Author's Notes: Shoutout to RodeoTown, CaraLee934, Sessh, Melissa, Agness, Guest, JAKKIE, alpha flyer, CyanB, penguincrazy, weemcg33, awkward hawk, Arlothia, deardiaries, angelofjoy and nonyvole for the reviews. Also, for people looking for chapter 11 of "Afghanistan," it is coming – slowly. Real life interrupted with three different job descriptions in the space of a month, so I've been working on it piece by piece.
This is a little something to tide you over in the meantime. The chapter coincides with my planned Afghanistan timeline. Also, thanks to alpha flyer for beta-reading this on short notice tonight!
Subject: New assignment
From: Phil Coulson
Date: April 28, 2002, 9:01 a.m.
To: Maria Hill
Agent Hill:
Should I be concerned that, when I asked Barton if he turned in the intake paperwork, he smirked and said, "Oh, I'm sure Agent Hill has received it"?
-Phil
Subject: Re: New assignment
From: Maria Hill
Date: April 28, 2002, 9:10 a.m.
To: Phil Coulson
I'm flattered you felt the need to follow up on the paperwork request to Probationary Agent Barton. However, I'm calling bullshit with you sending this email instead of coming to see me in person.
While I realize that both you and Director Fury believe this kid is the next coming of Christ, please believe me when I say "kid," I mean "KID." He turned his intake paper work in, all right – in CRAYON. And when I say crayon, I mean Barton must have gone out and bought a 64-pack, because there's more colors here than I can count. There must be at least ten different shades of purple in here – and yes, he used the white.
I realize that I'm dealing with a reformed circus act, but he was supposed to have been an Army Ranger after that. Could you possibly communicate that proper paperwork means doing it in pen, and annoying me shouldn't be his first goal upon rolling out of bed in the morning?
-Hill
Subject: Re: Re: New assignment
From: Phil Coulson
Date: April 28, 2002, 9:11 a.m.
To: Maria Hill
I'll have a word with him, and get you the paperwork done – in pen this time. But may I ask just what you did to provoke that response, Agent Hill? It normally takes more than a first meeting to set him off.
-Phil
Subject: Re: Re: Re: New assignment
From: Maria Hill
Date: April 28, 2002, 9:12 a.m.
To: Phil Coulson
Sure. Phil, I read your mission report from Afghanistan. This kid specializes in sarcasm ... and you think *I'm* to blame? You've got to be kidding.
-Hill
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: New assignment
From: Phil Coulson
Date: April 28, 2002, 9:13 a.m.
To: Maria Hill
We in SHIELD have no sense of humor we are aware of. Answer the question.
-Phil
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: New assignment
From: Maria Hill
Date: April 28, 2002, 9:14 a.m.
To: Phil Coulson
Nice job. Wasn't aware you were a Tommy Lee Jones fan, Agent Coulson. Almost laughed … almost.
Fine, I'll admit it. He came in wearing a "Hukd on fonix werkd 4 me" t-shirt, and I suggested he was no longer in kindergarten. I then referred him to the quartermaster for uniforms and told him that I expected the paperwork back with his name spelled correctly.
To his credit, his spelling was impeccable. But he used blood red for his name. Inside joke?
-Hill
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: New assignment
From: Phil Coulson
Date: April 28, 2002, 9:15 a.m.
To: Maria Hill
In a word: yes.
You'll have the paperwork done properly later today.
-Phil
Subject: Paperwork again
From: Maria Hill
Date: April 28, 2002, 1:30 p.m.
To: Phil Coulson
Agent Coulson –
Let me guess. You personally handed him the scented markers for this round.
-Hill
Subject: Re: Paperwork again
From: Phil Coulson
Date: April 28, 2002, 1:31 p.m.
To: Maria Hill
Agent Hill –
Scented markers? As in strawberry and banana?
-Phil
Subject: Re: Re: Paperwork again
From: Maria Hill
Date: April 28, 2002, 1:35 p.m.
To: Phil Coulson
And grape and apple and a bloody sharpie on top of it! And he spelled every third word like that meme that got circulated on reading comprehension. In short: my office now reeks AND I still don't have his paperwork.
You know what? How about you sit down and supervise him this time? I'd suggest watching over his shoulder the entire time. You, at least, I trust.
-Hill
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Paperwork again
From: Phil Coulson
Date: April 28, 2002, 1:40 p.m.
To: Maria Hill
Consider it done. I apologize for the inconvenience.
-Phil
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Paperwork again
From: Maria Hill
Date: April 28, 2002, 1:41 p.m.
To: Phil Coulson
…you're sitting over there laughing your ass off, aren't you?
Admit it.
-Hill
Subject: Re: Re: Re: Paperwork again
From: Maria Hill
Date: April 28, 2002, 1:41 p.m.
To: Phil Coulson
I neither confirm nor deny.
-Phil