate, hugs, or tearing up photographs. They do this ritual over and over, and the heartbreak always goes away eventually, so she just needs to trust that it will work this time, too.

She feels sad for a moment, because she thinks about Danny, and that Danny doesn't have this to fall back on, and then she hates him all over for making her feel sorry for him when this was all his fault in the first place.

week 2, status post breakup

The worst days are the ones where she starts off feeling normal. She wakes up, has her coffee, and manages to psych herself up with her 'Badass Babes' playlist (Beyoncé and Britney, mostly). Easy-breezy-beautiful, she thinks, before stepping through the door of Shulman & Associates, and she is all of those things for the fifteen seconds it takes for her to make hurried, painful eye contact with one Daniel Castellano.

Things generally go to shit after that.

(Un)fortunately, she's got a lock on all the best semi-private places for secret crying in the building (fourth floor janitor's closet, fire escape next to the taxidermists' office), so she has a good cry, calls Gwen and makes her promise that everything is going to be ok, fixes her makeup, and heads back to work until the next fresh wave of hurt.

Lather, rinse, repeat.

week 3, status post breakup

She forces herself to do things again, and it helps, a little. As always, after a breakup, she catches up with all the people she's inadvertently ignored during the relationship. She calls her mother, makes a point of meeting up with friends, and promises herself not to neglect them again with the next boyfriend. She organizes her apartment, attempts a P90X video that Rishi illegally downloaded for her, and even catches up on charts.

In short, she feels good enough to say 'yes' when Danny asks if she wants to hang out.

She knows this is not going to end well. She recognizes the tone she uses when she lies to herself – we can be friends! It's not weird! But she lets him come over anyway, and she lets him kiss her again, and when he pulls away with regret in his eyes and the beginnings of an apology, it's herself that she hates.

month 2, status post breakup

She's the first to meet Peter's new girlfriend, and spending the evening watching him be goofy and in love makes her happier than anything else has in a really long time.

"So you really liked her?" Peter asks her the next day, as they polish off coffee and éclairs in the lounge. She can't help but be inordinately pleased that he's seeking her opinion, much less her approval, and thinks that his unexpected friendship may be the best thing to come out of her ill-fated office romance. She's never really managed to have a truly platonic guy best friend – all her previous friendships went the way of Harry Burns – and with Rishi so far away, Peter makes an excellent substitute brother.

"Peter, I loved her. She's spunky and sweet, which almost no one but orphans and Reese Witherspoon can really pull off, and she's getting me a really sweet Lululemon discount without me even having to drop a single hint. And she's super into you, which I don't totally understand, but to each her own," she teases, holding up her coffee mug for a clink.

Peter can't keep the grin off his face. "Yeah, she wants the 'P'. By which I mean Peter. But could also mean peni-"

"Ooo-kay, moving on."

"You know you like it."

"I'm still trying to figure out why Lindsay likes it."

"Who's Lindsay?"

They both look up to see Danny hovering awkwardly near the table. Mindy recovers first, and with a quick glance at Peter, answers brightly, "Just one of Peter's friends."

"Actually," says Peter, clearing his throat, "she's my girlfriend. She's pretty awesome."

It's as if all the air has been sucked out of the room. She's torn. She's so proud of Peter for stepping up, but she can't even look at Danny, can't help but compare the situation to their own. It's clear that they're all thinking about it, from the slightly challenging stare Peter's throwing at Danny, to the latter's inability to meet either of their eyes.

"That's…that's really great, man. How come we haven't met her yet?"

"Mindy's met her," Peter says nonchalantly, and she can't help but feel a little satisfaction. "I'll bring her around sometime."

They all go back to work after that.

month 3, status post breakup

The thing is, she wasn't actively settling out to replace Danny, and she never in a million years thought she would be replacing Danny with Peter. But 'replace' isn't quite the right word, because what Danny was to her changed, and it's really that Peter stepped into the gigantic friendship void that Danny left behind.

Because he did leave it behind. He shook up what they had and made it something new and old and wonderful all at once, and that's just not something that goes away.

She's tried to be his friend, she really has. She feels like she owes it to him, somehow, even though Gwen always shakes her head gently when she tries to explain. But hanging out outside of work always ends the same way, with desperate make-outs followed by abrupt, awkward exits that tear her up inside.

Work itself is just weird. She's lost the compulsive need to tell him everything. To be honest, she rarely wants to tell him anything. He's already got so much of her, and it all still feels so raw. Giving him more of herself just seems unbearable.

month 3.5, status post breakup

Danny starts dating Sally, and so she fucks the next guy she goes out with.

The sad thing is, she doesn't even like him all that much. They met at a Trader Joe's and he was explaining the difference between quinoa and couscous and she was totally distracted by his mouth. She never figures out the difference, but she ends up in his bed anyway, because he's tall, blond, and kind of granola, and therefore does not remind her of anyone else in the least. Anti-Danny gets her out her clothes and there's a part of her that knows that it's all wrong, and she doesn't want this, not like this, but she doesn't stop, just pretends to come and tries to fall asleep.

month 4, status post breakup

She keeps hooking up with Granola, because she's nothing if not a glutton for punishment, and Danny finds out, because there's only been one semi-successfully kept secret in the history of their practice.

Danny is livid.

There's a screaming match in her office that only ends when Morgan literally douses them both with a bucket of cold water. Jeremy sends them both home - separately, and escorted by "a more responsible member of the staff". Danny shakes Morgan off and does a pretty respectable storm out, but Mindy appreciates having Peter walk her home, even if she isn't really in a state to make conversation.

She's on the floor of her apartment for what seems like hours, drinking wine coolers and wondering which of the friends she went to medical school with would be most likely to make the memory eraser from Eternal Sunshine a real thing. When Danny knocks on her door at 2 AM, she's not entirely sure it isn't just a memory.

He grabs her as soon as she opens the door, kissing her hard, and despite the empty bottles on the floor, she knows it isn't the wine that's rushing straight to her head.

"Danny, I-"

"No," he says sharply, and the way his mouth descends on hers is almost savage. Her arms hurt where his hands are clenched around them, fixing her in place so that everything else seems to spin.

His lips trail down her neck, biting at her pulse point, hard enough to leave bruises on even her dark skin. His hands leave her arms and for a second she's unmoored and out of focus and just plain lost until he touches her again. She hones in on the heat and pressure of his hand on her back; he's slipped under her blouse and she doesn't think she's craved anything as much as his skin against hers. She doesn't protest when his fingers tear at her clothes and slip inside her, or when he pushes her down on the couch and finally, finally sinks into her. She thinks she might have to live the rest of her life on that single, gorgeous moment, because there's a sour taste rising in her mouth, and this is even worse than sex with a stranger, because this is a man she loves and they are doing this for all the wrong reasons. It feels so good and so breakable, and she doesn't realize she's crying until Danny stops abruptly.

"What's wrong?" he asks, hoarse and desperate.

The words don't come at first, she just shakes her head over and over, until they burst out of her, "I'm not yours, Danny. I'm not yours. I love you so much but I'm not yours anymore."

She's crying too hard to see the stricken look on his face. She doesn't look up to watch him leave.

Angst is delicious. I might continue? Haven't decided.