Authors' notes: This is a collaboration fic of JWM and deliriumbubbles. (please visit tumblr for our respective blogs)

Warnings: assault, homophobic slurs, violence, dub-con, depression.

CHAPTER TEN

In the end, it had only taken Blaine a little less than a week to move out. Kurt had been worried, a little, that Blaine would draw it out, find some other way to try to force Kurt to spend time with him, and drag him back into their relationship like some kind of wicked black hole where the dreams of romantics go to die.

But he didn't. Rachel gave Kurt a heads up via text after Blaine had moved out. Then Kurt returned with his bandmates and a couple of boxes of the things Dani had snuck over to Elliott's apartment. The loft was bare of Blaine's clothes, his hairgel, his dvds and gaming system. He'd also taken the piano, which was for the good, Kurt supposed. It meant that he had settled somewhere.

All he knew was that Sam had not moved in with Blaine, like Kurt would have guessed. While Kurt had been staying with Elliott, Sam had called every other day, eventually earning himself a spot on Elliott's couch one evening while Elliott was at work. The result had been, predictably, Sam grabbing Jacques and doing impressions of celebrities, and an eerily accurate, and hysterical, Blaine, until Kurt was practically in tears. Which was how he'd learned of the Blam! Breakup.

Kurt didn't quite have it in his heart to wish Blaine well, yet, but he knew in time, like so many of the adversaries in Kurt's life, the need to even wonder about Blaine would fade.

Rachel was still busy with her Broadway life, so Kurt mostly had the loft to himself. They'd talked on the phone the day after he'd broken up with Blaine, and she'd promised to devote her Monday night off to him, but Kurt hadn't made it back until Thursday. Then, on Friday night, after Elliott and Dani had to go for the day, and Adam was working early in the morning, she found him on the couch, enjoying the art of being able to hold his own cup, kind of.

"Oh, hey! Free man!" Rachel set down her shopping bags and came to sit with by him.

"Yep. Outta the cage, onto the town," Kurt quipped dryly.

Rachel clapped her hands together. "Oh, we could go out clubbing! Do a little dancing, try out a few new guys?"

Kurt furrowed his brow at her.

"What? I'm just trying to be supportive!" She shrugged and turned her body closer to him. "I didn't catch all of it, but… Sam told me some. That's crazy! I mean I led you by the hand to the proposal, and I didn't even know about the Sadie Hawkins thing. And I feel… like…" She bent each word slowly. "Maybe… I could've done more. Been there for you more."

"Yeah. You could've been." Kurt pulled one leg up and sipped his tea.

"I, uh…" Rachel leaned forward. "Kurt-"

"You could've been there for me," Kurt said quietly. "You chose not to."

Rachel pressed one hand to her chest. "Kurt, you know, I've had-"

"I know you've had your Fanny." Kurt took another sip and put his tea down. "I know how important this role is to you, Rachel. I signed you up for the audition because I knew it would just kill you not to have the chance. And I do understand-" He held his freshly bandaged hands to the heavens. "-Broadway above all things. But you're not doing the show 24/7, and you could've been there for me more. And I needed you."

Rachel looked caught between protesting and guilt.

"I've always been there for you. Every step of the way. I'm not asking you to give up your dreams, but it hurt to see you avoiding me." He looked at her seriously and held up one finger. "And you know, if the roles were reversed, and I was gearing up for the debut of a gender-swapped Wicked, I would have made the time for you."

Kurt rose and took his cup. It was nice to have his basic dexterity back. "I'm going to bed. Elliott took me to my first therapy session today, and I'm kind of exhausted."

"No, Kurt. It's early. I have time now! We could hang out. Talk trash about our lying exes!" She hopped up and followed him into the kitchen. "We can order pizza! Well, okay, my cheat day isn't until Monday, but I can stick to soy yogurt and warm water with lemon after the weekend."

Kurt put his cup in the sink.

"Please? Kurt…" Rachel pleaded. "I know I haven't been a great friend lately. But… you're my best friend. I'm not close with a lot of other people in New York."

He sighed. "Okay, but you're paying."

"So it went okay around the office at Vogue yesterday. It's not like I'm not allowed on photoshoots, though maybe I shouldn't be, but Isabelle and I talked about starting back kind of slow." Kurt dipped his spoon into his strawberry cheesecake ice cream and shaved off a small amount from the sides. "So I'm doing a lot of organizational work. Which benefits my need to control… everything."

Adam chuckled. He sucked on his own plastic spoon, then took a little more of his own apple pie ice cream. "You do look nicely relaxed right now."

Kurt looked up at the full, leafy trees, the bright buildings, the people passing by. He hadn't thought he'd be outside and on the street again this soon, feeling so calm, but with Adam, it felt like he could.

"I think… I'm having a good day." He stopped at the corner, and pressed his hand against his left hipbone. His jeans kept rubbing over his new tattoo, just inked yesterday, and it was sore enough without the rubbing. "Don't quote me on it."

"I'm just happy you wanted come out with me today." Adam gave his spoon a lick. "Of course, I did bribe you with ice cream."

"You can always bribe me with ice cream. Or cake."

They enjoyed their cold treats for a moment in comfortable silence as they walked down the street. Then Kurt noticed Adam glancing at him from the side and gave him a curious look.

"You know," Adam started, "when I picked you up at the loft, I noticed something that I hadn't before the last time I was over."

"The fresh, clean air free of the suffocating stench of raspberry hairgel?"

Adam's brows raised in tandem as he angled his head back. "The Apples posters!"

"Oh, that." Kurt smiled coyly as they crossed the street together. "They just so happen to be very… visually appealing. And they match the rest of the colours I have up on that wall. I'd have to re-do the whole collage if I took them down."

"Mm-hm."

A moment later, Adam bumped his shoulder, and Kurt laughed.

"You kept me around." Adam beamed, sounded a bit chuffed. (A word Kurt had learned from Adam and quietly loved.)

"Well. I did miss you. Watching Downton Abby and Doctor Who just wasn't the same without you," Kurt teased. "I didn't have anyone to explain the references and jokes."

Adam smiled and dipped his head.

" I…" Kurt's tone softened. "I never meant to cut you out of my life completely."

"That wasn't entirely your fault."

The two of them stopped short as a large, stocky man cut into their space before disappearing into the crowd. Adam touched Kurt's shoulder and watched him silently.

Kurt let out a slow breath and shook his head. "It's a good day."

Adam continued watching him, a little more discreetly, as they headed down the street. Kurt sighed and pulled at the edge of his jeans, as though that might make the soreness disperse a little.

"Are you alright, darling?" Adam said suddenly in concern. "You look like you're hurting."

"Oh, no. I'm a little sore. Elliott took me to get another tattoo yesterday, and it's always tender for a few days afterward."

Adam craned his head back and raked his eyes over Kurt, as though he might see the tattoos through his clothes. "Another tattoo?"

""Uhhh…" Kurt chuckled softly. "Ye-eah. I have a couple of tattoos now."

"Kurt Hummel, tattooed?" Adam shook his head and laughed. "I didn't know you were the type. I always imagined you to be very picky about your skin."

"Oh, I am. Didn't you see my evening routine when you slept over at Elliott's?"

"What do they look like?"

"Um, there's one on my shoulder." Kurt dashed over to a trash can and dropped in his ice cream cup, then edged them over away from the flow of the street traffic. He slipped his loose brown sweater down to his elbows, then pushed his yellow and white striped shirt down to reveal the "It's Got Bette Midler" script over his right shoulder blade.

"I also got a tongue piercing shortly afterward," Kurt babbled as Adam leaned over to check out his tattoo, "but I had to take it out so I could sing in class, and it healed up."

"Wow," Adam muttered.

Kurt pulled his sweater back on and lifted the hem of his jeans. Adam dropped down to look. "And this one's for my brother. I really, really wish you could've met him. I loved him so much."

On the his ankle, there was a small treble clef with the words "Porcelain and Frankenteen" written along the inside curve of the clef.

"Was he Frankenteen?" Adam asked gently, his eyes crinkling.

"Yeah." Kurt laughed. "He was so tall. He just towered over me. And everyone else."

Adam rose and looked on Kurt gently.

"I think about him all the time. I just wanted him to be a part of me, I guess. Something that shows how he's written on my heart, just as much as my body."

Adam nodded.

"You would've liked him," Kurt said wistfully.

"And the one from yesterday?"

"To commemorate a big change in my life." Kurt touched the hem of his shirt. "But, um… I can't show it to you."

"Tease! Why?"

Kurt lowered his voice, even though no one was listening to them. "Because I'd have to take off my pants for you to see it."

Adam's eyes grew comically large. "It's, uh, it's on on your…?"

"Hip."

"Oh." Adam shook his head. "I thought you meant something else." He blushed a little. "What is it, then?"

Kurt pressed his lips together in a mischievous smile and shook his head. "I can't explain, you'd have to see it."

"Oh, come on! How can you leave me hanging like that?" Adam laughed.

Kurt laughed along, and as he came down, still chuckling, realised he hadn't had such care-free fun in a long time.

"Maybe later," he teased. He looked out to the sidewalk, and when there was a lull, started walking again. They were reaching the Hudson river. A lot of couples were strolling by the waterfront. To distract himself from focusing on all of their hand-holding, Kurt decided to share something he had been thinking about for the past few days and get Adam's opinion on it.

"I am thinking of maybe volunteering for the Ambrose-King Community Center," he said, looking out over the water and the buildings on the other side of the river. "That's…"

"Where the memorial was, I remember," Adam supplied.

"K'evondra told me that they could use some people with musical expertise. School arts programs are getting cut left and right." Kurt shrugged one shoulder forward. "And when you think of 'musical expertise,' of course that would include moi." He looked out over the river and his smile faded. "I've been thinking, a lot, about, you know, the attack, and what I would do if someone needed help again…"

He faltered for a moment, while Adam watched him. Thankfully, Adam didn't push him to keep going, so after a long moment of silence, Kurt felt ready to continue.

"I think what scares me is the inevitability of it. That wasn't the first time I stuck my neck out to help someone. I did it back in school, and I've done it here, on the subway. That's how-" Kurt stopped walking for a moment and took a breath, and Adam angled his body more towards Kurt without crowding him. "I mean, I don't want to think too intensely about it right now because I'm having such a good day- but I get triggered on the subwaybecause I'm thinking about how I've stepped in when people were having trouble. It happens, and I don't think I can stop being a person who cares about that."

Adam's eyes creased at the corners, and he sucked in his cheeks slightly before responding. "That makes me worry about you a little, Kurt."

"It worries my dad, too." Kurt let out a slow breath through circled lips. "For me, though, I know myself. I can't live in the world and not get involved. It's part of who I am. Maybe as much a part as Vogue or Broadway. I feel maybe if I volunteered at the center, I could make this all worth something, you know? The people at the memorial were so good at taking care of each other. I think I need to help."

"I understand. I mean, I think that's a natural feeling to have…" Adam slipped his hands into his back pockets. An anxious gesture that Kurt was starting to recognize. Adam gave a gentle shrug. "At the same time, though… Kurt, you have work— two jobs— that you're returning to, school to catch up on, a band you are still very much involved in, and your own recovery, which, I personally think, is very, very important."

"I'm not going to stop going to therapy," Kurt argued. "I can do the healing thing and still volunteer."

"I'm not putting in a vote against helping those in need," Adam said in a measured voice. He slipped his hands out of his pockets and moved them around in a curious gesture. "I simply… I care about you. And you have a tendency. It is illustrated, perhaps exemplified by what happened in that alley. You always defended me, and the Apples, more than you defended yourself. You will help other people until you die of it, Kurt, and that makes you a hero. But you've only got so much energy, so many resources. I plead of you to be selfish a bit longer, and to be careful not to take on too much."

Kurt found himself unsure of what to say to Adam's impassioned, impromptu speech. He hadn't really put much thought into how much energy he would need to help underprivileged teenagers; he was just filled with the idea of doing it. Not so far from how he'd approached other projects, actually. Writing Pip Pip Hooray had happened so fast that Pippa hadn't the chance to break up with her male lead in real life. Promoting the school play during senior year had gone from concept to execution practically overnight. The band had been something he'd wanted to do with Finn, but was denied the chance to ever have that collaboration. As he'd taken in Finn's scent, wearing his jacket, all the ideas he'd had came rushing back, all the things he would never get to do with his brother. Time was precious, so he'd sprung into action to make it happen without reservation, and he had made two new friends in the process.

At no moment did he ever consider these things as too much, on top of his other responsibilities.

"I guess I just thought I'd have more time on my hands. Rachel's hardly around, and now that I'm no longer raising Blaine… Who do I take care of?" Kurt haplessly raised his hands.

Adam's somber expression broke into a laugh. "I'm not very good at 'throwing shade,' but I'm glad we get to do that for your ex, finally."

Kurt knit his brows together and stopped by the rail over the river. Adam came up beside him, and they both leaned on the rail.

"I think I have to do this, though. Maybe I can wait… a little while? Maybe I can get some help with it." Kurt looked down at the scars on his hands. He liked running his fingertips over them. Some were closer to being healed, and they provided smooth texture against the grooves of his fingers and palm. "It's not even just replacing the work Kitt was doing at the center, though he did help with their community. I thought I could get back to being my old self, who I was before all of this. You know, the Kurt Hummel who is always the better person, who always rises above everything, who can be an inspiration to his friends, who can be everything to them, and… I don't think I want to anymore. Because I don't have room for it anymore, not if I want to focus my energies outward. And Kitt's apart of me now in a way I just can't explain."

Kurt gestured toward nothing specific. "Not in a spiritual way, because I don't believe in that stuff, but…" He swallowed and stared down at the soft undulations of the water below. "He's with me. Like Finn's with me. I'm not entirely sure how much I've changed, but I think I don't mind so much anymore that I did."

Turning his head toward Adam, Kurt whispered, "Does that make sense?"

"Yes, it does," Adam replied. He sounded a little hoarse, and he was looking at Kurt the same way he had looked when Kurt had defended the Apples in front of him for the first time; awed and with unabashed admiration. It made Kurt feel proud and shy at the same time. He held eye contact with Adam as long as he could, then looked away over down the walkway. Everywhere he looked there were still couples. It seems he had inadvertently chosen some sort of Lovers' Walk of Manhattan.

"You know, Rachel will be out all night, she said not to expect her till morning," he said, trying to sound casual. "We could pick up some Chinese food on the way to the loft and get a crack on Downton Abbey season four…I haven't seen any of those yet." He glanced to the side and saw Adam was still looking at him. "And I could show you my new tattoo," he added airily, and turned back to face Adam with a smile.

His expression wasn't the one Kurt had expected. Adam looked troubled, like there were a million things on his mind and he wasn't sure what to pick to say first.

"Kurt, I'm not sure…" he started, but trailed off. "You only just broke up with Blaine-"

Kurt hurried to explain. "Oh, but I didn't mean that," he said, "not that I haven't missed that too…" He could feel a blush creep onto his cheeks. "It's just…I don't want this day with you to end. For weeks everything, just being, felt hard. When I'm around you, it's easy. I feel safe with you. You don't make me feel less than I am, but I don't need to be more either. I am… enough." He shook his head a little. What was it with this spot of lovers that made him go all philosophical? "I just want us to hang out on the couch and watch our show until we get tired, and then move to my bedroom to watch another episode on my laptop until we fall asleep. Can we do that?"

Adam's troubled expression softened into a smile. "Yes. I think we can."

Kurt reached for Adam's hand, grasped a few fingers, and tugged gently. Together, they turned, and walked toward the subway. Neither spoke. They had said everything that needed to be said, for now. The light was beginning to fade on this good, good day, but with the promise of light to come. Kurt knew there were more days like this ahead for him, even if they were followed by some bad. Both, along the way, would be okay. Of that, Kurt was finally sure.

-the end-

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