I Dare Not Hope: Chapter 1

"Hell is empty and all the devils are here." – The Tempest, William Shakespeare

"I wish I could tell you how lonely I am. How cold and harsh it is here. Everywhere there is conflict and unkindness. I think God has forsaken this place. I believe I have seen hell and its white, its snow-white."
― Elizabeth Gaskell, North and South

Margaret stood looking out of her window across the green field of Helstone. The day was bright as the sun shone across the thriving Southern land, but the anguish in Margaret's heart could not be diminished. She knew not how long she had been standing there, hoping to take her mind from the present. After awhile she realized she had been wringing her hands together so tightly that she couldn't feel the tips of her fingers anymore. Looking down, her first movement in hours, she saw the purple hue she inflicted upon herself. She had been trying so hard to keep from crying that she didn't notice the state she had put herself in. She realized even if she allowed her tears to fall that she couldn't, even if she forced them from her being.

When her mother had passed not two weeks ago she couldn't even fathom letting one tear fall. Seeing her father crumble before her eyes in despair like he had, had made Margaret the stern and dependable figure that she always had been. Margaret wholeheartedly stepped into her mother's role in this horrid time as she and her father were left to pick up the pieces without her. Mr. Hale cried like a babe at the loss of his wife, denouncing God as the reason they should be tormented so. His words echoed in Margaret's ears, why have you forsaken me, God?! My wife, my dear Maria, taken so cruelly from my side, oh I love you not Lord, for you have brought doubt within my heart!

Margaret turned a blind eye to her father's blasphemous remarks, not willing to go down that dark path with him. As it was, she stayed vigil at his side while Dixon kept to her house work. Though Margaret knew she suffered just as the rest of them. She would hear the maid throughout the house muttering under her breath that it should have been the master, not her mistress that was taken from this good earth. Again, Margaret would not hear it.

She wished more than anything that Fred was here with them, but quickly realized he would not take it well, quite like her father, they were so similar. Although Fred was older then herself, she felt the mature one at times. Being left as the only child while Fred was away, indefinitely, left the responsibilities on her shoulders alone. Not that she minded. She loved her family dearly. When they were children Fred would have the unconditional love from both their parents and given no scorn at his wrongdoings, while Margaret diligently followed in his footsteps. She always looked up to Fred and tried to stay the devoted and pure daughter that the Hale's expected. Even the scandal that Fred had found himself in had not lessened their parents love for their first born. The mutiny came as a shock that started her mother's illness but one year ago. Since then she had not recovered. In her last moments her thoughts were of her young boy. Even thought the Hales knew of Fred's innocence, the slander on the Hale name had struck a blow on all of them.

Scorned as Margaret felt during this time, she still displayed a proud countenance at all times. People who knew Margaret outside her family had at times accused her of lack of sympathy and empathy towards those around her, but upon making her better acquaintance found her to be sweet tempered and kind, if at some times headstrong, but Margaret didn't mind.

Margaret had felt the loss of her dear mother and felt, like her father, that her time had come too soon. She wished she had more time with her mother, to strengthen the bond between a mother and a daughter, but it was too late. Peering back out towards the edge of the field where the blossoms had faded and where her mother's fresh grave lied, she tried to imagine the last time the Hales had felt like a family. Ever since Fred left Helstone nothing had been the same. Leaving for the Navy had been Fred's ambition, much to her parents dismay they had to let him go, leaving them to worry over him for the past five years. The Mutiny and his hiding from the law now guaranteed Fred's absence, and Margaret feared, forever.

In the mean time her father had kept to giving sermons at the church every Sunday, and giving hope where he could to those less fortunate and to those who would take solace from a man who fathered a mutineer. In Fred's absence Margaret was determined to show that she could be just as devoted as he had been. She listened to her father day and night and let him read stories of all sorts aloud to her and her mother. When her mother became ill, her father had cast that all aside to stay by his love's side, day and night.

Margaret at times became angry with Fred for leaving at all, but how was anyone to know this would happen? She knew she missed him and tried not to feel abandoned. She knew it was selfish and not the Christian way but she had been hurt. She knew then that Fred ambitious and just as headstrong as her, and had hoped that she could fill the void in her parent's hearts in his absence. But it was not to be so. As much as she tried her parents mourned for Fred as if he was dead and buried! It hurt more than words could say that they might never see him again.

Margaret clenched her hands again. She knew it was wrong to feel the way she did. She knew her character better than anyone and was disappointed in herself for her dreary thoughts. She anticipated leaving Helstone as it was not to be their home any longer. In reality it had never felt like home to her. Looking around her barren room, her belongings now in boxes, she thought of Edith and her Aunt Shaw. How she missed them so. She had spent most of her youth with her dear cousin, and always felt more herself in Edith's presence. It wasn't until Fred left that her parents asked her to come back home.

Edith, like herself had been dealt a terrible blow this past year. Her fiancé Captain Lennox had died of typhoid. Taken away too soon like Mrs. Hale. Edith was inconsolable. Margaret had wanted so badly to go to her cousin's side to comfort her, and hopefully in turn Margaret would receive the same compassion. But Margaret would not leave her father. Her Aunt Shaw had offered Margaret many times to come live with them permanently, now that Fred was gone and her father penniless. As much as Margaret wished for this she was not heartless. No, she would stay with her father.

Margaret dusted away the cloudy thoughts invading her mind. There was still so much to be done and she had to see to it. All her possessions in her room were packed away and ready, but she was sure both her father and Dixon were heartbroken to leave and did not hasten themselves to leave at once. Her mother's room had been left untouched to the last. Margaret knew the task would be left up to her.

They couldn't afford to live here now anyway. Once her father quit the church he could not be seen as a respectable man of the parish any longer, not while in Helstone. So, they had to leave.

Margaret walked through her room leaving a strange echoing behind her. Making her way down the steps Margaret could hear Dixon in the kitchen. Muttering under her breath again and packing away the china.

"I'm going to go through Mama's room now, Dixon. Would you care to help me?" Margaret asked to a hunched over Dixon, who huffed and puffed while making a show of the whole display.

At the mention of Mrs. Hale's room, Dixon looked up like the notion had never been mentioned before. Slack jawed, she directed to Margaret, but said more to herself, "If it wasn't for your father we would never have to leave Helstone. No, no mistress you see to it. I cannot step foot in that room without losing all the sense I have left!" She waved Margaret away with a flash of her hand. Dixon muttered under her breath some comment on Mr. Hale not doing a thing to help. How Dixon wished the mistress was still alive. Margaret only wished that Dixon knew they all felt as she did. After all she was her mother, not Dixon's! And this was her home she was leaving!

Margaret turned from the kitchen, unwilling to stand to hear her father spoken of in such a manner. The sooner we will be rid of Helstone the better we will be. Even as Margaret told herself this, she wasn't sure they could escape the confines of grief in another setting that would be all too unfamiliar. She felt though, that none of them could go on as they have while in Helstone. At least in another place it would feel like a fresh start.

As Margaret turned about the house looking for her father, she took in the sights around her as it would be her last. With the curtains gone and the furniture removed, the light came through harshly in the echoing rooms. She wouldn't miss Helstone. No, she would miss how she once viewed the Eden she thought it was.

Finding her father cooped up in his study, book in his hand she hummed to get his attention. Turning to find his daughter patiently waiting for entry Mr. Hale lightened at the sight of his daughter.

"My dear Margaret," he said while removing his spectacles, "You look positively wild my dear, where have you been all day?"

Margaret took his meaning as her face was flush from silently fuming at Dixon and her hair had been unkempt these last few weeks. She didn't give a bother to her appearance with so much to do and take care of.

"I have been in my room, making sure all is ready. How are you father?" She asked with a genuine smile upon her face. She purposely did not tell her father that she would have to go through Mama's room. She took his hands in hers as she sat on the floor in front of him. Looking into his eyes she could see how tired he looked. He looks so old, she thought worryingly to herself.

"It is hard to acknowledge, but I do not think leaving Helstone is the right thing to do." He admitted.

"I know Papa, I do not wish to leave either," she lied, "but you know we must."

"Yes." was all Mr. Hale could say as he sat back in his chair, one hand holding onto Margaret's. "It's just that your mother loved Helstone, and to be leaving her, I just can't think of it Margaret!"

"Shh, Papa. You know mother will always be with us. No matter where we go, that should comfort you. Is it so hard to believe that we should be able to make a home with just the two of us?" Margaret asked hopefully.

Mr. Hale could only turn his head from Margaret's sight and nod. She hung her head in disappointment. No, she would not miss Helstone. The brisk November air wafted through the room making Margaret shiver on the floor. It had turned chilly quickly. The days moved in a breeze. There was no more time to waste.

Margaret felt more than ever that she would rather be anywhere else then Helstone. They were quiet for awhile, just the two of them in the study until Dixon knocked harshly on the door.

"Everything is ready Master. We are free to go once Mrs. Hale's room is through." Dixon said haughtily.

Margaret's gaze on Dixon hardened as she looked to the maid. Had she no compassion?!

"Thank you Dixon." Margaret said, dismissing her. "Come father, we must not waste any more time or we'll miss our train and our appointments in London." Margaret stood to leave but was held in place by her father's sudden embrace.

"But I cannot leave her Margaret!" Mr. Hale sobbed.

Margaret held him firmly, trying to think of how to placate him. She held him back, relishing at the gesture, even if his emotions had overtaken him in his grief.

"You know we must father. It is settled. We will go to Milton, you and I and Dixon shall seek employment. All is not lost. We will fair in Milton just as well as Helstone." Margaret's voice was filled with hope. Hope for her father, and enough hope for herself. Though she couldn't say how much good it would do her. How she wished to be free from this misery! Oh mama why did you ever leave us?!

"What is Milton to Helstone? Have you been there Margaret? Nay, you cannot say Milton is as Helstone!" Mr. Hale passed by Margaret in an attempt to keep her from dissuading him otherwise.

"You know I have not father, but surely any place we are together cannot be as bad as you think?" Margaret stood waiting for her father to come back. He really was not himself anymore, she mused.

Margaret could see her father's shoulder relax as he turned to her, shame and embarrassment etched across his stony face. "Of course Margaret, how could I say such a thing?" They both sighed in silent relief. "I have not been a father to you these passed months have I?"

Margaret looked down, unwilling to let him think he was not himself. "No, papa."

"I know I haven't." He took her in her arms again, "I wish now, more than ever that you had married Henry, and then I wouldn't have to worry about you."

Margaret physically blanched at the thought of Henry Lennox, her once betrothed. They had fallen in love after being introduced through Edith, as Henry was brother to Captain Lennox. Margaret could recall that lovely summer's day when he had promised her a wedding in Helstone. Margaret knew the love they felt was one sided when he found out about Fred and that she would be desolate by the year's end. He had broken off any such promise of a betrothal saying he would not marry into a broken family with an outlaw for a brother. But Margaret could not tell her father this. She knew how it would hurt him.

"You know Henry and I have always been good friends, but that is all papa." Margaret said to her father while trying to assure herself of her own words. She wondered where he was at this moment and quickly chastised herself for thinking any more on him. How much she too wished things had turned out differently.

"Maybe you're right. This will be new for the both of us, a fresh start as they say." Her father's voice ripped her from her memory of Henry and the scar he had left on her heart.

"Oh how true it is father. Just wait and you will see. Milton could be our new Eden."

With a pat on her head from her father, Margaret left to tend to her mother's room. Taking the stairs one at a time Margaret wished to do anything else but go through her mother's things. They were to be sorted and sold except for the few treasures Margaret would want to keep.

The hinges on the door groaned as Margaret opened it wide. She almost expected to find her mother in her sitting chair, embroidering. Mrs. Hale had fervently tried to get Margaret to better herself in embroidery but it was never for her. Mrs. Hale had given up long ago trying to better Margaret's skill. Margaret regretted not spending the stolen time with her mother.

Margaret got straight to it, tackling her mother's chest drawer full of her linens and laces. All of her mother's fine embroidery work was kept within the chest. Margaret quickly rummaged through all of them not willing to spend a moment longer looking at every single one. It wasn't until Margaret found one of her own unfinished embroideries still in its hoop that she really felt the loss of her mother. Margaret succumbed to grief as she hung herself over the chest with her mother's laces strewn around her. Oh Mama! Mama! Why did you leave me?! Margaret still did not shed one single tear.

Margaret did not look back once as they departed from Helstone. The only sight she let her eyes look forlornly after was the sight of the church tower over the trees. The church she would have married Henry in. And if she had stayed in Helstone for the better part of her days, would have been buried in, next to her mother. As the train gained speed and jostled along the tracks Margaret couldn't help the excitement she felt at being free from the burden of the house that held so many memories, good and bad. She looked forward to her unknown future in Milton. The prospect of a new life and possible employment for the first time in her life gave her a feeling she didn't recognize. Was it hope?

"We should arrive in Milton by nightfall father." Margaret spoke up, knowing that if she didn't start conversation, no one else would.

"Very good, then I can meet with my contact, Mr. Thornton." Mr. Hale said, settling in next to his daughter, across from Dixon, who had been silent since they left their home.

"Is this Mr. Thornton the one who has set up lodgings and possible employment for you?" Margaret had heard her father mention a Mr. Thornton before. She found it quite odd that a complete stranger would help them so willingly and with no ulterior motive from what she could gather. Unless this tradesman had understood how fortuitist it would be to have an educated clergyman new to town.

"The very one my dear, I shall meet his acquaintance in London. You might be right of the promise of a new start in Milton, Margaret, if all men of the town are as gentlemanly and obliging as he." Mr. Hale said, nodding off as he spoke.

Margaret only nodded, hoping that her intuition was right, that this Mr. Thornton was not trying to swindle them. If he was, he was in for quite a surprise as there was nothing they could give him if he asked for it!

Mr. Hale and Dixon had long since fallen asleep, so Margaret could smile and fidget in her seat to her heart's content. She hoped that her mother would have been proud of her only daughter fending for herself and her family. Now that they were penniless she didn't have the luxuries that she used to. She still considered herself a lady in every way but hoped to prove to the people of Milton that she was as hard working and respectable as them. What would the people of Milton be like? Would she make friends like she had in London? Could she and her father truly be happy?

It was all too much for Margaret. Her life had changed in such a short amount of time that for once, she didn't know what the future held for her.

Before she knew it they had arrived in London. Looking out across the station to the busy familiar streets, Margaret felt almost like herself coming back to the bustling city. The sudden stop of the train woke her father and Dixon from their slumber. Margaret looked out wide eyed towards the station.

Once they retrieved their things and headed for their hotel for the next few days Margaret felt lighter than ever. She adapted so well to city life and hoped her father and Dixon could adjust as well.

Their first evening in the hotel would be spent without employment. While Dixon and Margaret settled into their room, Mr. Hale saw to call on a few friends and make his appointment with Mr. Thornton as soon as possible.

Much to the Hale's and Dixon's surprise, Mr. Thornton had replied that he would be glad to meet Mr. Hale that very morning. They were all very glad in his hastiness as they weren't sure they could afford their lodgings at the hotel for very long. So as the morning came, Margaret bid farewell to her father for the day, so she took off along the seashore of Heston. Noticing already the difference between Helstone and even the less industrial towns in London, Margaret noted how much more grey and duller Heston was. She knew as close as they were to Milton, that it would be even less alluring and enduring then their current stay. Still, she could not quell her desire to finally be in Milton to settle in.

Margaret had been anxious all day for her father's return. When he finally came back to the hotel a little after noon, Margaret could see how exhausted her father was.

"How was your meeting father?" She asked as soon as her father sat down and settled himself in their room.

"Interesting indeed." Her father said as if he was in a daze.

"Interesting? How so? Was Mr. Thornton not helpful?" Margaret asked disappointment laced through her voice.

"No, he was very helpful. Quite a fine gentleman for a tradesman. I think he will set us up just fine. He told me of a few houses we could be comfortable in and some promising employment and reassured me that we had nothing to worry over. We would stay in Milton permanently. " Mr. Hale paused and Margaret thought that the end of their talk of Mr. Thornton. But Margaret could sense from her father's unease that it was not.

He continued quietly almost as if to himself alone, "Strange, very strange." He muttered to himself.

"What is strange papa?" Margaret rose from her seat to be closer to her father while trying to see if Dixon was out of earshot. She had a feeling that if something was wrong, Dixon wouldn't take lightly to it.

"Although I'm confident that Mr. Thornton will do everything in his power to help keep us in Milton, I…well I'm not sure what it is Margaret. I know it is silly of me, but it was almost as if Mr. Thornton knew everything I was going to say. As soon as I'd start to ask a question, he'd assure me that everything would be taken care of. He had complete control over the meeting. I suppose it's just being in a strange place after so long that I feel in such a fog." Mr. Hale laughed off nervously.

"Of course father. The fear of an unknown place and people will do strange thing to you. You will feel right at home as soon as we are settled. And as far as Mr. Thornton, I'm sure he is just being a very good businessman. He'd have to be if he was in trade. You know how men of power can be." Margaret said reassuringly.

"Yes of course. I'm just a tired old man. I'll be off to bed Margaret." Mr. Hale, convincing as he sounded to Margaret couldn't fool her with the pallor expression upon his face.

As he went off to his own room, Margaret was left sitting in the room by herself thinking over what her father had just told her. Margaret couldn't deny the doubt she felt deep in her core. Margaret was sure that once she met Mr. Thornton for herself that she would laugh off her father's musings as fanciful.

As Margaret lay in bed that night one thought from her conversation with her father swam about in her head constantly, pushing away any possibility of sleep, We would stay in Milton permanently.

Was it all absolute that Milton would shackle us forever?! What did this Mr. Thornton know of our future in Milton?! Was it all a mistake leaving Helstone?!

Eventually Margaret fell asleep just as the sun rose over the horizon. Her last thoughts were of the strange Mr. Thornton.