I don't own man or any of the characters.

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'Italics' for writing

'normal' for normal speech and dialog

'Blond' thoughts

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Allen's P.O.V

I know they won't believe me...

I mean my innocence just attacked Lavi. Without my control, it just attacked him.

When my innocence did that, I felt my whole world break.

It had hit me hard.

But the worse part was when my 'own' friends wouldn't let me help take him to the Nurse Wing or even anywhere near him AND them.

I was official hated. Krory wouldn't talk to me anymore. Miranda would run away screaming. Lenalee would just glare at me and not speak to me at all. Kanda wouldn't speak or listen to me - just ignore me as though I wasn't there.

The finders would be too terrified to speak, and Komui wouldn't speak to me other than to give me missions.

The other exorcists resigned to beating me up along with a few finders, and guess what?

I hated it.

I was weak…. And I was…scared.

The only person I could speak without being scared, was Jerry. He was the one person who was able to see the hurt within me.

Even though I didn't tell him the worst part about it, he was 'still' worried for me.

I think I can only say this here in this journal, but, I was raped and found.

Sure they won't remember, after all, they were drunk, but that doesn't change the fact that I'll still remember.

I feel that their is no one I can cry to about this... not even Jerry.

This was all I had to start with when I was about to tell my friend the truth.

That I was a girl.

Right when I was feeling like I could actually trust them and believe in them, now they hate me and my guts.

I feel that if I tell them, they would just hate me even more so...

I feel like a broken doll - or perhaps, a puppet with broken strings.

I surprise, even myself,

by finding the will to live, even if just a little.

If my friends ever found this journal and read the content of it, then I wouldn't know if they would loath me more than they do now, or maybe just feel a little sympathy.

If they do, please note, that I'm very sorry and I don't want to be hated anymore.

Please forgive me for my sin.

As I finish writing the last sentence, I set down my pen on my desk. Before I close my journal, I got up to get ready for and make sure everything was ready for a mission that I would leave for in an hour and a half.

I packed my clothes, Which consist of an extra black vest, white button up shirt, some black slacks and some pairs of underwear. I also included some of my totalities, like my hair brush, shampoo, conditioner, soap, and some sanity pads. I also packed extra chest binding and some medicine to help me sleep. I also made sure to have some extra bandages and pain medicine in case I got cramps or any injuries. Finally I made sure I had my file with all the information on the mission that I was going on.

Once I was done, I checked the time and saw I had about 40 minutes left. So I checked my appearance in the mirror, to make sure everything was in the right order. Unlike Lenalee's, I had a small chest; almost flat, but my chest binding helped with hiding them if they grow, but that is highly unlikely. A sigh escaped my mouth rust from that thought, I just made myself even more depressed than I already was. My short boyish hair didn't seem to help with making me any more feminine in fact to just made me more boyish than anything else. I didn't have a curved figure like Lenalee, either. I was thin and lean, but that was it. I was nothing special and for the lack of my feminine nature, must be why I'm thought of as a boy.

When I was done surveying, I check to make sure I had everything in thing in my bag. I grabbed my exorcist coat and putting it on and buttoning it up. My coat was just a bit too big for me. The sleeves covered my hands completely, then the shoulders were so big that the if I didn't button it up it would fall off my shoulders. I released another sight as I grabbed my journal from my desk, which was only to be stuffed into my coat pocket. While I grabbed my pen and tossing it into my bag, once it was in I closed my bag. I picked up my bag and walked over my door, I opened my door and walked out the my room. Closing the door behind me I turned around and set my bag down on the floor. I dug into my pocket to find my keys, I brought my hand out of my pocket with my keys in hand. I locked my door to my room and placed my keys back into my pocket.

I grabbed my bag and started to walk down the hallway. I couldn't help but to think about the who will be my partner for this mission. As I started to think more I couldn't help but to worry about how much time I have left. Even since that instanced I have been getting this feeling that something is going to happen and it is not going to be good. I know some sort of power is building up inside of me and it is getting stronger everyday, I know it is not the 14th but I can't help but to feel scared about what ever anything is happening to me. Once I was at the top of the stairs down that lead to the docks. I stop at the stop and my thought start to run wild, I started to panic at the thought of who ever is my partner for this mission. I release the hundreds sigh of the day. 'I might as well get it over with' I thought as I started to walk down the stairs.

As I got to the bottom of the stairs I froze in my stop. My blood ran cold, I wished I could just run back to my room and hide from everything. I saw the two people that I want to be the least on this mission with. It was the Kanda and him… Lavi.

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Thanks for reading! Please Review and tell me what you think

tell me if you think I should continue or not. I would love to know.

Will keep working on other stories if you want something else, but I will most of my stories are Female allen.

I will explain why allen's innocence attack lavi if I continue, but for now this is the first chapter.

Ja ne!